To Celebrate Good News, Apparently I want to CrossFit: CrossFit 07/14/2014

I haven't blogged about my job much recently, but I had a role change last year, along with a new team and a new manager. I am now officially a Project Manager (a job that I have been actually doing for many years, it's now just formal). Today I had my first real review related to my new role, team and with the new manager, so I had no idea what to expect. Well, I am happy to say that all the feedback was extremely positive. It was actually almost a little bit embarrassing because it was so glowing (but, hey! I'll take the compliments, pour them on, please!) It was such a relief! I have so many self-doubts and because everything is so new, I just had myself convinced that I wasn't living up to expectations. Now I can rest a little easy (just a little). So happy to have some good feedback!

Well, I had my review late in the day and felt a bit emotionally wiped out afterwards. In the past this kind of good news would have had me wanting to crack open a bottle of wine or something, but tonight, all I wanted to do was go to CrossFit. Who am I???

Posted workout for Monday, July 14th:

Warm-Up:

1. Coach Choice (Coach Troy chose: Run)

What I did: Most of the class ran 600 meters. Because of my sore achilles and also because I wasn't able to get a head start, I ran 400 meters (but no walking). 

2. Reps of 10-8-6

Thrusters (pvc pipe or dowel)
Kips
Push-Ups

What I did: Thrusters, Push-Ups from the knees. Instead of Kips, which I can't do, I did reps of hanging from the pull-up bar. Sounds easy? It's not! I could barely do them!

Performance / WOD:

A. Instead of the usual strength session, we warmed up for the Thrusters and Pull-Ups we were going to need for the WOD.

B. "Devolution"
3 x AMRAP 5:00, rest 2:00 between rounds (Translation: 3 rounds, as many reps as possible, 5 minutes each round. 2 minute rest between each round).

Round 1: AMRAP 5:00 @ 80% (sustainable pace)
9 Thrusters (75lbs men/55lbs women)
9 Pull-Ups

R2: AMRAP 5:00 @ 90% (heart beating fast, breathing heavy, but not max effort)
7 Thrusters (95lbs men/65lbs women)
7 Chest-to-Bar Pull-ups

R3: AMRAP 5:00 @100% (max effort)
5 Thrusters (115lbs men/75lbs women)
5 Strict Pull-Ups

What I did: Okay, this is yet another WOD that I totally misread! For some reason I thought we were only supposed to do 3 reps in 5 minutes, not as many reps as possible. I am such a dolt! In all the rounds I had about a minute, minute and a half left on the clock, so I could definitely have done more reps. What is wrong with me???

Anyway, I ended up doing Round 1: 9 Thrusters with 25lbs and 9 Ring Rows, x3. Round 2: 7 Thrusters with 35lbs and 7 Ring Rows x3. Round 3: 5 Thrusters with 45lbs (REALLY struggled with those) and 5 Ring Rows x3. I am kicking myself that I screwed up! Not only am I the only one not doing some kind of pull-up, but I didn't even get what I did do right. Gah. 

Some Additional Notes:

• When we were setting up for the WOD, I asked Coach Troy for a scaling option for the Pull-Ups. He said, "oh, no problem, we'll set you up with a band." When I told him that I couldn't even do them with a band he looked a surprised and said, "not even the black one???" Nope, I'm a loser! Okay, so my sad goal is to be able to do a couple of banded pull-ups. 
• There were a lot of people in the class tonight, so we did the WOD in two waves. I volunteered for the second wave as some people needed to be able to leave on-time. It was so hot & humid tonight, and I was sweating heavily just by being there, and especially after the warm-up. So wave one finished up and one woman from the wave came over and high-fived me and said "good job!" She thought I must surely have just been through the WOD by how much I was sweating. Nope. This is me just watching. I am a sweat beast. 

Owning a Horse: The Antidote to a Bad Day

I was in a terrible, pissy mood yesterday. Just various irritations and problems at work all loaded on my head that added up to a foul, black temperament by the end of the day. I had a dressage lesson scheduled last night and, up until about 5:30, I wasn't even sure if I was going to be able to get out from under work stuff to be able to go, but I managed to get everything done in time and headed out.




It was hot and sticky with the threat of storms pretty much all day. I wasn't sure how much energy we'd be able to muster. I also had to strap my BlackBerry to my leg in case something came up with work, so I really wasn't starting off the ride on the best possible terms. Still, any day where I manage to ride is a good one, so already Tuesday was improving. After a warm-up on a loose rein, Ruby and I got to work and right away I felt that her stride was energetic and that there was a good swing to her back. I didn't need to do much warm-up or suppling to encourage this, it seemed to happen pretty freely. This was a great sign that we we were going to get some very good work done. Trainer had us do some significant lateral work at the trot in which Ruby was very responsive. We moved on to lateral work combined with transitions during which Ruby was very focused and engaged with the effort. Trainer took advantage of Ruby's willingness and by the fact that I seemed to have garnered enough energy to hold it all together (believe me, sometimes that strength is fleeting) and had us work very hard, first on leg-yielding across the ring at the canter combined with working-medium-working canter transitions, and then on riding a broken line at the canter. Now, this sounds simple enough, but Trainer stressed that this is our first exercise towards developing a counter canter. The broken line took a lot of concentration and focus from Ruby and a lot of concentration, focus and core engagement from me to hold it together, keep the correct bend, keep the quality of the canter, the roundness, the engagement from behind, and the connection through the bridle. It was a lot of moving parts all at once and just knowing what every muscle in my body was doing, while knowing what every muscle in Ruby's body was doing all at the same time was far more than enough to make my crappy work day float completely away. Our efforts to the left were quite nice and I feel that we did the exercise correctly. To the right? Well, that still needs work. Still, I am extremely encouraged when I think of where we were a few months ago when I could not get even a few strides of acceptable canter to save my life. Now we are working on fairly advanced work (advanced for Ruby, and, well, for me).



Just the fact that Trainer felt that we were ready for this and that we were able to pull off some very good moments left me very happy and almost glowing by the time the ride was done. Oh yeah and I was as limp as a rag by the time it was all done too.



My bad, stressful, irritating day at the office? A distant memory. There is plenty to be said for the peaceful hack on horseback and how it "soothes the soul" or some cliched sentiment, but I have to say that a very good, intensely focused session of work with a horse has an incredible amount of merit in my book too.

Another Catch-Up

I have not written in a very long time and for months have thought about abandoning this blog. However, I do miss writing longer posts about the happenings in my life and the brief status updates on Facebook are just not as satisfying to me. So, I am going to attempt to reclaim this space, if only for my own chronicle, irrespective of whether anyone out there is reading.


A big part of why I have not kept up with the blog is that the past year or so has been pretty crazy and overwhelming at work. A number of team members left or went on to other roles which meant that, for nine-ten months or so, another team member and I had to rotate on-call duties every other week. It was shear Hell for me and a lot of things fell out of my life last Summer as a result. Additionally, there have been a number of consuming projects at work that have also sucked up a lot of time and energy over the past year, all contributing to a lack of time and a change of focus. With all that said, however, my efforts over the past year have been noticed and rewarded (very, very good reviews, resulting raise, etc.) and I feel that I have also grown quite a bit in my professional expertise. As painful as the past year has been at work, I think it has also put me in a good place professionally. In other words, the end result was worth the pain.


