2018 - A Healthy Start

I woke up on January 1st, 2018 and knew that something needed to change. Okay, maybe it was January 5th, I don't know. But the important thing is, I knew that I couldn't continue on the way I had been. I have not been particularly unhealthy, really, but I have been on a path that does not bode well for a great quality of life, and especially as I get older.

Perhaps more importantly, I have not been particularly happy with myself. I feel restless, not content. I don't feel like I have been living my best life. I've just been coasting in a lot of ways. Okay, I'll admit it, there has been a good amount of self-loathing involved here. Actually, I have battled varying degrees of self-loathing for my entire life, but let's not go there right now.  Anyway, the bottomline is that I knew I had to change some stuff.

I started by deciding to immediately revamp my eating habits. I've been really loose-y-goose-y in this area for most of my life. I don't eat a ton of junk food, especially in recent years. I can't tell you the last time I went to a McDonalds/Burger King/Taco Bell/KFC. But I also have not been very careful about what I eat. My choices have trended towards the type of food that isn't the most conducive to optimal health, or even feeling that great. Think, a lot of pasta, bread, convenience food, steak, sugar, not much in the way of vegetables.

So, this is how I started:

• First, there are no rules. Nothing is off the table (ha, see what I did there?) I hate the word "diet". I wanted a sustainable eating plan, not a short-term diet. If I labeled a food as bad or not allowed, there is no way that I could be successful. So, I decided that I can eat or drink anything at any time. But, I want to ensure that I choose healthier options most of the time. If I decide that I want pizza and beer someday, I will have it.
• Vegetables are a priority. Think about what I like and figure out how to incorporate lots of them into my life. 
• Avoid processed food as much as you possibly can.
• I love fish, why am I not eating it more? Eat more fish. 
• Red meat is okay, but maybe it should be more of a once in a while thing. 
• Chicken. Lots of chicken. But blech on steamed, skinless chicken breasts. Make chicken (breasts and thighs) all kinds of ways. Find new ways!
• Fats are okay. But think about the quality of fats. 
• Be mindful. Don't make food choices based on what is easiest, or on a whim (like walking past the hot bar at the grocery store where the crispy wings smell so good). Think about what you're choosing. 
• Figure out where sugar is coming from and do everything you can to cut it out. 
• Cook at home/prepare food at home the majority of time. 
• Alcohol: Drink it! But think about it. Do you really want it on a week night? (usually the answer is "no"). Do you really need it on Friday night, just because you're not working tomorrow (usually the answer is "no"). 
• Diet Coke. Actually, this is bad. Don't drink it. 

I am still trying to figure out some other stuff. Some are around:

• Fitness
• Social 
• Work/Career
• Money
• Home
• Future (retirement)
• Feeling of Contentedness/Balance/Happiness (this is hard to define)

I will make future posts around how I am doing with my eating plan and some of these other areas of focus. For now, this is a start. 

Excited About Riding Again!

(Ruby & I at a 2-Phase competition a couple of years ago)

I haven’t written about my riding in a while, but I did want to post an update before much more time passes. I have to say that I am having an excellent time riding this season. I decided at the beginning of the Summer that I wanted to add an additional lesson (a private) to my week, at least for a few months. I think this has worked out well for me as it has allowed me to have some great focus, has helped motivate me and I find that having that private lesson on Thursday, after my group lesson on Wednesday, gives me the opportunity to have some good scrutiny to work on things that maybe came up the day before, to zero in on stuff that needs more attention, or just to build on things that we worked on in the first lesson.

The other thing that I have made a commitment to with my riding is jumping on my own more. I posted this a couple of months ago about how I am regarded as a kind of a “jumping scrooge” at my barn. Well, in the interest of trying to make jumping more “been-there-done-that” / ho-hum / no-big-deal for myself, I have made some good steps towards banishing this image of myself as well. 

I have gotten pretty good about jumping at least one session per week on my own and have slowly been increasing the amount of jumping that I will make myself do. I started with jumping a couple of little fences at a time and then calling it “done”. I now will jump pretty much anything set up in the ring, as well as some stuff in the field (including the up & down banks). I have also been increasing the height of the fences that I do on my own. My attitude about jumping has improved to the point where it doesn’t faze me to jump around combinations of 3’ (or so) fences by myself. Of course, my trainer is also happy since, when it comes time for my jumping lessons, I’m no longer whining or giving her a hard time about jump height. It’s a work in progress, but the more I jump, the more I find that I want to jump! Funny how that works.

My Dressage work with Ruby continues to have its frustrations. About a month ago, I went through a very balky spell with her. Every flat session she would come up with a serious evasion where she would basically refuse to go forward, sometimes even at the walk. It has been especially frustrating because I felt (and still feel, believe it or not) that we had been making a ton of progress in our dressage work. Ruby’s trot in particular  has seemed to turn a major corner. Suddenly she gets the concept of what I’m asking for in the trot, becoming forward, actually on the aids and truly round (and with a correct bend!) When we went through this bad patch last month, it would take me almost an entire training session to boot her forward, to take her head out of llama status and get her out of her funk. The name of the game was transitions. Lots of transitions (basically my go-to tool, when all else fails). Walk, halt. Walk, trot. Trot, halt. Trot, canter. Canter, walk. Walk, canter. If you balk, you get booted forward and we get to do more of the same, endlessly. After going through this for forty-five minutes or so, I would usually, finally, end up with a soft and responsive horse, approaching the trot that I had been looking for. But, man! Was it frustrating. And exhausting. There were a few of those sessions where I questioned whether I should be selling Ruby and looking for another horse. There were a lot of times when I questioned whether I knew what I was doing (well, I still question that all the time). But, I have to say that it has gotten better. The canter still needs a lot of work and she is still pulling some of her balky maneuvers in our canter work, but her trot work has been lovely. She has also been offering this good trot work earlier and earlier in our rides too. Where it used to take me a lot of warm-up, suppling, transitions and other work to get her to a state where she started lifting her back, softening her jaw and reaching for the contact, I am finding that lately it has become more of a natural state with Ruby. It’s not immediate, but I am usually not jumping through a lot of hoops to get there either.

The thing with Dressage is: This is actually very hard for horses. There is a reason why there is a Dressage Training Scale. It’s not expected that you will achieve these things overnight. In addition to the training of the horse to gradually improve, there is also the gradual strength and muscling that is built in the horse as you progress in your work. It is not meant to happen all at once. A lot of the flat work asked of horses in Dressage training can be equated in humans to gymnastics, yoga and strength training, with a fair amount of endurance in there as well. It takes time to build on the work and your progress is usually measured in tiny steps. This year I feel like we’ve been “getting it”. And because we’ve been getting it, I’ve been asking more of Ruby. The balking thing is, I think, her reaction to my asking more of her – it’s hard! I just have to work through the rough patches and make her realize that defiance makes her life much harder.

With all that said about my dressage frustrations this Summer, even during the worst of it when I would be on the brink of giving up with Ruby, we would then have a jumping day in there where she would be awesome! Gallopy and loving life, even doing flying changes when I ask properly. And then there are the days when I get great flat work. It has been so hard-earned over the years that Ruby and I have been together that it is especially sweet when there is fluidity and harmony. It’s like the Dressage Gods have suddenly smiled on us. Because it hasn’t come easily, those great moments are now especially sweet.

