News Flash!

The train this morning was… ON TIME! It’s like some kind of miracle or something. That damn LIRR sure does keep you guessing.

hmmmmmm, fresh strawberries are gooooood…

what's not so good is dropping said fresh strawberries in your lap (especially while wearing light-colored pants). Sheesh!

and for the second day in a row...

…where the fuck was the fucking train???? ARGH!!!!!! #$@*&%^#$$#@!%^ LIRR!!!

Back-Handed Compliment

On my way back through town after a long walk/run with Lola-the-Pug, a group of people are on their way into a restaurant. One guy has to pause as his party continues on in and stop me to exclaim, "'He' looks just like you!" Uh, thanks. I guess.

And the Question for this Morning Is...

…Where the FUCK is(was) the FUCKING train! ARGH!!!!!!!! Rat Bastard LIRR!

 

 

You Know When...

…You’ve been spending too much time at work and/or not enough time at the gym when you repeatedly try to show your work id to gain access to the gym, while not understanding why the gym receptionist is looking at your id blankly and at you strangely. Monday spinning was good though, the really tough instructor was absent so we had a substitute – a nice reprieve, I didn’t know how I was going to handle her class last night, had she been there.

Note to Self

Why can't you remember that wine is not your friend? Stick to beer, you know what to expect from beer. Feeling really special today.

Can Someone Tell Me Why

While sitting on a nicely air-conditioned train this evening (on a relatively mild, low-70s, day) I all of a sudden became so unrelentingly hot that I felt that I would surely burst into flames at any second? Don't tell me it's hormones, please don't tell me it's hormones. I know, I know, it's probably hormones. UGH!

I don't know why I can't make myself remember how good I feel after exercising

Had a very pleasant Spinning class last night -- I really like the Thursday night class. Thursdays instructor really does a very well-rounded class (there is a little bit of everything), I always come out of there feeling like I've had a great workout, yet her class is not so overwhelming that I dread it. I wish she taught on some other nights at that location. Spinning was followed by two cold beers at a local bar. I think we showed incredible restraint.

On an unrelated note:

I have been struggling for months writing SQL queries to pull data for many of these reports I've been writing for one of my Business Intelligence projects -- I have had no class in SQL query writing, nor do I even have a book, so it's been a real struggle, especially as the table structure for this one project is very complicated (and more complicated than it needs to be, I might add -- and I'm not the only one who thinks so, but now we're getting into politics so whatever). Anyway, I've been trying to write some SQL functions not even knowing the syntax (and I've been doing okay considering) but this morning, finally, in desperation I went to a director in my group and asking if anyone here has a "freaking SQL book on query writing?????" and he says, no, but everyone just uses this great online book that comes with the Query Analyzer. Uh, huh??? Now I don't know if I should feel incredibly stupid for not discovering this great tool that has been at my disposal for all these months, or angry & bitter that no one has told me about it (because, believe me, I've been complaining about not even being allowed to take a class in this stuff). And here I am doing random Google searches every day trying to sniff out examples of what I need and I had this resource on my desktop here all along. Anyway, either way I feel like a total idiot. Duh!!!

Finally

The oppressive, stifling heat in the North East has finally broken! I feel like a new person. Seriously.

Putting Things into Perspective

After my whiney post last week about being snubbed by some women in my department at work, I received a phone call from a former friend of mine (S) who wanted to let me know about some parties that were happening over the weekend out in the suburban NJ town where I grew up. The parties were all surrounding my high school reunion which she assumed that I already knew about. I didn't (nor did I care to know).

So, S and I used to be pretty good friends, but over the years we have drifted apart because of our different lifestyles and circumstances. She is a stay-at-home mom living in the suburban town where we grew up and I, well, am not. S was also the type of overly-dramatic friend that used to gravitate to me (or did I gravitate to these kinds of friends? I've never been able to figure it out). I'm the quiet, shy, introverted sort. I tend to be somewhat socially retarded. However, I have found myself many times in my life with these extremely extroverted friends. The kind of people who must have major drama going on in their lives or they're not happy. S was probably the most extreme example of this. She couldn't just have a boyfriend, but would have to have an abusive, jealous boyfriend who she was sneaking around on. She didn't just have a job, but a job where her boss was hitting on her, and where she was being sabotaged by everyone else in the place. She didn't just have a husband, she had a husband with Mafia ties who would kill her (literally) if she tried to leave. I could tell stories about visiting her in NJ at the house she shared with her former (Mafiosi-wannabe) husband and having to sneak out of the house, rolling the car down the driveway to meet some other guy at a club, she ditching me there as soon as she hooked up with the guy. Even up until a few years ago I could have a conversation with her on the phone for over an hour and hang up realizing that I had never even said one word about myself or about what was going on with me (not that it was ever much in comparison to her drama). It was an exhausting friendship and one that I just did not have the energy to cultivate, finally. We never had a falling out, but I just allowed things to fade. I handled it very immaturely by not returning phone calls, not letting her know when I was going to be in the area, etc. Kind of the way you allow a romantic relationship that is not clicking to fade away. I've found in my friendships like this (and there have been others) that it becomes very one-sided, that it is all about the one person. I look up one day and realize that I don't have a life, that I'm living vicariously through the drama of the other person. Anyway, I decided at some point that these kinds of friendships generally aren't healthy for me and so, I just decided to gently let go of my friendship with S. We still will talk on the phone from time to time, and I feel no need to hurt her by declaring that I no longer want to be friends. I think by now she's realized that we live completely different lives.

Anyway, a couple of years ago she called me after a long period of time of no communication at all. In the couple of years since I had last spoken with her, she had been through a breast cancer diagnosis, chemotherapy, radiation, masectomy. Basically, she had been through Hell. Her life had become a real drama of the kind no one ever wants to experience. In our conversation on Friday she revealed to me that she had recently been to the Mayo clinic to consult about possibly having some reconstructive surgery done, but that it turned out to be impossible because her masectomy was so radical (basically there is no muscle at all left on the chest wall). She remained (always) very upbeat about it all, thankful that she is here. That is one thing I have to say about S, she always was very upbeat and energetic. That call from her on Friday really put my petty little problems with the personalities at work into perspective. So, there are people who don't like me here, there are far worse things in life. They can have their clique, I enjoy my work here and have a good working relationship with the people who matter. More importantly, I'm healthy and have options in what directions I can go in life. Life could be far, far worse.

ARGH!

So Sick of This High School Shit!

 

My group at work used to be such a congenial bunch. Everyone was friendly and helpful, we routinely all went out to lunch together or out for drinks after work. My best-friend-for-life Sandra worked here and there were a couple of other female colleagues with whom I was pretty friendly. The rest of the group was men and we all got along and functioned well as a team. Well, more and more the dynamics of this group has deteriorated. I blog about it a little bit from time to time. I’ve finally gotten to the point where I just put my head down and work with as little interaction with the people around here as possible. I talk to a couple of people in the group when I need to for work-related stuff, but that’s about it. There is a new generation of women in this department now who are some combination of bitchy and silly. They group together and spend a lot of time at each others’ desks whispering and gossiping and bullshitting and they band together like a high school clique. I hate these kinds of games and pretty much refuse to play, plus I think it’s completely unprofessional (you don’t see men doing that kind of crap around here). When presented with this cliquish attitude I tend to retreat even more into my introverted nature. This morning I was in the pantry on our floor making my cereal. A couple of these chicks came in and no one said a word to me. A third one joined them who did say hello to me and chit-chatted for a second (she is also one from the “old” generation when the group still operated as a team). The Giggler came in and joined the clutch of tittering and BSing. Then the one chick pulls out some Tupperware and starts cutting up some cheesecake that she brought in to share and starts offering it around to everyone. To everyone except me. It was so glaringly obvious that I was being completely snubbed. I don’t really care about the stupid cheesecake, but it’s just the principle of being so blatantly excluded that really gets under my skin. I feel so demoralized by it all, I feel like I’m invisible around here sometimes.

 

 

Yeowch!

Went Spinning tonight and I mustn't have ever worn the shorts I brought with me spinning before because they caused me to chafe in places you don't ever want to chafe -- GAH! Sadly, there was no beer after spinning tonight either. Good workout anyway.

Wistful

 

Chrissy has been regaling me for the past week or so with stories of a couple with whom she is friends who are moving to the Upper Westside of Manhattan next month. They found an apartment, were approved and are now all excited with anticipation. It all just makes me so incredibly jealous and wistful for my old Upper Westside life. Since she’s told me about this, I find myself in my free time scouring both the NYTimes.com Real Estate section and my own personal finances hoping to see something that would make such a move possible. It’s a pipe-dream of course. I just don’t know if I could ever justify that amount of money spent on an apartment (a rental, no less) even if all of my debt was completely paid off. Maybe if I was making significantly more money. I do know that I could not go back to living in the same broke-ass, desperate state I was in the last time I lived in Manhattan. It sure would be nice to live close to Central Park again though.

Testing my Blog-by-Email set up. Weee!!!!

HEAT!!!