Things have now quieted down some. Although, there is still plenty going on at work to cause me ongoing anxiety and worry, I think I just have to resign myself to the fact that this will most likely always be the case. I am a worrier. I also have major issues with confidence and self-esteem, so this is just something I have to fight on a daily basis. But work is not quite as “frantic” at the moment, which has given me more wiggle room to once again try to achieve balance in my life.


This winter (2012) was the first winter since I got Ruby that I did not send her south to SC. This was something that I really went back-and-forth on, but I finally decided that I wanted to re-establish my riding focus during the season (especially coming off of a long stretch of time where work interfered with my ability to get out and ride consistently) and I also felt that Ruby didn’t need to go down for more training. It was more important to get my momentum back, as well as to continue to build the bond and relationship between us. During the winter I was able to take a private lesson once a month with a FEI Dressage coach. I also attended two barn lessons each week, in addition to the schooling I did on my own. I probably averaged riding four times a week (sometimes five). It was not an intense schedule, but good enough to keep us both going. We had our struggles though. I really struggled with my own riding competence (basically, I went through a couple of months of sheer incompetence) and Ruby struggled through some very unbalanced flat work. It was almost as if we both were back at square one. I think a big part of this was due to a real slacking off on my part over the months leading up to the winter with my work schedule. There were large gaps in the work I did with Ruby over the second half of 2011. During that time, due to my crazy work schedule, the few times I did get out to ride I kept to mostly fun or casual rides. Very little actual schooling work was involved. The lack of real focused work really showed up as we entered the winter season and tried to get back to into the swing of regular riding.


Usually the first thing that falls apart with Ruby when not in regular work is the right lead canter, followed by the canter over all. Then we lose overall impulsion. There might be moments of round relaxed trotting, but most of the session would be fraught with long periods of tension and resistance. Add to this frustration and general incompetent flailing on my part and, well, we’re pretty much a mess. Ruby’s canter became somewhat hollow and we could not get in more than a couple of strides of right lead canter before she would switch behind to cross-canter. I also seemed to lose all confidence in myself to get around a jump course adequately. Any jump session was met with terrible nerves and hyperventilating.


It was not all bad. I got quite a lot out of each session with the Dressage coach. I would see significant improvement by the end of each ride and I had many takeaways from my time with her that stick in my mind even now. Ann, the assistance trainer who had me for Thursday night lessons, probably saw the worst of me during the winter. But I did have a major breakthrough with her one night too, and she may not even realize it. She talked me through establishing real contact with Ruby one night. Something that I think I probably used to do correctly (at least some of the time), but with all my slacking off had lost along the way. I think I had forgotten the real feel of it and needed to have it hammered back into my head. That one session, by the end of our lesson, I once again felt the connection through real contact and it was like a light bulb went on in my head. It did take me a while to be able to establish and keep it on my own again when riding after the lesson. First ride I was able to get it for a while, and then it faded on subsequent rides for a while. But that’s okay, now that I had the feel and knew what I was striving for, it was something I was able to once again work towards, even if I was only able to get it at first for a few strides here and there.


Mike, the Wednesday night trainer, also was able to help me quite a bit in some jumping exercises. One session in particular he had me for a private and we worked on jumping two jumps on a 20 meter circle, just establishing the rhythm and a good canter and pace to each jump. It was a simple exercise, but it calmed me down, steadied me, steadied Ruby and got me to think about jumping as more of an extension of flatwork, rather than something to just get done (and over with). I still think this is an exercise that I should be doing regularly on my own. If I could convince myself to jump more, that is.


In March I decided to take Ruby’s canter completely back to basics. I decided that for the canter, all we were going to work on were transitions and nothing else. This is what I did when I first got her and could not reliably get her to canter at all. During that time, I worked on transitions for my own purposes, to take the anxiety out of the movement to the point where I knew I would get a canter, ANY canter. Well, the transition was still established. In even our worst work over the winter, I could still always get a canter. The canter I would get just usually wasn’t one I wanted to keep. So that’s where we started. On a 20 meter circle, ask for canter, canter a couple of strides, downward transition, trot for a couple of strides, canter again. Rinse, repeat. Trot-canter-trot-canter, etc. And then walk-canter-walk-canter, etc. For the month of March and into April, I don’t believe I asked Ruby to canter more than a couple of strides in her flatwork at all.


She started getting stronger and able to hold her canter correctly to the right for longer periods of time. Her left lead canter started getting lovely and round. To the right she stopped swapping behind, the head-tossing lessened and we were able to string together more and more round, organized strides. I added in full circles of cantering and then spiraling in and out at the canter as things improved. Her transitions also became much sharper and cleaner, she would just jump right off of my leg, by the time this exercise was fully established.


About a month and a half ago or so, I noticed that our contact had greatly improved. The periods of tension had lessened, Ruby was more consistently even in the contact and reaching for the contact in all gaits. She seemed overall much more forward, fluid, rhythmic and relaxed. Offering more consistent forward impulsion at the trot meant that I could stop working so hard trying to establish the momentum and that I could now work more on elasticity and adjustment of stride and pace through my seat. Her canter was getting so nice that I started cycling halt-canter transitions into our regular work. I also came up with a warm-up script: after about 6-8 minutes of trot & canter on a loose rein, a few minutes of lateral work at the walk, then we do transitions. Walk-halt-walk-halt, etc. (with some side-pass and turns on the forehands thrown in at some of the halts). Then trot-walk-trot-halts, etc. (mixing it up so it’s not always the same pattern). And then trot-(almost)walk-trot (so, kind of a ¾ halt). And then we’ll move on to some walk-canter and halt-canter transitions. Once we get through all of this, Ruby is usually consistently and delightfully on the aids, even in the contact, round, willingly forward and very sharp with her transitions.


I am at this stage riding pretty consistently six days a week (sometimes we will go seven straight days and then take a day off). We’re now working on transitions within the gait. Her working-to-medium-to-working canter is coming along very, very nicely. I don’t seem to be able to establish as much adjustability in the trot work, surprisingly. However, we HAVE had some beautiful trot lengthenings on the trail, I just can’t seem to get the same quality in the ring. Anyway, it’s a work in progress and very satisfying work it is. I feel that we are finally at a pretty good place in our flatwork where I now have something to work with. We have our good days and our bad days, but I feel that the progress is so considerable that I am very, very happy with the work and encouraged overall. In addition to the flatwork, we have jumping days and hacking/gallop days, so Ruby’s program is pretty well-rounded right now.


My biggest stumbling block with the jumping side of my discipline is my own mind. I seem to go through cycles of bravery and fear and right now I am in a fear pattern. I believe it most directly relates to how much I have been jumping or, more accurately, NOT jumping within any period of time. Since I haven’t been jumping a ton, I am right now more fearful than I was about a year or so ago. The solution is to jump more. I know this, but I have to be coerced! I had a private stadium jumping lesson last week and it went very well. Ruby jumped beautifully, we were jumping almost up to our previous heights, we did full courses, including a two-stride and a triple bar, my position was great, I rode well and I actually thought about each part of the course as I came to it, rather than just trying to hurry through and get it over with. I need to now take that away and jump more often so I don’t become such a freak every time I have to jump in a lesson. Which means that I have to force myself to jump more on my own. Which means that I have to get over myself!