To sum it up, these days I am truly excited about riding again. I was never actually “blah” about it, but I had reached a bit of a slump where flat work was always a fight, and it was also hard to watch others who have horses that make it easier. I dreaded jumping and just wanted to get through it and be done. I wanted to make improvements in all aspects of my riding and training of Ruby, but wasn’t really doing too much to get there and, as a result, wasn’t seeing much in the way of progress either. Now I feel like my riding world has opened up some. I look forward to even just a garden variety schooling session because I feel that I now have more of a partnership with my horse. Thanks to CrossFit, as well as more riding in general and some tweaking of my eating habits, I am also much more fit now than I was a few months ago, so this is definitely a contributing factor in my overall attitude and in my ability to ride better.

CrossFit Gear: CrossFit Tee-Shirt (Reebok)

I was excited to see that there is a Reebok store, complete with an "official" CrossFit section, at my local outlet. I was shopping for some workout stuff, so I thought I would pick up some CrossFit goodies! Unfortunately, most of the CF gear was very expensive (I mean, $50 for sports bra, just because it says "CrossFit" on it? Really? At an outlet store no less!) But I did pick up a tee-shirt. Unfortunately, I got it home and it's too tight.

Well, that's okay, I am going to make this a goal. I want to be able to wear this shirt in public by the end of the Summer. So there.

Eventing Goals

(Note: Picture taken from the Groton House website - this is not me!)

With the new-found confidence and focus that CrossFit and a more consistent riding program this season has given me, I've started thinking about some actual riding goals, beyond just the training goals I always have in mind for Ruby. This weekend is the Groton House Horse Trials, so it got me to thinking, 'wouldn't that be an awesome goal for next year?' The more I thought about it, the more I started to like the idea.

I talked to my trainer, Alison, about my idea on Thursday and she seemed to think that it was a good and, more importantly, reasonable goal. So it is starting to shape up into a plan. It gives me a year to really work towards something significant. The thing about Groton House is, it starts at Novice (2'11" jumps), so there is no falling back to BN if I'm not ready. I can do it, I did it at UNH a couple of years ago, I can do it at Groton House. Here are my goals to get there:

1. Continue in CrossFit, minimum 3x a week.
2. (Sub-goal to CF) Get fit, get strong, develop great endurance/stamina.
3. Continue our forward progress in Dressage. Reach next Spring able to put Ruby on the aids more consistently. More easily forward and quick off the leg, straighter with more harmony and relaxation. Balanced canter!
4. (Related to Dressage) Come up with a great warm-up plan to accomplish the above in any ride. 
5. Develop and stick to a conditioning plan. Ride hills, trot sets, canter sets, etc. with regularity. 
6. JUMP! Jump every week, one way or another. Jump what the trainer says. Don't crap out and say that you want to finish on that last course if your trainer wants you to jump some more. Don't complain. Don't whine about jump height. 
7. (Related to Jump) On your own, work on balance and "Dressage" in between the fences. Do your circle-jump-circle exercise. Try other exercises that will promote balance and better rhythm on jump courses. 
8. Start off the Season next year fit, fit, fit!
9. Have fun and have a great attitude. 

Post Script: Looking at the results from cross-country day at Groton House today, I wonder how smart this goal is after all. There are a LOT of rider falls and eliminations in all divisions. Yikes. 

Fear

I mentioned before that I am going through a cycle of fear with my riding. Specifically with jumping. There is no real reason for it (at least this time around). Nothing bad has happened, I have not had a fall, or even (really) a terrible jumping round. No, I just haven't been jumping a lot and the less I jump, the more my fear grows. It's unreasonable, and even a bit nuts, but fear is a hard emotion to get a handle on.



I think I have my trainer convinced now that I can't handle anything "big" and that I hate to jump. This is not really true, however. What I hate is the anticipation of jumping. Once we're on course, I'm usually okay. I'm also better if I go earlier in the rotation, rather than later (if there are three or four people in the class, my nerves are much better if I jump first. If I jump last, I tend to start freaking out more). Once I start a course, however, I'm fairly calm and able to function okay. When I'm looking at a jump course and the jumps are relatively big ("big" for me means around 3 feet), I'll start to freak out, but once we start jumping, I seem to settle into the work. Actually, the bigger ones tend to jump a little nicer, so I might even relax a bit on course with larger fences. Oddly, I am the most relaxed when jumping cross-country. Jumping stadium courses in the ring, I tend to think and worry too much and just want to "get it over-with". Send me out in the field and I'm up for a nice gallop, jumping anything that gets in the way. After a jumping session, I usually feel pretty exuberant, excited that I did it, happy that it went well, a bit of an adrenalin rush. It feels great.



I think the fear is partially physical fear and partially a fear of failure. The physical side of this tends to ebb & flow with how much I’m jumping in any given season and how well it’s going (and, typically, the more I’m jumping, the better it tends to go, things are funny that way). But something I struggle with in many other parts of my life, in addition to riding, is the fear of failure. I can intellectualize the logic of my resistance to starting down an unsure path where success is not assured, but I really struggle with the emotions around this and the resulting inertia. I worry about failure, and so I don’t even try. I worry about looking foolish or stupid. I doubt myself and self-loathing rears its head. It sounds so simple and stupid, just put yourself out there, you don’t have to be perfect! I know, I know, I agree, but it’s just not that simple. It’s an extremely complicated and layered emotional thing. It’s a little easier to see the illustration with something like riding, since the physicality of the activity makes it a little more simple, more black & white, but it’s still there and a very real feeling that paralyzes my willingness to take chances.



Because of my fear issues, in addition to being pretty resistant to jumping in general, I have not been willing to sign up for any competition this year (there is a logistical and time component to this too, but the fear is probably the biggest element). I chickened out on an invitation to go to fox hunting (the opening hunt) this past weekend and I have chickened out on multiple opportunities to go cross-country schooling this Summer. Oddly enough, I have had absolutely no problem with motivating myself to go out hacking alone, including galloping down the trail. Maybe it’s because no one is watching? My horse has been so good in general, that I have reached a point where I really do trust her. I just need to trust myself more. In the meantime, my peers at the barn are all competing and advancing and all doing very well and I am completely left in the dust.