After a great nights sleep, I got up a little early and took Lola the Pug for a bit of a walk this morning. I didn't really know what to expect for the weather since I had had my air-conditioning on all night and had not turned on the news, prior to leaving, but once we were outside, the heat and swampy humidity hit me like a ton of bricks. UGH! This is The Most dreaded weather for me. Still, I took Lola on a nice, brisk walk up to Forest Park and up and down a couple of the hills inside the park, before turning around and coming home. All together we probably did around two miles (all just walking, no running). Once we stopped walking, my pores opened up and the sweat just started pouring out of me. I took a lukewarm shower, blasted my A/C, took my time getting ready and gave myself some extra time to walk to the train station in an effort not to aggravate that over-heated feeling too much. Luckily the train was nice and cool and I don't have to walk anywhere from Penn Station. Now I'm going to sip cold water for awhile and try to cool down. I hate this stinking heat.

Spinning Again -- yeah

Ellen, Ken and I, by consensus, have decided to eschew
Evil Spinning Instructor (the Tuesday night class we used to go to) and so I decided to meet them for a spin tonight. Ellen had taken this class last week and said that it was good and I felt like it was a good way to start off the week, especially on such a muggy day where I was going to be hard pressed to talk myself into schlepping around outside for any length of time after work. Well. I couldn't believe how tough this class was! There was literally no break at all. We just kept climbing and increasing pace, and increasing pace and climbing. You could have wrung me out like a wet rag by the end of the class. It was oddly satisfying. Ellen said afterwards (when I commented on the "no break" thing), "oh yeah. I forgot to tell you about that." Sheesh!

The Summer Lovers

This morning I was in the pantry at work making my cereal and I was talking to a co-worker. There was also this chick in the room cutting up her grapefruit. This is the conversation that ensued:

C-W (to me): "Hi Deb, how are you?"
Me: "Hi, I'm okay and you? Oh you're probably loving life, this is your weather!" (I know that he loves Summer -- he's also originally from one of the Caribbean islands).
C-W: "Yep, I love it, and I know you hate it."
Me: "Yeah, I hate Summer."
Chick: (pipes up, completely incredulous) "You HATE it? How can anyone hate this weather???!!!
Me: "Well, I just hate being hot. It's the humidity that gets to me, if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't mind so much. Besides, in New York, there's no escaping the heat, with all the pavement everywhere, etc."
C-W: "Well, maybe (Summer in) NY is not for you." No kidding.

The chick then just goes on & on ranting to my co-worker about how she can't believe that anyone wouldn't just love this weather. I could hear her going on about it as I walked down the hallway away from the pantry. What is the big, freaking deal? I prefer Fall and Spring in NYC, so sue me. Why does everyone have to be just. like. you. Besides, if I were tall and statuesque (like her) and looked great in a tank top and short, ruffly skirt (what she was wearing) I might just love Summer too. As it is, I'm short and tubby and have horrible arms that I can't stand to show and I sweat a lot. I do like the long days and hours of sunlight, however.

Hot Summer Saturday

I was supposed to get up this morning, get myself together, get on a train and meet Ellen in Chelsea for a spinning class. Well, that didn't happen -- tossed & turned for a long time last night and woke up with a horrific, pounding headache (and, no, I was not drinking last night -- not one drop). So, in lieu of the spinning class, I waited until this afternoon and brought Lola to Forest Park for a long walk/jog. It was very hot today, mid to upper 80s with some amount of humidity, probably the hottest day so far this year. I wore my heartrate monitor and brought an ice cold bottle of water for Lola. We went for a few miles (somewhere in the neighborhood of 3 to 4) on the hiking and bridle trails of the Park. I allowed Lola off the leash for the parts on the hiking trails and she was very good and stayed right on my heels, regardless of whether the leash was on or not. For the portion of our outing that we were in the Park (the walk up there & back was warm-up & cool-down) I concentrated on keeping my heartrate between 135 and 155. When I was at 134/136 I would run, when I got up to 155 or so, I would walk. Of course, even just walking at a good clip up some of the steeper hills caused the HR to spike. Anyway, all in all, it actually felt like a good workout. Lola seems pretty tired now too, and a tired dog is a happy dog.

Getting Old

Okay so after spinning last night, Ellen, Ken and I went for a beer at this divey bar near Penn Station where we like to go. We haven't all seen each other in a while and we wanted to catch up, so we ended up having three pints each. I came home and sat around and drank this huge bottle of water before going to bed. So, why do I now feel like I was out drinking for half the night? Three light beers would have been like water to me a few years ago -- gah! Seriously getting old.

It's a Miracle

I actually went spinning tonight. And, yes, there was beer afterwards. heh.

I know that this will sound weird but...

I am almost glad to be back to work today. After three days of laziness and lonliness, it's actually kind of nice to be back to a schedule and some good productive work. I must be nuts.

Old Busybody

There is this old woman who lives in my building who is always in everyones' business. She has lived in this building since the 40s (yes, since WWII) and thinks she knows everyone and everything. I can't stand her. Every year she shows up at our co-op meeting (because some owner or another decides not to come and has given their proxy to her to vote) and, even though she's a renter (rent-controlled, three-bedroom apartment, probably paying half what I pay to live in a two-room studio), she has to speak up throughout the entire meeting with her opinions, suggestions and complaints. Many times bringing up her own apartment issues (sorry, this is an owner's meeting, we are not here for your stupid agenda, so shut the F up). Anyway, so I was taking Lola out for a walk this afternoon and she was standing by the side of the building talking to Sam, our super. Lola always likes to stop and say "hi" to Sam, since she loves him (and he, her), so of course we stop. Well then the old witch has to start exclaiming about how fat Lola is. Loudly and animatedly. Then she has to argue with me that I must be feeding her too much and also feeding her scraps from the table. First of all, it's none of your damn business what I do with my own damn dog. Secondly, how dare you practically accuse me of something that A) I don't do, and B) it's none of your business, if I did. And lastly, I know that my dog could use to lose a few pounds, but the last time we were at the vet (a few weeks ago) she was actually the same weight that she had been a year ago, so she actually is not any heavier at all. What she probably wanted to say was that I had gotten fat. The freaking old, nosy, bitch. I should have said, "wow, it really looks like you got very old this Winter". This is one of the reasons why I prefer dogs to most people. Stupid old crone.

Working Whirlwind

Things have been crazy for me at work for the last couple of months, crazy in mostly a good way. I have basically gotten (without exaggeration) about six months worth of work done in about two months. I had a status meeting late yesterday afternoon with two users on one of my projects and they were thrilled with the progress, so that was a big relief. My other huge project that wrapped up on May 13th was a big success and those users were very happy as well. All of a sudden after my meeting yesterday, I looked in my project queue and realized that I've basically finished all of my work, there is nothing much staged to be next. Nothing very interesting anyway. It's sort of a weird feeling. I know that there will be plenty of new things to come my way shortly, but in the interim I have a little window of a breather. I actually don't really like it much, I prefer to be busy and feel like I'm making a solid contribution. This would have been a good time to schedule a vacation. Oh well.

Related to the work thing... Luminita called me the other day with information about various head hunters who have been calling people in her group looking for people who have experience in Business Intelligence using our products. Basically what I have years of experience in and what I've lately been spending probably 90% of my time on and what is, really, my forte. The one specific position she mentioned is working for a major bank/financial corporation and the salary was in the neighborhood of 40K more than I am making here. That's $40,000. More. Yikes. Maybe it really is time to brush up the resume and buy some interviewing clothes.

Yikes!

I was just in line behind someone at the Duane Reade who was buying $120 worth of cigarettes. One Hundred and Twenty Dollars. Yikes!

More on Idiots and Stupidity

I forgot the very best part from the story of the police catching the moronic rapist in my town. Apparently, they located the house where he was living and were let into the illegal basement apartment. The house was surrounded with every flavor of cop (remember, the victim had connections) and so here they all come into the room with all their riot gear, etc. The guy is in the room and hiding. On his bed. Under the sheet on top. It just cracks me up, I can picture this guy hiding under a sheet on his bed like a child thinking no one is going to see him! You'd think he would at least have crawled under the bed.


Another idiot last Saturday. I was walking my dog down the street and there is someone walking behind me that I could hear crunching voraciously away on some potato chips. He passes me and shortly afterward tosses his potato chip bag on the ground. GRRRRRRRRRR!
So, sick of issues like this affecting the quality of life around here, I call out to him, "Hey! You dropped something! Pick it up!"
And so he starts yelling, "It's just Goddamn Garbage!"
me (at this point practically screeching): "Yeah, and that's what garbage cans are for! Look there is one right there" (gesturing to one a mere few feet away)
The kid is grumbling, but picks it up and does throw it away. Of course, by now I'm ranting away -- "I mean, look at this place! " (gesturing around the trash littering the ground) "people live here, who wants to look at everyone's trash everywhere... " and on and on. I'll bet that moron will think twice before littering again. If for no other reason than for fear of invoking the rantings of another crazy person like me.

