An Improvement in Flat Work

I have to say that I am very pleased with how Ruby's flat work has been coming along this Summer. If I remember correctly, last Summer it was a bit of a struggle to get her consistently round and reaching for the contact and working through her back. I remember a good amount of inverted flat work. I would get some nice roundness for a few strides and then lose it again. And so we we would go back & forth with this. Last year I would see those nice round moments and be encouraged that the potential was there, it didn't seem completely impossible that we might get some nice consistency on the flat some day. And so I feel that day has more or less come.

Today I decided to do some schooling, since we have a show next weekend. We had the ring all to ourselves which was nice for me, I didn't have to feel self-conscious about my riding (I know, I have issues). We did about twenty minutes of good, solid trot work where she tried quite hard with pretty nice results. Once we moved on to the canter I was again thrilled with how lovely her left lead canter has gotten. Supple and round and really working from behind, it is a complete pleasure to ride. Her right lead canter still needs work, so we still struggle there. But it has definitely improved, we now seem to be able to string together a number of good strides before we lose the roundness. This week Alison (my trainer) pointed out that it might help to ride her right lead lighter in the tack, even in 2-point, so I tried that today. It's a bit hard in dressage length stirrups, but I just concentrated not so much on a real 2-point as I did on trying to stay a bit off her back in this direction and I have to say that I definitely felt that it helped. I got some nice roundness for longer than I usually do. What I probably should have done is finished with a circle sitting in the tack after warming up this way to see if that also showed improvement, but I wanted to end on a good note. Instead, after about 30-40 minutes of the ring work I ended by cantering a few additional circles in the field (my stirrups jacked up to jumping length) to shake out a bit of that routine ring dullness. All-in-all I ended our work today very, very pleased with my girl.

On Running

I’ve known for a while that just riding alone is not quite enough of an activity level to make me as fit as I need to be. And I’m not even talking about weight loss here, at this point, thoughts of weight loss are a pie-in-the-sky fantasy for me and if I seriously sit down and think about it as more than a passing idea, I get very, very depressed and start to feel very hopeless, complete with all those wonderful feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness and whatever. Believe me, I have a lifetime of experience with this and would rather not go there, if I can avoid it. So, I’m really right now just thinking about better overall fitness, what I can do to improve my ability to ride and for better stress relief in general. I’ve always felt that running is a high return activity in this regard. A lot of bang for your buck, if you will. You can go out there, throw out a few miles in under an hour for a maximum physical result. Riding probably would be adequate if I could somehow manage to ride five horses a day, six days a week and do a lot of barn chores. But riding only one horse requires that I do something else outside of the horse stuff. Although, I DO feel that I am more riding fit at this point in the season. I’ve noticed that I can do a 10-12 fence jump course and feel just as good and fresh at fence #12 as I did at #1. This was not the case over the Winter. Still, I need work.

The problem has mostly been time. When you work 9-12 hours a day, and when plans to ride require about three hours round-trip, where does one sneak in the time to also add a run or something else? Lately what I’ve been doing is squeaking in a lunch-time run. It requires some planning and some willingness to be flexible and to change plans at the last minute, but so far I’ve managed to eek out a little bit of a run schedule. Luckily at work we have lovely, lovely trails just outside the door. I change in the locker room and have been rediscovering them all over again over the past couple of weeks. Of course running during working hours does have its challenges, like yesterday while standing out on the trail during my run and responding by BlackBerry to a volley of emails that had come in about a customer issue. But that keeps things exciting anyway, and this is the reason why we have modern technology! Of course, my colleague may not have appreciated my showing up at his desk immediately post run dripping with sweat to discuss said issue, but what can you do? (They don’t even notice when I cut off all of my hair, nor when I walk through the office in riding breeches and chaps, so it’s unlikely a bit of sweat registered either anyway).