If I am to be honest with myself (and, really, if you can’t be honest on your blog, why even bother?) I will also have to admit that there is another component to my current fear issues. Being significantly overweight and out of shape wreaks havoc on my ability to ride well -- my physical ability to actually do the activity (let’s face it, the tighter and more athletic you are, the more solid and balanced you are going to be careening around a stadium jumping course, and the more solid & balanced you are, the more confident you’re going to feel overall). It also affects my perception of myself, my willingness to take a chance and put myself out there and out of my comfort zone, my concern for looking silly or ridiculous. Hell, when I feel that I am even more porked out than normal, even my willingness to meet new people or interact with people I already know is affected. It’s a vicious circle too. The more self-conscious I am, the more self-loathing sets in, the less likely I am to expose myself to activity and situations where I could look silly or ridiculous or not competent. So, I hide and don’t try new things or put myself out there in general, and of course my activity level decreases. Add to that a 50+ hour a week desk job and any willingness to pursue enough activity to make a dent in my fitness level really suffers. Most weekdays are crazy and I am committed to riding at least three workdays out of five (and both weekend days). I used to be able to schedule gym or running time on my lunch hours at work, but I now have so many lunchtime meetings and commitments, that it hasn’t been realistic in a long time. I am generally at work by 7 and I ride after work, home around 7:30-8 PM and in bed by 9. So there isn’t a lot of wiggle room on these days for fitting something else in (especially something in the mid-day when I will need a shower afterwards). What I must do, however, is make a commitment to do some other activity (running, yoga, spinning, even just a long walk with the dogs) on the days where I don't have riding commitments. Thursdays are a good target (I have lessons on Tuesday & Wednesdays and usually plan to ride on Mondays as well). If could just get myself to run or take a yoga class or go to the gym on Thursdays & Fridays and one day (in addition to riding) on the weekend, I think that would be a great start. It would also really help if could sleep better during the week and not be so unbelievably exhausted by Thursday. Okay, I’m making excuses. I just need to suck it up and make a plan.





A long and rambling post to my conclusions … I absolutely know what some of these things are that are holding me back, in life, in general, but in riding in particular. But how do I overcome them? That is really the meat of the problem. I can blather about it all endlessly, I can self-analyze with the best of them, but what I really need is a concrete action plan. Hmmm, more on this in future posts, I think …

Another Catch-Up

I have not written in a very long time and for months have thought about abandoning this blog. However, I do miss writing longer posts about the happenings in my life and the brief status updates on Facebook are just not as satisfying to me. So, I am going to attempt to reclaim this space, if only for my own chronicle, irrespective of whether anyone out there is reading.


A big part of why I have not kept up with the blog is that the past year or so has been pretty crazy and overwhelming at work. A number of team members left or went on to other roles which meant that, for nine-ten months or so, another team member and I had to rotate on-call duties every other week. It was shear Hell for me and a lot of things fell out of my life last Summer as a result. Additionally, there have been a number of consuming projects at work that have also sucked up a lot of time and energy over the past year, all contributing to a lack of time and a change of focus. With all that said, however, my efforts over the past year have been noticed and rewarded (very, very good reviews, resulting raise, etc.) and I feel that I have also grown quite a bit in my professional expertise. As painful as the past year has been at work, I think it has also put me in a good place professionally. In other words, the end result was worth the pain.


Things have now quieted down some. Although, there is still plenty going on at work to cause me ongoing anxiety and worry, I think I just have to resign myself to the fact that this will most likely always be the case. I am a worrier. I also have major issues with confidence and self-esteem, so this is just something I have to fight on a daily basis. But work is not quite as “frantic” at the moment, which has given me more wiggle room to once again try to achieve balance in my life.


This winter (2012) was the first winter since I got Ruby that I did not send her south to SC. This was something that I really went back-and-forth on, but I finally decided that I wanted to re-establish my riding focus during the season (especially coming off of a long stretch of time where work interfered with my ability to get out and ride consistently) and I also felt that Ruby didn’t need to go down for more training. It was more important to get my momentum back, as well as to continue to build the bond and relationship between us. During the winter I was able to take a private lesson once a month with a FEI Dressage coach. I also attended two barn lessons each week, in addition to the schooling I did on my own. I probably averaged riding four times a week (sometimes five). It was not an intense schedule, but good enough to keep us both going. We had our struggles though. I really struggled with my own riding competence (basically, I went through a couple of months of sheer incompetence) and Ruby struggled through some very unbalanced flat work. It was almost as if we both were back at square one. I think a big part of this was due to a real slacking off on my part over the months leading up to the winter with my work schedule. There were large gaps in the work I did with Ruby over the second half of 2011. During that time, due to my crazy work schedule, the few times I did get out to ride I kept to mostly fun or casual rides. Very little actual schooling work was involved. The lack of real focused work really showed up as we entered the winter season and tried to get back to into the swing of regular riding.


Usually the first thing that falls apart with Ruby when not in regular work is the right lead canter, followed by the canter over all. Then we lose overall impulsion. There might be moments of round relaxed trotting, but most of the session would be fraught with long periods of tension and resistance. Add to this frustration and general incompetent flailing on my part and, well, we’re pretty much a mess. Ruby’s canter became somewhat hollow and we could not get in more than a couple of strides of right lead canter before she would switch behind to cross-canter. I also seemed to lose all confidence in myself to get around a jump course adequately. Any jump session was met with terrible nerves and hyperventilating.


It was not all bad. I got quite a lot out of each session with the Dressage coach. I would see significant improvement by the end of each ride and I had many takeaways from my time with her that stick in my mind even now. Ann, the assistance trainer who had me for Thursday night lessons, probably saw the worst of me during the winter. But I did have a major breakthrough with her one night too, and she may not even realize it. She talked me through establishing real contact with Ruby one night. Something that I think I probably used to do correctly (at least some of the time), but with all my slacking off had lost along the way. I think I had forgotten the real feel of it and needed to have it hammered back into my head. That one session, by the end of our lesson, I once again felt the connection through real contact and it was like a light bulb went on in my head. It did take me a while to be able to establish and keep it on my own again when riding after the lesson. First ride I was able to get it for a while, and then it faded on subsequent rides for a while. But that’s okay, now that I had the feel and knew what I was striving for, it was something I was able to once again work towards, even if I was only able to get it at first for a few strides here and there.


Mike, the Wednesday night trainer, also was able to help me quite a bit in some jumping exercises. One session in particular he had me for a private and we worked on jumping two jumps on a 20 meter circle, just establishing the rhythm and a good canter and pace to each jump. It was a simple exercise, but it calmed me down, steadied me, steadied Ruby and got me to think about jumping as more of an extension of flatwork, rather than something to just get done (and over with). I still think this is an exercise that I should be doing regularly on my own. If I could convince myself to jump more, that is.


In March I decided to take Ruby’s canter completely back to basics. I decided that for the canter, all we were going to work on were transitions and nothing else. This is what I did when I first got her and could not reliably get her to canter at all. During that time, I worked on transitions for my own purposes, to take the anxiety out of the movement to the point where I knew I would get a canter, ANY canter. Well, the transition was still established. In even our worst work over the winter, I could still always get a canter. The canter I would get just usually wasn’t one I wanted to keep. So that’s where we started. On a 20 meter circle, ask for canter, canter a couple of strides, downward transition, trot for a couple of strides, canter again. Rinse, repeat. Trot-canter-trot-canter, etc. And then walk-canter-walk-canter, etc. For the month of March and into April, I don’t believe I asked Ruby to canter more than a couple of strides in her flatwork at all.


She started getting stronger and able to hold her canter correctly to the right for longer periods of time. Her left lead canter started getting lovely and round. To the right she stopped swapping behind, the head-tossing lessened and we were able to string together more and more round, organized strides. I added in full circles of cantering and then spiraling in and out at the canter as things improved. Her transitions also became much sharper and cleaner, she would just jump right off of my leg, by the time this exercise was fully established.