And The Good News Is...

They caught the guy who brutally attacked my neighbor in the basement of my building. Unfortunately for him, this woman's husband is a homicide detective with the NYPD and this case was given a top priority. The idiot had taken her cell phone and kept it, and so they were able to trace him through that (it was found on a table next to the guy's bed). The scary thing is, this guy lived a couple of streets away and admitted to doing 7 other similar attacks in the area. When asked why, he said, "I had had a bad day. My boss had been yelling at me all day. I saw her and wanted her." Unbelievable. He also admitted to strangling her almost to death. Buncha sickos in this World.

AWOL

I know that I've been missing in action. I've been utterly swamped at work. I haven't even had a moment to come up for air. I haven't even had time during the week to just run outside for 10 mins and breathe and see some daylight. I've had no time for personal email and forget about blogging. The urgent project I've been busting my ass to accomplish is wrapping up now however, so I should have a little more wiggle room next week. It's been crazy and stressful, but also oddly satisfying. I've accomplished quite a lot in the last two months at work, but I fear my physical, psychological and emotional life has perhaps taken a hit. Ever since the Big Shake-Up at Work, I have felt on edge and unsettled and not valued and just generally stressed out and insecure. I haven't been sleeping well at all. Adding the urgency of this project to my load has just put me in the redline for the last couple of months. As a result I've been sleeping like crap, eating like crap, and I've been uninspired and unmotivated and emotionally volatile in my personal time. So as this particular assignment starts to wrap up, I need to re-commit myself to taking care of me. That means eating better, sleeping more and working out -- if anyone has any words or stories of inspiration, please let me know, I could really use it now.

On an Unrelated Note:

(Actually, in a weird way it is related because it is just another thing that will add to my current state of mind.)

There was an attempted rape in my apartment building last night. This woman I know was coming into the building through the back door at around 8:30 last night and some punk apparently managed to get in behind her (I am unsure whether she just didn't notice him or if he pushed her in). She was screaming and he started trying to rape her. Apparently the woman's mother was up in her apartment and happened to somehow to have heard her (maybe she started screaming before the door closed). Also, luckily, this woman owns a large (and loud) dog (one of very few in our building and the only big one). The woman's mother came down to the basement with the dog and the dog chased the rapist out of the building. He had managed to already have this her pants off. This all just makes me so upset and angry, and for some reason, even more so after coming off a gut-busting couple of months at work. I just so resent that I work my heart out, that I've been working for half my life, that I pay a huge amount of taxes, mind my own business am a productive and responsible member of the community and yet I live in a 2-room apartment struggling to pay my bills (with not much left over for vacations or many "luxuries") and the place is not even safe. I know this sort of thing can happen anywhere at all, but when it happens inside your own building (not in some alley or somewhere) it just makes you feel even more vulnerable. Anyway, like I've said, I've really been kind of an emotional mess lately. Oh, and the other thing is... I also resent that our Co-op rules state that people are not allowed to own pets, particularly dogs (yes, I own an illegal dog). Well, pets can greatly increase your quality of life, especially if you live alone. And if this woman last night had not owned her dog, there is a very good chance that she would have been raped. I think I'll look into buying a Rottweiler.

I Just Don't Get It

I'll just never understand the sort of person who gets on a crowded, standing-room-only, commuter train with 1 minute to spare, carrying a huge, dripping ice cream cone. I mean, I won't even bring a coffee on the train with me if I think it's going to be crowded. People are weird.

Going to be a BAD Day

ARGH! It's Bring-Your-Freaking-Spawn-from-Hell-to-Work-so-that-They-can-Annoy-Anyone-Actually-Trying-to-Accomplish-Some-Blasted-Productive-Work-Day -- I have a headache already.

Things that Annoy Me

The (freaking) Giggler (aka: "Stinky Lunch Girl") on the other side of my cubicle wall yapping away on the phone and giggling incessantly. When does she freaking work? ARGH!

Sundry

My friend Lares was in town for the weekend and so I joined him for some drinks after work on Friday. He moved way upstate over a year ago and is enjoying his life up there. It was nice to do a Happy Hour for a change, even if it was just in some Penn Station bar.

Walking Lola down the street on Sunday -- a bunch of people walking with strollers and small children ahead of us. One woman keeps looking anxiously over her shoulder at Lola and me, finally stops and stands way over to the side and lets us pass, all while eyeing Lola suspiciously. As we pass I say, "she's not going to hurt ya." Sheesh.

Going for a long walk with the dog tonight, I walk down this footpath down the backside of the small park, on the way to the big park. I see a woman with two dachshunds rooting around in the ground, once hunched in a suspicious "humped" position. Woman sees me noticing, so she tugs the dog and plays innocent, like I didn't almost catch her allowing her dog to poop in a place where she was obviously not going to pick up after it. It crossed my mind to say something, but then decided that one confrontation with a stranger a day is enough. I've met my quota for the day.

Nightmare Neighbors above me finally moved out and the new guy moved in last Tuesday. So far the new guy appears to be unbelievably quiet. So much so that I can't believe my luck and have been holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe the mondo-stereo-unit-with-sub-woofer is on back-order.

Low & Blue

I've been feeling particularly low lately, and I'm not really sure how to get out of my funk. Part of this might be a result of the changes at work, but I don't think my mood can so easily be explained away. The politics and attitudes that surround the atmosphere in my department are demoralizing, to be sure. However, I am in the midst of a busy, interesting project and feel like I've gotten a lot done, that my work on all accounts has been appreciated by the users involved and I have plenty of this work still on my plate, so I know that this productive streak can continue for a while yet. I do feel a slight anxiety that I should be also involved in other projects looming in the department, but I can only do so much at a time and must force myself to relax a bit (the politics are making me tense, I guess). But anyway, I think my blue mood extends beyond work. I just feel like I've got nothing really to look forward to these days. I come home and yes, I can take a walk in the park with the dog (although even that has been hard with the added hours I've been working), but that's all that I have going on. I feel like most of my friends have moved on in their lives, people moving, having babies, otherwise growing and living life and that I'm just stuck in the same old rut I've been in for years and years and years. Most of my local friends now have kids and good for them. But it's hard being a childfree person amidst all the family stuff -- I start to feel like a second-class citizen. My friends also know that I really am not all that interested in kids, so it is easy for me to be excluded from the few social things that do come up. I like the kids and like hearing about the kids, as long as that is not your only topic of conversation (and in the case of my friends, all certainly can and will talk on a myriad of subjects, so no one has really descended into that child-centric moronic sensibility that you see over-take so many parents these days). I guess it's situational, I'm not really all that into going to a child's birthday party, and they're not really all that into finding a babysitter and going out for drinks or for dinner or brunch, etc. In addition to this, Queens depresses me, I walk around outside and there is just so much garbage everywhere. There is a Chinese restaurant on the corner across the street from my apartment and punk kids stand there at all hours of the day and night yelling and cursing. I hate not having a car here, I feel like I am trapped by miles of urban mediocrity with no method to escape. This morning I was on a train coming to work, I was with my neighbor Jerry, and we wanted to sit down in a couple of seats where a woman was resting her feet. On the seat. So we both make a comment about how rude it is to put her feet on the seat when someone is going to have to sit in her filth. Well, she starts going at me (I don't know why she set her sights on me alone) and starts calling me "passive aggressive" etc. And I say, "Well, I'm sorry but it is rude to put your feet on the seat like that -- you've walked around stepped in dog crap and whatever and now someone has to sit in that" She goes off on me and screeching about how she has not stepped in dog crap, etc. (aside: I'm sorry, but I own a dog and even the most conscientious dog owner cleaning up after their dog can't get every bit of it off the street, there is still going to be some residue left behind) -- and besides dog crap, the streets are filthy, I don't care where you live. Even if you've driven yourself in your nice, clean car through your nice, clean suburb, you still have to park that car and walk through a parking lot where there is sure to be all kinds of oil, etc. on the ground. And I'm sorry you're obviously commuting into NYC, I mean, hello? Do you honestly think the streets of NYC are clean? And if you commute with any regularity, your shoes are dirty. Period. Anyway, she starts screeching, "SHUT UP!!!! JUST SHUT UP!!!" Every time I even try to open my mouth to defend my position, "SHUT UP!!!" yet again. Maybe I shouldn't have opened my mouth, but I just find this sort of thing so ultimately inconsiderate and a good illustration of how people are around here (maybe it's like this everywhere, I don't know). It just all made me even more depressed about my life, I just seem to see a neverending stream of examples of this kind of soul-lessness. Maybe it's just me, I don't know, but it really set a cap on my already low mood. I sat down at my desk when I finally got in and just wanted to put my head down and cry.

Why Is It?

Why is it, every year the first time I wear sandals I get blisters? Doesn't matter how old the damn shoes are either. Sheesh!

