A Nice Day

We had a gorgeous day today (that's two in a row!), but I knew that I had my trainer today, so I went down to the locker room early in order to squeak in a run before my session. It was pretty hot, bright & sunny, but the humidity really didn't seem too bad. Anyway, I didn't have a lot of time, so I ran up the fire road to my little "Beaver Path" trail. From there I wanted to find the short cut to the top of my hilly trail. This off-shoot is a long gradual hill, rather than the steep hills & short recoveries of the other leg of this trail. The only problem was, it had been so long since I had taken this branch that I couldn't find it! I wasted some time running up & down the asphalt access road trying to figure it out. Finally I remembered (it's kind of hidden, so you sort of have to know where it is) and I was on my way. I'm not sure why I don't do this one more often because I think I could get a lot out of doing it every week or whatever. Since the hill is long, gradual, but continuous, I think it's a good running exercise. If I trained on it more often, I probably could run up the whole thing one day. Anyway, I got to the top and then got to enjoy the fun part of my hilly trail, the back side that takes me down hill and across flats through the woods through to the end. After that, I took the access road back to the fire road and managed to do three sprints down the dirt road to the company road. All-in-all about 2.5 miles.

After my run my trainer took me through a routine for legs, biceps and abs. Oh, and he oh so casually mentioned during the course of our workout that he planned to switch up our exercises next week and that we were going to try some new stuff -- ACK! I think maybe I should be worried. Anyway, so a pretty good workout, I managed to get a lot of stuff in. My arms feel really sore right now though, but I guess that's probably a good thing.

Oh, I also made an appointment for another massage for next month. I think having a massage appointment scheduled will perhaps help keep me focused and on track in order to "earn" the appointment. I'll also want to have some well-used muscles to benefit the most from a good massage. Lastly, if I continue to run 4 or 5 times a week, I think massage is only going to help keep my muscles loose and with the blood flowing to all the right places and thus, keeping me injury-free.

Frustrated

I told myself back in March when I started this (weight loss) journey that I was going to be patient. I knew then and I know now that my body can be pretty stubborn. All my life I have been prone to easy weight gain and slow-to-non-existent weight loss. Even all those childhood and teenage years that everyone bemoans about how skinny they were or how they could eat anything on the planet to no effect was not my experience. My childhood pictures show, at best, a chubby, blocky-looking kid. And with my ugly bowl haircut, it’s not so easy to even tell whether I’m a boy or a girl in a lot of those pictures. Teenage years I went from chubby & blocky to down right fat. Being an introvert AND fat does not lend itself well to social acceptance in middle and high school, let me tell you.

Anyway, I managed to lose weight as an adult, in my early 20s through basically starvation, but by my late 20s I caught onto exercise and learning how to limit my food intake sensibly. Of course the years that followed have been a roller coaster of ups & downs. If I’m not careful with what I eat, or if my activity level decreases, the weight comes on pretty quickly and easily. All this became even harder when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism about 10 years ago or so.

Once I got the thyroid meds all sorted out, I found that I had a bit more energy and that’s when I started running for the first time. That Summer I think I lost about 10 lbs and I credit running (and getting the thyroid straightened out) for the loss. I don’t think I changed anything much with my diet though, which was somewhat miraculous to me. A couple of years later I was training for a marathon, I was running 5-8 miles on weekday mornings, taking spinning classes on weekday evenings (and the occasional Sunday), or sometimes doing a second run for the day and running long runs starting around 13 miles, capping off at 24 miles on the weekends. Basically all I did was workout or run, work, workout or run, sleep and then repeat. Well, with the occasional happy hour thrown in (hey, I was younger then!) Anyway, I lost a bunch more weight during that Summer and was in great shape. I still wasn’t a tiny little thing, I was muscular and about a women’s size 6-8, but I looked pretty good (I think) and I felt terrific.

After the marathon however, I let it all fall apart and the farther away I got from the buff person that I had been at the end of that Summer, the more overwhelmed I felt with what it was going to take to get me back on the fitness and weight-loss track. The farther away from that marathon person that I got, the more depressed and overwhelmed I became. Then some other stuff happened, my mother died, I moved to Queens, and I became legitimately depressed.

The rest is more recent history. I moved to New Hampshire and started a new life & job. The first year was pretty much just transitional, the second was psyching myself up to do something about my weight and fitness level and finally the third year has been about taking action. And so far it’s been a successful and satisfying journey. From the start I assumed that it was going to be slow going for me. I know how my body likes to hold onto weight. I have my thyroid as well as hormonal challenges and I am at an age where even the most metabolically gifted women find it difficult to lose weight. I told myself that I had to be patient and wait and just stick with it, no matter how slow and agonizing the process was. Except that it wasn’t. From the start I seemed to lose weight consistently, averaging about 10 lbs a month, which is pretty much the cap for healthy monthly weight loss (you wouldn’t want to lose any faster or you’re losing muscle). That is until the past month. My weight loss seems to have ground to a halt. I’ve been watching the scale fiddle around with the same couple of pounds now for weeks. Finally last week I was down about 2 lbs, I stayed there for about four days or so and now for the past two days I’ve been back UP those 2 lbs. I am ready to bang my head against a wall. I haven’t cheated, I haven’t had any alcohol. If anything, I worked out last week more than I had in over a month. I’ve started back with strength training. I’ve made an effort to get a good amount of sleep. I just don’t know what else to do. I know anyone reading this is probably going to tell me to just be patient. And I’m trying, I really am. But I so can see how people fall off this wagon. When you reach a point where you’re working hard, but making zero progress, it’s so easy to want to give up. If I was within 10 lbs of my goal or something I wouldn’t be so upset, but I still have a long freaking way to go and here I am stalled, stalled, stalled. I’m trying to remain positive and motivated and moving forward. But it’s hard not to feel kind of defeated too. This morning I’m wearing this feminine “dressy” t-shirt top that I bought a month or so ago. When I first got it and started wearing it, I thought that it made me look a little “cute”. Today all I can think about how it makes me look is just dumpy and ugly. UGH! I know that this is not the attitude to have. I have to stay focused and positive! Well, I have my trainer today, so I’m sure I’ll be in a better mood after I workout with him.

Anyway, hopefully this long-ass-winded rant will last me for a while. I truly AM trying to remain positive and focused on my goals. But it is frustrating when I know I have a lot more ground to cover, to find myself ground to a halt like this, here in the middle of nowhere.

Some Walking, Some Running and Yoga

I have to admit, I have a very hard time with motivation on the weekends. My days are unstructured, I enjoy relaxing, I don't feel like going anywhere. So, I find it a real struggle to push myself to go run or something, like I do during the structure of a weekday. The day was waning today when I finally decided to drag myself downstairs to the treadmill. I decided to try one of the pre-programmed options on my treadmill for a change. I hadn't tried these before because I was worried that the top speed would be faster than I can handle. However, I found the opposite to be true, it never seemed to take me past a fast walk. I was able to bump it up myself however, so I did throw some running intervals in there. I've been watching GI Jane on the player by the TM, looking for kick ass inspiration, so I was particularly motivated to run during some of the more ass kicking parts. I need to find some other equally inspiring movies to watch from the TM, but my mind is currently a blank. Anyway, what I liked about the program was that it took me continuously up & down inclines. This was done much more than I would do myself and it took me as high as 7 or 8%, so I think I will try and use the programs again. Now that I know that the speed isn't too aggressive, I will definitely add more running intervals though. After the program was complete, I stayed on the TM and then did an additional mile of more regular running intervals. The total distance walked & run was about 2.5 miles.

After my treadmill session, I decided to try some yoga. I had purchased a beginner's yoga dvd a little while ago, but hadn't tried it yet. I bought a yoga mat while I was at Target yesterday, so I decided that I had run out of excuses. This particular dvd features an AM session and a PM session. Ideally it means for you to do this twice a day, the AM first thing in the morning, and then the PM to wind down from your day. I don't know how realistic it is for me to think that I'll actually do this twice a day every day, but I like the concept. Anyway, I did the PM version and found it relatively easy, with some nice stretching and relaxation parts. And it only took about twenty minutes, so it really wasn't at all overwhelming. Over all, I found it to be a nice cap off to my workout.

F*ed Up

Well, it started out as a nice day anyway. Very sunny, warm, ideal Summer Saturday. I had my lovely massage this morning, then ran to Target, stopped at a local farm stand and then was driving down the road back to my house when a little light rain started hitting my windshield. It was still completely sunny out, so as strange as it was, I figured that it was just passing through. Nope. Since then the weather has gone from a light Summer sun shower, to thunderstorms, to severe thunderstorms to now (about three hours later) the latest development, HAIL. Big freaking ice rocks of hail! And normally weather wouldn't freak me out all that much (I actually enjoy a good occasional thunderstorm) but hail makes me worry about tornados -- TORNADOS! Which is my ultimate big irrational fear -- I have crazy recurring nightmares about tornados. Freak. Me. OUT! I need chocolate! Hold me.