About a month and a half ago or so, I noticed that our contact had greatly improved. The periods of tension had lessened, Ruby was more consistently even in the contact and reaching for the contact in all gaits. She seemed overall much more forward, fluid, rhythmic and relaxed. Offering more consistent forward impulsion at the trot meant that I could stop working so hard trying to establish the momentum and that I could now work more on elasticity and adjustment of stride and pace through my seat. Her canter was getting so nice that I started cycling halt-canter transitions into our regular work. I also came up with a warm-up script: after about 6-8 minutes of trot & canter on a loose rein, a few minutes of lateral work at the walk, then we do transitions. Walk-halt-walk-halt, etc. (with some side-pass and turns on the forehands thrown in at some of the halts). Then trot-walk-trot-halts, etc. (mixing it up so it’s not always the same pattern). And then trot-(almost)walk-trot (so, kind of a ¾ halt). And then we’ll move on to some walk-canter and halt-canter transitions. Once we get through all of this, Ruby is usually consistently and delightfully on the aids, even in the contact, round, willingly forward and very sharp with her transitions.


I am at this stage riding pretty consistently six days a week (sometimes we will go seven straight days and then take a day off). We’re now working on transitions within the gait. Her working-to-medium-to-working canter is coming along very, very nicely. I don’t seem to be able to establish as much adjustability in the trot work, surprisingly. However, we HAVE had some beautiful trot lengthenings on the trail, I just can’t seem to get the same quality in the ring. Anyway, it’s a work in progress and very satisfying work it is. I feel that we are finally at a pretty good place in our flatwork where I now have something to work with. We have our good days and our bad days, but I feel that the progress is so considerable that I am very, very happy with the work and encouraged overall. In addition to the flatwork, we have jumping days and hacking/gallop days, so Ruby’s program is pretty well-rounded right now.


My biggest stumbling block with the jumping side of my discipline is my own mind. I seem to go through cycles of bravery and fear and right now I am in a fear pattern. I believe it most directly relates to how much I have been jumping or, more accurately, NOT jumping within any period of time. Since I haven’t been jumping a ton, I am right now more fearful than I was about a year or so ago. The solution is to jump more. I know this, but I have to be coerced! I had a private stadium jumping lesson last week and it went very well. Ruby jumped beautifully, we were jumping almost up to our previous heights, we did full courses, including a two-stride and a triple bar, my position was great, I rode well and I actually thought about each part of the course as I came to it, rather than just trying to hurry through and get it over with. I need to now take that away and jump more often so I don’t become such a freak every time I have to jump in a lesson. Which means that I have to force myself to jump more on my own. Which means that I have to get over myself!


An additional note on jumping: As a side benefit to all the flat work we’ve been doing, Ruby’s course work has also improved. Jumping has always been her strong suit, however she also likes to motorcycle around a bit and blow off the rider’s aids in the corners and around turns. Last week in our jump courses, she was much more responsive on the turns, more willing to listen and bend into the corners and much more round, nicer canter overall.


About competing. Well, I decided to put that on hold for now. Last year I successfully moved up to the Novice division (for non-horse people, if you’re still reading, in the Eventing discipline, this is approximately 3-foot jumps). I eeked it out on very little riding in the month leading up to the event in July. Afterwards I was riding so little that competition was not something I would even consider. This year I have certainly been riding enough to participate in any competition, but my desire has not been there. I think that work has just been so busy and so stressful, and after putting in about fifty hours per week, I just dread the thought of adding the stress and unbelievably long, exhausting days of a competition into the mix. I need my down time on the weekends. Ruby DID, however, go to The Groton House Horse Trials with my trainer’s working student about four weeks ago. They finished on third on their dressage score of 28.5! Proof enough to me that all of our flat work really has paid off.


So the past year and a half has had many ups & downs for both my work life and my riding life. I feel like I have made a lot of progress though, and am happy for where I am. With the riding, I have been enjoying my horse even more than ever and really do feel like the journey is so incredibly satisfying. Just seeing the progress in dribs & drabs and then looking back to see where we were only a few months ago is exhilarating to me.

Working Out

Well, I'm trying to start off the new year on a more or less good, or at least healthy(ish), note. I believe I mentioned that I joined the "Y", but I didn't actually go for the first time until this past Saturday. For my first workout I was just going to do about half-an-hour, but I surprised myself by working out for almost an hour. I even managed to throw in a few running intervals.

Tonight I went back to the "Y" for more of the same. I spent half-an-hour on the elliptical and then walked for twenty minutes on the indoor running/walking track. The indoor track is really a great alternative during the Winter as the short, dark days, the frigid weather and the ice and snow (and snow banks) everywhere here make it pretty tough to run outside. The track is also considerably less tedious than the treadmill. I still want to keep sessions on the treadmill in rotation as I think I force myself to maintain a more consistent pace (whatever that targeted pace may be) and it works really well for adding intervals. Anyway, I'm pretty pleased with my motivation so far. I have signed myself up for a spinning class on Thursday night. I'm pretty nervous about that, it's been over a year since I've taken one and I'm hopelessly out of shape.

On the food front, I've been okay. Not perfect, but not bad. I've stuck to my breakfast resolve, eating yogurt or oatmeal 6 days / week. Most lunches have been reasonable -- I've actually been getting the entrees at the cafeteria at work (when they have a healthy one). Usually the portion is right and I'll get two vegetables as sides, something I tend not to eat much, when cooking for myself. I've been cooking a lot and have not had much in the way of sweets or other junk. I'm sure that I can get better in this area, but I feel pretty good about my progress at the moment. Oh! And I have increased my water intake and decreased the soda, so that is also a positive.

I think I need to have a different attitude about this health & fitness stuff than I have had previously. Always before it's been about weightloss and looking better. Well, maybe it hasn't been only about weightloss, but that always seems to the most prominent part of any new, healthy resolve to me. And this is also one of the reasons why I become so discouraged so easily, so demoralized when I can't ever seem to reach even a fraction of my ultimate goals. I throw my hands up in despair and figure, why bother? So, I think I have to completely throw weightloss out the window. I hope that weightloss happens, but I don't think that it can be the focus of my efforts any longer. It has just contributed to too many years of self-loathing and disappointment for me.

Instead I am now focused on heath and on training. When I don't want to work out, I have to remind myself of my (Eventing) competition goals. When I want to eat junk, I have to think about the health element and how it will make me feel. If I do eat junk, remember that bad physical feeling, rather than kick myself for having no will power or for setting myself back in my weightloss goals. As they like to say at Jenny Craig, "It's Progress, Not Perfection". At least, I think that was Jenny Craig. Whatever.

Riding Goals for 2010

These are more or less the goals that I wrote up for a post last month on the Chronicle of the Horse (Eventing) Message Boards (with a tweak here or there):

I feel like I reached so many of my 2009 riding goals that I don't really want to be too greedy with my goals for 2010.

2009 was my first real year of competition of my "new" riding life. Previous competition experience was almost 30 yrs ago and never at the sanctioned level, that I can remember anyway. So just completing 3 sanctioned events last year happy, confident (with a happy & confident horse) and even placing in two of them was huge to me.