The Pros and Cons of Working Out in the Morning

Cons

* I hate getting up early in the morning (who doesn't?)
* It takes me longer to wake up and warm up.
* I have to seriously watch the clock during the workout.
* I may have to cut the work-out short if I run out of time.
* It takes forever to cool down.
* I can't just relax after the exertion, but must then rush around and prepare for work.
* My fingers swelling so much that I can't even put my rings on.
* I'm still sweating even after my shower.
* I'm still sweating even after my commute.
* I always feel like I'm rushing.


Pros

* After the initial pain of getting up very early, realizing that it's actually not that bad.
* Having the gym to myself.
* Since I'm starting cold and it takes me a while to warm up, my heartrate is working harder from the very start.
* If at the gym, watching more morning News than I usually get to see.
* That smug feeling of finishing the workout and knowing that it's only about 7 AM.
* Knowing that I don't have to try and squeeze a workout in for the rest of the day.
* Knowing that if I do, I get bonus points (and can feel very smug).
* Starting the day off in a good mood. Well, the jury is still out on this last one.

Nothing like being the first one to arrive to work and the last one to leave

and I'm not getting a raise this year because... why???

and the Good News is...

...the Neighbors-from-Hell are moving on Friday! Yay, it's finally official. Don't know what the person moving in will be like, but she told me that she thinks he's a single guy, so at least that's just one person stomping around instead of two + one hellspawn. On the other hand, it's been my experience living in apartments that single guys tend to be of the loud-stereo-playing-variety of neighbor, but let's just wait and see shall we? Maybe this one will put down a rug or two anyway.

Other People's Noise

So, here it is a beautiful, sunny, 70-degree day and I have to keep my windows shut because some asshole thinks that his right to blast crap music out the open windows, doors and hatch of his parked car is more important than the right of everyone else in the vicinity to quiet enjoyment of their homes. Rat Bastard.

What a Long, Depressing Winter it's been...

I can't ever remember being this affected by a Winter before. I think it was less the bad weather and more the long, dark days that got to me. I've been having a tough time at work too for the last few months so there really hasn't been much in my life that has been any kind of a release from all the various stresses. Even not working out becomes a bonus stress as I worry about what I'm not doing and worry & fret about getting back into it. When I took Lola out this morning around 7:30 I could see that already it was a beautiful day. Moderate but crisp temps, brilliant skies, I knew that I would be a complete asshole if I didn't take at least some advantage of it. I puttered around for part of the day, but finally put on light workout pants, sportsbra, t-shirt, windbreaker and running shoes, leashed up the dog and went off to Forest Park. What a gorgeous day -- the sky was this brilliant blue, this shade that seemed almost a cross between cobalt and periwinkle or something. Lola and I had a good time walking and running on the bridle path trails and meeting the various dogs we happened to pass (including two English Bulldogs, one French Bulldog and a Pug puppy named "Precious"). It was really a very pleasant way to spend part of the afternoon, and, even though my workout effort was completely pathetic (it's very depressing to realize how out of shape I really am), it feels good to have gotten out and done something. I think Lola was happy to move some as well.

The Curse of Coming in Early

I was STARVING by about 10:30. Had to finally run downstairs around 11:15 and get a bagel. Sheesh!

Heart-Broken

I don't think I'm adjusting to the changes at work very well. I've been working hard. I've been coming in early and staying late. But still somehow I feel unsettled and out of sync around here all of a sudden. If this was all merely about shouldering my burden and getting a bunch of work done it would be one thing, but the unsettling feeling is coming all from politics. I kind of feel a bit like a pariah, like it's high school all over again. I was very awkward and unpopular in school. My social pain was so much that I just held on and counted it as limbo time until my real life could begin. I figured that once I became an adult, everything would change. Well, that is and is not true. I certainly became a lot more poised. I learned how to find people in life that I could count on (for the most part). I figured out what was important and what wasn't and if someone didn't like you, well, who needs them anyway? But still, I find the parallels in real life to that horrible time in school all the time. It's particularly disconcerting when I come up against it in my work environment because then there is really no escaping it. I can't just shrug it off and go play elsewhere. I've always felt like my department here was a good team, but lately and more and more I feel like it's become a popularity contest. Just little things make me feel snubbed. For instance: a colleague who moved to Seattle a few months ago is in NYC this week and so an email was sent around about people going out after work with her. No problem. I wasn't sure if I was going to go, it being a Tuesday and all, but it was nice to have the option. No more word was said about where and when, etc. But I was here working away around 5:30 - 6:00 PM or so -- I had been in the same spot, the same position literally since 8 AM. And I hear the Director of my department come around to the cube across from me and ask the guy who sits there (Mark) if he was going to come out with them. I heard her mumble where they were going to be and that they were leaving then. Do you think she popped her head into my cube? I was sitting right there and I know that she knew it too. I hate this shit. I feel like it doesn't matter how hard I work, if I'm not on some arbitrary "A" list then I am just a working-slug-piece-of-shit-nobody. It wouldn't be as a big a deal if this snubbing was coming from a colleague, but this is the Director of my department. This is the person who determines whether I get a raise, what projects I get to do, and even whether I have a job!It's like high school all over again and I can't stand it.

So. Stressed. Out.

MY GOD

The radio station I'm listening to is playing "Y.M.C.A." by The Village People. I mean. My God.

I Take It Back, So Far This Year Sucks

Between my sister having to leave her wonderful town, my job woes, the on-going issues with asshole neighbors, my inability to commit to any kind of consistent workout, my dwindling desire (and the dwindling opportunities) for social events & encounters... and now (this just in) I just heard a rumor from a neighbor that my building has just sold the apartment beneath me -- which has always been used as a Sales Office and thus has always been empty (except for the occasional Board meeting or whatever). Having no one living underneath me has been the saving grace of living here, the one thing that is keeping me sane at the moment. I can't even imagine how my quality of life is going to sink once I've got a whole set of new noise to deal with! I'm sitting here freaking out just thinking about it -- ARGH!!!!

So Far, So Good

Well, so far the little reorg in my department at work seems to be going well. I've had a lot of work dumped on me, but I've handled it and have gotten a shitload done which has been pretty satisfying, and I've been enjoying the communication I seem to have with the new manager and I also feel like he's been on top of relaying my efforts to upper management, so that's a good thing as well. I'm feeling a little better this week too, not quite as fragile as I've felt for the past week or so. My old manager is acting so weird around me though, almost as if he's tip-toeing around me. Like he's afraid of me or something. Or feels sort of guilty about what happened. And he's been uber-nice. Scary nice. Oh well, I might as well enjoy it while I can, before he goes back to his crotchedly old self again. I'm sure this will just be a short-lived little interlude.

Laundry and "Family" Buildings

When I lived in Manhattan my building was mostly comprised of single people. We had a miserable little laundry room in the far reaches of the basement -- two old, clunky washers and one dryer. I would sometimes stay up late at night just to use these "facilities" without having to fight with someone over it. If I had a day off during the week laundry was always the first thing on the agenda. Blissfully, I could pretty much count on having everything to myself. Now that I live in Queens I have a much better laundry room. Slipping in to throw a load into the wash is rarely a problem at all. Although, interestingly, the weekends tend to be very quiet in the laundry room, yet the weekdays (especially mornings and afternoons) are completely crazy. I have today off and since I put off doing my laundry all weekend long (for no good reason), I figured that I would do it today. Well, the facilities were packed. I never knew there were so many people home during the day around here. I've noticed the laundry situation on other weekdays that I've been home too. Interesting how the demographics of a building can change these dynamics. The other strange thing is, I run into people in the laundry and in the elevator and in the halls whom I have never, ever even seen before. Okay, maybe one or two could be a cleaning lady or a nanny, but I was just on the elevator with some woman who was wearing a royal blue velour housecoat. Never seen her before. Ever. It's like the people who live here live in strange shifts or something. You throw your schedule off a little bit and you run into other people you never knew existed. Like they're living on the swing shift or something.

Quiet

Easter Sunday and it's pretty quiet around here. The kid upstairs was doing a whole lot of (top of the lungs style) screaming and running around a little while ago, but even that seems to have quieted down now. I'm not religious, I certainly eschew organized religion anyway, so I have no real affiliation with this particular day. However there is that mild sense in the back of my mind that I should be doing something today, that I should be with someone. It's certainly not the blatant-in-your-face loneliness I usually face on Christmas, but it is there lurking in the shadows somewhere.

Draining

Well, it's been a very busy and emotionally draining week at work for me. Last Thursday I was informed that the person who has been my manager for YEARS was no longer going to be my manager and that I was now going to be reporting to the manager of our frontline application support area. This in and of itself isn't horrible news and has the potential to actually be a good change, but there are some roiling politics at hand here too that has me very nervous and somewhat upset. Additionally, and probably somewhat as a result of this change, my workload has increased to a point where I'm pretty swamped. Today I was informed by my former manager that the suite of web reports that were recently just thrown at me to do are a "hot" issue and to "be careful". WTF is that supposed to mean??? He went on to say that everything I've done so far is "perfect", blah, blah, blah. Well, how am I supposed to come away from a meeting like that? Is someone out to get me? I frankly like having a lot of work to do. I like sitting down at my desk in the morning and looking at my watch in shock to see that it's 3 PM and I haven't even thought about lunch yet. I like going home in the evening satisfied that I put in a really good days work. I just hate, hate, HATE office politics. I can't stand the feeling that I am being undermined in some way. I've been on the verge of hyper-ventilation all week long and it hasn't had a thing to do with my workload.

