I am feeling more and more alone in my status as a child-free adult these days. In recent years, I've come to the realization that I am never going to have children. Rather than depressing me, this decision has been surprisingly liberating. I've never been very maternal and my thoughts of one day possibly bearing and raising a child were always ambivalent at best and at worst, cause for panic and depression. Once I realized that I didn't have to have a child ever, that my life could be rich in many other ways and in ways that are more interesting and fulfilling to me, a huge weight seemed to slide off of my shoulders. So this is me: Child-Free for Life and happy about it. The problems I am experiencing currently though, is how child and family-biased the World is. Many of my friends are settling in and having children now. Great, go for it, congratulations, I'm happy for you. But I don't necessarily want to be around your kid all the time, or want to only talk about the kid constantly (as an aside: I have to say, most of my friends are pretty good about not doing this, they have plenty of other things to say beyond the latest infinitesimal step forward their kid has taken). As a result, I feel very adrift in my decision. Part of it is social, my friends don't socialize the way they used to. But I think more importantly, it is an attitude thing. This morning I was on the train with Michelle (who does not have children, but wants them someday) and I was lamenting how the "guys" once in a while will go out for a drink on a Friday and yet I'm never invited along because "the girls" are home with the babies (it never used to be guys vs. girls before) and how I feel somehow penalized for others' life choices. I then said something to the effect of, "I need to meet some people who are committed to being child-free." And she looked at me as if I had three heads and said, "Well, that's harsh."

... Is it? I wasn't trying to be harsh, but in all honesty, I am not a "kid person". I never was. I like my friends' kids, I am truly happy for them, especially since this is what they want. But why am I wrong for wanting to find people who have the lifestyle that I want for myself? Just because my friends have made the commitment to have children, does that mean I have to forever-more be on baby watch by default? My friends with children will still be my friends. I just don't want that to become my life as well. I'm not saying that I hate children. I just don't want to be around them all the time. Nor do I want to have to talk about them constantly either. I would like to find some additional friends who share my lifestyle and interests. Why is this wrong?

Have you ever blathered away in a company common area to someone whom you thought was one person, only to turn around and look more fully at that person and realize they are not the person you thought you were talking to? Well, it just happened to me. Here I was yacking away at the water cooler (how cliche) thinking I was talking to a guy in my department and wondering why he wasn't talking to me (am I on a shit list somewhere?) only to turn and look and realize that I don't even know the guy I was talking to. Guy gave a nervous little laugh and then scurried out of there. I think maybe I scared him, although, I don't know why, I was being friendly. Sheesh.

Torrential downpour and thunderstorms... forget running class, I'm going Spinning tonight! AND I'm going to take a subway there.

I never thought I would see it in my lifetime, the return of gaucho pants as a fashion "must have". Although, in my opinion, these are better left in the 70s.

Interesting.

Seems we can perhaps look forward to a Queer Eye for the Straight *Girl* after all. Hmmm...

Yesterday I had a delightful time being in Central Park to walk and to run. It was one of those terrific days that happen all of a sudden when Winter gives up it's grip, and the Cherry Blossoms and Magnolias are just about ready to bloom (you could see the buds gaining color and a little volume, they're just not quite there yet). Lots of people were out enjoying the day, and I saw the gamut of outfits for the weather too. Everything from shorts and tank-tops to down coats, hats and scarves. Me: I was in long running pants, short-sleeve micro-fiber shirt and a running shell (think: windbreaker) which came off during the time I was running. My experience in Central Park was bittersweet however as I miss living next to it so much. This used to be my backyard! I felt a sour hole in the pit of my stomach for much of the time, my angst over this was so large.

I met Ellen & Ken, Harriet and Daniel outside of the Park in the early afternoon, from where we moved on to Brother Jimmy's on Amsterdam Avenue to sit outside in the sun, enjoy the day and some Southern BBQ (as well as some beer). It was a wonderful time.

God, I'm tired. So much for today being a nice, easy, laid-back, relaxing day. I've been really busy at work all day long. So much for my fantasies that people might be allowed to leave early. Not hardly likely. At least not in this department. Sheesh.

I think I'm going to cancel Movie Night with Carolina. Feeling too tired to be social.

Rant of the Day: Men. Why is it, no matter what the size of the man, he always has to take up so much damn space? The brilliant minds at the LIRR have commissioned new trains that were based upon a Japanese model, and as a result, the space on our crowded trains is now even skimpier than before. Great. Add to that, every time a man sits down next to me on one of these trains, he has to sit with his legs spread out, with his elbows jutting out and into my sides, to the point at which I am forced to cross my legs together, push my arms forward to make more room, basically curl myself into as small a package as I possibly can to compensate for the extra space the man commands. Doesn't matter the size of the man (although, of course it becomes more of an issue with a bigger one). I rarely have this problem when a woman sits next to me on the train, even with women who are not exactly svelte. Why as a woman am I forced to make myself smaller, because a man demands a lion's share of space? If I were clever, I could talk about how this is some kind of metaphor for women's position in society (and particularly the work-force, since we ARE talking about a commuter train here) but I'm just not that clever.

