Sundry

* I'm not quite sure why, but every conversation I have with my father leads to my defensiveness and even sometimes irritation, over the most mundane of topics. Case in point: Today he was asking how Tig's obedience class was going. And then he went on to say something to the effect that I must have a goal to make him "sane". What? He's just an excited dog, but he's a good boy. My response was, "no, the goal is for him to be happy. To give him something fun to do. To engage his mind. And to reinforce our bond." Whatever.

* Speaking of Tig, I took him on a very nice, long walk/hike/run/whatever in Mine Falls Park today. We saw a good number of other people, as well as dogs, during our outing and Tig was each time completely focused on me and willing to stick by my leg on a loose leash. He's really come a long way.

* On my way to the park this morning, I took a drive through the condo complex that I'm interested in, just to get a feel for the area. The place seems pretty nice and there also appears to some conservation land that abuts the property to East, which is a plus. Also, I noticed that the decks on the townhouse units are actually a bit bigger than I had originally thought. Still smaller than what I currently have, but larger than I had been thinking, so that's a plus. It was nice to see how close we would be to Mine Falls Park and other trail areas.

* I'm still a little bit traumatized by our nor'easter/hurricane/tornado or whatever it was that hit Southern NH on Thursday night, into Friday. I do not want to have to repeat that experience any time soon -- it was crazy! And now I'm rather overwhelmed with the task of figuring out how I'm going to address my damaged roof and porch. GAWD! It's always something. Add THIS to the pro list for moving to a condo townhouse.

* Post-hypnosis seems to be going well so far. I have not been tempted to binge (or really, to eat anything not in my best interests) and was motivated to do the walk today.

* I had some text messages from the kid who was riding Ruby this week down in Aiken for my trainer's "Kids' Camp Week". She sent me updates through the week and gushed about how much she loved Ruby. I always enjoy hearing when someone loves my horse and I really appreciated the updates. I told her that she could ride Ruby back in NH if she wants to. I am thinking especially for the weeks I'm on-call when it is hard for me to count on being able to ride at all.

* I'm enjoying this weekend quite a bit, I wish it was a long one!

Ski Racing

A very brief video of my nephew at a recent ski race -- just a glimpse as he flies past:



He made the qualifier for the Western Junior Olympics!

An Old Family Story

I was talking to my father on the phone last night and he brought up this family story that my brother had told him over the holidays (apparently my father has no memory of it). I don't know why, but before my father could even say one word of the story, I knew exactly the story he was going to tell. And I was right.

So, my grandmother (mother's mother) came to live with us when I was about 11 or 12. She was childish and petty, I actually feel that she was even a bit evil. She was the type of person to play one person off of another. To get in the middle of disagreements between my parents. To snoop in people's dresser drawers. To take clothes and other items and throw them away or donate them without asking. She was constantly telling us what bad children we were and that we would never amount to anything and that we were nothing compared to the shining example of my cousins (I already admired my cousins, so I couldn't argue with her there. Still, it hurt to hear what I already suspected confirmed by an adult). She sat like an evil spider in her room waiting for what trouble she could cause, how she could get attention, how she could make someone feel like crap, or whatever. WIth the wisdom of age and experience I can now look back on this time and realize that she was probably an incredibly insecure person, but I still can't feel any affection for her.

Evil Grandmother was not a cook, my mother did most of the cooking in the house and enjoyed experimenting with different cuisines. My father was going through a period of unemployment and so my mother had gotten a job at a local bank. The bank had evening hours on Friday nights and so one Friday my mother asked Evil Grandmother if she could cook dinner. She left out a simple recipe for her to follow and Evil Grandmother made it -- some kind of pasta sauce.

Well, it's dinner time, Evil Grandmother is all smug and proud of herself and puts the bowl of sauce on the table. We all (my brother, father and I) sit down and look at the sauce and look at her, then look at each other. And then there is a long, silent, drawn-out pause.

Finally my brother says, "uh, so where is the spagetti?" (We called pasta "spagetti" in thos days.)
Evil Grandmother: "spagetti? your mother never said anything about spagetti. she just left the recipe for sauce, nothing else."

--pause--

Brother: "So, whadja' expect us to do, slop it into bowls and eat it with a spoon???"
Evil Grandmother runs from the table in tears while hilarity ensues (you can bet she made sure we all paid for that one later.)