An additional note on jumping: As a side benefit to all the flat work we’ve been doing, Ruby’s course work has also improved. Jumping has always been her strong suit, however she also likes to motorcycle around a bit and blow off the rider’s aids in the corners and around turns. Last week in our jump courses, she was much more responsive on the turns, more willing to listen and bend into the corners and much more round, nicer canter overall.


About competing. Well, I decided to put that on hold for now. Last year I successfully moved up to the Novice division (for non-horse people, if you’re still reading, in the Eventing discipline, this is approximately 3-foot jumps). I eeked it out on very little riding in the month leading up to the event in July. Afterwards I was riding so little that competition was not something I would even consider. This year I have certainly been riding enough to participate in any competition, but my desire has not been there. I think that work has just been so busy and so stressful, and after putting in about fifty hours per week, I just dread the thought of adding the stress and unbelievably long, exhausting days of a competition into the mix. I need my down time on the weekends. Ruby DID, however, go to The Groton House Horse Trials with my trainer’s working student about four weeks ago. They finished on third on their dressage score of 28.5! Proof enough to me that all of our flat work really has paid off.


So the past year and a half has had many ups & downs for both my work life and my riding life. I feel like I have made a lot of progress though, and am happy for where I am. With the riding, I have been enjoying my horse even more than ever and really do feel like the journey is so incredibly satisfying. Just seeing the progress in dribs & drabs and then looking back to see where we were only a few months ago is exhilarating to me.

The Communicator

I find it hilarious how every time I have any kind of evaluation at work, it is emphasized how fantastic I am at communication. No one seems to notice that I'm a complete introvert and extremely socially awkward. I guess I either, A) know how to make up for it, or, B) how to fake it. Either way it takes effort and is exhausting!

Worry, Worry, Worry

I've been feeling a little, I don't know ... lost over the past week or two. I think most of it is stemming from worry. Mostly worry about work. I am worried about continuing to have a job. I worry about the stuff I'm working on, I worry about the stuff I may end up working on. I worry about what I don't know, or whether I am learning enough, or quick enough. I worry about the stuff I haven't learned yet or the stuff I can maybe learn, but perhaps need assistance with at first (and how to ask, or who to ask). I worry about the stuff other people are given to do. I worry about being out of the loop. I worry about being so much in the loop that I can't devote enough time or attention to any, one thing. I worry about what team members think about me, I worry about what customers think about me. Worry, worry, worry, worry. I worry so much and so constantly that my heart literally pounds and my breath comes so fast that I actually pant. I'm basically a bit of a wreck right now. It's a shame because I had such a nice period where I actually felt comfortable and content at work. I guess my anxiety took a bit of a holiday, but it's back in full-swing now.

(I hate to admit it, but I even worry that I haven't written a blog post in a while, or what I'm going to write about, or how to write it, or whatever. I am such a freak!)

I think this is partially the result of the current climate (both economically and the changes that have been going on at my company) and partially it is just my nature and my continued feelings of insecurity and my lack of self-esteem. I do know that if I could push myself to exercise more, that would help balance my emotions. If I could sleep a little better, that would help too. I have always craved for a feeling of financial/employment security and I have never, ever really felt it, no matter what job I had at the time. I'm not sure if this is just my general emotional make-up or if it's also a little bit of mild PTSS from a period of time growing up when my father was unemployed. Perhaps the feelings of worry from my parents during that time of my life leaked into my psyche and made more of a lasting impression than I realized. Whatever the cause, I need to think of healthy ways to deal with this continued anxiety.

I miss my horse very much, and I know that when I'm riding, I truly do not think about anything else at all. However, it's also hard to motivate myself to ride during the Winter and she is also doing so wonderfully down in Aiken (she got THIRD in her division at the Sporting Days HT on Sunday!) that I don't at all regret sending her down there. She is going to come back a much better horse than she left, I know that. I am also looking forward to having her for my week in Aiken at the end of March. That will hopefully be an entire week where I won't think or worry about work (or not much anyway).

Taking Tig to his new obedience class is helping a bit too. He and I are both enjoying the class and I make sure that I spend at least a little bit of time each day on our "homework". It's great to have some productive time that has absolutely nothing to do with work, and that also has nothing to do with my weight or my fitness level, another source of worry & anxiety, let me tell you.

When I exercise I actually think about work quite a bit. But I think about it with more perspective, or more reasonable perspective anyway. I have found that it really can help me balance my emotions and my worries. I can puzzle out problems and I feel better about the things that I can't control. So, I think that has to be my goal going forward. Do something (anything!) for exercise everyday. Even if it's just taking a dog for a 15 minute walk. SHEESH. What a mess I am.

Goals for 2010 (non-riding)

My goals for 2010 are going to mostly be about behavior. I find that it's useless to make promises to myself like, "lose 30 lbs" or, "get a promotion or a raise (or whatever) at work", it's much more concrete and attainable to make goals around the specific behaviors or tasks that I can make a choice to do, or not do, on any given day that fulfill the goal and inch me closer towards the person that I want to be, towards the life that I see for myself. I believe my goals for last year were made with this idea more or less in mind, but I think that I am a little bit more mindful of that now.

Work

I feel that I am already on the path that I want to be on for this year at work. There were some changes to our group over the past six months or so that have opened up some additional opportunities for me to learn new stuff, take on new work, increase my value to the team, as well as expand my exposure to the enterprise. This, along with some new projects on the horizon are giving me the opportunity to learn some valuable new skills that are much needed in our group, so I am starting 2010 actually pretty excited for the work year ahead.

The work goals that I want to work on, in addition to the above, center on my management of fear. I'm not sure how much control I may have over stress and anxiety, but I can address the fear that sometimes holds me back at work. Fear of failure, fear of not knowing something, fear of looking like an idiot, fear of admitting that I'm unsure. You name it, these things crop up consistently for me and to the detriment of my forward progress sometimes. I can't tell you how many times I've been in a meeting when some issue comes up and, if I have an idea, but am not 100% sure it's the right answer, I keep my mouth shut, only to have someone else pipe up with the same, or a similar, thing. I sometimes start off new projects terrified that I'll screw up. Learning something new, convinced that I'm going to fail -- so I am sometimes afraid to take that chance. So, my goal for this year is to get over it. When new opportunities come up, take them on. When I am shown something new, take a chance at trying it on my own the next time (with the usual caution of backing up what can be backed up, etc.) Don't be afraid to voice an opinion. And (perhaps most importantly of all) don't let the attitude, condescension or bad vibes of anyone else taint my self-confidence or self-esteem.