No Running Today

After yesterday’s dead leg session, I decided that maybe I should have a break from running. That worked out well for today as I had a personal training session scheduled anyway. I got to the gym a little bit early and got on the elliptical for twenty minutes. I found that ridiculously easy and kept having to bump up the level, until I reached Level 15. I also chose the “Hills” program, but I think I’m going to have to start trying some of the others, maybe I can find a more challenging one. And I’ll now be working at Level 15 or higher, I guess. Anyway, after the elliptical, I did the weights thing with the trainer. Today we did back/shoulders, triceps and some more abs. Man, are the triceps stuff hard work. And of course this is the area that needs the most work with me. I am determined that someday I will be able to wear sleeveless shirts! Surprisingly, I haven’t lost too much strength in the five or so weeks that I wasn’t able to train. For the most part I could do the same amount of weight, however there were a couple of the stations where I wasn’t able to do quite as many reps. Anyway, I’m encouraged that the little bit that I lost will come back quickly enough. I also purchased a new package of training sessions today, since I was pretty much at the end of the first set that I had bought. So now I’m committed to continuing with strength training, which is a very good thing.

I think I’ve been spoiling myself a bit too much with salon haircuts & highlights, pedicures and facials, because I looked at my calendar and was very disappointed to see that I didn’t have anything scheduled for this weekend. So, on a whim, I finally decided to give the massage place around the corner from my house a call. Now I have an appointment for tomorrow morning! It’s not all complete indulgence, I truly believe that regular massage can be very helpful towards keeping a runner injury-free. I had fully intended to add massage to my routine, once I felt that my running had gotten consistent enough. Not sure if I have quite the amount of consistency down that I had envisioned, but I’ve also been doing this since about April or early May, so I think it’s time regardless.

A New Trail

When I went out for my run this afternoon, I could really feel the three previous days of running and whatever, so I wanted to keep it flat and relatively easy. I decided to go back down the "Rookery" path, since it's not too hilly or rugged. But once I was on the path, I decided to take a different fork, a direction that I had never taken before. There were a few bits that were somewhat swampy, but I think that is probably unusual to the trail, but otherwise it was pretty nice. More interestingly, it took me down to a trail that was almost like an old, forgotten fire road. This put me across the road from a trail that I've been wanting to get to for a long time, but the only access to it that I knew about was down at the end of the company road, and I haven't really fancied the notion of everyone coming and going from their lunch hours, driving down the road and following my waddling fat ass. So, I was pretty pleased to find that this trail can take me there. The new trail is the "Duck Pond Path" and it is a series of trails that loop around a couple of hidden, swampy-looking ponds. It was rather brilliant really, completely deserted and it just seemed to go on & on. It branched in a number of places, so there may be some interesting trails to explore in the future, but the path I was on was relatively nice. Some hills, not a lot of them, not too bad in the rocks or ruts department, lots of bits of branches and roots to watch out for though. Oh and there were a crap load of mosquitoes out. It was stickier today than yesterday, so between that and being beside this pond thing, they were pretty numerous and annoying, I was continuously trying to slap them away. I was also extremely tired today. Dead feeling legs, sore quads (still) and just fatigued in general, so I really ran out of gas about two miles into the run. I've noticed that the mosquitoes tend to bother me more when I walk too, I guess the faster you go, the harder it is for them to keep up with you. More reason to work on speed. Anyway, I ended up taking a path that looped all the way around the water, bringing me back to where I entered that trail. I then backtracked down the other trail and back onto familiar ground. I ended up going farther than I had really intended to this afternoon (about 3.5 miles or so) and as a result, I ended up walking quite a bit more (especially on the return trip) than I usually have to. But after a while trying to get my tired legs to pick it up became an almost impossible task. I really need to work on that endurance thing too. Well, I guess I shouldn't be too rough on myself, this was the fourth straight day in a row that I've done some running. I haven't really done that in a good while. Anyway, not my best run, but it was fun and interesting to discover a new trail that I can add to my routine!

Rush, Rush, Rush

ARGH! I'm so busy at work right now! And I have a total crap load of meetings too. Today was just one after another, and in between each, I was trying to get work done, so it was a real challenge to squeeze in a run. But it was also the first very nice day that we've had in long time. Clear blue skies. Zero humidity. A bit lower temp (low 70s or thereabouts), just lovely. So I decided to rush between two meetings and grab a quick trail run.

I ran down the opposite direction as yesterday and ended up on the "Rookery" trail, which is a very nice path with few obstacles that winds gently through the woods. Nice soft path, not too rugged, no steep ups or downs, so it's really a wonderful stretch of trail to run, the amount of walking that I need to do there is minimal, so I find it very satisfying. From there I rejoined the trail that this shoots off of, that brings one back to another fire trail, through a meadow and down another wooded trail where you can then choose between the "Ledge Trail" and the "Wetlands Trail". Today I selected the Ledge Trail which is hillier and more technical, but the shorter of the two. I took this to the end and over to the other fire road, upon which I did two sprints down to where it connects with the road. All-in-all I think I did about 2.5 miles.

During all this I had to wonder when it is going to start to get easier. I've been doing this now for a few months and while I can't really say that running feels all that much easier, I felt that maybe it has gotten just the slightest bit ... less hard (how is that for a pessimistic, semantic spin on it?) My progress just feels agonizingly slow. Ugh. I'm still so slow. I know that the speed will get a little better naturally with continued weight loss, and if I continue to work on running (and particularly if I do hills and intervals and sprints) that will help some too, but it's still frustrating. But worse than the lack of speed, I think, is how much that I still have to walk. I guess I should just be happy that I'm able to do what I can do and just continue with my routine. Past experience has shown that it takes me a long time to become the consistent runner that I want to be, I just need to learn some patience.

Anyway, so I managed to get the run in. It was very rushed and so not quite as enjoyable as usual for that reason. And my legs were incredibly sore before I even started (from running Monday & Tuesday and still from the weight training on Monday) that I didn't even know if I would be able to run. But surprisingly, I didn't notice the soreness while I was out there. I can feel it now though, oh yes, my quads are freaking SORE! But it's that good kind of sore, so I'm happy.

1.6 lbs

That's what I was down this morning on my scale. I'm hoping that this means that I've finally broken through my plateau -- I spent the last 19 days or so at the same weight (well, within .2 of it anyway). I'll see what the scale shows tomorrow, I'm hesitant to believe a new number until I've seen it on the scale for at least two mornings in a row. Not to be scale and number obsessed, but I still have a good amount of weight to lose, and so I want to continue to see that trend downwards! It's too early to stall.

Back on the Trails

It was another busy day with back to back meetings through the morning and mid-day (when I would normally get out for a run), so I had to go much later than I usually do. It wasn't a bad time to go really, but trying to schedule it that late means that it is more likely that something is going to get in the way to conflict. Well, today it worked. There was a light rain coming down when I started, but I had a baseball hat on and frankly, we've had so much rain (day-after-day-after-day of it) that a little light rain really isn't all that bad in scope of all the crazy freaking weather at this stage.

Anyway, so a little light rain, and my phone. I decided to give my father a call while I was starting out. He had called last night at 10:00 (10 PM! What was he thinking???) So I returned the call and was able to talk to him while I warmed up. Of course, the call took longer than the warm-up warranted, so I walked a lot more in the beginning than I needed or otherwise would have. Because of the extended walk, I got to the bottom of my hilly trail set much fresher than I normally do. So I was able to run up the really steep first hill that I usually walk. It was pretty interesting because of all the mud avalanches that had obviously powered down this hill in recent weeks. Anyway, I was happy to do the hill and many of the hills afterwards. This part of the trail is consistently hilly enough that I do have to walk frequently, but I also feel like I've gotten a little better at this. The second half of this particular trail was as wonderful as always, long stretches of down hill and flat, that allowed me to run on & on without stopping for "miles" (not really THAT much, but if feels lovely anyway). As I was coming back down the fire road after this trail, I decided to make a turn once again down my short trail (called the, "Beaver Path" trail) since I walked through it the first time around while I was on the phone. I dipped into there and ran through and at the end, I turned around and ran back (walking some this time around).

Well, it turned out to be a pretty good run (I figure that I did about 3.5 miles), although my quads feel shredded right now. Between the intervals yesterday, the weight training and now trail hills today, I am sore, sore, sore! But it's a good sore.

There were a lot of mosquitoes out today and I saw even more varied and interesting toadstools. The large bright red ones are now as big as dinner plates. I also saw clusters of teeny tiny bright orange ones growing out of a rotted stump and I also saw toadstools that exactly resembled live coral you might see while snorkeling in the Caribbean or something. Crazy-ass-shit, all those mushrooms.