Father: "Oh great. Now I'm going to have to go up there and talk to her. "

I don't know why, but memories of this scene can make me laugh until I cry. I guess it's one of those "i guess you had to be there" sort of things. And knowing the players involved helps too.

Ski Bum

My niece, ski racing:

Brother Stuff

Surprisingly, I had an email back from my brother last night. Totally unexpected. Anyway, it was very nice note where he thanked my for my offer, but stated that he was going to pass, at least for now. So, basically thanks, but no thanks. I think he's expecting one flooring job to come through (I guess it's not a done deal yet) that will carry him for a few weeks and has a hope that perhaps he'll be able to squeak by if he and his business partner can get the odd flooring job here & there every month. He doesn't sound too confident that it'll happen, but he hopes for it anyway. Ideally, I believe that he wants to remain in Charlotte, but is considering that he may end up having to relocate eventually, if things don't improve where he is. But he says that if he does leave, that he will probably be headed farther south. I knew that his coming up the New Hampshire was a big long-shot, so I can't say that I'm too surprised. Still, it might have been a good experience for both of us. Oh well, at least I offered and at least he responded -- just that alone is HUGE for him! We had a nice email exchange and it feels good to at least have communicated some. I hope he reaches out to me if he needs anything.

Home & Family

I'm trying to decide whether to put my house on the market. I mentioned in a previous post about a cottage I went to see in a neighboring town. I really, really loved the house and I especially love the location and so have been thinking very hard about whether it may be possible to buy it. Of course the biggest variable is whether I can sell MY house. It's such a crummy market (which of course is a big reason why buying the house is even a possibility) that I really have had no confidence in whether it's even worth trying. I had the realtor out anyway. She looked around and then did a market analysis, checked out the comps and came back last night to go over everything with me. So, apparently some places nearby have sold over the past four months or so for some pretty decent amounts. It surprised me a bit. Of course it's all a crap-shoot, but I honestly wasn't expecting the news to be that good. I just assumed that the expected sale price would be so low that I wouldn't even want to consider it. So now I have some hard decisions to make. Do I really want to go through all this and so soon again (I only just moved about two years ago). It's a lovely little cottage. I just love the town and the specific location, the house is charming and it would be so wonderful to have some extra property! Being down the road from wooded trails for running would be unbelievably fantastic and being so close to the riding barn would be a dream come true. But ... GAH! I am exhausted and overwhelmed just thinking about it all. Anyway, so the realtor left her research with me. Now it's time to think about it and decide what I want to do.

I was speaking to my father on the phone last night and he was telling me that my brother is experiencing some pretty hard times. My brother basically went off to college in South Carolina years ago, flunked out after a semester or two and never came back. At this stage he might as well have been born somewhere in the South, forget that we all grew up in New Jersey! Anyway, I don't talk to my brother at all really, mostly because he is pretty much the World's worst communicator. I can email him, send him birthday cards & checks, Christmas presents, whatever 'til I'm blue in the face and I'll never get any kind of a response from him. I don't dislike him. I don't hate him. In person we get along fine, he just doesn't do email or phone calls or whatever. I think he's also a bit like me, just sort of adrift from having a family. Really has made his friends more his family than his biological one.

Anyway, so he lives in Charlotte, NC where the economy is apparently particularly bad. Charlotte is one of those places that grew up very quickly, real estate sky-rocketed over the course of a few years, companies & banks have big corporate centers there that did a lot of growing and hiring over a short period of time. Anyway, I guess it's all crashing now. My brother had a floor refinishing business with a friend and the business has completely dried up. He's scrambling to get a job, but apparently McDonald's isn't even hiring (well, I guess he interviewed at McD's, but hasn't heard yet). Things are pretty bad. So I thought overnight about it and it occurred to me that maybe he would come up here, at least for a couple of weeks. I have some stuff (painting some rooms, fixing some stuff, hanging some stuff, whatever) that I need to have done around the house and I would rather pay him than some stranger, if he's willing. It also might give him the opportunity to check out New Hampshire, who knows? Maybe he wouldn't mind relocating here, if he could find a job. It's got to be better than what he's experiencing where he is anyway. Well, it's just a thought. I'm going to email him about it tomorrow. Of course, being the World's Worst Communicator, I'm sure he'll never respond, but it's worth a shot anyway.