Home

This is a new category for this year. About a month or so ago, I got this bug about cleaning and organizing and throwing crap away. It feels good. And it also feels really good to be living in surroundings that are a bit more serene. So, my goal is to keep throwing the excess away, keep up the dusting and vacuuming. Keep on top of what's stuffed into the refrigerator. Keep the fireplace clean. Shred everything that needs to be shredded on a weekly basis, at least. Get rid of the catalogs, cut down or eliminate magazine subscriptions. Go through clothes that haven't been worn in a year. More storage bins for the books and other stuff that I don't want to throw out, at least get it organized in the basement. Finish hanging the rest of pictures lying around the house (I actually just hung a few last week).

Other very specific home stuff:

* Get the garbage disposal / dishwasher fixed.
* Get the screening on the screen porch fixed or replaced (probably not until Spring or so).
* Get the deck stained. I think there is a loose board there too that needs to be fixed.
* Hang a new curtain rod in my bedroom (the one that's in there is hanging by a thread).
* This old electrical outlet thing that (I think) used to be part of some alarm system (previous owner) needs to be made inactive or closed or whatever. Anyway, need an electrician to take a look.
* Have light bulbs replaced in the garage opener and the overhead garage light (sounds silly, I know, but I can't reach either, even with the step stool!)

Finances

Oh, I really don't know. In 2009 I feel like I really didn't buy nearly as much random stuff in general that I have in previous years. I definitely did not buy many clothes or make trips to Target regularly, I haven't been to a mall in YEARS. Can't remember the last time I ordered anything from Crate & Barrel or William Sonoma or Pottery Barn. But I did buy a horse last year and so have also been spending money on all the stuff that comes along with horse ownership. So I can't say that this newfound restraint has saved me anything. It's just flowing out the other side. At least I recognize that I have to make adjustments if I am to pay for the things I want and need for the horse, so I guess there is something positive in that. I guess I just need to continue to make better and better decisions about how I spend my money. Think about something before I buy it. Cook more (I am doing this already). Review the cost of stuff in the grocery store. That kind of thing.

Social

I've decided that I don't have any social goals. I am an introvert. Sometimes I don't want to go to a party or socialize, that's just the way I am. I am no longer going to force myself to do something that I don't want to do. If I want to stay home, why shouldn't I?

Health, Fitness & Weight

Well, first of all, I can't obsess about weight, as terrible as the situation may seem. Worrying about the scale and obsessing about my weight and berating myself for it does nothing for me but cause sick heartache, stress and, most of all, extreme self-loathing. Again, the goals are about behavior, about the things that I have a choice to do, or not do, on a daily basis. The hope is that the consistent good choices may have some effect on the weight and fitness. So here is what I'm thinking:

* 3 days a week of some non-riding kind of exercise. I am thinking mostly of walking (with the hope to get to some amount of running eventually), spinning classes, yoga and maybe some other cardio-machine stuff. (I joined the "Y" this week!)
* Yogurt or oatmeal for breakfast. Allowed to have one "treat" breakfast a week (like egg with turkey bacon, for example).
* Take-out allowed once every three months.
* A 12-16 oz water with lunch everyday (I have a terrible Diet Coke habit). Eventually restrict DC to weekends only.
* Cook dinner at home (or heat up leftovers, or at the least, have yogurt) six nights a week -- some kind of frozen or prepared meal is allowed one night a week. I've actually been increasing my cooking over the past couple of months so I'm almost already there. This also helps greatly in the finance sector.
* Get someone in to look at the treadmill. The belt seems to be slipping (maybe belongs under the "Home" category).

Talk to my doctor or someone about my increasing levels of anxiety and stress. Maybe I can get some therapy or something. I was even thinking about looking into hypnosis -- could help with both the anxiety and weight-loss.

Follow-up about some of the medical stuff that I've put off, like a mammogram and a mole/skin check.

Well, that's what I've come up with. I do have some additional riding-specific goals that I want to write about in a separate post. I have to continue to think about how the choices I make each day bring me closer to who I want to be, or whether they move me farther away. If I can be conscious and mindful of these small, daily things, then I should be in a good place by the end of 2010. We'll see.

2009 in Review (non-riding)

I feel like both 2008 and 2009 were pretty good years for me. However, I set some goals for 2009 and fell short of many, if not most of them.

Riding

As I stated in a previous post, I reached all of my riding goals. In fact, I actually surpassed them, so I ended 2009 extremely happy and satisfied in that regard.

Finances

I had a goal to save more money. Nope, didn’t happen.

Social

My goal in 2009 was to be more social and I can’t say that this really happened either. I did go to a couple of parties and social events. The Adult Camp in Aiken trip in March was pretty social. But in general, I was not very social at all.

Health, Fitness & Weight

Probably my biggest failure in 2009. These are the goals that I set last January:

• Re-commit to Jenny Craig. Be more careful with lunch (I don’t eat JC for lunch). Continue to use JC meals for breakfast & dinner.

I did start off the year very committed. I went back on JC for most meals and was very good about sticking to it. I kept it up for about two months with no results whatsoever. It was so frustrating because JC had worked so effectively at the start of my weight-loss effort. I guess I just had reached a point where I needed something else, I just didn’t know and don't know what that something else is. After two months of miserable failure and frustration, I gave up. At that point I had been on a Jenny Craig meal plan for almost a year and had had enough. I’m still a fan of the program, I just couldn’t do it anymore.


• Get back on the scale (both at home and at JC).

I did this in January & February while I was religiously following JC. I did stop once I stopped going to JC however.


• Start eating fruit mid-morning at work again.

Nope. Well, I can’t remember, I probably did start off the year doing this. I did not carry it through the year, however.


• Alcohol for social occasions only.

Actually, I was pretty good in the alcohol area. I can’t say that I only had a drink during social occasions and at no other time, but I have cut down on my alcohol consumption considerably over the past few years to the point where I now many times will go weeks without a drink. If I do have something it is usually only on a Friday or a Saturday night (and rarely both). I have also found that I get headaches pretty quickly once I start drinking alcohol (that never used to happen) – it’s almost like my head is reminding me with a small hint, what a hangover feels like, so don’t go there. Anyway, alcohol has not been a problem and so I also don’t feel like I can blame any of my weight issues on that.


• Continue 2x/week personal training sessions.

I did continue these through March or April, but stopped for a few reasons. First (and probably the biggest, at least most immediate, reason), is that it is very expensive (even with the company discount) and once I bought a horse, a lot of extras had to be cut. Work heated up and became very busy where I had trouble fitting it into my schedule, in addition to carving out time to ride everyday. Lastly, I really did not like the bulkier muscles that I felt that I was building. I really liked the training sessions for the motivation, the focus and to keep me on track. But I feel that I have the kind of body that builds muscle too easily. Fine, if you’re a guy, but as a woman (particularly a short woman) it is not doing me any real favors. I think that maybe my body would benefit more from the pilates/yoga-type of resistance work.


• Pick up the running again – run a minimum of 3x a week through March.

I was actually pretty good about running. Until sometime in March. I unfortunately had a fall from a horse while I was at Adult Camp and, while I wasn’t really injured, my hip and shoulder on one side was very sore for a very long time (well over a month). It was too uncomfortable to run and so I fell out of the habit. What I didn’t do that I should have was walk during this time, walking did not jar my sore areas. But I guess I probably used this as an excuse to fall off the wagon.