Let me just say, though, that running is HARD. So, so, freaking hard. I’ve never been a natural runner, I know I whine about this from time-to-time, but it’s true. I am just not one of those people who can go out and bang out a couple of miles at the drop of a hat. It takes a long time to get myself to where I can even run a mile relatively comfortably, even with a walk break or two. So I’m trying not to be too disgusted with myself. Right now I’m just trying to get out there and cover some ground. I run, I walk. I walk, I run. I try to run some past the point where I desperately want to slow to a walk. I pick out landmarks, but once I reach them, I try to run a bit farther (even if it’s only the tiniest bit). I particularly like running on the single track trails. For some reason I find myself running for the longest stretches on those. I think it’s partially because it’s a bit of a mental game, picking through the footing so I don’t fall, plotting my path, etc. As much as possible, I try to run where the terrain allows it and to walk when the tricky footing forces me to be more careful. It doesn’t always work out that way, but that is my goal on most of my trail runs these days.

The other night I even did a run on the treadmill. I have to say, compared to riding and running on trails, running on a treadmill is some kind of mental (as well as physical) torture. I managed to squeak out two miles of intervals. It went something like this:

• 2 minute walk warm-up (16 minute mile).
• 2 minute running interval (12 minute mile).
• Continue walk/run intervals until I hit 1 mile (intervals consisted of 1 minute walk @ 16 minute mile alternated with 1 minute run @ 12 minute mile).
• After the 1 mile mark, I alternated 30 seconds run @ 10 minute mile with 1 minute walk @ 16 minute mile.
• At the 1.5 mile mark I just walked for the last .5 mile (16 minute mile).

I know that all sounds like a completely sad effort, but that is where I am in running ability at the moment. I can barely run a 12 minute mile for one minute. And I can only keep the intervals up for a short time. Still, I ended the session feeling like I had had a really good workout, so I think that my body definitely got something out of it, and I was sore the next day.

I think that if I can get myself outside to run/walk in some fashion three times a week and then do a TM interval session like the above one time a week, that I could see some decent improvement in my fitness. Since I am not really training for any kind of running event and because I don’t want to make myself crazy, I’m trying not to concentrate on distance or speed in any way right now (although, I think speed & distance is something I have to target for an interval work out). I’m mostly focusing on how long I want each running session to be (40 minutes, 1 hour, whatever).

Now if I could also just carve out a little time to include some yoga or pilates during the week …

Riding Out

This Summer I have been enjoying riding outside of the ring and off of the barn property. Last year I didn’t do nearly enough of this, Ruby & I were just getting to know each other, I was still getting my riding legs (and seat) back and I just did not take nearly as much advantage as I should have.

This season I was off to a shaky start with my riding. First there was the unfortunate fall at the Pine Top HT in March, and then in April (or maybe it was early May) Ruby managed to buck me off during a ride. I think this shook my confidence more than anything, the other fall was an accident, sort of a freak thing, so I don’t think it left as lingering an effect as the bucking incident did. The bucking was the type of thing that I had been able to ride through before, so it had me a bit shaken up. I wasn’t hurt at all, but it had me worried that my horse really could dump me whenever she wanted to. I went out on a trail ride shortly after my fall with a couple of the more advanced riders at the barn and I can honestly say that I was a bit shaky. We spent most of the ride doing a very athletic trot, to canter, to galloping and that did help take a bit of an edge off of my fear once it was all said and done (although I was slightly freaked out about it during the ride). After that ride I managed to suck it up and take Ruby out on the trails on my own a good number of times and each ride (especially each ride I did alone, just Ruby & I) restored my confidence in leaps and bounds.

Once I got over the bit of nervousness that I had, I really started to enjoy these hacks out on the trails. I like to talk to Ruby the whole way, I never mind being alone (some people hate that) and I take it as my opportunity to commune with my horse, go at the pace we want that day and to take the direction that we decide in the moment. As an event horse, I think it is good for Ruby’s brain to go out alone sometimes. I think it’s good for her brain to hack out in general (it’s too easy to become ring sour or dull from 100% ring work), but it’s also good for her to feel confident getting out there without another horse along for company. I think the hacking out in general also helps to install a good “forward” feeling in the horse as well, no kicking along required outside the ring! And it’s good for my own bravery and confidence. Once I got over my initial post-fall shakiness, I really relaxed and felt completely comfortable to trot, canter and gallop with Ruby on the trails on my own.