I Feel Good

I was surprisingly nervous for my first training session (since surgery) today. The appointment was scheduled for later in the day (usually I try to plan them for mid-day) because my trainer was not available earlier. And I ended up having a very busy day, so it was hard to get away early enough before the session to get in any kind of a real run. So I just jumped on the treadmill and did fifteen minutes of running intervals. I alternated: 1 minute walking / 1 minute running @ 6 MPH / 30 seconds running @ 6.5 MPH (rinse, repeat). It felt pretty good but I was also pretty well sweated up and out of breath when it was time to start the weights with the trainer. We did legs, biceps and abs and I was surprised to be able to do three sets of everything on the same weights that I had been up to about 5 or 6 weeks ago (of course the third sets got pretty damn hard, but I managed to get through them). So I was pretty happy with that. I was basically completely wiped out immediately afterwards though. I came home after my training session and logged back into work and finished up the workday, and then I got on the treadmill here at home and did another 15 minutes of running intervals, this time just alternating: 1 minute walking with 1 minute running (@ 6.0 MPH). Over all running mileage for today worked out to about 2.5. Oh, I also calibrated my pedometer while I was on the TM tonight and it looks like I'm getting 1895 steps to a mile. I'm not sure if that would ever vary if I have to walk more, or am able to run more (perhaps my stride would be longer running than walking? I don't really know), but this makes me think that I may have been under-estimating my mileage all this time (I've been figuring about 2,500 steps to the mile, since I'm short). Still, I think it's probably better to under-estimate it, than it is to over-estimate. Anyway, I feel great now! What a nice way to start off the week.

Personal Phone Calls

I'm not one who is much for personal phone calls at work. I'm not really a big phone talker anyway, but usually I have my cell phone with me, so if I have to call a doctor's office to make an appointment or something, I can just pick it up and step away for a minute to have a private conversation. Today I decided that, now that my gall bladder issues are resolved and in the past, I really had to make an appointment with the oral surgeon to finish the process with my dental implants (I need abutments placed on the implants and then my regular dentist can finish it all by putting crowns on top of that). Anyway, I forgot my phone today and so just called them from my desk phone. I realized half way through the call as I kept referring to the "implants" that I had done in January, that anyone hearing my half of the conversation on the other side of one of my cubicle walls, probably wouldn't automatically realize that I was talking about implants of the dental variety. ACK! Well, I guess I'll know who was snooping the next time I see one of my neighbors looking pointedly at my chest.

WTF???

So, it's a lazy Sunday and I've spent most of the day milling around. (Sleeping late, sitting out on my deck in the sun finishing my book, watching the dogs play outside, etc.) I've been wearing some running clothes around for about an hour or so now and finally got off the deck figuring that I would put my running shoes on and go drive to find a trail that I haven't run on before. So, I'm sitting here writing down directions to get to Mine Falls Trail in Nashua when I start hearing thunder rolling around outside. Again. A peek out the window and it is almost as dark as night! I was just outside in the blinding sun 5 minutes ago! WTF is going ON with the weather this Summer??? Sheesh! So I guess I'll wait around a bit and see what happens, maybe it will blow over. Or maybe it'll be a treadmill day for me. Whatever it ends up being, it's the start of my new training week and I have to do SOMETHING. I've been a bit lax about getting back on the training wagon since surgery and it's time to step it up. Tomorrow I see the trainer for the first time in about six weeks -- ACK!

Update: 2:55 PM

And now it's pouring down crazy rain. I suppose it could be worse, I could have been ON a trail somewhere, a couple of miles away from my car or something.

Finally!

A nice day. And on a weekend to boot. We've had such consistently terrible weather for the past month or so. Even the occasional day that has seemed to start out reasonably nice always ended with terrible storms rolling through. And it should be mentioned that I sure am glad that my neighbor had the two ginormous and completely rotted 50+ foot pines that were towering over my roof removed at the beginning of July. With the many severe storms we've had, I sure wouldn't have wanted to be worrying constantly about one of those trees ripping through my house all this time.

Professional Jealousy?

A sort of strange thing happened to me yesterday at work. A colleague pinged me and mentioned that she was working on some internal directory or something (not exactly sure what she was doing, really) and that she happened to come across my record and noticed that my job title is a level above hers’ – uh, hello? Staff job titles are no deep, dark secret, they can be looked up by anyone internally. She then said something to the effect of, “I don’t understand it, we basically do the same thing”. My response was, “we DO?” I don’t think there is anyone else in our group who does what I do specifically. Additionally, when I started here (almost three years ago) she was more or less a technical writer, I think, and was in charge of documenting requirements and maintaining team documentation. I was doing heads-down BI development for a customer. So, color me confused. She then asked if I could call her and we had a friendly, but vague little chat. It was sort of a weird encounter. I felt a little bit of bitterness from her, I guess she had thought we were in the same category. It’s so silly though, I really don’t pay much attention to job titles, as long as I’m earning a livable wage (I am) and have interesting work to do (I do), hopefully with some implied career path (it does), and am left alone to do my job (I am), then I am pretty happy. Besides, when you look at someone’s job title, there is usually an associated pay range, so it’s quite possible for her to be at the top of the pay range for her title, and for me to be at the bottom of the range for mine, and we could be making very close to the same thing, you really can’t assume that someone is making a lot more, just because they are a level above you. I did get the feeling that some of this bitterness might be money-related. Lastly, you just tend to make the biggest leap in title and pay when moving to a new company (as I did), rather than shuffling upward at the same company (as she has). I was at my old company for sixteen years and I KNOW for a fact that there were many colleagues in my group who had the exact same responsibilities as I did who made far more. That’s just the way the corporate world works. So I don’t know, it was a strange conversation and I came away feeling a little guilty somehow, like maybe I didn’t deserve where I was, or that my having my title had perhaps somehow excluded her from a step upwards. Or something. I don’t know, but I still feel a little unsettled about it a day later.

Oh and ...

Today was also a bad hair day and (this just in) I've somehow developed a pimple on my chin. A pimple! I never get pimples. Well, practically never. Sheesh.

I'm a Wreck!

Do you ever come to work and feel like you’re a total slob? That’s me today. I was so tired last night that I think I slept very deeply. Overnight some heavy rain started, so between the weather and my deep sleep, I had trouble shaking it off this morning. I was running a little late and it was relatively cool this morning, so I threw on an oxford shirt and a pair of pants that I like, but hadn’t worn in a while. Since I was running late, I didn’t bother with makeup (figured that I could throw some on when I got to work). Well, I got here and realized that I’m a mess! These pants are at least two sizes too big – which is a shame, because I used to really like them. I remember wearing them all over London about five years ago or so. But they’re so big right now that they’re literally falling down. They are supposed to be cropped (just above the ankle), but because they’re so big, they fall down so that the pants actually hit where a full length pair would. Additionally, the shirt I’m wearing is also huge. It looks like some oversized crazy smock or something. I feel so blech that I haven’t even bothered to put on the make-up that I brought with me. All-around I feel and look like one, big schlub. I guess this is another outfit that needs to be retired (probably needed to be retired a month or two ago).

I'm EXHAUSTED

I had to drive down to Rhode Island (and back) today to meet with a developer who is working on this application that I'm going to end up supporting. The time there was pretty productive overall, but it was a pretty long drive -- about 2 hours each way, and that's without hitting any traffic (luckily, it was smooth sailing both ways, so I lucked out there). All that driving is extremely tiring, I sure am glad that I don't have to do that every day! Just before I left, I was setting up a recurring meeting with the developer and he asked me, "is New Hampshire in the same time zone as Rhode Island?" What?!!! (the answer is, "uh, yes") hahahahaha! Okaaaaay then.

Sundry

Party Hardy

It was a busy weekend with Julia’s surprise party and diversion facial activity. Saturday morning, after an appointment first thing to get my hair trimmed up, I drove down to Brookline to meet Julia & Cher for a “girls’” spa day. JoeB had generously given Julia a gift certificate for a local day spa so that the three of us could all go together and be spoiled a bit. It was especially nice as, since we all live in different states, it’s very rare that we get to spend time alone together. It seems that usually when we see each other, it’s around some party or other type of crowded activity. So it was really nice to be able to just hang a little bit.

Of course, the real purpose of the facial afternoon was to divert Julia from what was going on back at her house. Driving down her street on our way back from the facials, it was noted that there were an awful lot of cars parked near her house. “Hmmmm, someone must be having a party or something.” We went to walk in the front door, with Julia in the front, and at first it was total silence, I thought to myself, “where IS everyone???” I knew that they couldn’t be out in the backyard since we had just driven through a severe thunderstorm and it was still raining. But then there was a thunderous, “SURPRISE!!!!!” and a bunch of flashbulbs going off. Well, you could have knocked her over with a feather, she was so shocked, so I’d say it was a job well done by Joe to orchestrate this whole thing and keep it a secret. No easy task when you consider that there were probably about 50 people there and a bunch of other people who knew about the secret.

So it came off wonderfully. There were lots of great people to talk to, people I know both from work and from running and a few interesting people here & there whom I had not previously met. And of course there was wonderful Southern BBQ! Pulled pork, brisket, ribs, BBQed chicken, corn bread (even though I passed on that) and the freshest corn on the cob that I’ve ever tasted. I tried to have a very small portion of each of the meat options and just one rib and one cob of corn to stick to my diet, and I think I did okay. I also had one beer, but it was easy enough to stick to one, since I knew that I had to drive later. So, I think I did pretty well in the food department. Anyway, after a while, all the chit-chat and socializing had pretty much sucked me dry, and it had just overall been a long day for me, so I had to call it quits and go home. I lead such a quiet life that this just exhausted me! I was pretty wiped out by the time I got home and then all day on Sunday. It sure was nice to have people to see and a party to go to, but I’m also very glad that every weekend is not busy like that for me.