I seem to have this love/hate relationship with running. I am not a natural runner, so it takes quite a lot to get myself into any kind of running shape. There is a lot of ground work that has to go into getting myself to the point where I can run for more than a 30 second-1 minute interval at a time and my ability to run falls away very quickly if I am not being consistent. So, when I do fall off the running wagon, the thought of what it’s going to take to get me back there is very often just completely overwhelming. It also takes me a very long time to reach a point where I enjoy the running. So a long step-up period during which I am mostly miserable is just a hard mental hurdle for me to get over when I’m not in running mode and am trying to psych myself up for it. On the flip-side, however, I always feel pretty good after I’ve had a run and when I can get into the swing of it (and I’ve done that ground work to get me into that place where running comes a bit easier) I feel pretty fantastic.


• Plan to bump up mileage and/or the number of running sessions per week after March (hopefully the snow will start to be on the wane by then and I’ll be able to use some trails).

Yeah, not. The opposite happened. I stopped running all-together.


• Weather, snow & salt permitting, walk dogs on significant walk (or run) – minimum 2 miles, 2-3x per week.

Nope. Poor dogs.


• Look into a “Y” membership, or re-up with the Spinning studio.

Nope.


• Ride 4x a week (includes 2 training sessions/lessons per week).

This I pretty much did, at least through the competition season.


Work


Work was actually pretty good for me in 2009. I think that I took on a lot more over the year, increased my responsibilities as well as my knowledge-base. I was exposed to more customer and partner groups, expanded my relationships with team members and other peers and widened the scope of my professional expertise overall. My year-end review was probably one of the best that I've received, so I ended the year feeling quite positive about my professional life.

What I didn't do very well this year (in particular with regards to work) was manage stress and fear. It was a very uneasy year in the world and my company went through upheavals as many other companies did. I found that I can very easily be sent into panic mode and that it also doesn't take much at all for me to doubt myself, feel a loss of confidence or feel threatened -- I'm not an idiot, I realize that it mostly comes down to self-esteem & insecurity issues. When these "panic times" cropped up I could pretty much always recognize that I was not dealing with them well, I could intellectualize the logic of the situation, but the emotions and the chemistry of the situation almost always took over.

So, some of my 2009 goals were successful, but I continue to disappoint myself with my lack of commitment to health, diet and exercise. That is one area of my life where I have continued and sustained failure. I can get into a mode where I do exercise consistently, where I eat generally healthy and more or less correct portions, yet I can not seem to keep it up long-term. I also think that periods of stress and fear, as well as loneliness, greatly exasperate my issues with food and interfere with my willingness to stick to exercise commitments. Because 2009 was a pretty stressful year for me (even though it was a good year, in aggregate), my diet and exercise habits were affected in direct proportion.

With all the above said, however, I ended 2009 pretty satisfied overall and pleased with the year I had.

Crazy, Busy Work and SIMHG Drama

So, work has been extremely busy. I have to say though, for the most part, it’s been a “good” busy. More and more I am enjoying the interaction with my team and a lot of the new stuff that I’m learning. A couple of months ago we went through a big reorganization where a couple of parallel groups merged with ours. One group in particular my team has always worked very closely with and it made quite a lot of sense to me that we eventually should be part of the same team. I feel that the change has already been beneficial, we’re all working together better than ever before and the communication has improved greatly.

Once the merge happened, I stepped forward to my manager (who is also now the manager of the newly merged group) and volunteered to help out with some of our new operations responsibilities. Most likely I would have been asked to do this anyway, but at least I maybe get credit for also volunteering! (I was eager to do so though) In any case, I’ve been very excited and enthusiastic about all the new stuff that I now have the opportunity to learn and take on. It’s adding quite a load to my workload, but this is all very interesting work and is overall increasing my value to the team and to the company.

One of the down sides, however, is that I now have to be on-call for a weeks time, every four or five weeks. The on-call shift is from 8 AM to 8 PM and I have to be able to respond and deal with situations within a very short period of time. The worst part of this is the 5 PM - 8 PM part of it, the weeks that I’m on-call means that I will be unable to plan or really do anything much outside of work because of the requirement that I be available until 8 PM. That is a bummer.

I did my first on-call rotation a few weeks ago and it was completely harrowing. Most of the days I was paged throughout the day, all the way up to 8 PM. Because this is all so new to me (and because I am also not yet UNIX literate) it was extremely nerve wracking because in most cases I had absolutely no idea what to do. I expect it all to get much easier as I learn and become competent with this stuff, but in the meantime, it’s really an anxiety-producing situation. The operations guys who are new to our team (but who has been doing this alone up until now) have been absolutely fantastic about training and helping throughout this process. I would be lost without them. As an added note, these two guys have been alternating their on-call weeks for at least the past year (if not more). So each has been on-call every other week -- that means that these guys have not been able to have a life for two weeks out of each month! Anyway, they’ve been available and helpful and uncomplaining about it all. Well, I guess it’s in their best interest to make sure that everyone is up to speed, so that they can have some of their lives back.

Along with myself, we have a new technician who joined our staff a few months ago through a program our company has in Ireland. The idea is to hire promising people over there straight out of college and then put them in a kind of bootcamp for a year. They are then offered up as candidates for hire at various business units throughout the company. I have been working with NG (New Guy) to teach him some of the stuff that I do and am mentoring him on a project with one of our customers and he’s also learning the operations stuff, so we have both been spending a lot of time sitting in the cubicles of the operations guys.

Anyway, so NG has had his first week of on-call rotation, I have had mine, the two operations guys have had at least one rotation each over the past couple of months and supposedly SIMHG (Self-Important Meeting Hijack Guy) is also supposed to take a turn. I think this is SIMHG’s first week of on-call, but since he is generally so absent from the rest of the team (I mean, I don’t believe that I saw him AT ALL for the entire month of November and for part of the month of October), I’m never quite sure.

Okay, so here is my rant (you KNEW that there was a rant):

I was scheduled to be on-call for next week (yes, that’s right, Christmas week). NG was supposed to be on-call for the week after. However, NG already had had plans to go back to Ireland for the holidays before the whole on-call thing started, so we have to rearrange things and cover his week. So, one of the operations guys was going to take his week, but then asked me if I would switch weeks with him because he is expecting a house guest and wanted to be able to spend time with him. So, no problem, we confirmed and sorted everything out today and then updated my manager so that he knew the on-call schedule was changing and that everything was going to be covered. I then spoke to mgr about my plan to use my remaining two vacation days for the year. I was waiting to schedule them because I wanted to have the on-call plans sorted out first, because I obviously can’t schedule the time off if I have to be on-call. So since OP (Operations Guy) wanted to switch, I am NOT on-call next week, but will be the week after -- I scheduled for those two days off for next week. Mgr said “okay, no problem.”

Okay, so once we had everything straightened out and I had cleared my vacation days with my manager, I sent a calendar item to the rest of the team to let them know what days I will be out. Well! I received an email response (just to me) from SIMHG with a piece cut & paste in from the on-call spreadsheet informing me that I need to switch my on-call responsibilities for those days and that he is also planning to be out then (in other words: don’t ask him to cover).