And then the deer flies set in. This pretty much ended our trail riding excursions for most of the month of July. They are too numerous and too miserable for the horse during these weeks, I just couldn’t subject her to that. Luckily there is a big field over on the next road that we are welcome to ride in when we want and so I started going over there once or twice each week. The field is a different experience than the trails. The huge, open area definitely makes for a more firey, “up” horse. Last year the one time I took Ruby to this field, she was a bit crazier than I’m comfortable with. This year she has been more settled. I’m not sure if it’s because I introduced the field riding during a real hot spell, or because I’ve been riding her a lot in general (maybe a combination of factors) but she has been, while still prance-y and excited with a spook here & there, much easier to deal with overall. When we’ve gone, I usually do a good solid trot for three circuits of the field and then will walk a lap and then will introduce a canter and do a couple of laps of that (usually with a walk lap in between). If I’m feeling particularly adventurous we will then gallop up one long side or another. And then I will change directions and do the same in the other direction. If I really got my act together and put a plan together, I would map out some kind of regular trot & canter repeat plan, but for right now I’ve just been enjoying going out there and winging it.

The deer flies have abated somewhat, so we are now back to regular trail riding. There are a couple of people in the barn who recently have been inviting me to ride out with them on the weekends and I have been enjoying that a lot, but I still need to find a way to keep a hack alone once or twice a week in the rotation. Ideally we would have about three hacks during the week. One to the field, and two trails (or one trail and two field rides, maybe alternating the ratio week to week), with one or two of those hacks being out on our own. It very rarely works out this way, work or weather or laziness or something usually eliminates at least one of the rides, but that is what I’m striving for anyway. This is the plan in general:

• Two lessons per week.
• One-two dressage schools (no lesson) on farm property – on a dressage lesson week, one dressage school should be enough.
• Three hacks a week: some combination of 2 trails / 1 field, 2 fields / 1 trail, one or two of the weekly hacks being in company.
• One day off a week. (In real life however, it’s really worked out to be two days off a week, sometimes three).

This is what I’m striving for anyway. I’m still trying to figure out how to work in a little jumping on dressage weeks. On the jumping weeks, since I have two lessons during the week, I think that’s enough. But I find that on the dressage weeks I’m not jumping at all. And, while I don’t really think Ruby needs it (although she LOVES it), I think that I do somewhat, if for no other reason than I need to it to keep up my nerves. Too much time between jumping and I start to get nervous about it all over again. I need to jump enough so that I am not so freaked out about it. So, I still have to figure that out. Of course, the season is going to be over in about two seconds so I may need to start working on my plan for NEXT year at this point!

Weekend o’ Riding

I knew going in that this was going to be a busy, exhausting and somewhat stressful weekend. I had a lot on the agenda with very little rest time planned. The capper of the weekend was to be the Groton House Summer Classic show on Sunday (6/20/2010), my third attempt for this season to put in a successful show effort, having failed miserably at the first two attempts, Pine Top (GA) in March and King Oak (MA) in May. Ironically, The Summer Classic is the show where Ruby acted up so dreadfully last year. I’m not exactly sure what made me decide that returning there might be a good idea, except that I think part of me wanted to make sure that venue did not get the best of me. I needed to move forward and not let the memories of the insanity of last years show settle as a permanent cloud of fear in my brain. The other things that I had planned for the weekend were: a jumping clinic with Lynn Coates-Holmes after work on Friday, cross-country schooling at Scarlet Hill Farm on Saturday morning, followed by bathing and trimming the horse. Oh yeah, and my father was also coming to stay overnight on Saturday.

Into every rider’s life, a little fall must happen.

In a way, my Weekend o’ Riding started on Thursday night with a riding lesson. It was a jumping week and so we started with a gymnastic followed by short courses of fences. I was riding one of these courses and it was going well, until we came to a jump across a diagonal. I somehow misjudged the pace and we got into a bad spot, which caused Ruby to crash through the fence, pitching me off in the process. As falls go, it wasn’t that bad, I just fell pretty hard on my butt, which hurt (and resulted in a lot of bruising and residual soreness). I got back on and, after a couple of bad fences, continued on and finished up the night with a great course of jumps in the ring, jumping out of the ring, jumping fences and whatever in the field and then jumping back into the ring and some more fences there. So, I was able to shake off the fall pretty well, sore butt and all.

The Clinic.