With that all said, here are some goals for me for 2010:

* 2009 my goals were to start competing, maybe accomplish one sanctioned event, don't get eliminated, don't scare myself or my horse too much. For 2010, I'd like to do more of the same, but I want to feel more confident and a little more driven & competitive.

* Improve my dressage. For most of 2009, I felt that I was terrible in all things dressage and it always overwhelmed me a bit. I need to work on balance and I need to have softer, more elastic hands. I have to be more decisive with my aids, but at the same time lighter. I need to take advantage of Dressage clinics and any opportunities that allow me to gain additional perspective and experience in this area.

* I think my jumping position and my ability to "ride" my horse through a course improved the most in 2009. I'd like to build on that, be braver, trust myself and my horse more and learn to let go.

* I need to be able to better recognize pace when jumping, especially in stadium. I need a better feel for when more forward vs. a check is needed. I don't always figure this out at the right time.

* I need to be better about keeping my horse balanced on jump courses.

* I had some time penalties at BN Level cross-country last season -- that is shameful! That needs to stop. Now.

* Review the Area I competition schedule in the Spring and plan out the season in advance with my trainer. Hopefully my training will have some good focus if I have my competition season all plotted out. I haven't decided how many events that I want to target yet. I will be competing in one when I'm down in Aiken in March, but I should probably try to do more than three for the Area I season.

* Listen to my trainer and don't whine, complain, or come up with excuses of why I can't do something. Trust her when she says I am capable of a (fence, a course, a new XC obstacle, a new height, a competition, a clinic, whatever) that I can do it. Don't question it, just do it.

* At least do some schooling of Level N. If it goes well and my trainer thinks that I'm ready, have the courage to enter N division at some point.

* Strive to ride 6x a week, but no less than 4 (not sure how that holds up for my on-call weeks, but I'll have to work something out).

* Improve fitness. Minimum of 3x a week of some non-riding work (running or spinning class or whatever). Work on being able to run at a tempo pace (for me, this probably means a 10 min. mile) for 4-6 mins intervals -- work up to 6 mins anyway. I feel that if I can run a strong (for me) pace for 6 mins, I will not be gasping for breath so much on XC 2/3 of the way through. Although, I guess I can't simulate the adrenalin factor.

These are the initial 2010 goals that I've been thinking of. I'm sure more will pop into my head, but these are a start.

Goals for 2010 (non-riding)

My goals for 2010 are going to mostly be about behavior. I find that it's useless to make promises to myself like, "lose 30 lbs" or, "get a promotion or a raise (or whatever) at work", it's much more concrete and attainable to make goals around the specific behaviors or tasks that I can make a choice to do, or not do, on any given day that fulfill the goal and inch me closer towards the person that I want to be, towards the life that I see for myself. I believe my goals for last year were made with this idea more or less in mind, but I think that I am a little bit more mindful of that now.

Work

I feel that I am already on the path that I want to be on for this year at work. There were some changes to our group over the past six months or so that have opened up some additional opportunities for me to learn new stuff, take on new work, increase my value to the team, as well as expand my exposure to the enterprise. This, along with some new projects on the horizon are giving me the opportunity to learn some valuable new skills that are much needed in our group, so I am starting 2010 actually pretty excited for the work year ahead.

The work goals that I want to work on, in addition to the above, center on my management of fear. I'm not sure how much control I may have over stress and anxiety, but I can address the fear that sometimes holds me back at work. Fear of failure, fear of not knowing something, fear of looking like an idiot, fear of admitting that I'm unsure. You name it, these things crop up consistently for me and to the detriment of my forward progress sometimes. I can't tell you how many times I've been in a meeting when some issue comes up and, if I have an idea, but am not 100% sure it's the right answer, I keep my mouth shut, only to have someone else pipe up with the same, or a similar, thing. I sometimes start off new projects terrified that I'll screw up. Learning something new, convinced that I'm going to fail -- so I am sometimes afraid to take that chance. So, my goal for this year is to get over it. When new opportunities come up, take them on. When I am shown something new, take a chance at trying it on my own the next time (with the usual caution of backing up what can be backed up, etc.) Don't be afraid to voice an opinion. And (perhaps most importantly of all) don't let the attitude, condescension or bad vibes of anyone else taint my self-confidence or self-esteem.

Home

This is a new category for this year. About a month or so ago, I got this bug about cleaning and organizing and throwing crap away. It feels good. And it also feels really good to be living in surroundings that are a bit more serene. So, my goal is to keep throwing the excess away, keep up the dusting and vacuuming. Keep on top of what's stuffed into the refrigerator. Keep the fireplace clean. Shred everything that needs to be shredded on a weekly basis, at least. Get rid of the catalogs, cut down or eliminate magazine subscriptions. Go through clothes that haven't been worn in a year. More storage bins for the books and other stuff that I don't want to throw out, at least get it organized in the basement. Finish hanging the rest of pictures lying around the house (I actually just hung a few last week).

Other very specific home stuff:

* Get the garbage disposal / dishwasher fixed.
* Get the screening on the screen porch fixed or replaced (probably not until Spring or so).
* Get the deck stained. I think there is a loose board there too that needs to be fixed.
* Hang a new curtain rod in my bedroom (the one that's in there is hanging by a thread).
* This old electrical outlet thing that (I think) used to be part of some alarm system (previous owner) needs to be made inactive or closed or whatever. Anyway, need an electrician to take a look.
* Have light bulbs replaced in the garage opener and the overhead garage light (sounds silly, I know, but I can't reach either, even with the step stool!)

Finances

Oh, I really don't know. In 2009 I feel like I really didn't buy nearly as much random stuff in general that I have in previous years. I definitely did not buy many clothes or make trips to Target regularly, I haven't been to a mall in YEARS. Can't remember the last time I ordered anything from Crate & Barrel or William Sonoma or Pottery Barn. But I did buy a horse last year and so have also been spending money on all the stuff that comes along with horse ownership. So I can't say that this newfound restraint has saved me anything. It's just flowing out the other side. At least I recognize that I have to make adjustments if I am to pay for the things I want and need for the horse, so I guess there is something positive in that. I guess I just need to continue to make better and better decisions about how I spend my money. Think about something before I buy it. Cook more (I am doing this already). Review the cost of stuff in the grocery store. That kind of thing.

Social

I've decided that I don't have any social goals. I am an introvert. Sometimes I don't want to go to a party or socialize, that's just the way I am. I am no longer going to force myself to do something that I don't want to do. If I want to stay home, why shouldn't I?

Health, Fitness & Weight

Well, first of all, I can't obsess about weight, as terrible as the situation may seem. Worrying about the scale and obsessing about my weight and berating myself for it does nothing for me but cause sick heartache, stress and, most of all, extreme self-loathing. Again, the goals are about behavior, about the things that I have a choice to do, or not do, on a daily basis. The hope is that the consistent good choices may have some effect on the weight and fitness. So here is what I'm thinking:

* 3 days a week of some non-riding kind of exercise. I am thinking mostly of walking (with the hope to get to some amount of running eventually), spinning classes, yoga and maybe some other cardio-machine stuff. (I joined the "Y" this week!)
* Yogurt or oatmeal for breakfast. Allowed to have one "treat" breakfast a week (like egg with turkey bacon, for example).
* Take-out allowed once every three months.
* A 12-16 oz water with lunch everyday (I have a terrible Diet Coke habit). Eventually restrict DC to weekends only.
* Cook dinner at home (or heat up leftovers, or at the least, have yogurt) six nights a week -- some kind of frozen or prepared meal is allowed one night a week. I've actually been increasing my cooking over the past couple of months so I'm almost already there. This also helps greatly in the finance sector.
* Get someone in to look at the treadmill. The belt seems to be slipping (maybe belongs under the "Home" category).