Well, first of all, does he think that I am so stupid or irresponsible that I would not check and account for the on-call schedule? Secondly, where has he been during all of our on-call training and conversations? He is the LAST person I would ask. Lastly, he was off Thanksgiving Week, he is now also off for Christmas Week? If we all have to share operations support, why does he have the privilege of having all the holiday weeks off? The more I think about his email, the madder I get! He is NOT MY MANAGER!

I think that I have to come up for a nastier name for him than, “Self-Important-Meeting Hijack Guy”. Seriously.

Another Rant

I know that I’ve written about the guy in my office who I like to call, “SIMHG” (Self-Important Meeting Hijack Guy). I haven’t mentioned him in a while because, well, I guess I don’t want to sound too bitter – or maybe I just don’t want to encourage my own bitterness (not to mention my paranoia) by fueling the flames with endless rants about him. Plus, that gets a little tedious and repetitive. In general I’m trying to keep more of an open mind. But this morning he just irritated me beyond my capability to hold it all in. It was just a small, stupid, unimportant thing, but it had me steaming a bit and it’s a great example of the small ways he tries to exert his supposed authority and superior knowledge everyday.

Here is what happened:

Through a link in an email, I went to a site where an agenda for a meeting I was attending was posted.

I was denied access.

The default “Request for Access” form came up. I wrote in my justification for this access and hit the “Submit” button.

• Our documentation sites all function in a similar way. Users are given access, if you go to a page and are denied access, a form pops up asking for justification to see the page. Upon submission, the page goes off into cyber space to whomever has been set-up as the administrator for that page. As a user you don’t see where it goes, just that you’ve sent off a request. Typically what will then happen is you’ll get a confirmation email that so-and-so has given you access to the page you’ve requested (not sure what happens if you’re denied, probably a similar email with the information).

The next thing I know, I get an email confirmation from SIMHG that I have been given access to the page, but with a personal note that says, “I’ve given you access, but S or A should be the administrators for this page.” In other words, why in the Hell are you bothering me with this request? You should have contacted these other people.

First of all, I have no control over who the form gets submitted to. Once the button is hit, it goes off to the person who has been set up as responsible for the page, but as the requestor, you don’t see who that person is. Secondly, if it went to him, then he must be the default administrator for the page (despite his assertion in the email that someone else is), and how would I be able to change the direction the request went in, or even know to do so? Lastly, how is it my responsibility to know who the administrators are of a page I don’t even have access to?

Wouldn’t most people have just given the access and then looked into changing the property settings for the page if you felt you were receiving these requests incorrectly? Or if he wanted to be difficult, he could have forwarded the request to the person who he felt should be handling it, but where was it my responsibility to figure all this out? ARGH!

For what it’s worth, this was my reply to his email:

“Thanks. I just responded as prompted by the document-page, so I think the site must think that you're the admin.”

As I said, it was just a simple, stupid, unimportant thing, but I feel like this is a guy who takes every possible opportunity to assert his overbearing arrogance onto everyone around. An occasional misunderstanding is not a big deal, but there are a myriad of little ways that he does this on a daily basis and it gets extremely tiresome after a while. I feel so defensive all the time around this guy! It’s like I have to decode everything he writes or says for all the hidden slights & slaps. Or maybe I’m just crazy. Gah.

In a Funk

Have you ever gone through one of those periods where you feel so crappy about yourself, that you feel like you just can’t do anything right? Where you feel so down about yourself that you’re at your happiest when you’re asleep?

I’m kind of going through one of those periods right now. I’m not sure what has caused it, but I sure would like to see the end of it now. In a way, I think I’ve been a bit self-indulgent about it, I think living alone for a long time can do that to a person. When you don’t have anyone to talk to much, someone to stick up for you and to even tell you when you’re being ridiculous, you tend to have a self-dialog that can spiral in the wrong direction fairly easily. I don’t usually mind being single, but it sure can get lonely sometimes, especially as I have little to no close family either.

When I get like this, I also tend to indulge in somewhat self-destructive behavior, like eating a lot of junk food and not exercising. And (of course) the worse my eating habits become, and the longer it’s been since I exercised, the worse I feel about myself and the more I want to eat inappropriately, etc. So that becomes a vicious circle that is very hard to break out of. I feel low, eat some comfort food, hate myself more, need more comfort food, really hate myself -- I’m self-medicating and the worse part of it is, I (obviously) realize what I’m doing, yet I still can’t seem to stop. Crazy. Vicious. Cycle.

Being around Ruby (and horses in general) and riding makes me extremely happy and very often will help me forget about all of this crap, but I haven’t even been out to the barn since last Wednesday! Part of it is that work has interfered a little bit, partially that I’ve had a bug that I’ve been fighting off and have not felt very well, partially because I was so disgusted with how poorly I was riding last week (causing me to hate myself even more) and a good part of it is just this funk that I am in. It is causing me to be in a serious torpor. I have a competition this weekend and there is no way I’m going to be even remotely prepared for it. I almost feel like I should scratch maybe, except that I’ll then hate myself even more if I do, I’m sure. After one unfortunate ride last week, my trainer told me that I’m really too hard on myself, that learning to ride (really ride) is a frustrating, life-long process and that she feels that I’m doing well and am right where I should be (given where I started) and that there are just some things that aren’t going to happen overnight. I know that I should cut myself some slack in this one regard, I know that I’ve only been back to it for a year after a very long absence and, from a distance, I am even a little bit amazed that I’ve been able to compete as I have. But when I come away from an hour on my horse feeling completely incompetent, it’s hard to have some perspective. I can intellectualize that I’ve come along way, that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but it’s hard to actually feel that way on an emotional level. I start to feel sorry for the horse too, like I’m not doing her justice at all.

I seem to swing back & forth between confidence and feeling like the most inept person on the planet at work too. Sometimes even over the course of one day. Sometimes I feel plugged in, that I am valuable and contributing significantly and the next moment I can feel like I’m completely clueless and a waste of space. I know that I let these negative thoughts take over my brain too much and that I’m also too easily affected negatively by the overconfidence of some of the people in the office around me. It’s almost like the more that I encounter this overconfidence in some, that my confidence lowers in direct proportion. I know that a lot of this is tied to the economic down-turn of the past year too. Things just feel so uncertain and sketchy and that makes me feel paranoid and unstable and (frankly) scared. Still, the work thing has been a factor for good while now, I don’t know why I suddenly feel worse about it. Probably I’m just in a more vulnerable state of mind and so it’s infiltrating my mind more because of that.

Maybe this is all just a matter of chemistry. I know that when I’m riding consistently (5-6 times a week) that I feel better. If I can manage some other exercise on top of that, even better still, although finding the time is rough. The endorphins and whatever other chemicals produced by the activity seems to keep me on a more even keel. Riding and being around horses also fulfills me beyond that on a more emotional level. I don’t quite know what the answer is, but I have to pull myself out of this funk somehow and hopefully make it a more permanent thing. Cycling endlessly through these periods has become rather old.

Wow

Today I quite unexpectedly received a certificate of appreciation from a customer for being a team player and helping them out with certain needs. Included with the award was $50 in AMEX gift certificates! Well, color me completely amazed! How sweet of them.