Yet another trail run

Since the weekend was pretty much a bust for getting any workouts in, and since I have to go to Rhode Island tomorrow for work (and thus will be driving for over four hours during the day, in addition to working) and I know that it’s unlikely that I’ll get a workout in, I knew that I HAD to run today. It was also a lovely day, the humidity was low, and with all the high humidity we’ve had lately, I’ve got to jump on a low humidity day because I KNOW that it’s not going to last. I took the opportunity today to run down some trails that I had never run on before. I had discovered both when I was walking the trails back in April, before I started bringing my running shoes & clothes to work. Both were wonderful, narrow, pine needle covered tracks that wind softly through the woods. There were plenty of opportunities to run for extended periods of time without running into too many obstacles. One of the trails also took me through the swamp that gave me some interesting opportunities to pick over some wooden bridges, leap over muck & marsh and otherwise find solutions to get through some of the wet areas in some of the sections. I finished the last part of the run by first taking my short trail that I’m able to do now without walking and then running a series of three sprints down the fire road back to the company campus. The overall mileage was around 3 miles.

Plateau City

The scale has been stuck on the same damn number for two weeks now and I’m really beginning to get very frustrated. Frankly, it’s beginning to really PISS ME OFF. I can easily see how people can get frustrated on a weight loss journey and just give up. I think here is where the importance of having some good goals beyond a number on a scale comes into play. I can get mad and frustrated when I don’t see those numbers changing, but beyond that, I still have some running and fitness goals to keep in mind, so I can concentrate on that when the scale isn’t cooperating. Plus, being active just feels so damn good! I can only get so depressed when I’m consistently working out, but it rarely gets too bad. If I was sitting on the couch and obsessing over what the scale is telling me, it’s just too easy to give up and give the pizza delivery man a call. If I’ve had a good run that day, I’ve got the whole endorphin thing going on for hours, I don't want to mess with the good that I've done for myself that day and I’m less likely to fall into the junk food trap. At least, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Still, I wish that scale would start moving downward again, I’m truly getting pissed off about it!

Another Run

I went out for another mid-day run today and found it incredibly hot & humid. Especially humid. I believe that we’re due for some thunderstorms later today. Anyway, I wasn’t much in the mood for running at all and I was even slightly depressed when I started (really, I was just a little overwhelmed by a new project that I’m being sucked into). I felt extremely heavy and ungainly and unable to move myself very effectively. I decided to keep it as easy as possible and so I saved most of the running for the trail parts, most of which are in the woods and out of the sun. I walked more on these sections than I normally do, but I did still manage a fair proportion of running. All-in-all, I covered about 2.5 miles, give or take.

Toadstool Alert:

At one point during the run, I came across a bunch of very large, bright orange toadstools. That was new.

Other People:

I went out later than usual today (and let me tell you, 12:30 PM is NOT the time of day to go out when it’s hot like it is today). And of course I saw a lot of people out and about. On my way out to the trails I passed a soccer game underway and on my way back I passed a softball game and a volleyball game, no one was playing basketball however, and I couldn’t see as far as the tennis courts. I certainly have no desire to participate in any of these activities (I’m happy enough with my running routes, thank you), but I think it’s lovely that it’s available for people who do. I did see a few people out on the fire road and on the service road behind the campus. But then I was finishing up the backend of one of my favorite trails and encountered a couple of casual walkers complete in business attire. GAH! My sanctuary has been breached by oxford shirts and Dockers! Stay off my trails and stick to the walkways! I got back to the gym and the locker room was PACKED with women. I really dislike dealing with the locker room even in the best of circumstances, but it was so crowded and I was hot and not cooling down any time soon, and there were at least a couple of blow dryers going too – UGH! Misery.

Anyway, overall it was not my best or happiest effort. But I have to say I did feel much better after it was all done and my little depression was pretty much gone too. Running is the best stress reliever that I know of. Even a bad run will make you feel great afterwards.

Another Trail Run

I managed to get out and do another trail run today. It was hotter than yesterday, but the humidity still seemed to be relatively low, so I was pretty happy. My run was okay, I’m still a little frustrated with my slow progress, but running has always been this way for me, even when I was younger and weighed considerably less. It just takes a long time for me to get to a solid place where I can do good mileage and run with minimal or no walk-breaks. So I have to keep telling myself that I have to be patient. It’s almost becoming a mantra with me, with the weight loss too. Even though I’ve lost (to date) about 43 lbs, the last couple of weeks it seems to have slowed down to a crawl. Even though overall 43 lbs sounds great, I’m having trouble thinking past the last two weeks. I have to be patient, I have to be patient. It’s such a long, frustrating process ARGH!

Well anyway, the run went relatively well even considering my frustration. There was one trail section that I’ve done many times before. And always before I’ve had to take multiple walk breaks. Today I only needed two on this section. One break because I needed it and the other because there was a new fallen & rotted tree blocking the path. Both times the breaks were brief, so I was pretty happy with that and could feel that I’ve made progress. I felt that I also ran more on a more technical trail section too. I ran through some of the somewhat hilly and rocky pieces that in the past I would have walked through. Lastly, I did my lovely, short trail section where I had my “success” yesterday and, again, I was able to run the entire thing without stopping. This time it was after I had been running awhile, so by the time I got to the end I was gasping & gasping for air. If there had been a bench or something I would have sat myself down for a bit. I really felt that one. Anyway, after that I was pretty much done, so I walked the trail in reverse and headed on back. Overall I did about 3 miles, but about ½ a mile of that was a walking cool-down at the end.

The Un-Friendly Runner

I was surprised to see more runners out today than I expected to and I didn’t really enjoy that so much. One of the things that I find appealing about running (especially on trails) is the aloneness of it. I’ve never been one for team sports, I’m a classic introvert and running is just perfect for introspection and for challenging yourself, just for you and not worrying about what anyone else is doing. But runners tend to be a friendly sort, and most like to nod, or say “hi” or otherwise try to share the experience. I tend to be that unfriendly runner who wants to ignore your presence, I like to go on with the illusion that I’m out there alone. Most runners HATE people like me. If you stick around enough running message boards or discussion lists, you’ll come across a complaint about the “unfriendly” runner eventually. If I wanted to be nice and socialize I would play soccer or volleyball or something (either of which would instantly send me hurtling back through time to the most horrifying school flashbacks imaginable). Ironically, I used to love to run in Central Park in NYC and people watch while I did so. I just didn’t want to have to talk to or acknowledge any of the people there -- which is actually perfect behavior in NYC as nobody there expects anyone to say “hi” for Heavens sake. Yet anywhere else my anti-social running attitude makes me feel a little guilty, I guess I should just fake it (and sometimes I do), but I'd really just rather not see people while I'm out there.

A Good Run

I had a pretty good run today and that was a bit of a surprise. It’s actually always a surprise to me when a run seems to go relatively well, I’m not sure why. I guess because I still feel like I am so new (again) to this and since I’m also carting around more weight than is really ideal for running (for my frame anyway). Additionally, with trying to lose weight by cutting calories while also starting up a running program, I am walking a fine line between cutting enough calories to make a difference on the scale, while also eating enough to fuel my runs. There is a reason why lots of people who train for marathons find that they actually GAIN weight. Their bodies either scream for more calories by making them ravenous, or they feel like they are burning so many calories that they’re entitled to eat a lot more (or some combination of the two). All you have to do is log onto the RunnersWorld.com forums and you can read many laments on the subject. This was not my experience when marathon training, however. I actually lost weight. But I was also running in the mornings and spinning in the evenings in those days, and I am also one of those people who tend to be more careful about what she eats when exercising. If I’m taking the trouble & effort to fling sweat around, I don’t like to mess that up too much by ruining the effort with too much junk food. It’s when I fall off the exercise wagon that I tend to run into the most trouble. Anyway, this time around the food part of the weight loss equation has taken precedence with me and so I know that my daily calorie allotment is on the low side. I think it would be fine if I was just walking, but when I add running to the equation, I tend to run out of steam. And that almost always seems to happen right around the two mile mark. I’m not sure how much of that is lack of conditioning and how much is the lower calorie thing, it’s probably some combination of the two.

Anyway, so it was a glorious day. The humidity has been chased out (at least temporarily) by the series of severe storms we suffered through here in New Hampshire last week and through the weekend (as an aside, I sure was glad that I hadn’t planned a vacation for last week, it would have been a complete dud). So, it was sunny with low humidity and the mosquitoes weren’t as bad as they have been. I ran a couple of my usual trails and was thrilled to find that I was able to run one of the shorter ones without having to stop to walk once! That was the first time I’ve been able to do that. It is only about .2 miles, so nothing to be too impressed about, but it has uphills and downhills and plenty of roots & rocks & a few logs to jump over. So, I was pretty pleased with myself. I then did my trail with all the big uphills, but the nice thing about it is that it has some lovely downhills and flat bits down the other side that are just wonderful to run through and it’s a great reward for all the suffering you have to do on the first half of that trail. And then coming back, I decided to run my little .2 mile trail in reverse back to the fire road. This time I had to take one walk break in the middle (by then, I had exceeded my two-mile energy limit), but did manage to run the rest of it. All-together I did just a hair shy of three miles, I’d say. Maybe 2.8 miles? Somewhere around that distance. Over all, It felt pretty good.