Catching-Up (yet again)

General

I know, I know, I know, it’s been forever since I’ve written. I really have a terrible time with myself during the holidays. I seem to go into a real slump and almost actually kind of fall apart from my birthday through the end of the year. I think it’s getting a little worse every year too. So, in addition to depression and an uninspired attitude, I seem to lack motivation for things like writing blog posts and working out and other stuff that I should do, or need to be doing.

This year with the state of the economy, the company layoffs and changes in the air, a general “unsettledness” feeling of my world has all contributed to my funk. Add to that, little to non-existent immediate family in my life, loneliness (and really, I am generally NOT a lonely type person at all, it just only seems to rear its head from my birthday through the holidays), a little bit of work burn out and I’ve been a bit of a mess. I know it’s a transient feeling though, and since I had a bunch of vacation time left to use, I now have a nice break from work to enjoy, thus I know that this is a temporary feeling for the most part. I’ll get through it okay and will be more positive once January hits. In the meantime, this time off is helping to give me a bit of a breather.

Holidays

Nothing much is new. Christmas came & went and it was pleasant enough. I spent Christmas Eve at one of my cousins who lives close to me. We had a smaller group than at Thanksgiving and I felt it was more fun that way, in my opinion anyway. It was very relaxed and casual and fun. I brought all three dogs with me for the first time and all behaved wonderfully and got along very well with the other dogs there. So I think I’ll be doing that again. Christmas day I just spent alone at home and that was okay. It was more like a lazy Sunday at home watching movies and reading than any kind of holiday, but it was nice not to have be running off anywhere, or worrying about work.

Since I didn’t get much in the way of presents from family, I decided to buy some gifts for myself. I’ve done this for the past few years and it really has helped me get through the holidays a bit. Anyway, this is what I got myself:

• A necklace.
• A sweater.
• A lamp (for the living room to replace a lamp that was bent).
• A new goose down comforter.

I don’t feel like I went overboard too badly. Of course, there are a ton of sales going on, so I have to be careful to keep my itchy fingers off the keyboard and away from the online stores that are the most tempting to me, lest I lose control and go into a spending frenzy. It wouldn’t be the first time after all.

Real Estate

I have this ongoing interest in real estate. I just can’t seem to stop myself from looking online at a couple of the towns near where I live that I love. Anyway, I recently saw a pretty affordable cottage in one of my favorite towns. It’s the town where one of my cousins live (where I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas this year) and also where the riding stables are – it’s actually pretty much around the corner from the Winter barn. It is on this nice quiet road and there is conservation land with wooded trails up the lane from the house (perfect for running and/or walking the dogs). Anyway, this is one of the tougher towns in the area to get into. Traditionally unaffordable, I don’t usually see much, if anything, in my potential price range, and especially never something that I actually like in that range. Well, I had been going back to this listing again and again and then drove past the house a couple of times. Finally, I contacted the realtor and set up an appointment to see it. I was very upfront about my situation, didn’t want to waste her time, but she was willing and I felt that the amount of time I was spending looking at this listing online, I had better finally just see the place. So I went on a sunny day and just loved it (as I knew I would). It’s a little cape, but very open and airy and it was flooded with sun throughout. Big, 3/4 acre back yard, screened porch, lovely big family room with French doors. It’s not perfect, of course. It could use some kitchen and bathroom updating and there is no garage or deck (there is a patio though), and a lack of a garage is a huge bummer in New Hampshire! But I loved it still, it was very charming and most of all, I could see myself living there.

So, I spoke to the realtor very seriously about my options. She is familiar with the homes in my neighborhood and knows well what I would be dealing with in trying to sell. She said, surprisingly, that my type of place tends to sell quickly. I have my doubts, but whatever. I also find it hard to believe that I would be able to sell it for enough to be able to buy the other house. Still, it may be worth a chance to see if something happens. The realtor suggested that I put my house on the market with a contingency that I would need to find suitable housing. Then, if all the planets align and the timing is right and I can sell it fast enough and for the right price, then perhaps it would work out. If not, there is nothing really lost, although there is the inconvenience factor to deal with.

Anyway, I don’t know. It’s completely unrealistic and probably even a little bit crazy to even be thinking of this. However, this may be the only time I’ll ever be able to afford to buy into this town too, so maybe it’s worth a shot. I can’t stop thinking about the house and it’s making me a little nuts. Well, if it’s meant to be, maybe something will happen, if not then, oh well.