Talk to my doctor or someone about my increasing levels of anxiety and stress. Maybe I can get some therapy or something. I was even thinking about looking into hypnosis -- could help with both the anxiety and weight-loss.

Follow-up about some of the medical stuff that I've put off, like a mammogram and a mole/skin check.

Well, that's what I've come up with. I do have some additional riding-specific goals that I want to write about in a separate post. I have to continue to think about how the choices I make each day bring me closer to who I want to be, or whether they move me farther away. If I can be conscious and mindful of these small, daily things, then I should be in a good place by the end of 2010. We'll see.

2009 in Review (non-riding)

I feel like both 2008 and 2009 were pretty good years for me. However, I set some goals for 2009 and fell short of many, if not most of them.

Riding

As I stated in a previous post, I reached all of my riding goals. In fact, I actually surpassed them, so I ended 2009 extremely happy and satisfied in that regard.

Finances

I had a goal to save more money. Nope, didn’t happen.

Social

My goal in 2009 was to be more social and I can’t say that this really happened either. I did go to a couple of parties and social events. The Adult Camp in Aiken trip in March was pretty social. But in general, I was not very social at all.

Health, Fitness & Weight

Probably my biggest failure in 2009. These are the goals that I set last January:

• Re-commit to Jenny Craig. Be more careful with lunch (I don’t eat JC for lunch). Continue to use JC meals for breakfast & dinner.

I did start off the year very committed. I went back on JC for most meals and was very good about sticking to it. I kept it up for about two months with no results whatsoever. It was so frustrating because JC had worked so effectively at the start of my weight-loss effort. I guess I just had reached a point where I needed something else, I just didn’t know and don't know what that something else is. After two months of miserable failure and frustration, I gave up. At that point I had been on a Jenny Craig meal plan for almost a year and had had enough. I’m still a fan of the program, I just couldn’t do it anymore.


• Get back on the scale (both at home and at JC).

I did this in January & February while I was religiously following JC. I did stop once I stopped going to JC however.


• Start eating fruit mid-morning at work again.

Nope. Well, I can’t remember, I probably did start off the year doing this. I did not carry it through the year, however.


• Alcohol for social occasions only.

Actually, I was pretty good in the alcohol area. I can’t say that I only had a drink during social occasions and at no other time, but I have cut down on my alcohol consumption considerably over the past few years to the point where I now many times will go weeks without a drink. If I do have something it is usually only on a Friday or a Saturday night (and rarely both). I have also found that I get headaches pretty quickly once I start drinking alcohol (that never used to happen) – it’s almost like my head is reminding me with a small hint, what a hangover feels like, so don’t go there. Anyway, alcohol has not been a problem and so I also don’t feel like I can blame any of my weight issues on that.


• Continue 2x/week personal training sessions.

I did continue these through March or April, but stopped for a few reasons. First (and probably the biggest, at least most immediate, reason), is that it is very expensive (even with the company discount) and once I bought a horse, a lot of extras had to be cut. Work heated up and became very busy where I had trouble fitting it into my schedule, in addition to carving out time to ride everyday. Lastly, I really did not like the bulkier muscles that I felt that I was building. I really liked the training sessions for the motivation, the focus and to keep me on track. But I feel that I have the kind of body that builds muscle too easily. Fine, if you’re a guy, but as a woman (particularly a short woman) it is not doing me any real favors. I think that maybe my body would benefit more from the pilates/yoga-type of resistance work.


• Pick up the running again – run a minimum of 3x a week through March.

I was actually pretty good about running. Until sometime in March. I unfortunately had a fall from a horse while I was at Adult Camp and, while I wasn’t really injured, my hip and shoulder on one side was very sore for a very long time (well over a month). It was too uncomfortable to run and so I fell out of the habit. What I didn’t do that I should have was walk during this time, walking did not jar my sore areas. But I guess I probably used this as an excuse to fall off the wagon.

I seem to have this love/hate relationship with running. I am not a natural runner, so it takes quite a lot to get myself into any kind of running shape. There is a lot of ground work that has to go into getting myself to the point where I can run for more than a 30 second-1 minute interval at a time and my ability to run falls away very quickly if I am not being consistent. So, when I do fall off the running wagon, the thought of what it’s going to take to get me back there is very often just completely overwhelming. It also takes me a very long time to reach a point where I enjoy the running. So a long step-up period during which I am mostly miserable is just a hard mental hurdle for me to get over when I’m not in running mode and am trying to psych myself up for it. On the flip-side, however, I always feel pretty good after I’ve had a run and when I can get into the swing of it (and I’ve done that ground work to get me into that place where running comes a bit easier) I feel pretty fantastic.


• Plan to bump up mileage and/or the number of running sessions per week after March (hopefully the snow will start to be on the wane by then and I’ll be able to use some trails).

Yeah, not. The opposite happened. I stopped running all-together.


• Weather, snow & salt permitting, walk dogs on significant walk (or run) – minimum 2 miles, 2-3x per week.

Nope. Poor dogs.


• Look into a “Y” membership, or re-up with the Spinning studio.

Nope.


• Ride 4x a week (includes 2 training sessions/lessons per week).

This I pretty much did, at least through the competition season.


Work


Work was actually pretty good for me in 2009. I think that I took on a lot more over the year, increased my responsibilities as well as my knowledge-base. I was exposed to more customer and partner groups, expanded my relationships with team members and other peers and widened the scope of my professional expertise overall. My year-end review was probably one of the best that I've received, so I ended the year feeling quite positive about my professional life.

What I didn't do very well this year (in particular with regards to work) was manage stress and fear. It was a very uneasy year in the world and my company went through upheavals as many other companies did. I found that I can very easily be sent into panic mode and that it also doesn't take much at all for me to doubt myself, feel a loss of confidence or feel threatened -- I'm not an idiot, I realize that it mostly comes down to self-esteem & insecurity issues. When these "panic times" cropped up I could pretty much always recognize that I was not dealing with them well, I could intellectualize the logic of the situation, but the emotions and the chemistry of the situation almost always took over.

So, some of my 2009 goals were successful, but I continue to disappoint myself with my lack of commitment to health, diet and exercise. That is one area of my life where I have continued and sustained failure. I can get into a mode where I do exercise consistently, where I eat generally healthy and more or less correct portions, yet I can not seem to keep it up long-term. I also think that periods of stress and fear, as well as loneliness, greatly exasperate my issues with food and interfere with my willingness to stick to exercise commitments. Because 2009 was a pretty stressful year for me (even though it was a good year, in aggregate), my diet and exercise habits were affected in direct proportion.

With all the above said, however, I ended 2009 pretty satisfied overall and pleased with the year I had.