(of course I was so surprised and stunned that I proceeded to turn into some strange person's cubicle while reading the award, instead of making the turn down the aisle that I was supposed to be aiming for. doh!)

Self-Importance Abounds

At a lunch hosted by a vendor today, I end up sitting near someone who also happens to work for my company, someone I had never met before. We introduce ourselves and say where we work.

Self-Important Company Guy: "I'm in charge of this product!"
Colleague and myself: "Really? What group do you work for?"
(in the meantime our group handles hosting for this product for our company, one would think we would have heard of him, if he was "in charge of it")
SICG: "I work for XYZ (business group)."
Me: "Oh! Do you work with BC?"
(someone from XYZ group who I've worked with previously)
SICG: "BC works FOR me."

Our branch rep sits down at our table and introduces himself to SICG (obviously didn't know who he was either).

Branch Rep: "Which business unit are you with?"
SICG: "XYZ Group"
Branch Rep: "Oh, I know BC from that group, I've spoken with him quite a bit."
SICG: "BC works FOR me."

Alrighty then. We get it. You're extremely important being in charge of the product and managing BC and all.

Do you ever get the feeling that some people have an extremely inflated idea of their own importance? I mean, that's fine and all, but why do they always have to drag everyone else into it? Sheesh.

You Know that You're Having an Aggravating and Frustrating Day When:

You're sitting in your cube already muttering & cursing to yourself and it's not even 10 AM yet.

Sheesh.

Wireless Internet and the Screened Porch

I worked from home today, as I usually do on Fridays and I was very lucky to be able to enjoy this fabulous day by spending part of it out on the screened porch with the work laptop. First time I've used the porch this year -- it was about 72 degrees! It was lovely and such a nice change from the claustrophobic cube. I'm so lucky to have this flexibility.

More about Early Morning Meetings

So, as part of my sleep rant last week, I also ranted about this guy in my office who just loves to schedule these 7 AM meetings. He says that it is to accommodate the people in India, and I’m sure part of that is true, but I suspect that his real motivation is to provide himself another method for self-congratulation. Not to mention a way to clue others into how devoted he is, how hard he works. I know a lot of hard-working people at my office, but for some reason the work-load of this particular person always seems to be called to my attention. That makes me suspicious that he’s perhaps done a very good job of creating this image for himself. But, I’m willing to admit that I’m a suspicious sort, and this guy is not exactly my favorite team member.

Anyway, so last week was the debacle of the last minute canceled 7 AM on Tuesday, which got rescheduled for 7 AM on Thursday. We had the meeting on Thursday and ran out of time, so it was stated then that a follow-up would be scheduled for sometime this week (of course another 7 AM meeting). Well, I didn’t see an invite and was wondering about it. Last night I went to my riding lesson, came home, took care of the dogs, changed, made dinner, ate, etc. Finally about 10 PM I got around to checking mail. Well. There was the meeting invite, sent at 5:34 PM (conveniently about 10 minutes after I had signed off) for 7 AM this morning. Am I the only one who thinks this is F*ed up? Bad enough to schedule a 7 AM, but at least give a little freaking warning!!! Luckily I checked my mail, and I usually do, but sometimes I skip over things if they don’t appear critical, or to concern me immediately or directly, especially when I’m checking things by BlackBerry.

I tried to get to bed as soon as I could, but I just can’t go to bed right after eating dinner, and I need a little down time to unwind too, after a busy day. So I know the lights didn’t go off until midnight. I think I slept pretty well, in general, until 4 AM when I was suddenly awake and worried about going back to sleep so close to the time that I had to get up. So I pretty much laid there until I got up at 5 AM. Finally got up, got ready, took care of the dogs, came to work, getting here at 6 AM. Yes, that’s SIX O’CLOCK AM.

I am so freaking pissed and also a little paranoid. First, there was absolutely no reason for the last minute meeting schedule. He knew last Thursday at the conclusion of the first meeting that a second meeting was going to be necessary. This is not an emergency. Couldn’t he have planned a little better? It shows a real lack of respect for other peoples’ time. As I’ve stated before, 7 AM meetings are really rough on me on the best of days, I really appreciate having a little notice so that I can plan for them accordingly. I realize that sometimes shit happens and something needs to get scheduled suddenly, but that is not the case with this stupid meeting. A part of my paranoid self wonders if this was done on purpose, with the hope that I’d miss the meeting invite, especially since it was sent right after I went offline. But that’s my normal paranoia at work. Coming to work this morning felt like the middle of the night. Black as midnight and quiet, it was almost eerie to be in the office so early, no one at all was around. The vents weren’t even on, nor were the cafeteria people around yet – I’ve figured out that the earliest you can get coffee here is about 6:30. Anyway, I can see already that this is going to be a brutal day. I just have to now try to get over my pissed-off-ness and move on. I sometimes have a little trouble with that, I’m willing to admit it.

Update 8:45 AM: GAWD! It's not even 9 AM yet. Shoot. Me.

Early Mornings ... GAH!

So there is this guy in my group who likes to schedule these 7 AM meetings. He says that it's to accommodate the India folk. Whatever. Anyway, 7 AM is really rough for me. As I've written before, I very often don't sleep well and I also have some pretty long days during the week. I mean yesterday, between work and riding and running and training and whatever was about 14-15 hours before I was able to even start to wind down a bit. It was a loooooong day, and on very little sleep too. So there was a 7 AM meeting scheduled this morning. I woke up already hassled and rushed. Flew through my shower and then stood in the middle of the room not knowing what I was going to do. Do I manically throw on my clothes and race to work and try to get myself booted up in time for the meeting? (Which means I really have to be at my desk by 6:30 AM.) Do I work from home? Nah, I really don't want to do that. I'm already working from home on Friday. Okay, I'll get ready, do the meeting from home and then rush to the office. I hate doing that. So much frantic rushing around. Rush to get ready and get booted up, rush like a crazy maniac to shut everything down, pack up and get to the office once the meeting winds down. And then I'll have the rush back home in the afternoon to work the last couple of hours from there, because I have riding scheduled tonight. But I feel that's still the best option.

So, I frantically try to get myself booted up, logged in through VPN, logged into the online meeting site only ... I can't find the meeting on the list. Go to my calendar and it's scheduled for tomorrow??? WTF? Cursing, I frantically shut everything down, pack up the computer and make a mad dash for work, getting here at 7:30 AM. Turns out that the meeting had originally been scheduled for this morning, only someone moved it to tomorrow at the last minute. GAH! Which means that I get to go through this whole thing all over again tomorrow morning. Somebody just shoot me.

Why I Hate to Start Work in the Early, Early Morning

(Besides the obvious.) When the work day starts this early, I find that I am very hungry, very early in the day. And it doesn’t seem to stop for the entire day. And I crave carbs. Of course with the whole chronic trouble with sleeping thing, early mornings are particularly grueling for me in general anyway.

Another Cluster

Ugh. So, I had a production install that I had to do on Thursday night. This is always a bit stressful as there are a lot of moving parts and steps in the process and there are a lot of people invested in this application. Thus it is a very visible project, which adds to my stress and worry when updating production. Anyway, I like to do the migration from the office because it’s a little bit easier from there and I worry about losing connections and whatever from home. It makes for a pretty long day (since the work has to happen after 5 PM) but my worry ends up being slightly less, so it’s worth the little bit of inconvenience.