Well, for what it's worth, here is a picture of the house and the backyard:





Rant

So, while Christmas shopping (online), I placed an order for a present for my father (and his wife) with Sturbridge Yankee Workshop. The site took my order, took my payment and sent me an online receipt. After ordering, I realized that the tea lights shown on the item page were separate and had to also be ordered. So, no big deal, I called up the customer service number, gave them the order number that had been generated a couple of minutes before and added the additional item. No problem. Until a few days later when I received a paper receipt in the mail with an (oh, by the way) notation that the main item is back-ordered! Most online stores will let you know before you actually place your order that something is on back-order so you have the option of maybe choosing to not order it. This is especially helpful in the week before Christmas when one might be ordering something as a GIFT. But to let you know days later by MAIL when it’s too late to now order something else, after even speaking to someone on the phone right after placing the order who perhaps could have mentioned the back-order issue, WTF kind of way is that to run a store? I’m still freaking pissed off and I feel like there is really nothing that I can do about it. What a shitty way to run a business.

Another Rant: why do I always, always, always end up behind the problem customer on line at the grocery store? I pick the one line where the person in front of me doesn’t have an overflowing shopping cart, only to have that person paying separately for each item and then with all kinds of complicated coupons and credits that no one in the store can figure out how to apply? Why, why, why???? SHEESH.

Horses & Riding

I’ve been riding in two lessons/training sessions a week and can ride two additional “free” rides a week. I feel like I’m slowly making some improvements, but I still get really frustrated with myself. Sometimes when Lulu and I do a jump course I feel like it’s a wild, wild west round – slightly out of control. It seems a little worse in the indoor ring too because, being smaller, the jumps seem to come up much quicker, so there is less time to organize and balance and slow-down between fences. So I’m working on gaining balance and control and maintaining a steady pace, even attempting for a slow pace. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t, but I’m working on it. I participated in a jumping clinic a few weeks ago with an upper level eventing rider and I felt that to be somewhat helpful too. Not that she said anything much different from what Alison has been saying, but I find that sometimes getting the additional perspective can help drill concepts into my head. Anyway, I had the opportunity to talk to her a little bit after the clinic and I asked her specifically about my position over fences. It had been somewhat bad (or at least, not ideal) when I first started back to jumping, but she said that actually this was pretty good. So I think I’ve made some progress there. Still, I have plenty of work to do, I’m never going to be able to move onto bigger jumps or more complicated courses until I have better control. I love Lulu’s enthusiasm, but I have to learn how to harness it better.

On the flat I feel like I’ve made a little more progress. Lulu does not have the ideal conformation for riding round, on the bit and in a frame and she can be a little stiff to bending and to engaging her back, so it is not an automatic thing with her. Still, with work she DOES do it, it just doesn’t happen easily or automatically. This has been a real learning experience for me and is really helping me re-develop some of the more subtle riding skills that I had forgotten. It’s not perfect yet, typically, with work, I’ll get a few great strides of a great, round, on the bit frame and then we’ll be off again, or she’s tossing her head or resisting in some way. Still, I feel like it is getting better, the good strides are becoming more frequent and of longer duration, so I feel that I am beginning to get it somewhat. I’m actually kind of glad that Lulu is not easy in this regard. An easy horse and I’d more likely be sitting pretty and not contributing as much to making it happen and thus not actively learning and really getting it as much as I feel I am with this work.

Yesterday I had a make-up lesson with another of the instructors in Alison’s barn. I had ridden with Danielle only once before, right after I started leasing Lulu (it might even have been that first week). Anyway, after our training session yesterday morning, Danielle complimented me and said that she can see that I’ve made A LOT of progress since that first time with her. So I felt very good about that, and felt like she was sincere. She also put me through such a tough flat lesson too. I worked incredibly hard the entire hour, we didn’t walk even once, it was complete work from start to finish. Even though it was about 30-32 degrees, both Lulu and I were completely drenched in sweat when it was over. But I felt like by the end of the hour she was giving me a much more consistent “on-the-bit” rounded frame than when we started the hour. It was deeply satisfying (even if not as exciting as jumping).

If I can continue with the riding work as I have been doing, I feel like I could possibly be somewhere by late Spring. Maybe not ready for any real competition, but at least more competent and a little happier with my skills on a horse.

So, that's it in a nutshell. Nothing too exciting in my life to write about, but there you have it.