My Riding Year in Review

Riding Camp:
In March, 2009 I travelled to Aiken, SC to the adult training camp that my trainer hosts every year.That trip proved to be a kind of bootcamp back into my riding life. We had intensive riding lessons in Dressage, Stadium Jumping and Cross-Country. We trailered to some of the big cross-country courses in the area for schooling. We did pacing work on the galloping track and also competed in a two-phase (Dressage and Stadium Jumping). During the course of the week I caught the “bug” and looked at a couple of horses to buy.

Buying a Horse:
While in Aiken, I found a nice horse who unfortunately failed the pre-purchase vet exam. During the tryout ride, however, my trainer Alison had had me riding over various of the jumps on the Full Gallop Farm cross-country course which started to give me a hint that maybe I was going to be able to do this riding and competing thing. Granted, they were all Beginner Novice obstacles, but they were a step up from what I had been doing up until that point.

Once back in New Hampshire, I started my horse search online. Communicating with both Ann (Alison’s assistant trainer) and Alison (who was still down in SC). What appeared at first glance to be many horses available in my price range, narrowed down very quickly with Alison and Ann’s experience and knowledge. Either the horse in question was merely an eventing prospect (meaning that they had never done anything before, and thus you really had no idea whether it was going to be suited for the job) or, worse, the horse had a record of not even being able to get around a BN XC course without being eliminated, or Alison or Ann knew the horse and knew that it was a complete pill, had a habit of dumping his rider or some other unsatisfactory or scary habit.

There was one horse that belonged to a former student of Alison’s. I was going to take him on trial, but the owner changed her mind at the last moment -- decided that they were going to be able to get more money for him (apparently that sale fell through). But then Alison, in her last week in Aiken, found a horse that seemed perfect. “BeBe”, an Irish Sport Horse pinto, was only 5, had done some fox hunting previously and then had competed successfully at BN level around Aiken that season. Best of all, she was exactly in my price range. Alison tried her out and then took her for a couple of days trial back at her farm. For a green horse, she was very willing and steady. She seemed especially naturally suited for jumping.

Alison’s very picky vet in Aiken passed her with flying colors, so I decided to move forward with the purchase. This was a bit of a leap of faith for me because I did not go down to SC to try her out! But I felt that it was extremely unlikely that I was going to hate the horse in one ride (I can’t remember the last time that happened). It was also pretty unlikely that I was going to completely be head-over-heels in love after one ride either. I needed to make as unemotional a decision as possible and decided to completely trust Alison’s instincts and her experience. The horse came North when Alison did and I decided to re-name her “Ruby” (show name, “Ruby Slippers”).

Competition

King Oak Spring Horse Trial, May 9th, 2009:


Ruby had only been in NH and with me for a couple of weeks before the King Oak Spring Horse Trial. Alison rode her in the BN division and they came in fourth!

Groton Pony Club Schooling 3-Phase, May 17th, 2009:

My first competition with Ruby. Groton Pony Club is a local schooling event that offers divisions from mere inches off the ground (and walk-trot dressage tests) up to Novice (fences of 2’11”). Since Ruby and I were new to each other, both of us were pretty green and because I hadn’t really competed in something like 30 years (yes, really), I entered in the 2-foot division. We came in third! I still think that judge was extremely generous with the dressage scoring though.

Apple Tree Farm 2-Phase, May 25th, 2009:

Apple Tree Farm 2-Phase Schooling show. This is our barn 2-Phase, they run a few of them throughout the year. I again entered in the 2-foot division and we came in second. I think that I should have entered the division above, however. I was being conservative.

Groton House Summer Classic, June 21st, 2009:

A schooling event that happened to coincide with a crazy nor’easter. We bumped up to the “Elementary Division” (2‘3” jumps) for this event. I remember walking the cross-country course in the morning and wishing that I was entered in the division above (Beginner Novice - 2’7” jumps). It ended up being both a terrible and a positive experience, Ruby did a fantastic impression of a bucking (and spooking and bolting) bronco for the entire day. I don’t know how I stayed on and got through it. And I don’t know how I managed to restrain myself from scratching our entry, although I was extremely tempted to do so throughout the day. We even ended up with a decent (for us) dressage score and clear jumping rounds for both stadium and cross-country. I was very happy to end the day in one piece, but wasn’t looking forward to repeating that crazy experience any time soon.

UNH Summer Horse Trial, July 19th, 2009:

My first sanctioned event and (of course) a bump up to Beginner Novice (2’7” jumps). I remember walking both the stadium and the cross-country courses in the morning and feeling absolutely terrified. Our dressage test was unfortunate, but we redeemed ourselves in the jumping phases. I decided to get over my fear and hesitation and my former insistence on trotting almost everything and went for it. We had one rail in stadium, but went clear for cross-country -- having a lovely and bold round. I ended the day thrilled and so happy with Ruby and very excited for our future together. Oh and we managed to pull off 8th place too!

King Oak Fall Horse Trial, September 12th, 2009:

This event was most notable for me because I feel like we redeemed ourselves a bit with our dressage test. It was not wonderful by most standards, but it felt so much better to ME. Almost as if we had maybe turned a corner and were headed in the right direction. I feel like we also had a pretty good stadium round, but our cross-country round was so-so, since I managed to incur significant time faults (we were otherwise clear, however).

UNH Fall Horse Trial, October 3rd, 2009:

Dressage Day

and:

Stadium & Cross-Country Day

Our final competition of the season and what I felt was our best performance. The dressage test was SO much better. Our stadium was clear, but I managed to incur a couple (2.8) of time faults on cross-country. Even though I had the time faults, I feel like this cross-country round was so much smoother and more even than any of the other XC courses we had done previously. If I had been slightly less conservative and had been willing to canter through the water obstacle (which Ruby had wanted to do) we would have been fine with time, I was kicking myself afterwards. Anyway, we managed to pull in 7th place and I was very satisfied with our performance.

All-in-all I am very happy with how I progressed with my riding over the past year. I did everything I had hoped to do and more. I think one of my goals was to MAYBE do a sanctioned event at Beginner Novice level -- and I managed to do three of them, so I was quite happy with my progress, with Ruby’s progress and with our performance overall. Additionally, I feel like over the past months we have been building a solid partnership and that I’ve gotten a bit braver and bolder and (hopefully) a little more solid in my skills. I have so many things that I need to work on and improve, but I feel like I have a much better idea of what these specific things are. I feel like I have a more defined idea of where my weaknesses are and am more focused than I was this time last year. I have some ideas of what my goals are for 2010, but will write them up in another blog post.

Jenny Craig Freak

So, I blew off the Jenny Craig appointment that I had scheduled on Monday. It was a holiday and I felt like I just couldn’t deal at all, so I just didn't go. I’ve never done that before. I knew that I more or less had enough dinners left in my freezer to make it through a week, but not enough breakfasts. I considered just waiting until next week for the next appointment because breakfast has never really been much of a problem for me and I could eat oatmeal and yogurt for a week. But I decided that it was better to try and fit something in.