I'm pretty happy that I have another long weekend, that's for damn sure.

On Being a Responsible Dog Owner

Someone actually thanked me last night for cleaning up after my dog. Made my whole weekend. Seriously.

ACK!

My DVR is not working!!!! It's all #@$%&*ed up. I just can't go back to watching commercials now. I just can't. *sob*

Ah... Spinning

Finally got back to a Spinning class last night and it felt very good indeed. I especially needed it yesterday as I had a horribly bad day at work. Terrible, terrible day. The beer after Spinning was a welcome bonus as well. Of course, yesterday being St. Patrick's Day, I had to contend with all the drunks coming home on the crowded trains. I found a place to sit on a 3-seater with a bunch of people who had obviously been partying all day long. They kept asking me questions and engaging me in conversation and I was just not in the mood at all. Finally, the one guy (drunkest of the lot) put his head on my shoulder, presumably because he could no longer hold it upright. If I hadn't been in such a bad mood I might have found all of this amusing, however as it was, I was very happy to only have to be on that train for fifteen minutes or so. At least no one threw up on me, so that's a plus.

I HATE Noise!

I don't care if it's a car alarm, the loud-incessant giggling of the chick next to me at work, the screaming of the freaking hellspawn upstairs, or someone's loud-ass, head-banger music played so freaking loud that it creeps into the space of everyone around them, I just hate it. It stresses me out and makes me completely crazy. The chick who lives across the hall from me does this. Her loud music can be heard at all hours (this morning it started sometime before 8 -- I could hear it from where I was standing brushing my teeth in my bathroom -- an external hallway, my entranceway, my hallway and a dressing room away). Sometimes she cranks it up starting around 11 PM. I'll take Lola out for the final pee of the night, wincing at the noise. I'll be out on the street and can still hear the music blasting, even though her windows don't face where I am on the street and it's Winter, so her windows are closed. I just don't understand why it has to be so loud? Why does it have to be so LOUD??? If I shared a wall or a floor/ceiling with her, I would need to be locked up. Seriously. It just worries me about what my new hell will be, once the Hellspawn Family moves out. With my luck some head-banger will move in up there.

GAWD!!!!

So-ever-fricking-busy! At least it's mostly a good kind of busy. Except for that being-pulled-in-10-different-directions part. On that note, a mini-rant:

if I've given you a bunch of brand-spanking-new-complicated-and-involved reports to take a look at. DO. NOT. start contacting me about when I'll have the next one ready before you've even taken 15-freaking-minutes to look at these new ones. And some feedback would be nice too. GAH!

Sheesh!

100 Things About Me

1 ) I was a competitive equestrian (hunters, jumpers and eventing) as a kid & teenager.
2 ) I never imagined my adulthood without a horse in it somehow.
3 ) I have a good sense of direction.
4 ) I love to read so much that sometimes I'll stay up all night to finish a book -- even if I have to be somewhere in the morning.
5 ) I'm bad with money (but am getting better).
6 ) I once lived in Key West for a few months when I was in between jobs and didn't know what to do with my life. I was a cocktail waitress there and lived on tips and had the mother of all tans.
7 ) I usually like animals (especially dogs and horses) more than most people.
9 ) I had a hobby when I was a teenager showing our labrador retriever (who I had trained) in obedience shows.
10 ) I like raw clams.
11 ) James Cagney patted me on the head in a super-market when I was a baby. My father thought he was a dirty old man.
12 ) I once dated a married man. It was a mistake.
13 ) I never went to my High School prom.
14 ) I used to fantasize about writing a novel or working in publishing.
15 ) I'm beginning to suspect that I am destined to be alone.
16 ) I ran a marathon once.
17 ) I worry that I will never run another one, or get back to running in any serious or consistent way.
18 ) I have always had trouble with my weight -- even when I was an active kid.
19 ) I never played with dolls -- in fact, as a kid I always loathed babydolls.
20 ) I never want to have children. I used to think I would have them, just because that's what you're "supposed" to do, but anytime I ever really thought about it, I would be filled with complete panic. One day I woke up and realized that I actually don't have to do this. Instant relief.
21 ) I suspect that people think I hate children. I don't. I do, however, hate indulgent and overly-permissive parents.
22 ) I've had a breast reduction.
23 ) I was brilliant in Geometry in High School. For some reason, it just came completely naturally to me. I sometimes wonder what I could have become if there had been readily available advanced Geometry courses I could have taken from there.
24 ) I worry that I haven't found my true "calling" or "passion" in life (even though I like what I do, I don't consider it a "calling").
25 ) Looking back at my childhood and teenage years, I really feel like I was mostly invisible in my family. I am not really very close to my family now.
26 ) My parents never hugged (us) or said, "I love you". Since my mother died (in 2002) my father will end a voice mail message with "I love you", but he never says it in person.
27 ) I'm worried that I'm too attached to my dog.
28 ) I used to hardly ever get angry, but as I get older, everything seems to make me mad.
29 ) I hate to cook.
30 ) I wore braces when I was in Junior High School. The old-fashioned, rail-road kind.
31 ) I used to know how to sail a boat.
32 ) One Summer during my college years, I used to go to the nude (public) beach and lie out topless.
33 ) I don't currently have a driver's license.
34 ) I used to despise cheese in any form (I'm still picky about it).
35 ) I'm jealous of my father's attachment to his wife's family.
36 ) I usually really like my job and am thankful that I've made it to where I am. I am insecure about my abilities sometimes however, and hate office politics.
37 ) I worry that I'll never have enough money.
38 ) I really am very shy. I self-describe myself as socially awkward.
39 ) Most of my male friends in college were gay. I went to a lot of gay bars.
40 ) Noise stresses me out.
41 ) My evil grandmother (my mother's mother) moved in with us when I was about 13. She once told me to my face that I'd never amount to anything.
42 ) I lost my room (and had to share with my sister) after Evil Grandmother moved in. I've been fiercely protective of my privacy ever since.
43 ) Sometimes I think that I'm not a very good friend.
44 ) I secretly like being short.
45 ) I dislike sub-titled movies.
46 ) I've been jealous of my sister my entire life.
47 ) I was the last person to see my mother alive.
48 ) I can have a very sharp & quick wit.
49 ) I wish I knew more about politics.
50 ) I honestly don't think there is a color that looks terrible on me.
51 ) I love maps & atlases.
52 ) There is nothing I enjoy more than a cold beer.
53 ) I hated living with roommates.
54 ) I dislike having my picture taken.
55 ) I used to love to shop. Now I hate it.
56 ) I haven't worn a skirt in months.
57 ) I had my appendix taken out when I was in Sixth Grade and got a massive infection afterwards and had to have a second operation months later. I almost died. I still have a really ugly scar.
58 ) I have trouble trusting people.
59 ) Monkeys creep me out.
60 ) I broke up a Woody Allen movie set once. I was on my way to work, and they were filming a scene around the corner from my apartment on Broadway and West 78th Street (obviously, when I still lived in Manhattan). They were ready to roll and the production assistant stopped me and asked me to either wait, or cross over to the other side of the street (4-lanes of traffic). I said, "F* That! I have to get to work, you have no right to block the sidewalk and refuse to let me through". I pushed him aside and stomped through the set, all the while various people on mega phones had to announce "hold on! We've got someone coming through!" That PA was pissed, but I was even more pissed by being told that I couldn't walk along a public sidewalk. Especially at rush hour. I later watched that movie and enjoyed a secret laugh when "my" scene came on.
61 ) One of my secret pleasures is watching "Queer As Folk" and "The L Word" on Showtime. I am not gay.
62 ) I fantasize almost every day about living somewhere else.
63 ) I like to stay up late, and sleep late on the weekends. I am also not adverse to taking the occasional nap.
64 ) Another guilty TV pleasure: I've watched every "Real World" season (not necessarily every episode) from the very first season on.
65 ) I sometimes suspect that the fact that no one has ever asked me to marry them (whether or not I wanted to marry him back) means that I'm a loser.
66 ) I have a low thyroid (hypo-thyroid). I take medication for it everyday.
67 ) Lately, I've been thinking about death a lot. As in, what happens after?
68 ) I have very strong and muscular legs -- I also build muscle easily.
69 ) I'm trying to pay off my debt. I have a long way to go, but I'm making progress.
70 ) I saw a scene of Jaws being filmed when I was a kid. We got to walk through and explore the set (Quint's house/shack) beforehand and, as we walked through the set, the director (Steven Speilberg) who was sitting there asked me what had happened to my arm (it was broken and in a sling from a fall from a horse). My father told me later that I should have told him that I was bitten by a shark.
71 ) I love the ocean.
72 ) I don't like board games (or any kind of party game).
73 ) I'm really, really glad to have had the opportunity to live on the Upper Westside of Manhattan, even if I couldn't afford to stay any longer.
74 ) I miss having a car.
75 ) I miss having a morning running partner/friend.
76 ) My "good" grandmother (father's mother) was an alcoholic. She told me a number of times that I was her "favorite". Turns out she told both my brother and my sister the same thing.
77 ) I once danced on the bar at Automatic Slims (a bar in the Meat Packing district of Manhattan).
78 ) I have to wash my hair everyday or I go insane.
79 ) I'm really scared about the conservative, righteous and moralistic direction this country has moved (and continues to move) in.
80 ) On 09/11/2001 when walking North through Manhattan through the crowds of people, listening to the Air Force jets flying overhead, I was walking with a few friends who were all coming up to my apartment, since there was no way out of the City at the time. All of us were trying to reach our families through inconsistent cell phone lines. All of my friends' families were hysterical and desperate to hear that they were okay and desperate to know they were not going to be anywhere near danger. When I finally reached my parents, my father said, "oh hi Deb, what's new?" What's NEW? and I said, "well, I just thought you might like to know that I'm okay." My father answered, "yeah, your sister was worried about you when she called." And people wonder why I'm not close to my family.
81 ) I've made a lot of really great friends (life-long friends) through the Internet.
82 ) Sometimes I get lonely, but I'd still rather be alone than in a bad relationship, or with the wrong person.
83 ) I enjoy social occasions, but they drain me. I need some alone time afterwards to recover.
84 ) I once jumped off a sailboat and went skinny dipping in Edgartown Harbor, Martha's Vineyard.
85 ) I used to like to fish when I was a kid.
86 ) I haven't traveled much, but I have been to London, Paris, Amsterdam, Mexico and the Caribbean.
87 ) I wish I could work from home once or twice a week.
88 ) I worry that I've worked at my company too long and have diminished my marketability as a result.
89 ) I feel a lot of loyalty to my company because I was given opportunities there that I wasn't seeing in the working world otherwise.
90 ) I have cousins that feel more like brothers to me, than my actual brother does. I wish I saw them more often.
91 ) When I was a teenager, through college age, I used to hitch-hike to get around during the Summer.
92 ) I love to body-surf in ocean waves.
93 ) I learned to ski on weekly Junior High School trips to a local ski place. I saved up babysitting money when I was about 15 and bought myself my own ski equipment. I joined ski clubs with the "Y" and the High School and managed to learn how to ski relatively competently.
94 ) I once rode a mechanical bull at a college dance party.
95 ) I hate to say "no" to any assignment at work, even if I'm swamped with other projects. I'm afraid to let anything go to someone else to do.
96 ) Years & years ago when I worked for a different company, I told a boss that he was being an "asshole" (he was). He backed down. We actually had a good working relationship, and he had a very bad track record with assistants.
97 ) I love home decorating shows.
98 ) I feel self-conscious in social situations and have trouble flirting. Probably explains why I have trouble meeting men.
99 ) My freshman year in college I was having trouble writing well, even though in my literature classes I did very well in class, always had the analysis right, etc. I never could seem to get my thoughts competently down on paper. I made it my mission to learn to write well and so spent many after-class hours with a sympathetic professor my first semester in school. I never had trouble writing well after that.
100) I love to write and I enjoy blogging, but I feel that I perhaps don't reveal enough of myself in my posts. Perhaps the "100 Things" will help loosen me up more.