Relaxing Christmas / Chaotic Week

Christmas day turned out to be quite lovely and relaxing. I went down to my cousin's house in Hollis, NH and had a really great day. It was my cousin and his wife (and their two, teen aged kids floating in and out from time to time) and my other NH cousin and his wife and me and that was it. We had a great time just hanging out all day and socializing and drinking wine and even watching some very old home movies from when we were all incredibly young. It was a hoot to see their parents and mine hanging out in the movies when they couldn't have been much older than 30! I don't remember them ever being that young. For a change, my cousins' step-sister did not show (with her four children). She's okay, but I've always had a rather uneasy relationship with her and four brooding teenagers tend to add a real chaotic element to the day, so I found the day much more fun without her and her brood. I didn't want to bring all the dogs with me because I thought it would be too much, so I selected Fitz because he's been such a good boy lately and I thought he would get along well with the other dogs (cousin Peter has an enormous English Bulldog and cousin Greg has an Italian Spinoni, which is a type of large, shaggy sporting dog). Also, Peter's daughter, Viv loved Fitz as a puppy, so I thought she might like to see how nicely he has grown up. I'm proud to say that Fitz behaved beautifully and had a very good time himself, sinking into the passenger side car seat and snoozing deeply the entire ride home, he was that tired from the visit. So, all in all it was a very great day.

The mystery of the Hunk of Orange Salt continues. I received a perfume bottle (!) in the mail from my father on Christmas Eve. This is a somewhat odd gift too as I don't wear perfume and am not too sure where to put this either, but it's not nearly on a par of strangeness with the salt thing. I spoke to my sister at length yesterday and while I did not bring up the salt rock, neither did she mention having sent something. I guess I'll just come out and ask her once she gets home from her vacation in Salt Lake City.

So, the rest of the week is taken up with appointments, ugh. Yesterday was a consultation with the oral surgeon for my dental implants. My original surgeon ended up leaving the area, so I have to start new with someone else. And of course, since he has his own requirements, I have some other prep stuff I have to do (and pay for) -- impressions and labs and such. But I've made the appointment and am having two dental implants done on January 11th. Then that has to heal for three months and I have to go back to my original dentist for crowns, etc. Which will be a few thousand more, of course. I wasn't aware that the crown part wasn't part of the whole implant cost and process, so the costs just continue to grow.

I have an appointment this morning to put some cargo netting in the back of my car (to hold packages so that they don't roll all over the car) and then it's back to the regular dentist for yet more work for other issues that are plaguing me. Basically, I've been in more or less constant pain as the teeth on side opposite of where the implants are going bear the entire pressure of all chewing activity. One tooth with a huge filling literally cracked under pressure last month and has since been further broken open by the dental work and root canal (last week) to eliminate decay. I'll eventually have a crown done for this tooth too, but in the meantime the sharp edges of the broken tooth cut into my check without relief. And now the newest development is the tooth underneath that one is flaring up -- there seems to be a pocket that's opened up between two teeth and underneath the gum line that packs with food immediately (which also causes immediate pain) as soon as I eat anything at all. So, I'm getting all of that looked at this afternoon. Ugh. Just UGH.

The expense of all this is literally making me shake, but I really don't know what else to do. Except, that is, to curse my former NYC dentist whose incompetence caused most of these issues. The tooth that cracked, for instance, was mostly made up of filling and thus was very fragile. I've been told recently that most dentists would have put a cap/crown on it to protect it. The dental implants are necessary because of this ill-conceived canter-levered bridge that same dentist had talked me into years ago which never worked well. He then added insult to injury by jamming a huge screw post into a tooth under the bridge after a root canal -- a result of the bad bridge -- which completely fractured the root, finally making that tooth not viable. I am just depressed and livid and trying to find the positive in all of this. But in the meantime, it's endless ongoing dentist appointments, constant pain and discomfort and a diminishing bank account for me. And I don't even get a new kitchen or bathrooms once it's all done. But there is nothing else to be done really, the alternative is losing teeth and it's also not something you can sit on and wait about either. So I just have to suck it up and deal. It doesn't make for a very relaxing vacation week, but it's easier to try and do it all now than to run around on work lunch hours or something. Sheesh.

That Time of Year and Weird Mystery Gifts

I used to really hate this time of year. The commercialization, the financial pressure, feeling like an outsider to the season by not having a significant other or close family. But I've found that since my financial picture has improved, I feel so much more optimistic about the holidays. I now love to give gifts while not having to stress about paying the electric bill. I've also gone past caring about what I get in return. Well, that is until today. Kind of.