Happiness Is: A nice day that is cool and crisp enough to wear a jacket in the morning, yet warm enough that the jacket can be a light-running-shell-windbreaker-style jacket. Bliss.

Have you ever felt so tired that just the routine you have to go through before even getting into bed makes you want to cry? That's the way I felt last night. Just couldn't get to bed soon enough. Slept like a rock and still feel some residual fatigue this morning, but am certainly better than yesterday. I need to get outside and get some fresh air. Luckily, it seems like it's another beautiful day.

Things that Annoy Me: inconsiderate people at the gym. Today I was at the gym at lunchtime and I was using the Xpressline weights system that is designed for people (like me) who don't have a lot of time, but want to fit in a weights workout. So there are designated times when you are not supposed to linger on these specific machines and you are supposed to keep an eye out for others who are using them in succession (which is how they are meant to be implemented). So what do two unrelated guys do to me while I am making my way down the Xpressline? Jump on to the machine directly ahead of the machine I was currently on at the time. Two separate guys at two different times. I was so annoyed! There is a big sign that states the rules and there are also other machines all over the floor that they could have used. And both of these guys were meandering around the weights area so randomly too. It certainly did not look like the machines they chose to cut me off from were part of any kind of specific routine for either of them. I hate having to backtrack. Bastards.

Other than that, my lunchtime workout was enjoyable.

I am so damn tired...

I was up all night last night coughing. Frustrating under any circumstance, but especially last night as I had been so exhausted already. I finally gave up, got up and ready and came to work early. I think I'll try to leave here a little early today and go up to Central Park and try to run again a little bit. I felt terrible that I hadn't done any running between last week's running class and yesterday. It's only going to get harder to keep up, so I really have to make sure I do my "homework". Surprisingly, last night I wasn't terrible however. There were plenty of people in the class who "cheated" and had to walk during the running intervals, even on the very first one. And (if I'm going to be honest with myself), if I hadn't been in class, I know I would never have made myself run intervals of that length. I would have given up and walked far sooner than we did with class last night. So I think class is a really good thing for me in this respect. I am too stubborn to give in, even when I feel like I'm going to fall over with the effort. heh. Next week will be intervals of six minutes, so I really need to buckle down and start putting in the effort.

Seen tonight in Central Park: Man running on the Park Drive in running tights, running shoes and a full-puff down parka. Er, it was like 53 degree out. I mean, I was only out running for my short intervals with the Beginner's Running Class and I was wearing running tights, short-sleeve coolmax top and a very thin running shell (and there are plenty who would think that is over-dressed). Too funny.

And one other thing, why am I so exhausted today? I can barely keep my eyes open. I need some interesting work to do.

Good Lord, is it ever frickin' cold out there! 30 degrees and windy as hell on April 6th. Guess we're not going to have a Spring this year. Again.

Ho Hum. Back at work. I can't even remember what I was working on... what time is lunch?

Took Lola for a 4+ mile walk this afternoon to Forest Hills. Walked there via Queens Blvd. and back through Forest Hills Gardens. During the course of our walk we saw exactly two dogs. Two (2). Dogs. In over four miles. Weird.

I had some weird and vivid dreams last night that, among other things, had me involved in some nefarious scheme or another that required hasty escapes through an unfamiliar subway system and a hideout in some huge and creepy illegal apartment in an industrial building. At one point I remember a scene where I was looking out of the window of this apartment along with one of my partners in crime (nameless, faceless person whom I did not recognize from my real life) and we witnessed some bizarre happening where there was an escaped water wheel attached to a long coat rack on wheels from a restaurant that went careening down the street and unhindered by any human (hey, it was a dream, what can I say). But I remember at that point in my dream turning to the person who was witnessing this event with me and saying, "I'm going to have to remember to blog about this."

Things that Annoy Me: My stupid, inconsiderate, asshole upstairs neighbors (who do not have RUGS) that insist on letting "wittle pwecious" 1.5 yro BRAT run around all the time, but especially at SIX O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING. The worst is the freaking kid running around at 6:00 AM on a SATURDAY MORNING (which is what happened this past Saturday). It sounds like someone running across a drum -- without exaggeration. And all the other times they stomp around (many times with shoes on) or drag furniture around or "Wittle Pweshus" drops or throws (repeatedly) toys or whatever on the bare, hard-wood floors. And I am not even going to go into the screaming tantrums I can hear from my apartment. I mean, what kind of people live in a studio apartment with a kid anyway??? I've been told that they all sleep in one bed. Freaks.