Fashion Sense

so, I'm watching The Contender (which is surprisingly awesome, btw) and I see an ad for The Tonight Show and see that Ewan McGregor is going to be on (whom I love) so I figure, what the Hell, I'll watch a bit, even though I'm really more of a Letterman fan. And so Jay comes out for the monologue, tagging Drew Carey for some Michael Jackson bits because of some legal issue I don't really care to know about. Anyway, I really enjoy Drew Carey, so that's fine. But. WTF was Jay wearing??? He comes out in a blue blazer (with some kind of subtle plaid) and is wearing: A) a red tie with white polka-dots and, B) brown trousers with (I'm not 100% sure about this, but I swear) pleats. Um, I could be wrong, but doesn't this guy make like a bazillion dollars per episode or something? I mean, I think NBC can afford a stylist and, if not, then if ever there was a case for an intervention of the Fab 5 then here it is (AND! Conveniently, NBC owns THEM as well). Not that I'm such a fashion plate myself, but sheesh! I sit in my little hole listening to The Giggler and smelling curry at lunch-time, he's on National TV every night. But, whatever.

Another Reason to Look Forward to My Long Weekend

To get a break from The (freaking) Stinky Lunch Giggler Girl and her (freaking) stinky lunch and incessant giggling -- ARGH!!!

Long Weekend

It's sad when I have a 4-day weekend coming up and the only thing I'm really looking forward to is being able to get some good sleep and not having to deal with the LIRR for a few days. Then again, after the last two weeks I've had at work, that should actually be enough. If I get some energy later, I might blog about what has done me in this week. I need a vacation.

I Hate You LIRR!!!!

One More Snowstorm

Weird. It was 50-something yesterday and sunny. It was mid-40s and pouring rain this morning and it started snowing at some point (mid-morning or something) and is now around 15 degrees and blowing like mad out. Crazy.

Couple of Pictures of my Living Room

Since I de-cluttered a bit, thought I would post a couple of pictures of my living room. I still have some decluttering to do and it desperately needs to be painted, and the rug is all runched up in the picture (didn't feel like going back and taking the damn pictures again), but you get the basic idea:

Beautiful Weather, Sucky Attitude

It was finally a beee-you-tee-fil day here in NYC, around 50 and sunny. So I decided to go out at lunchtime for the first time in many months and take a walk and get some fresh air. I especially needed it as I had been buried in my putty-colored cubicle all morning ironing out the little quirks on the web report that called my ass into work on my vacation day, after a weekend of cleaning out closets and de-cluttering my apartment while being held captive by the raging-pounding-running-stomping-jumping hellspawn I live beneath all weekend. So a brisk walk was in order. I made it (all the way) to 38th Street (from 32nd). Finally overcome by the pushing and shoving and after being hit in the head by the third bag-hip-shoulder-whatever I decided to turn around in defeat. The neighborhood I work in is just not conducive to the relaxing lunchtime walk. I can see all the craziness converging in this area, but to this day I just can not understand the tourists who have to stop on the corner of 34th & Seventh (or 34th & Sixth), drop all their bags, frantically scramble for their cameras, to take a picture of... Macys! Don't they have a Macys (or similar department store) at the mall they've just come from? I'll just never, ever figure that one out. So, after ducking into the nearest "gourmet deli" and purchasing my $7-three-pieces-of-chicken-and-lettuce-in-a-wrap sandwich, I slunk back to my dismal corner of the cube farm. At least there I was free from bags and appendages swung at my head, wheelie suitcases rammed into my shins and strollers used as battering rams to gain sidewalk and crossing advantage. Sheesh.

But I'm Not Bitter... Okay, Maybe I Am

So irritated. Was supposed to have Monday off (using up leftover vacation time) and now my manager wants me to come in for these last minute emergency web reports he just assigned to me. Even though they were relatively simple and I managed to get them done this afternoon. But, you know, I have to be here in case someone wants to change something. Even though they don't need it until Tuesday afternoon. So. Freaking. Annoying. I was really looking forward to not dealing with the damn LIRR for one day and without having the Sunday night blues for once in my life. But I'll come in, of course I'll come in. Just don't shoot me if I'm bitter about it.

My Humiliation is Complete

After a quick meeting with my boss about a new web report request that I have to drop everything and do, I followed him up to the pantry to get some water. As I turned away from him to retrieve a water jug to replace the empty one on the water cooler, he clears his throat and says, "uh, Deb? Not to embarrass you or anything, but you have a hole in the back of your pants. In fact they're actually shredded up the backside". I feel around to my ass and, sure enough, my jeans are shredded all the way up my fat ass like a huge run in a stocking. Cheap ASS Old Navy jeans! And of COURSE I'm wearing PINK underwear today! I think I'm just going to go crawl under a rock somewhere now. Sob.

Doldrums

I never thought I'd say this but... I really can't wait for this Winter to be over, I've had enough. I hate the heat & humidity of this area so much that I usually start to get a little anxious and depressed as the weather warms up, because I know that Summer is coming. But I've really had enough of Winter this year. And the dark days. I can't ever remember really feeling this way before. Yesterday, all of a sudden there was a little daylight left when I got home from work. I had gotten home around the same time the day before and it had been dark, yesterday, all of a sudden, there was daylight, before the sky quickly turned to a dark, teal blue. It was a little encouraging to see that the days really are getting longer. Finally.

Better...

Okay, the week has gotten much better after it's less-than-stellar start on Monday. I've managed to make great strides on one of my BI projects and am almost ready to move it over for the client to access. That is until the PM decides to change something else that is a crucial element. But I'm not going to worry about that just now.