So, the mailman came to the door this afternoon carrying a box that he said was kind of heavy. The box was from a place called the, "Alive and Natural Health c/o Horizon Distribution Logistics" (what the ... ) I opened it and inside was this bubble-wrapped thing with this electrical cord dangling out. Cutting away the bubble wrap revealed this orange rock on a stand, with a cord to plug it in (WTF???) The tag tied to the cord reveals it to be a, "Salt Crystal Lamp (mined from the foothills of the Himalayas)" and is apparently a natural air purifier. Whatever. So I plugged it in and am currently sitting here looking at this glowing orange thing completely mystified as to who sent it (there was no card or even a gift receipt or catalog included in the box). It could maybe be from my sister (she is the person most likely to send me something like this, I suppose), but she had already send me three embroidered stockings with my dog's names on them a few weeks ago to hang on the mantle, so I wasn't really expecting anything else from her (and she hadn't given an indication that anything else was coming). Or it could possibly be from my father, but it really doesn't seem like the kind of thing he would send and also, when he asked about a week ago what I maybe wanted, I had sent him an email with an idea or two, neither of which was even close to this orange rock lamp. On the other hand, I haven't received anything from him yet, so maybe it is his gift. So, I'm not sure what to do. I guess I can call and ask him if he sent me something, but it's just so weird. Really, a Pottery Barn gift certificate would have been perfect. I don't mean to be ungrateful (and I'm not, really), but I don't know why he thinks he needs to suddenly get creative now. It can't be from him, I just can't imagine! But who then, WHO??? The mystery is killing me. And where to put this orange rock is the other part. Where do I put it? Where??? Sheesh.

Bitter and not getting over it

Last Monday was my birthday. I hate my birthday. I try not to have any expectations so that I won't be disappointed, but it's hard to expect absolutely nothing. This year my father topped his emotional distance by completely forgetting my birthday altogether, he's never done that before. I received nothing from him, not even a phone call. At some point afterward he finally did remember (frankly, I think my sister called to tell him) and he has left a couple of voice mail messages during the week, but has done nothing else to make up for it. He has had a week now to send me a card or a gift and I have to finally come to the realization that nothing is forthcoming. This is what my family relationship is reduced to now, I guess. I'm a little miffed at my sister too, to be honest. She did call me on the day, but would it have killed her to send a card? I spend $100s on her kids each year for their birthdays, and I make sure to at the very least send her a card for hers (sometimes a gift too), I feel that the least they could do is all get together and send me a card. The kids are old enough now (11 and 14) to do this too. It's not that I am going to stop sending birthday & Christmas greetings and gifts for my family, but I do feel pretty hurt and bitter about it all. I have a couple of very nice friends who sent me cards but, other than that, I got absolutely nothing at all and it just completely depresses me. I know, I know, I'm a grown adult and I shouldn't care. And it's not even about the gift or the materialism of it, certainly there is nothing that anyone could give me that I couldn't easily buy for myself these days, so that's not it at all. It's the fact that someone thought enough of you, to take the time to think about something small that you might like (even if it's an amazon gift certificate for $10).

So, I'm mad and bitter right now. I'll eventually get over being mad, but I think the hurt feelings are going to take longer to overcome.

Families and hurt feelings

So, I am trying very hard not to feel bitter, but I've been struggling with this for a couple of weeks now and I still feel pretty wretched about it, so maybe it will help me to blog about the issue.

A few weeks ago I was talking to Cousin Greg (one of my cousins who live near me in New Hampshire) and he let me know that he is hosting Thanksgiving this year at his house, and he invited me for the event. He then asked if I thought that my father might come up from New Jersey for it, especially as he could stay with me. I told him that I didn't know what his plans are for the holiday, but that I would ask him.

I hadn't heard from my father in a few weeks anyway, so I gave him a call and during the course of the conversation I mentioned Greg's invitation. My father's response, "Well, we're going down to Lancaster to --Wifey's daughter #1's-- house. --Wifey's daughter #2-- is coming and everything". All said in a tone that seemed to say, 'Well, OF COURSE we're going to Lorie's daughter's house. How stupid!' Soorrrreeeee -- sheesh.