Things I Love

Burt's Bees lip balm. I'm one of those people who absolutely have to have lip balm on hand at all times. Always. I guess you can say that I'm addicted. And my very favorite lip balm is Burt's Bees -- bliss! I was in a store a week or so ago and discovered a Burt's Bees tinted lip balm! Imagine my excitment to find a product that combines that wonderful lip balm comfort with my girly desire for pinky, shimmery lips. Love!

Mad Men

I discovered a series last week that had previously somehow passed by my notice.
"Mad Men" is an original series on AMC (who even knew that AMC does original series? I know that I didn't). The series takes place in circa 1960 and is about a bunch of slick advertising execs on Madison Avenue. I know, I know, you're thinking, 'Eh', I thought the same thing. But I was intrigued because it's apparently been nominated for a shitload of Emmys, so I thought that it might be worth checking out. First I placed it in my Netflix queue (the first season is available on DVD and the second season starts this Sunday!) But then I did some searching around and found out that they were having a "Mad Men" marathon this past Sunday, every episode from the first season shown back-to-back. So I recorded them ALL on the DVR and have been working my way through them this week. I have to say that it's brilliant! It is SOOOOOOO sexist and I find that extremely disturbing, but it also adds such an element to the drama (and, yes, comedy) that I find myself completely riveted, sometimes just staring at the screen with my mouth gaping open. I don't doubt that the world was every bit as sexist in the bad old days as showcased in these episodes, so watching this is almost like being an archaeologist discovering a long, lost society or something. Like Atlantis. heh. Oh the other thing is, they all constantly drink & smoke throughout the show too, I find myself both completely horrified and engrossed at the same time. The story lines are all unique and so outside the usual standard boilerplate of TV content. It's completely refreshing and fun to watch, I have not seen even a mediocre episode yet. So great to discover something so delicious smack dab in the middle of a dull Summer filled with repeats and horrible contest/games shows and reality TV.

On a Roll

I managed to get outside and run the trails again today. I took a different series of them and did about three miles (distance estimated by using my pedometer). It was another swampy day, but again, the temps weren't quite as bad as they had been a couple of days ago. Well, when I say that the temp wasn't as "bad", I mean that it was about 80 degrees with about 90% humidity, rather than 90 degrees with about 90% humidity (just so as we're clear). Some of the trail is pretty rugged and I had to be very careful with foot placement since with all the rain and moist weather we've had, the stretches of slab granite and slate embedded in the paths can be very treacherous, those rocks get pretty slick when they're wet and it's easy to forget that the surfaces aren't always just dirt, pine needles and leaves. Still, this is the kind of stuff that makes trail running fun and interesting! So, another workout day down, I'm once again on a roll towards building some exercise consistency.

I had a surprisingly good run ...

today. I wanted to try a run outside, since I did treadmill intervals yesterday. But, geez, was it murky and nasty out today. It took a lot of convincing, but I managed to get myself out there and I'm glad that I did. I ran about 2.5 of trail loop, one of the steeper trails that I do. I had to walk some of the steeper hills, but I was able to run more of it than I expected to be able to do. It was very humid, but I think the temps were lower than they were yesterday, so it was actually somewhat bearable. We've had so much heavy humidity around here lately that there are all kinds of crazy toadstools growing out in the woods. I mean, huge, bright red ones the size of salad plates, mushrooms of all kinds of strange shapes & colors & sizes. I almost felt like I should be running through Middle Earth or the Land of Oz or something. Bizarre. Anyway, it ended up being quite a nice run, very satisfying. And I was even happier to have gotten it done when the torrential rain started about an hour or so later.

Trying to get back into it

I managed to start the new week off with a workout. In my former running life, my training week was always Sunday to Saturday. I liked to break the weekend up like that in case I have an off one, that way it gets split between two. Oh the mind games I have to play with fitness stuff. Anyway, it's been so stinking oppressive this weekend, today was downright murky (finally, the thunderstorms have just started) so it wasn't conducive to doing anything outside. So it was back to the treadmill for me. I did three miles of running intervals, followed with one mile of brisk walking on a higher incline. I found my energy really waning in the last ten minutes of the running part of the workout, I think because I ate a very small lunch today and hadn't had a lot of water either. Plus, I haven't been consistently working out for a couple of weeks now, so I'm sure that was also a factor. Anyway, I'm pretty happy with it and I feel like I've started my week off right. Now I have to keep it up for the rest of the week. One workout down, five more to go (for the week).

Clothes, Glorious Clothes

Since I've lost about 40 lbs or so, I have of course found myself in the position where all of my old clothes no longer fit. I'd say that I'm down a little more than two sizes at the moment. Of course, since I still have weight to lose and I'm still in the middle of this process, I also don't want to invest a ton of money on lots of new clothes in what will hopefully only be a transitional size. Luckily I've been able to find a lot Summer stuff on sale at some of my favorite online stores (as well as Target and TJ Max), so I've been able to fill out my wardrobe enough to last me a good couple of months or so, without having to break the bank.

With the weight loss, I am now more interested in cuter clothes and in trying to look nice, even to run out for an errand or something. This morning I had an appointment and since I was already out & about, I decided to make a stop in the mall to do some browsing, something I haven't really done much of in many years. I browsed through a few stores realizing that I really didn't need anything, so I wasn't very intent, but I definitely felt different in these stores than I have in a long, long time. Used to be I would feel embarrassed or even almost apologetic for myself when searching through a store for something that would fit my ass. Now I felt almost cute and that I could walk into pretty much any store there and find plenty of stuff that would fit me. I just didn't really want anything. Anyway, it was a good feeling and one that I hadn't had in a while. It's amazing what losing some weight and becoming more physically active can do for your frame of mind. I feel so much more attractive and positive these days.

Boredom can be dangerous

I did a weird thing over the weekend. I was kind of bored and was doing some internet surfing and decided to go browse the Match.com site. Used to be you could browse ads in your zipcode without committing yourself to a membership, but it appears they've changed their policies and you have to now give them an email address to get onto their site. In addition to that, they apparently no longer accept free internet email addresses (such as Yahoo or Gmail or whatever) and there is no way I'm registering with Match.com with my work address, so I gave up on that. So next I went to EHarmony which allowed me to register with a Gmail address and took me immediately to this involved and very long questionaire. I shrugged my shoulders figuring I had nothing better to do and filled it out. Well. Since I did all this, my inbox has been flooded with matches and requests for communication and I haven't even joined the stupid program! So now I'm stuck with not really knowing what I want to do. I was thinking of maybe joining Match or EHarmony once I got closer to my weight loss goals, but I really don't think I'm quite ready yet. But in the meantime I'm receiving all these general profiles and requests for communication from men and since I'm not a member, I can't even respond or see their pictures or read anything beyond the most generic general canned profile descriptions. But I'm not ready to meet men! ACK! I should have just done some internet shopping and over-spent on stuff that I don't need like I usually do when I'm bored. Sheesh.

1st Post-Surgery Workout

So I decided to try a real workout tonight. I figured that I would keep it simple so I just got on the treadmill for a little over 30 minutes and did some slower running intervals. It was hard enough, but not impossible, thankfully. Running causes this deep ache at the site of my surgery, but none of the incision sites seem to be at all bothered, so that is good. I ended up doing one minute running intervals followed by one minute fast walking intervals, so I never had a break of more than a minute (and even those one minute breaks were kept at a brisk pace, so they were active rests). That seemed to work pretty well, so I think I can start some regular running again at this stage. I'm going to keep the intervals slower for this week at least, but other than that I guess I can say that I'm back in the running game. Not too bad really, only one week post-surgery, I can't complain about that.

Quick Weight Loss Update

As of this morning, according to my bathroom scale, I have lost 40 lbs since I began this journey back in March. I'm pretty happy about where I am right at the moment and am hoping now that the surgery is behind me that I can jump back into the fitness part of this equation very soon. I did take one of the dogs for a two-mile walk today and was surprised to feel some achy pain where my gall bladder used to be. It took me a bit by surprise really, I've been feeling so great sitting around and running out to do errands, I really wasn't expecting to feel much discomfort. Anyway, it wasn't bad enough to make me want to stop walking or anything, but it makes me think that I might not be ready to try some running this week. We'll see, I'll probably give it a shot at some point anyway.

Non-Scale Victory

I went to my hair stylist yesterday to get my highlights touched up and she said that I'm looking really terrific these days. And now with refreshed highlights, probably even better -- Ha.

Odd

I did the strangest thing today, I bought a skirt. Odd. I haven't even worn a skirt in years & years. I don't know what possessed me really. Oh well, it was only $12 or something. And who knows? Maybe I'll actually wear it.

Hunger

Well, my appetite has officially returned. That didn't last long!

Feeling MUCH Better!

I feel SOOOOOOOO much better this morning, closing in on almost normal, I'd say. Belly is still pretty sore and I'm really kind of scared to start peeling the bandages off, even though they told me that I could by now. I just don't think that I'm ready to see what's under them. But I took my first shower this morning (I just washed my hair in the sink yesterday) and I feel pretty clear-headed. I can take a deep breath without it hurting too much, but if I cough, that still hurts. Anyway, I think all the sleep I had Wednesday - Thursday and last night really helped. I still have to wear really loose clothing, because of the belly soreness, but a lot of the bloat seems to be gone now. The scale said that I am now only up about .5 lb from my pre-surgery weight, so it's getting there. Maybe I'll even try a walk later today.