In related news, we had an All-Company meeting today. We rent out the big auditorium at FIT to hold everybody and then the various mucky mucks speak about where we've been and where we're headed. This is the 30th Anniversary of my company (pretty long history for a software company, actually). For the 20th anniversay, they threw this huge shindig at the Pierre Hotel. Open bar, incredible food, everyone dressed to the nines. This year we had a two-hour meeting in a stuffy auditorium where we were all (all 800+ physically there, as well as field people watching via Web-X) admonished to work hard so that the company can reach it's goals. Somehow I feel like we got gypped this year. hmmmmm. Maybe I'm being a little sensitive, but I think it's insulting to tell people who already work hard and perform that they are expected to work hard. Whatever.

LIRR Sucks!

One hour and fifteen minutes to get to work today (normally should take a little less than 20 minutes). Oh and our fares went up today too. Rat Bastards.

Yet Another Snow Storm

Damn. Lola looks pretty tubby in this picture.

One of those Days

I'm just having the most frustrating day. I had lots of trouble sleeping last night, so that put me near exhaustion by the time the early morning hours hit. As a result, I completely over-slept (one of the few mornings when the stomping and running of the brat upstairs was welcome as that was what finally woke me up today). Rushed around like crazy to catch the later train, which sucks because that one is always uncomfortably crowded (and today was no exception). And then this of course puts me at a later exit time from work, which normally is no big deal, but today some huge snow storm is supposed to hit, so who knows what that will do to the LIRR by the end of the day! But the most frustrating thing of all today (so far) is this project I'm working on at work. I have a shitload of web reports to do for this project. It's actually interesting work and something I enjoy, but the volume of work that needs to be done makes everything somewhat stressful. That's still okay. What's making my life miserable with this project however, is that the Project Manager keeps changing the SQL tables (the databases) and the business rules, so that I keep having to go back to completed work, rip everything apart and change it all. I had a report that was completed, I had put all the final touches on it, the users were happy with it and now this morning I have to convert it to use the NEW-NEW table which, by the way, eliminated one of the really important columns I needed to use for this report. The PM said that he had to "demote" that field. Which means that I now have to go through about three or four additional steps to retrieve this one bit of information. And that's even if I can get it to work, so far I've only been rewarded with the return of "null" data. ARGH!!!! I'm. So. Damn. Frustrated. What a month to give up drinking, ARGH!. I went over to the PM a little earlier and vented my wrath. At least I didn't cry. Anyway, I just had to share, I feel a little better, I think I'll just go nurse my headache now.

The Curse of Living Somewhere Great, Part II

Property available in Taos (area), NM:





The town is actually Des Montes, a rural suburb of Taos. Julia Roberts is their neighbor.

As can be seen above, my sister's house is officially on the market, the full listing can be seen here. Weird. I don't know why they're listing it as a three bedroom, when it really has four. The fourth BR is on the other side of the greenhouse (they use it as a guestroom, it's kind of nice, you have some amount of privacy being separated from the rest of the house this way). In NYC real estate anything that involves a space you can merely turn around in will try to be marketed as an additional room. I've seen pantries and hallways and little galley kitchens (with a stove and a fridge and a tiny counter, where one person can stand up in, but no table or any other furniture would ever fit) be described as an additional room here. You'd think they would want to exploit all the assets of the house.

So? anyone interested? It's a nice house.

What is this World Coming To?

I've decided to cut back on my alcohol intake. Actually, I haven't really been drinking a whole bunch lately in general anyway (usually I'll just have a few beers once a week, on a Friday or a Saturday night) -- but I've decided to make a rule for myself that I will only drink alcohol during social occasions. Now, a mere few years ago this would probably still have had me out drinking a few times a week, but with the current sad state of my personal life, social occasions are few and far between. Maybe a couple of times a month, and that's only if sitting around a friend's living room counts. Anyway, last night I went over to Carolina & Janos's to watch a movie and so, technically, this counts as a social encounter, but I decided that I really didn't need to drink beer to watch a movie, even though both C and J were indulging. So, when Janos offered to get me one, I declined -- I'm so proud of myself! Anyone who knows me, knows how much I do enjoy a cold beer or three. After declining, I heard Janos in the kitchen mutter out loud to himself, "what is this World coming to?" What indeed?

Weak-Ass Snow

So the snow storm was a bit of a bust, despite all the dire warnings continuously interrupting Network TV last night. There was not enough snow to make it impossible to get to work, but just enough to fsck up commuting. Phhhffffftttt. And while we're talking about commuting, what is it about riding a train that brings out the strangest behavior in people? This morning, man seated across from me (facing me, our feet touching): man sneezes, violently, three times into his hat (knit, winter, skull-cap variety) and then proceeds to put the hat back on his head. My eyes were watering from trying not to laugh.

Today's Snow Storm

Good Tips

Check out Chris Brogan's site today for tips on combating emotional eating. I find it always helps to reinforce these ideas. For the most part, we all know how to work out, we generally know what we should be eating. We know the behavior required to become (or remain) healthy, fit people. It's the emotional aspect of eating inappropriately that most of us find is the hardest key to conquer. So I welcome any new way to look at the issue. Or even a reiteration of the stuff I already know. It's all good.

Rant of the Day

If you're at work and you've got your radio blasting so loudly that it can be heard through a firewall and into the cube of the person on the other side of the wall, then (HELLO???) maybe you're listening to your (crappy disco) music far too loud. I mean, you have to think to yourself what volume level is perhaps appropriate for the office. Oh, and guess whose cubicle is the delightful recipient of the above (crappy disco) music? Yep. Happy Tuesday.

Late Night Walk in the Snow

Conversation On A Train

This morning:

Michelle has new boots.

me: The only problem with high-heels is they get really wrecked walking around here.
me: My new boots? I had to replace the heel lift after only wearing them a few times.
Paul: Your problem is, you're not walking right. You need to prance more.
me: Oh yeah? You want to give me some lessons? You being such an expert and all.

Parallel Universe

Ever have one of those mornings where you're on your regular schedule, yet nothing and no one looks at all familiar? Stopping for your regular coffee, waiting for and riding your regular train, walking through your regular train station, up the same escalators, in through the same doors, into the usual lobby, up the same elevator at the same time of day and down that familiar gray-brown hallway -- yet you don't see one recognizable face and all the landmarks seem familiar, yet different all at the same time? No? Okay, well then nevermind.

The New Peer Pressure

I was watching the Today Show this morning as I was frantically trying to get ready for work and I happened to catch this little segment about how all the kids these days are drinking coffee and hanging out in coffee cafes because they think it makes them look cool and sophisticated. Way back when, when I was in high school, the way to look cool was to smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol and do drugs. I was so seriously un-cool as a kid, that even now I can't look back without a little shudder, but at least today I am not a smoker or drug taker (alcohol, well, that's another story. I did go to college after all). A little coffee addiction looks pretty harmless in comparison, wish this had been an option towards coolness back then. On the other hand, I can't imagine that any amount of coffee could have made a cool kid out of me -- I might have gotten more homework done though.

Todays Dilbert

I really wish I could say this the next time I am solicited at work for (yet another) damn baby shower.




Copywrite: Scott Adams

Happy Valentines Day

You would think being the caustic, bitter person that I am, that I would just despise Valentine's Day, but I really don't. It's a "holiday" that first of all is pretty low on my radar, especially nowadays when I rarely have to sit through a commercial on TV (thank you DVR!). I'm not really going out of my way trying to make a dinner reservation on a Monday night so it's not screwing with any plans I might have, and really, it is one of those things that is fun for those who wish to participate, but you don't have to feel like a freak for not wishing to celebrate. Unlike Christmas where I am always subject to every "bah humbug" type comment imaginable. Lastly, any holiday that does not revolve the celebration of children is pretty much okay with me. Even when I have been in a relationship for VD (a rare occurance, but it has happened a few times), I always took it as a light, not serious thing. Sweet, inexpensive gifts exchanged and maybe a dinner out and I've been satisfied. So, to those who value today -- Happy Valentines Day! To the rest of us, uh, Happy Monday! Actually a neghbor of mine wished me a happy VD and then gave me a hug this morning. I thought that was rather sweet.

Lip Gloss Makes Me Happy

It really does. Sometimes I am such a girl.

Political Games

There is this woman in my group at work who I don't trust. Maybe because some of our work overlaps, but I just don't trust her motives sometimes. She is also one of those falsely friendly people -- it always seems like she is trying to recruit supporters or something. Anyway, recently she was assigned a small project here that called for an enhancement to a current web report. It wasn't really a major thing, just adding an additional option and maybe another column of information to an already fully developed report. I was on the distribution list of the set of emails that went back and forth about this request because it is an area where I normally do a lot of work. The Project Manager assigned it to her because apparently she "needed something to do" and I am currently busy on a bunch of other stuff. Anyway, that was last week. Yesterday I received an email from her as part of a big distribution list about the completed enhancements to this report. All stated in varying colors and bolded text. CC:ing various Mucky Mucks in the company's Corporate Marketing group as well as the Director of our department. I read this and was like, "WTF???" I mean, I did this HUGE project over the Summer for the Corporate Marketing's Operations Manager. These reports were literally for the President of the company and various other important staff, and involved creating active server pages, building databases, writing the web reports and various drilldowns from start to finish. Not to mention ongoing enhancements and accompanying reports. Anyway, it was a big and important project, and never once did I send around an email about it declaring to everyone that I could think of that I am the greatest in the entire WORLD. All my correspondence went only to the people directly involved, basically the Operations Manager and the manager of our helpdesk, and once in a while another Project Manager. Never once did I feel the need to tout my accomplishments to the Director of my department, or any other sundry big wigs. I can't help but think this chick is making a big point of patting herself on the back. Kind of a form of ego masturbation. Pisses me off.