Then I asked him if he (they) wanted to come up here for a weekend sometime (anytime they wanted, didn't have to be a holiday). And he, in a very exasperated tone, said, "I don't know when I can find the time!" I responded and said that was fine, I wasn't requesting he come up, but more that he was welcome to at any time if he wanted to. SHEESH. He then went on to say that Lorie (wifey) is not going to want to come up when it's going to be cold and/or there is a chance of snow. WTF??? First of all, I really don't think we need to worry much about snow until January. Maybe we'll get a little in December, but we don't usually have much before the end of the year. And secondly, there really is only about a two degree difference in temperature between where I live and where they live. Seriously. Is she THAT sensitive that she can handle 54* in NJ, but not 52* in NH?. Thirdly, pretty much every weekend for the past MONTH (since this conversation) the temps have been in the 70s! I suspect that SHE does not want to come up here (the weather & temperature is an excuse) and he is not willing to come without her.

I've just been feeling so bitter and hurt and mad about his attitude in general. I don't even really know why I am mad specifically, other than because of his wish to constantly cater to "Wifey" and her family while completely ignoring or eschewing his own. The fact that it doesn't even cross his consciousness that any of his children or grandchildren might feel hurt or cast aside is particularly troubling.

So now it's been about another month since we've spoken. Doesn't seem that he's going to call me anytime soon, so I guess I had better call. I just hope that SHE doesn't answer the phone (and of course she always does).

Shelton Kang

Shelton & Linda in November, 2002

I've wanted to write something about the passing of Shelton Kang before now, but I don't really know how much I can add to what Julia wrote, she spoke about him so perfectly and beautifully. I will say that Shelton was a genuinely nice person who always saw the best in people. I never heard an unkind word come out of his mouth. He was a man who, despite his limitations, really knew how to get the most out of life. After losing his wife Linda suddenly and being diagnosed with congestive heart failure himself, he could very easily have just stayed home and used it as an excuse to give up and wallow in misery, but not Shelton. He reinvented himself and started a walking program, ultimately walking four marathons and countless half-marathons and other races of varying distances all over the country. Everywhere he went he made friends and spread actual joy. How many people do you meet in life who spread actual joy? He was just a sweet, sweet man who enjoyed life & people. And he was a total dog lover, which always makes someone pretty great in my book.

The news of his passing struck me particularly hard for some reason and I'm not even that sure why. I knew Shelton, I probably saw him about once or twice a year in a group setting. In fact, I had just seen him a couple of months earlier in Boston. But I didn't see or talk to him often enough to really consider him one of my closest friends. Maybe it was just that buoyant spirit of his, it seemed like he would always be around. Or maybe it was just that he always should be around.

It Never Freaking Ends

So, I went to the dentist on Monday and apparently I have a number of problems going on in my mouth. In addition to the needed root canal and abscess, I apparently have some major decay around the tooth adjacent where I had a root canal about two years ago. They're not even sure if they're going to be able to save this second tooth. All of these problems stem from this ill-advised bridge my former dentist talked me into getting years ago and I am finding myself quite bitter about it right now.

Anyway, the root canal doctor managed to get me in this afternoon which really ended up being a good thing because once she opened up my tooth, she said that the decay and infection was more extensive than it had appeared on the x-ray. She seemed to think if I had waited much longer, I could have lost that tooth too. So, I had the root canal today, but am still finding myself in pain which I hope is not an indication of the problems with the other tooth. I have to go back to the first dentist in a week or two to have him finish the work on the RC tooth and to evaluate what we're going to do about this other one. I am so ... I don't know, depressed, overwhelmed, stressed about all of this. And of course my out-of-pocket costs for all of this work is going to be in the 1,000s. TG for insurance (at least they'll be paying for some of this) and TG that I'm debt free! If this had happened two years ago I would be screaming and crying and completely freaking out & panicking -- at least I can pay for this. I'm not happy about it and some of my home improvement plans will have to be put on hold this year, but at least I don't have to go into debt to do this. At least it's not going to completely wipe me out.

To add insult to injury, tonight my cell phone was ringing. I could hear it and I realized that it was still in my jacket pocket. So, instead of just letting it ring, I jumped up and ran for it, vaulting over something on the floor and catching my toe on the corner of a chair in the process. Now I'm afraid I've broken my toe! Oh and that phone call was my father. I have no doubt he was calling about having me send him more money out of our trust account, I've already had to do that twice in the past week and that seems to be the only reason he ever calls me lately.

But I'm not bitter, no, not at all.