WTF?

A very strange thing happened today. During one of the brief stints of time where I was actually awake and sitting in my living room, my door bell rang. Once I was able to get the dogs calmed down and squeezed myself out the door to see what was going on, I saw this huge delivery truck backed up to my garage with two guys hauling at this enormous box. The one guy came over with a yellow delivery slip with my name and address on it and told me that he had a furniture delivery for me from Target. What??? I also saw on the slip instructions to leave the ginormous box if no one was home. I told them that I had not ordered any furniture and that I was going to refuse delivery. He then asked if anyone else could have ordered it, and I pointed to the dogs pressed against the glass storm door and said, "not unless you think one of those four dogs could have." So they rolled their big cargo door closed and drove away. I can't even imagine what I would have done had I been asleep or something when they came. They would have left that humongous, and no doubt extremely heavy, box in front of my garage and I wouldn't have been able to move it at all, being two days post-surgery and all. My God.

The Big Weenie

Ugh, I just wish that I felt better already! I'm so swollen and bloated and sore. My throat is sore and my belly button incision hurts like a mother! And I still haven't really slept. I know I'm a big baby, but I'm used to feeling healthy. I think I'm going to try and skip the pain meds, I think that's part of what is making me feel lousy. I'm going to take some Tylenol PM tonight instead I think. Maybe it'll also help me sleep.

Sleepless

It’s the day after my surgery and I haven’t had more than two or three hours of sleep in total. I thought that I was going to come home yesterday and just crash! And that I would then need long periods of sleep for the next 24 – 48 hours. Well, not so much, at least not so far. I wasn’t at all tired yesterday, I finally went to bed around 11 and just laid awake all night long. Finally at around 3 AM, I got up and came downstairs and put on a movie and just zoned out in the dark with the movie on. I think I finally dozed off sometime after 5 AM, but then was awake again by 7:30. WTF? The pain came on last night too. The incisions in my belly aren’t too bad, pretty sore and I want to be careful not to strain the area too much, but it’s not horrible. But the worst of the pain last night was where the actual surgery had occurred (where the gall bladder had been removed). The pain feels much like a very sharp side stitch that doesn’t go away (only in the area of my upper torso, sort of to the right, under the rib cage). But still, it’s a fraction of the pain I was experiencing when I was having one of those attacks that I had been suffering through. And even this morning that surgery pain doesn’t seem as bad as it was last night, so I’m hoping that that means it’s beginning to subside some. Lastly, I have sharp pain in my shoulders. The nurses at the hospital forewarned me about this (and I’m glad that they did, so at least I know what it is). When they do the laparoscopic surgery, they have to fill your abdomen with air so that they can see and move around, and it bloats you and the air that gets trapped can travel (oddly) to your shoulders and get stuck up there, causing pain. So I know what it is anyway, what I don’t know, however, is how long it should last! (Of course I forgot to ask). I mean, how long can you expect air to be trapped in your shoulders? It’s got to dissipate sometime. Lastly, I stepped on the scale this morning and I was up 4 lbs! From yesterday! I mean, I know it’s all fluid retention and bloat, but … GAH!

Home

Well, I'm home from he hospital and am feeling pretty freaking good, all things concerned. I just have a little discomfort, mild pain, but nothing really terrible. So, here I sit watching movies with all my dogs surrounding and cozying up to me. And my heinous gall bladder attacks should be a thing of the past. I've got to say, I'm feeling pretty content right about now.

Fabulous News

I just received word that
the Boxer rescue group is going to let me adopt Mojo after all! I am so happy and excited, I can't even convey it properly. They told me that they are going to be making an exception to their rules to allow this, so I feel especially lucky.

The Wrench in the Works

As I mentioned previously, I’ve been pretty happy with the progress that I’ve made so far with working out, watching my diet, getting in shape and losing weight (weight loss to date is approximately 37 lbs). I have some momentum now, my attitude is much more positive and focused on activity and health & fitness and I’ve been sincerely pretty happy. The wrench in the works to this recent lifestyle change, however, is a health issue that has developed with me starting in, oh about, the end of April or so.

It all started one day at work while I was on a phone meeting. I started feeling some mild discomfort that grew until I was actually in a lot of pain with pressure (in the center of my lower chest, upper stomach area), could hardly breathe, and felt like I was both going to both pass out and throw up at the same time. I thought that I was having a heart attack. And all I could think was, ‘just great. I finally decide to take control of my life and get healthy and it’s too late and I’m going to die anyway.’ (I think that I had lost about 20 or so lbs at that stage). So, I went down to the security office at work, put my head down on the counter and said, “I think I’m having a heart attack.” They hustled me into the office and whipped out an oxygen mask, started taking vital statistics and called EMS. Of course, right around the time that EMS came, I started feeling better and of course then started feeling really embarrassed for causing such a fuss. EMS convinced me that I should run down to see my doctor, however, to rule out that anything particularly dire was wrong. Unfortunately, my primary doctor was unavailable on such short notice, so I got passed to a new colleague with whom I just did not hit it off. She had the nurses give me an EKG that they had to do five or more times, never really figuring out how to do it properly. Then this doctor put me in a tail spin by telling me that she didn’t like my EKG and that I needed to go to the ER (she was ready to call an ambulance!). She then made a comment about the fact that I was visibly upset. I lost it at that point, practically yelling at her, “Upset? Of COURSE I’m upset! You just told me that there may be something wrong with my heart, I think I’m entitled to be a little upset, I really don’t think you should make me feel bad about that.” (She then had the audacity to tell the ER doctor I ended up seeing that there was a possibility that I was having a panic attack. I mean, WTF???) Anyway, I drove myself to the ER where they were able to take me right away, they did the whole host of tests (EKG, heartrate monitoring, blood tests, chest x-rays) and determined that the attack that I had had was NOT heart-related (TG). The ER doctor said that the issue was most likely a gall bladder or GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease, basically, a fancy name for severe heart burn) issue.

Well, I had a second attack the following week and so went to see my doctor. She wanted to lean towards GERD and prescribed Prilosec and sent me for an abdominal ultrasound. That did confirm that I had gall stones, but my doctor still was skeptical that they were causing me these severe attacks, I think because even though I have stones, the gall bladder itself was not distended or compromised or irritated, etc. (if you let this go too long, it can get pretty bad, I guess, it can get infected, the walls become thick and it can even burst). Anyway, after experiencing two more attacks over Memorial Day Weekend, I called my doctor’s office again for a referral to a GI specialist. Of course the specialist wasn’t available until July, so I was pretty much in a holding pattern. That is, until Wednesday night/Thursday morning, June 25th / 26th. The start of a bad attack woke me at about midnight and kept me awake in screaming pain all night long. Finally things subsided enough so that I was able to drive myself to the ER at about 5:30 AM. Once there I went through the usual labs and the ER doctor became alarmed because my liver levels were elevated to 4x what they were a few weeks before. He worried that I might have a blockage of the common bile duct, which can be pretty bad, apparently. So I was whisked off for another ultrasound where they were able to determine that the common duct was most likely okay, but the gall bladder had “a bazillion little stones”. The ER guy said that this is something that they see a lot and that my attacks even sound “classic”. He had no doubt that these attacks were completely gall bladder-related. To be frank, I’m a little relieved, everything I had read about GERD didn’t hold out much hope that the condition is ever really satisfactorily treated and most people end up living with a chronic, and sometimes debilitating, condition. Anyway, so the ER doctor called my doctor and convinced her finally about the gall bladder theory and I was set up with a surgeon with whom to follow-up. That happened last week and he’s now scheduled me for surgery on Tuesday morning! That’s Tuesday, as in, the day after tomorrow! ACK!

I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t freaking out a bit about the thought of surgery. I’m actually being a bit of a weenie about it. I don’t know why I’m so scared, I’ve had surgery before. But the biggest thing for me now is the wrench that this might throw into my working out and weight-loss efforts. The sessions with the personal trainer are going to have to stop for at least four weeks and the surgeon seemed to think that I was not going to be comfortable running for a couple of weeks either. He seemed to think that I was a little strange for asking how soon that I could run, that this seemed to be my biggest concern. He also said that I seem to be in pretty good shape, so that I should bounce back and recover quickly. It made me wonder, if I am the picture of health & fitness to him, what shape are his usual patients in? Scary thought. The other odd thing was that he suggested that I take two weeks off of work. That seemed pretty extensive to me, but he said that he likes to be conservative in case the patient doesn’t recover quickly, he wants people to have made the right prior arrangements with their jobs. But since I can work from home, I figure that I can play it by ear.

So, that’s the whole, long, sad story. I’ve wanted to blog about it before now, but I had also hoped that it was all going to go away. Since I now have a definitive diagnosis and it looks like it’s going to be a factor in my life for about a month, it seems like a noteworthy thing to write about. Maybe I can head off any roadblocks in the weight-loss area by writing about my frustrations with the recovery and my cravings for comfort food.

Dog Tired

I don't know what it is, but I am always exhausted on Tuesday nights, always. I mean, it's not even 9 PM nor is it fully dark out yet, yet I can barely keep my eyes open.