So, I called JC yesterday to reschedule and the woman who answered exclaimed and gushed, “oh I am SO glad that you’re going to reschedule! It means that you’re sticking with the plan!!!” (yeah lady, whatever) This implied that she was just oh SO excited about my commitment to the program, the crazy freak, but it of course came across as completely insincere. Do people really fall for this crap? I knew exactly who this woman is, she is nuts and I always try to avoid her when I go to the center. When she told me that Sue (my usual counselor) was not in yesterday, but that there would be “someone” available to see me, I just knew that it was going to end up being her.

I was right. Once I got there and realized that I was going to be dealing with her, I told her flat out that I was not going to be weighed by her. She wondered that I didn’t want to know how I did – does she think that I don’t own a scale? The last thing I wanted to do was hash out my lack of progress with this completely insincere person who I can’t stand. At least Sue is low key and real, I just can’t stand phonies. When she realized that she was getting nowhere with me on the scale thing, she dragged me into an office and started gushing and exclaiming over how great I look and about how much weight I’ve lost. It was all a bunch of total bullshit. Then she launched into the whole “what are your motivators for losing weight” thing and I just completely shut down. I had been talking to her and trying to be polite, really biting my tongue trying not to snap at her. But when she came out with this, I just stopped and said, “You know? I really don’t want to do this. I just want my food”. Yes, I was a total bitch, but I couldn’t stand one more second of it.

I mean, as I’ve written before, I know that this is just some BS Jenny Craig rhetoric and that they’re scripted to ask this kind of thing. But I have many varied and personal reasons for wanting to lose weight and to get fit. I am certainly much more athletically minded than anyone in the JC office and my goals have very little to do with wanting to wear a size 2 dress or whatever. Absolutely nothing anyone in that office is going to say or ask is going to make me wake up and suddenly think deeply about some life changing reasons that had never occurred to me before. That is just never, ever going to happen with these people and especially with some silly phony like this crazy woman (and, by the way, Sue had told me before that there have been a lot of complaints about her, so I’m not the only one who feels this way).

My reasons and motivations for losing weight aren’t really all that private, frankly. I mean, I certainly discuss them enough here. But I just have no desire to sit in a room and go over them with some clueless, ridiculous, stranger who is just reading off some stupid script and wants write my answers down on a piece of paper so she can enter it in a database to prove that she “did her job” or whatever. No freaking way. This is my life, my life and my problems or issues are not open to you just because you have some stupid script to follow. I’ve been doing this for a year now and I’m just exhausted and these kind of BS questions make me even more weary of the whole thing. Don’t get me wrong, I am still a Jenny Craig fan and I think the program works. It certainly has worked very well for me for about 50 lbs. But I really could do without silly, phony people like this woman and their canned questions. I really just don’t have the patience for any of that at all, at this stage. I wish I could just go in there, chat a moment with the counselor of my choice, get my food and leave already.

Another Crappy Monday Weigh-In

Another bad weigh-in day at Jenny Craig. I was exactly the same weight today that I was last week on their scale (and the week before). To the damn ounce. Which is actually about 1.4 lbs up from my weigh-in there at the beginning of January. Phooey. I'm trying not to get too upset or frustrated about it, but it's very hard not to be pretty disappointed. I told my counselor that I just didn't want to talk about it. I'm willing to weigh in (which is really saying a lot) and I want to buy my food, but I really don't want to sit there and analyze all this stuff with her.

I'm thinking of maybe going to my doctor to, well, first get my thyroid checked (since my medication does end up needing to be adjusted from time-to-time), but to also see if she could refer me to a dietitian or nutritionist or something. Maybe I'll wait until the weather warms up, maybe my body is hanging onto weight as sort of a hibernation mode thing or something for Winter. Maybe the weight-loss will naturally kick in again with Spring. I sound like I'm grasping at straws. I guess I am kind of grasping at straws here. Whatever.

On a good note: I ran 2.something miles on the treadmill this morning, alternating running intervals of 10 minute miles - 9:05 minute miles (intervals of 2-4 minutes each) with one-minute intervals of fast walking (16:13 minute mile pace). After that I had a personal training session, during which I became oddly light-headed during the walking lunges exercise. That was weird, I've never had that happen with a workout with him before. Anyway, I gutted myself through it and finished the rest of the workout with no problems. Tonight I got on the treadmill at home and did some running repeats for another two miles (alternated 1-3 minute intervals of running of 12 minute mile - 10 minute mile pace with 1 minute intervals of fast walking at 16:30 minute mile pace). So, I feel pretty good now, despite the disappointing weigh-in today.

Self-Sabotage

I had a bad weekend. An off-plan weekend. Despite my resolve to do something active at some point on the weekend, I did nothing. I didn’t even go riding, even though we had some unseasonably warm weather today. Yesterday I made the mistake of going off to Target before having lunch, so on the way home I was so hungry that I talked myself into stopping at a pizza place and getting a sub sandwich to bring home for lunch. To make up for it, I made sure that I ate the lightest Jenny Craig meal that I had in the freezer last night for dinner and didn’t “volumize” it at all, but still, I’m sure the damage was already done. Today I’ve stuck completely on plan, except for the not exercising thing. At least I didn’t screw the food up though. This is probably a big reason why I can’t seem to lose weight. I do everything right for most of the week, but then manage some slip-up that sabotages everything and wipes out all my good efforts for the week. It is days like this that bring back my old mantra chant, “I hate myself”. I am very conscious when I start this and always manage to nip it in the bud, knowing how non-productive it is. But it sill manages to slip out (and many times out loud) with an unsettling regularity.

I don’t know what else there really is to do, other than to get back on plan and continue on. One thing I have to say is that I think I’m smart to plan one of my training sessions for Mondays. At least I manage to start the week off on the right foot. It’s a shame that Jenny Craig weigh-in day has to be the same day, but that’s what works with my schedule the best. So, I’m trying not to beat myself up too much and just move on from my mistakes. I have to do better though, I must do better. I WILL do better.

This is my seat on the couch:



Notice how little space they leave for me. Sheesh.

My Body is Whack.

So after yesterday's debacle of weigh-ins, I weighed in this morning exactly two pounds less than I did yesterday morning. 2. Pounds. Of course I know that I did not lose two real pounds in one day, which means that my body has been holding on to two extra pounds of water for, what? Four days or something? That's just ... F*ed up. Seriously. Whatever, I'm sure I'll be watching these same two pounds fluctuate for yet another week. I'm half tempted to call my Jenny Craig counselor and tell her about it, so that she doesn't think I'm a complete loser. This is causing such a roller coaster of emotions for me lately, I really need to get over myself. Okay, enough obsessing about the scale, for the next couple of days anyway. Sheesh.

Edited to Add

Well, the news at Jenny Craig was as grim as expected. Maybe even more so. My counselor just stared at me helplessly not knowing what to say. I told her that I'm thinking of quitting because I can't stand it anymore. I just wish that I felt that I was getting somewhere, or could get somewhere, even if at a slow pace.

On a good note: I ran 3.25 miles or so and had a personal training session today. My trainer is switching up our workouts this week too, so it was all new stuff today. Which means I'll probably be pretty sore tomorrow, as well as after Thursday's session. I wish I had a massage scheduled for this Saturday, instead of last. Would it be really decadent of me to schedule another? Hmmmmmm.