The Curse of Living Somewhere Great

So my sister and her family live in this fabulous place. They ski every possible free moment in the Winter (not to mention most of the Fall & Spring too), the kids belong to ski teams, ski clubs, etc. In the Summer they mountain bike and camp. There is culture and beauty and beautiful outdoor spaces. The sun shines all the time. People want to live there, but there is not much in the way of employment. Plenty of very smart and very educated people move there, only to end up waiting tables or growing organic fruit and selling it on the side of the road or whatever. My Brother-in-Law (B-i-L) was lucky. Eccentric multi-millionaire (EM-M) who owned the engineering company he used to work for in VT took a shine to him, so when EM-M closed the VT office, he moved B-i-L and family out to Taos -- including a big raise, subsidized mortgage and school tuition for the kids. That was about five years or so ago -- they have a GREAT life out there. An enviable life. Every time I look at the garbage and dog crap strewn around my own neighborhood, or listen to car alarms or punk teenagers screaming in the streets, I think wistfully of my sister and her family living this idyllic life in the New Mexican Rockies. I admit it, I've been jealous for years. Anyway, my father called me on Monday to tell me that B-i-L was laid-off last Friday. Apparently EM-M has a cash-flow problem and is folding B-i-L's company. Yikes. So, now unless B-i-L wants to be (and can make enough money as) a ski instructor up at the ski valley, they're probably going to have to move. And move far away. I just can't imagine it, having the best life and having to give it up like that. At least living as I do in misery, things have pretty much always been this way, so I can only really imagine what I'm missing. In their case, I just can't imagine them being very happy in, say, New Jersey.

Ahhhh, Life in NYC...

This morning, Michelle and I invented a new game to play as we hurry through Penn Station trying to get to work -- Dodge the Hobo. Which way is he going to go? Can you anticipate his movements, out-witting him and skid on by without catching a whiff or (worse) without catching his eye, while still maintaining your trajectory towards your target? It's not as easy to do as you might think, as the movements of Penn Station bums can be erratic and unpredictable at best. Michelle and I can confirm this after this morning's effort. The hobo almost won today.

Secret Rooms

I grew up in the suburbs, so I was used to relatively large houses and big backyards. There were always a number of choices indoors, big den, living room, bedrooms, kitchen -- even a basement. As an adult living in the city, the space issue has been an adjustment. Living in a small NYC apartment is not unlike living on a ship, you really must evaluate how necessary something is that you're bringing into the apartment and must constantly edit the contents of your space. Everything must have it's place, or it becomes utter chaos. One of my recurring dreams features discovering secret rooms and spaces in my current apartment. I'll open a door or something that I never noticed before and all of a sudden realize that I have another room, or series of rooms that I never knew I had, doubling, or tripling my space. Well, the new computer has allowed me, in reality, to discover a new room in my apartment -- my kitchen. I have the computer set up there because I have an unused counter area that doubles for a desk. Having a computer with a DVD drive and high-resolution monitor, I can now watch movies with it. I have a little loveseat in my kitchen and I've been reclining on it this weekend and watching this weeks Netflix picks. It truly is as if I've discovered a room I never knew that I had.

Irish Charm

I had a bit of nostalgia today, first with another IM from a former boyfriend, someone I dated a few years ago. I really liked this guy at the time, but he was less interested in me (but at least honest about it) and I have always been proud of the fact that I was able to hear what he was saying (both in action and words) and move on without too much angst or drama. Still, not having really had much in the way of relationships since then, I sometimes wax a little wistful for him. He was a guy that had interested me more than any guy had in quite a while, and I haven't come across another that has interested me quite as much since (not that I've been looking). He had just the right combination of smarts, silliness, humor (including caustic humor) and seriousness. And he was handsome without being too much so. But he wanted to date a lot of other women and didn't want to see me nearly as often as I wanted to see him. And, quite frankly, I just didn't want to play that game. Been there, done that -- it's no picnic, trust me. So I cut my losses, but felt the better of him for his honesty at least. Anyway, lately, every few weeks or so he will IM me, which is oddly comforting for some reason. I kind of like knowing that he is out and about in the World somewhere, even if I'm not in his orbit.

The other nostalgic thing that happened to me today was that my friend Sandra called me from Ireland. She actually called me about ten minutes before I was to leave for Spinning class, so Spinning got blown off and I ended up talking to her for about an hour. I miss her so much! She is truly one of my best friends for life, we may not talk often, but we fall right back like old times whenever we do. She and her husband are thinking of renting out their house in Ireland and moving to France for a year. I told her that I would definitely find a way to come visit her if she manages to make that happen!

Snarky

On the elevator this morning: Michelle and I get on and then this big group of people get on behind us, all chattering up a storm. I whisper to Michelle that I do not recognize any of them, which is unusual because I've worked here for a very long time, long enough for most people riding the elevators to look familiar anyway. Michelle gets off on the 24th Floor. And then the elevator stops on 25, and the big group is still chattering away and one guy goes, "after you", someone else says, "no after you" and it goes round and round in this manner until I (lurking all the way in the back corner) finally pipe up, "well, someone get off already!" and they all get the hint and shuffle off. One guy left on the elevator with me says, "yeah. REALLY." And I reply, "I mean, what is this anyway, a cocktail party or something??? Sheesh."

Site Meters and Truncating Posts

Alright, I used to have a site meter and I got rid of it because I found that having it on my blog truncated the page of posts (in other words, you couldn't scroll down past a certain point to read the entire page). So, I installed a new (different) site meter the other day (which will explain why there are only 300-someodd hits after a couple of years of blogging) and the same thing appears to be happening with this one. Can some technical person please explain to me why? And what I can do to fix it? THANKS.

ugh! why am I up so early and WHY (for all that's good and holy) is there no coffee in this apartment???!!! ARGH!!!

Generous Friends

So I have this very generous friend. We've been friends for years, and years, and years -- in fact we dated on and off for years in another lifetime, but somewhere along the line we figured out that we make far better friends than lovers (this tends to be the story of my life, but we can save this subject for another day). Anyway, one day in December or thereabouts he IMed me about an iPod. As in, did I want one? (Presumably as a Christmas gift, even though we really haven't exchanged gifts in years). So, I explained to him that I couldn't use an iPod with my system at home because my laptop was too old, limited, not enough space or memory, etc. to run XP. And thus started a month-long IM conversation -- he would send me articles about the iPod, or send me a link about someone who wrote some software to get around the XP thing and I would just say that I didn't want to further tax my already over-burdened system or something. So then one day a few weeks ago he IMs me and asks if something was delivered to my apartment, would I get it. Well, I would most likely have to go to the post office to pick it up (if it was bigger than, say, a magazine) or you could send something to me at work. His reply: What if it was something BIG? Well? I guess you can send it to Janos & Carolina (they have a daytime doorman). About a week after that he IMs me and asks me, which would I rather have: A) New laptop (I get my own iPod), B) New desktop (I get my own iPod), or C) A Dell Jukebox. I say, I guess a desktop (I've been trying to figure out how I can afford one anyway, I already have a laptop, that is old and slow and limited, but will work for email and surfing, etc. I don't have the space issue with desktops anymore now that flat screens are more ubiquitous). And so he says, okay, he's going shopping over the weekend. All this time I'm thinking, "WTF???" Okay, so fast-forward to last week and he IMs me again and says, "here are your UPS tracking numbers... " rattles off three numbers and then goes on about how much fun he had shopping and that he liked it so much, he bought one for himself too, but doesn't go into much more detail. So, it was delivered to Janos & Carolina's on Tuesday and Janos helped me bring it over and install it last night... he bought me a brand new, Dell 4700 desktop with flat screen monitor! I just can't believe it. I was years away from being able to comfortably afford a new computer. I still can't figure out why he did it. Perhaps he read this blog about what a crummy Christmas I had, or maybe he just was feeling generous and had some extra cash this year, I don't know, but I am thrilled at being the recipient of such generosity. Don't know what I did to deserve it and have no clue about how to reciprocate (and no, providing sexual favors is not an option -- don't even go there).

YAY! I've Finally Figured Out How to Post Pictures!

This is a picture that I took of Lola and me over the Summer:



I usually hate having my picture taken, but this actually came out pretty well. Lola cracks me up, she looks like a cartoon character.