Catching Up

Ugh, it’s been so long since I last posted that I almost don’t even know where to start. I hate this, so much time goes by and I feel that I have so much to catch up on that I’m pretty overwhelmed. So anyway, let’s see, where to start, where to start …

Dogs, Dogs, Dogs

Well, Mojo is still with us and has become a much loved member of my canine family, at this point I just can’t imagine having to give him up. He is such a total love. Wants to be petted and loved and he’s happy just to have that human attention. He can get pretty riled up and plays very actively with Tig and Fitz, they all play so hard that they completely wear each other out. But when not playing, he is very mellow and happy to just hang out and be adored. The Boxer rescue group still has him up on their adoption page however, and I have heard nothing definitive back about my keeping him, so I really have no idea what is going to happen. But at this stage, he is part of my family now, so giving him up will just be horrible, if it comes to that. Still, I would like to know soon, I think, as I would like to sign him up for obedience school and get him his tags and micro-chipped, etc. make him official. Right now we’re too much in limbo and it makes me uncomfortable.

Health & Fitness

So, back in March I took a good look at my lack of fitness, general health (or where it would be trending soon, if I didn’t take some action) and my weight and didn’t like what I saw, so I decided to get a grip on things. I have known for a while now that I had to make some changes and it’s been some time coming, so I finally managed to get the ball rolling. I started with diet, cutting back on portions, getting used to more fruits & vegetables and cutting out junky stuff. And also … cutting out BEER (I think that hurt the most!)

Well, after about a month and a half of watching the eating as well as after losing some weight, I started to up the activity. I started using a pedometer (as I mentioned earlier in this blog) and I started taking walks at lunchtime at work. At first the walks were relatively tame, just around the various footpaths, but soon I started venturing out onto the wooded trails. And as I started going further & further and into the more technical trails, I more & more realized that I wanted to run. Badly. So, one day I brought gym clothes & running shoes to work with me, changed in the locker room and did just that. It wasn’t pretty, and I wasn’t able to run nearly as much as I wanted to, but I kept at it. Well, since then, I’ve developed a routine of running five to six times a week! I can’t even believe it, even at my most committed during my first running incarnation, I never managed to run that many days in a week, and particularly week after week. I alternate between running trails in the woods around work (I love living & working in New Hampshire!) with running intervals on the treadmill. So far I am extremely slow (not that I was ever very fast, even when I was in shape for it) and I still can only run for intervals of a couple of minutes at a time (at most), but I’m sticking with it and getting out there and hoping that eventually some of this training will kick in. (I’m still waiting for that).

Additionally, I decided to sign up for some personal training at the company gym. It’s a pretty good deal and I felt that if I have this to anchor my week, it will help motivate me and keep me on track. Plus, I tend to be the type that will blow off strength training and abs work, if left to my own devices, so having training appointments will help force me to do that stuff. The first couple of weeks I had one session per week, but starting last week I moved to two. My muscles are sore and sometimes it’s hard to work in those sessions around the various meetings and other commitments I have, but I think they’re valuable and I schedule them in on my calendar, just like any other meeting. I’m worried about building too much muscle as I tend to build it easily (and at 5’2”, I don’t want to be muscle-bound) but that’s another good reason to employ the trainer, hopefully he will know what he’s doing, where I have no clue.

I’ve even managed to get my bike fixed up and actually took it out for a ride this past weekend. That was fun and a pretty hard workout. I thought compared to the running that it was going to feel easy, but it was hard, just in a different way. It had been so long since I had been on a bike that I had completely forgotten what it was like.

With the diet changes and the exercise I’ve added, I’ve managed to so far drop over 30 lbs since March. Considering my age, my hypothyroidism and my general tendency towards a sluggish metabolism and other hormone challenges, I’m pretty impressed with myself so far – heh. I’m sure that this weight-loss will slow down or plateau eventually, but right now I’m feeling very happy and positive about it all. Also, with the addition of exercise and activity, I feel so much better in general, in a good mood almost every day, I’m sleeping better in general, am relatively energetic, and pretty happy overall. So if a plateau happens, I can concentrate on how great I feel and work myself through it that way, rather than get too discouraged (hopefully anyway).

All-in-all, I’ve had a pretty damn good Spring, I have to say. I can only hope that Summer goes as well. At some point I suppose I should set some concrete goals, but I don’t honestly know what those are going to be yet. I know that I am only looking at the weight-loss in increments of about 10 lbs, so I’m just looking towards the next ten right now. When I get closer to where I want to be, I will reevaluate and try to come up with a more specific number to zero in on. The running and working out too, I’m not sure what my goals are going to be yet. For now I’m aiming for general good fitness so that I can do whatever I want to do and maximize my quality of life. I would like to be able to go out my door and run five miles easily without it being a major effort, I’ll be happy if I can get to that stage. Doesn’t have to be fast, but if I can run all of it, I’ll be fairly pleased with myself. Eventually I might have some kind of race goal, like maybe to run a half-marathon or even a marathon again, but I don’t think that I will even start to think about that until I can bang out at least the five miles without too much trouble. Right now I am too far away from being able to do that, to really consider anything more ambitious yet.

So, that is the update on the major stuff anyway. I’ve been pretty boring really, keeping quiet, exercising, walking the dogs, going to work, sitting on my deck and reading a lot. Life is good.

Dog Foster

I volunteered recently to be a foster home for this New England Boxer rescue group that I have been dealing with. The dog that I was originally supposed to get last month fell through, but they contacted me last week with another dog who needed a place and I got to pick him up on Friday night. Mojo arrived on this rainy night right after his neutering and to much trepidation on all sides. The poor guy, I don't really know anything at all about his history except that he was in a shelter for some reason. I don't even know how old he is. Anyway ...

Can I say that I just LOVE this dog??? Mojo is unbelievably sweet. He’s gentle with my smaller dogs (he’s interested in them, but not too pushy or overwhelming to them), yet he gives the right amount of energetic horse play with Tig (my Boxer) that they both enjoy the experience and are able to fulfill that Boxer playfulness that they need, without it ever getting too aggressive. When not playing, he is completely mellow. He likes to stick close to me, always sticking his big head into my lap, or crawling on top of me to claim my lap for a nap. I don’t think anyone has ever taken the trouble to teach this guy much as the only command he seems to know is “sit”. But this makes me even more impressed with his wonderful good manners.

I had thought that bringing another dog into my home would make this place even more chaotic. But to be honest, I believe the opposite is true with Mojo here. He seems to be lending a nice, calm energy to the other dogs. Tig is no longer chasing Fitz (my boy Pug) in laps around the house, nor is he any longer baiting Lola (my girl Pug). He seems completely fulfilled by having another Boxer around, and the calm energy of Mojo seems to be rubbing off on him as well. I had worried that he might be a little jealous, but I really think he is whole-heartedly enjoying Mojo has a member of the pack. Even Lola seems happier as she now no longer becomes the focus of the other dogs when play escalates. Although, I suspect part of Fitz misses being chased a little bit.

I was of the mind that three dogs was my limit, but this happy circumstance is causing me to re-think that idea. I’m wondering if another Boxer (at least one with the same temperament and energy level as Mojo) might actually be a great situation for us after all. In any case, Mojo is doing wonderfully. He already seems quite happy and he has relaxed quite a bit from his first uneasy night. He is pretty skinny, so I’m hoping some good quality food (and plenty of it) and lots of treats will fill him out to where he should be.

Running Intervals

I'm actually a little bit excited. It's been a long time since running has been a part of my life and I kind of miss it. For me, however, I know that it takes quite a bit to get myself up to speed enough where I feel that I can really call myself a runner. So I've been rather overwhelmed and even a little bit depressed over what a task it will be to get myself to that place.

I've been trying to do more walking in general (thus, the pedometer) and I have also been throwing in some running intervals, where appropriate. And it's been terribly hard and daunting end even rather embarrassing (in public), but I've been trying anyway. And then tonight I got on the treadmill and started to do my intervals and I just decided to dial it down a bit. So, I brought it down to this horrifyingly slow pace and was able to run for intervals of 4 - 5 minutes at a time! (I had been doing 1-minute intervals) Color me amazed. Well, duh, I've been in this running game long enough to know that slowing down is the key to building mileage for a beginner (or re-starter, as I am). I've even advised newbies to do this myself. Duh, duh, duh. I think it's just that even my "too-fast" pace is itself an embarrassingly slow pace, that the slow-down from that is just almost ridiculous (at least if the treadmill display is to be believed). But at this stage in the process I really just have to forget about all that anyway. Forget about pace and speed, just get time / distance in. Get my time in on the road (or the TM belt) and the pace can come later. I know this, I guess I just forgot that I know it. Or something.

Pedometer = Motivation

So, I bought a pedometer after work on Tuesday after reading some personal stories on the 'Net somewhere about people who use them to help motivate themselves into walking more. I have also read somewhere that you should generally target about 10,000 steps per day for general good health and reasonable-average fitness. I figured that it couldn't hurt, they're cheap enough after all. And, while it might not train me for a marathon, it might at least get me started back down that old running road.