Anyway, so I did all that I had to do after 5 PM as scheduled and it seemed to go relatively smoothly. Finally I was ready to start the services again by about 6 PM. I did so and then tried to get into the app online through the admin tool (to perform my very last step). Only the tool hung and I couldn’t get in. Repeated the process a couple of times with the same result. Tried to recycle the services but that didn’t work. Finally I did a hard kill and re-start and even THAT didn’t work. In a panic I noticed that one of my team members was online, so I pinged him and told him that I’m having some trouble. He said, oh no worries that he’s doing some work with the data warehouse with an engineer (Jim) on a partner team. Okay fine, but since he KNEW that I was going to be doing an installation during this time period, wouldn’t it have been nice if he had thought to contact me and say something like, “hey, I’m going to be working on some stuff, so don’t try to start services until I shoot you an email”. I mean, would that have been too much to ask?

So anyway, in the meantime the other guy (Jim) pings me and asks me how the migration went. I tell him that it was okay and that I’m just waiting on Team Member. Jim says that Team Member has been driving him crazy (they’ve been on IM and the phone for a while, I gather). Jim starts a chat with the three of us and then we’re just waiting, waiting, waiting. It’s going on 7 PM at this stage so finally I ask if anyone has an idea how long it’s going to take because I want to know whether I should run home (at this point I’m going on 11 hours in this cube). Team Member says that he doesn’t like to throw out time predictions as these things can be unpredictable (now THAT is helpful). And then he says, “If you have to go home, then GO”. Well, GEEZ, that’s easy for him to say, he's already sitting at home! (And has been all day).

So I run home, boot back up, log back in and ping both Team Member and Jim to let them know that I’m back online. Apparently nothing has happened yet so I’m pretty glad I made the decision to go home. About this time Jim starts telling me more about how Team Member is making him crazy, talking to him on speaker phone with all hell breaking loose and complete chaos going on in the background at his house so much so that Jim literally has to yell and neither can hear each other. He also says that Team Member was really weird, like, “loopy”. I ask him, “In what way? Do you mean like having cocktails or something?” and he says, yes seriously, it does seem like that, or something like that. So. Freaking. Weird.

Finally Team Member tells me that he’s done and that the services are running. I try the admin tool again and Jim the front-end, but neither of us can get in (still). I ping Team Member back, but by now he’s just completely MIA, must have just walked away without waiting to see that everything was okay. He was so cryptic and vague the whole time that this doesn’t surprise me – it makes me crazy when people don’t communicate clearly! Anyway, luckily once I do a hard kill and restart, everything seems to sort itself out, uh about three hours after I started this whole thing. What a nightmare. But at least I was able to close the loop and Jim ended up happy in the end.

Oh and the last part was that the customer told me that they wouldn’t be validating the install until after 10:30 PM that night. I had involved the off-shore team just in case but, worried, I monitored email until midnight and then woke up throughout the night to check, finally getting up around 5:30 AM to send an email out looking for status. Well. I never got the final validation from them until 3 PM or so on Friday! By then I was a wreck.

Was I ever happy to see the end to this work week. It must have been the longest short week ever.

"What a Cluster!!!"

ARGH! This is so frustrating. So, I have a really, really common name. It really has become the bane of my existence, I swear. So there was another person at my company who shared my exact, same name. So, from the very beginning, and I'm talking before I was even actually hired, this has been a huge pain in the ASS. In order to submit my application so that I could be hired, I had to open an online account with the company career center. Only the application wouldn't allow me to open the account because it said that I already worked there. Only I didn't, SHE did. ARGH! So I knew from the very beginning that this was going to be a problem. My email address had to be qualified with my middle initial, which meant that I was forever getting her emails, IMs, meeting invites, mail, BlackBerry invoices, phone calls, you name it (and she was forever receiving mine).

This was all enough of a big pain in the ass, but then she left the company in November. Well. Three days after that, my BlackBerry was turned off. After calling tech support the following week and sorting it out, turns out that they thought MY BlackBerry was HERS. So mine got shut off. Got that turned back on. And then over the months I've received emails and demands with spreadsheets asking for information about applications or databases I had never heard of, with my name designated as the application "expert". Each time I've been like, "WTF???" And of course most of these applications sounded just familiar enough that I wasn't 100% sure at first that it wasn't something of mine, which meant each time it was something that I had to spend time investigating a bit. But each and every time it was something for the former employee. Someone searching for info on something and looking for someone with my name (who also used to work for IT) and just assuming I must be the right person.

And now the latest kicker was this past Thursday. Suddenly my BlackBerry stopped loading email. Again. Dead all weekend, I tested the IM service and the phone this morning and everything was gone. W. T. F. So I called tech support again and they told me that I seemed to no longer have a BB account and that I was going to have to call the service provider. Called Sprint/Nextel and ended up on the phone with them for about an hour with the end result that they couldn't help me either. Although, they WERE able to tell me the "new" account name associated with my phone number (someone in Retirement and Investment Services, not even remotely related to my group). So, finally I found an internal "Mobile Support Group", called them and it turns out they WERE the right people to talk to. Even still, they had me on the phone for a half an hour or so while they unsnarled the problem. And of course they also had to go back to Sprint/Nextel to get the account sorted out. So basically, what they figured happened is that the old account got deleted, the other person's BB was even with a different service provider (Verizon), but then someone eye-balling the list of people who should have been cut off, saw my name and deleted it in a panic. Or something. SHEESH!!! As Julia would say, "WHAT A CLUSTER!!!" GAH! What next?

3-Year Anniversary

This weekend represents the anniversary of my move up to New Hampshire. Three years ago I left my office at my former company, where I had worked for 16 years. I said goodbye to NYC and moved into a corporate apartment up here in New Hampshire. I started work at New Company on Tuesday, just three days after leaving NYC and Old Company. January is a rough time of year to transition to living here and my transition was made even tougher because I didn't have a car, or even a license at the time! I was also right away thrown into a high-pressure project for a difficult customer at New Company, where a lot of responsibility and weight of the work was immediately on my shoulders. The first half year here was pretty stressful and tough, but I came through it all okay and never, even for a second, regretted my decision.

I'd say that my first two years here were really transitional for me. In many ways I felt pretty settled in immediately, and in others, well, I think sub-consciously it was a little harder on me than I was willing to admit. It translated to my gaining a bunch of weight during the first two years, weight that I really couldn't afford to gain. But after those two transitional years, I really felt like things started to settle more comfortably for me. I finally came off that first, high-pressure project and my job has been allowed to move forward. I took control and lost the weight that I had gained, and then some and started putting down roots that make me truly feel like this is where I belong.

In many ways these past three years have flown by, but I also sort of feel like I've been here forever. I look back on my NYC years very fondly, and sometimes a little wistfully. I'll never, ever regret living there, that experience is so much a part of who I am now. But I can never see myself going back to live there either. I am so happy that I was able to have that experience and now I have been so, SO happy that I was given such an excellent opportunity to move on whole-heartedly to a place that I love.