Merry Christmas

I know, I know, I haven't written since Thanksgiving, what's up with that??? Well, there are no excuses, I've been pretty busy with work and settling into the new house and it always seems the longer it gets since I've written a blog post, the harder it is to start a new one. It's just a bit overwhelming to think about having to catch up, so I guess I'm not even going to try.

I do want to mention, however, how much I'm really loving living in my new house. It is completely, blissfully quiet here, I hear no noise from other people at all. And it's equally great to be able to stomp around, allow the dogs to tear through, or watch loud movies late at night without worrying about disturbing anyone. This is almost a weird concept for me after so many years of apartment living. Anyway, I'm loving it. I have yet to do much in the way of home improvements, I'm still trying to decide what color to paint my living room to start. The color samples I brought home from the paint store I think are going to end up being darker than I want, so I'm going to go back there next week and pick up some new ones. I did find an unfinished furniture place nearby however, so I think I'm going to be able to buy some bookcases there and have them installed in my living room, in lieu of having them custom built. So, I think I'm going to do that, hopefully the store will be able to recommend someone to install them for me.

My father and his wife came up for a visit a couple of weeks ago. They luckily stayed at a local hotel as I (conveniently) do not have guest room furniture yet. It was a nice enough visit, but geez Lorie (the wife) exhausts me. She likes to constantly ask these probing questions, half the time I feel like I'm on some kind of interview or something. And the most disturbing questions are the ones about my childhood, my family and my mother. I frankly don't think most of this stuff is any of her business, but it's hard to blow her off without being rude. Anyway, my father was kind enough to do some odds & ends around my house for me. Replaced some light fixtures, a towel rack, put up a coat hook, etc. When we went to Lowe's on the Saturday morning he insisted on paying for the odds & ends as my Christmas present. He said he'd rather do that since it was easier for him and he then wouldn't have to shop. I was upset as a bunch of hardware odds & ends isn't a very exciting Christmas gift (not to mention what it says about his lack of interest in putting any thought into a gift for me), but he wasn't going to give in, so I just caved. Merry-freaking-Christmas to me. Oh well, at least I don't have to be in New Jersey this year to watch Lorie's daughter open the shower of gifts bestowed on to her. I've always found that particularly depressing.

While my father was here, I had my cousins over for cocktails to see my house, see my father and to meet Lorie, who they had not yet met. All seemed to like my house and we had a great time. Fitz was also a big hit, he spent most of the time sitting in my cousin's daughter's lap like a little hobbit. He's so funny.

Well, there is not much more to say. I have so very much to be thankful for this year. Just looking back on this year amazes me, my life is so different. I've been very reflective over the past few weeks and will probably be even more so in this coming week.

Is it bad ...

... that I don't know my own father's phone number? I have to look it up. Every. Single. Time.

Sheesh.

I (literally) Have No Words

Today in the mail I received the long-awaited invitation to my Father's 75th Birthday Bash. I had wondered if I would be invited at all (especially after talking to my father last week where there was no mention of any party) and I also commented at one point to my sister or a friend, I can't remember which, that I didn't even know when the party was happening. Since his birthday is on a Wednesday, it could easily be the weekend before or the weekend after. I then joked that for all I know she was having it on the Wednesday. The response from sister or friend was, "oh, I'm sure she wouldn't do that!" The subtext, of course, is that no one would be that stupid or clueless.

Well, guess what? The party is scheduled on the Wednesday! Along with the invitation, which (by the way) is the kind of invitation you would send out for your kid's 7 year old birthday party or something (I mean, complete with a cartoon elephant and monkey in primary colors declaring, "It's a Party!"), there is a note from Lori (wifey) gushing about how she hopes I'll come. Well, how in the Hell does she expect me to be able to come on a FREAKING Wednesday???!!! Is she crazy? I mean, she does realize that I live, at minimum, a five-hours drive away?!

It's also not as if someone is offering to buy me a first class plane ticket to fly in for the party either. That honor is reserved for her own daughters. I'm sure they are all already scheduled to be staying in the spare bedrooms at my father's house too. So even if I somehow was able to come, I most likely wouldn't have a place to stay anyway (unless I didn't mind the couch or something).

If I didn't know better, I would think this was some mad scheme to alienate my father from his own family. But she just seems too ditzy to be that machiavellian. Or perhaps I'm being naive. But anyway, SHEESH!