So I bought the pedometer on Tuesday. After 5 PM or so on Tuesday I managed to put about 8,000 steps on it. Yesterday I reached almost 13,000. And today I'm up to about 20,000. This sucker MOTIVATES. At least until the novelty wears off. Well, and the wonderful weather doesn't hurt either.

How to Feel Like an ASS

In the Ladies Room, run into a colleague who recently was out for several weeks for vacation to India. Mention to her that you had heard that she had been going to India to get married and how did that go? Deep silence (you can hear crickets). Colleague finally answers, “Oh, the marriage plans fell through”. DOH! (more crickets) Follow up with lame stumbled response, “ohhhhhh. Well. How did the rest of your trip go anyway?” (stupid stupid stupid – bangs head on sink).

Socially Awkward is my middle name.

You Think You're Having a Bad Day ...

When, on a Monday morning you are stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic (on a road where that rarely happens). Until you pass: first a guy pulled over to the side of the road changing a tire. Then a car pulled over to the side of the road after an apparent fender bender. And, finally, an SUV that had flipped, finally coming to a rest on its side in the fast lane of the highway going the other direction. After all that, you somehow have to concede that there are people out there who are having a far worse start to their week.

Things that have annoyed me in the last few days:

Cleaning up after strangers. If you use the microwave and your CRAP spills all over the rotating plate thingie, don’t just slink away and leave it for the next person to have to mop up! Hello?! Why should I have to clean up YOUR slop before I can heat up my lunch? Could you BE more selfish? Sheesh.

People who don’t signal. Why is this so difficult for most people? I mean, what kind of effort does it really take to turn on a stupid blinker?

Tail-gaters. Yes, I see you latched there on my bumper. Can YOU see the string of cars in front of me? Just what, exactly, do you expect me to do?

Someone in my neighborhood each morning insists on driving her widdle pweshus to the end of our road (all of .2 of a mile long) and then sitting there idling at the bottom of the road so pweshus can sit inside in comfort and wait for the school bus. The problem is, anyone trying to exit the neighborhood (which is pretty much anyone who has to get to work in the morning) has to now swing around her stupid ginormous SUV while trying to merge onto a busy connecting road, making the maneuver all the more difficult and dangerous. But as long as pweshus doesn’t have to walk that grueling .2 mile and can sit and relax in comfort, it’s worth it. Right? Entitled cow.

Someone at work stole my guest chair and replaced it with a stained one. There are plenty of empty cubes around with spare chairs, couldn’t you have stolen one of those? SHEESH.

I don’t understand why my hair which was looking good and smooth and all going in the direction I wanted it to when I looked at it in the Ladies Room mirror in one hour, is suddenly all flippsidy-doodle and all going the wrong way and sticking out every which way in the next. All I’ve been doing for the hour that has passed is sitting at my desk! You’d think I had been through a wind tunnel or something. I. Just. Don’t. Understand. It.

My father. My sister called me yesterday to chat. And during the course of that conversation, she happened to mention that my father’s wife’s daughter (the one who can’t seem to exist without constant financial assistance from her mother) is finally buying a house. But because she is completely broke, “they” are buying her a brand new washer & dryer for the house! WTF?! I remember a year and a half ago when I moved into MY house, being all stressed out because I had to buy a washer & dryer right away. My father certainly didn’t offer to buy this for me. I just sucked it up and dug up the money to get it myself. I didn’t so much as get a house-warming gift from them! This really boils my piss. What also worries me is, I fear that they may have co-signed for Irresponsible Daughter’s mortgage. I don’t know if that is true (and hopefully it’s not), but I remember my father telling me that she had wanted to buy something for a good while, but that her credit was never good enough to qualify for a mortgage. And this was during the years when EVERYONE was qualifying for a mortgage! If you had a heartbeat, you could get 100% financing. Nowadays the requirements are more restrictive, so it makes me wonder.

I must be delirious

Seriously. I was just walking around the floor at work on my way to the Ladies Room and I passed one of the cleaning people dusting the wall separator for the pantry area with this floppy mop-type thing on a pole. Only when I first saw it, I swear that I thought it was one of those flopsy kinds of dogs, like a Lhasa Apso or a Maltese or Pomeranian or something. I had to do a double-take to understand what I was really seeing. My head is stuffy and congested today, but I think it’s affecting my brain too. Sheesh.

Mr. Tig Wiggle-Butt

I was trying out the video function of my new camera and so I took this video of Tig. I was actually trying to capture the "Boxer Bean", but by the time I got the camera out, he wasn't beaning as much as he had been earlier. Anyway, the video isn't the best quality, but you can watch it if you want:

Video here.

Dog Pictures

He actually lies down and rests sometimes.


Boxer - Pug Standoff


Snow!


More snow (WTF? It's going to be April in a few days!)

Fighting Demons

I somehow stumbled upon this book, I’m not even sure how or where I found it, to be honest. I sometimes will hear about a book, or see a description somewhere or someone mentions some book on a message board some place and I’ll order it, where it will sit amongst the piles of books sitting in queue around my house. And then, based upon my mood, I eventually get around to reading it, usually by then having long forgotten how the book came to be in my possession in the first place.

Anyway, I picked this book out of the pile a few days ago and I have to say that it immediately spoke to me (as many books do) but deeply, on an actual physical and psychological level, much as this book spoke to me on a spiritual level. You see, this story could easily have been a chronicle of my own life, or at least part of it anyway. Maybe not exactly or literally, and certainly I have not reached the levels of resolution (nor do I have the talents or the incredible insights and understanding) that the author has. Not yet at least, but her journey deeply moved me, it hit home for me on an intense gut level that I find hard to even describe. Even now, here late, late on a “school night” I find myself awake and weeping with the raw feelings that these writings have exposed in me. Awake with thoughts and ideas and frustrations and hopes and hurts and self-loathing as well as an anguish for the person I should have been and hope for the person that I could be, with my mind spinning with the regrets of lost opportunities, and feelings of worthlessness, unworthiness, uselessness and, yes, even the anger of the past & present and hopes for what could be in the future. Maybe.

You can say that people over-eat, or drink or take drugs or gamble or compulsively spend or whatever because of unhappiness or bad childhoods or abuse, but I think the reasons are far more complicated and myriad than those stale explanations. Unhappiness is just a trite and easy answer, a label or category that people want to slap on to explain something they really don’t understand. This chronicle is not all happy endings and pat answers and resolutions but a window into the deep and complex feelings of a person who went through the lows & highs of trying to conquer her demons.

Driving Me CRAZY!

My ears are ringing and it won't stop and I'm about to go. Stark. Raving. MAD! GAH!

I'm just saying ...

'Tis the time of year

for trying to fend off opportunistic viruses. Ugh. I've been feeling something coming on all week, I don't really feel horrible, but I've had this sore throat, general achiness, head achy and with an overwhelming fatigue and just this sense of a bug trying to take hold. I worked from home yesterday with the hope that I could head it off, but no such luck. I just hate this feeling, it's so hard to keep a clear head and concentrate on anything when all I want to do is just lay down for a while. And I suspect I'm not the only one around the office who feels this way. I've been hearing a lot of hacking and sneezing coming from neighboring cubicles.

Déjà vu

Wow. I heard a car alarm today in a parking lot for about three seconds and I suddenly realized that I hadn't heard one in a very long time. I very quickly had a flashback to living in NYC and being held hostage by that kind of noise pretty much on a constant basis. It's amazing how much lower my levels of stress and anxiety are these days. The funny thing is, I don't even think I realized how stressed and anxious I was all the time back then. But the constrast to how I feel now is astounding. And it's not just the way I feel either. The last time I had my blood pressure checked, it was on the low-end of normal. Back in NYC it was approaching "high". It's amazing what stress can do to you.

Sunday Night Dread

Used to be, with my job at Old Company, the dread for the coming Monday morning would always start setting in sometime around late afternoon on Sunday and just continue to grow throughout the night. Of course, Monday was never as bad as anticipated, but I think it was just this general dissatisfaction with my job that colored this feeling. I didn’t hate my job, not really, in fact I quite often rather liked it. But there came a time when things in my old group became political, there were some morale issues and along with some micro-managing that all coalesced to create a strong feeling for me of unease for any coming work week.

Well, it’s been so long since I’ve felt the Sunday Night Dreads that I was rather taken unaware by that old feeling today. But feel it I did, but for a different reason this time. It is nothing to do with my job in particular, but with the fact that I have to drive to Boston tomorrow morning for a two-day class. I’ve become so spoiled by my 12-minute commute here that the thought of a significant commute fills me with an almost horror. I occasionally have to drive down to Boston for a meeting or something, but I can generally avoid the major traffic hours on those occasions, so it’s usually not a big deal. But this is going to be a major pain in the ASS. I’m just saying (and venting).

Anyway, I sure am happy that the Sunday Night Dreads are history for me. For the most part.

On a note related to the subject of Old Company: I received a SPAM email from a former colleague the other day. I was a little shocked. It said something like, “Good News from < insert former colleague’s name > “ and then the body of the email went on to describe some great pre-paid legal BS that I could buy. I opened the email excited to hear some news from my former colleague, who left the company last Summer to (supposedly) get involved in real estate, only to be SPAMED. I was a little shocked, to say the least. I wonder if that real estate isn’t working out after all.