Friday afternoon was the Lynn Coates-Holmes clinic and the soreness from my fall the night before had really settled in. I had attended a LCH clinic in December and had gotten so much out of it that I really did not want to cancel and miss out, but my sore parts were really affecting my ability to ride effectively too. I didn’t want to start bowing out of things because I knew that would allow some amount of fear to grow in my head. So, I decided to move forward and see how it went. Well, for the most part it was good, but I was definitely both mentally and physically affected from my fall the night before. I could tell right off of the bat that I was not riding well. Over fences I felt like a sack of potatoes and did not have the consistent leg that I usually do. I felt like I was more of a passenger than a rider and it was not a very comfortable feeling for me. Both Lynn and Alison continued to insist that I was riding well, but I was riding with Ruby mostly behind my leg and riding to some pretty sticky spots here & there. Some of it was a result of being a little mentally shaken up, but I also think that there was a good part of it that was a result of my sore parts not allowing me to ride the way I normally would. I rode through the clinic however, and just bowed out of the very last jumping course, feeling that my last course had been very successful and wanting to quit while I was ahead. I think Alison was a bit disappointed because she knows that I can do it, I think she thought that I was letting my fear get the better of me (and I WAS), but I really did not feel physically capable of riding at 100% that day and thought it was better to finish on a good note.

Oh, Scarlet.

Early on Saturday morning a group of us loaded the horses up and drove to Scarlet Hill Farm in Groton, MA for cross-country schooling. I had jumped at this chance because most of the cross-country schooling opportunities happen on weekdays and so I usually miss out, I definitely wanted to take advantage of a weekend outing. I had never been to Scarlet Hill, but had heard wonderful things about it and so was happy to finally get to experience this beautiful facility. This was a perfect opportunity for a cross-country tune-up before the show on Sunday and Ruby did not disappoint. She was happy to jump everything I pointed her at, even the scary, funny house jump thing. But again, I felt unable to really ride her forward much and got into some sticky, close spots. I did not feel all that nervous (okay, maybe a little bit), but my soreness affected my ability to ride as I normally would. Still we rode over various elements, over fences, through water, over ditches, over the funny, scary house, over some whiskey barrel jump, up & down rolling hills and around the property. Through it all Ruby was a total star and I managed to come through it unscathed and feeling a little more confident for the show the next day.

Groton House Summer Classic

Sunday morning came very early for me at about 4 AM. I never actually got any sleep on Saturday night because, with my father there, the dogs were all restless and agitated all night long and so I spent most of the night trying to calm them down. Every time I would start to nod off, Tig would jump up or bark which would then also set off Fitz. It turns out that my father went to bed with the door open – sheesh! Of course the dogs could hear every tiny move you made, GAH!

Anyway, so we had the horses loaded and were on the road to the show by 5:30 or so. We got to the show grounds with just enough time to settle the horses in, pick up our packets, walk our stadium and cross-country courses and get back to the trailer in order for some of us to start getting ready for our rides. For the first time ever, I had an early ride time and I was thrilled! I usually have the latest ride times and all that waiting around makes my nerves get progressively worse. The downside with the early ride time, however, is that I did not have enough time to walk my XC a second time. Nothing on the XC course walk alarmed me, although there was some amount of criss-crossing the various fields and re-entering of woods here & there and I was concerned about remembering where and when each had to happen, I did not want to leave out a fence or get lost on course! Groton House has the most beautiful property though, walking the course made me feel thankful for the opportunity to ride there.

After the course walk I really had to hurry back to the trailer to get myself and Ruby ready for dressage. Already the day had heated up and I was pouring sweat. I did not relish the thought of wearing the stock tie and black dressage coat, believe me, but I suited myself up just the same. I was ready and on the horse relatively quickly and before I really had too much time to sit and think & stew about anything. At Alison’s suggestion, I right away asked Ruby for some roundness and bent around a couple of circles beside the trailer, before riding off, just to get her listening to me and not distracted by everything that was happening on the event grounds. We then rode on off to the dressage area to warm-up. Last year I knew pretty quickly in the warm-up that I was dealing with a naughty, completely agitated horse. Spooking, bucking, bolting, and basically freaking out from the start. This year what I had was an angel. Ruby got right to work, interested in what was going on around her, but not overly distracted or upset by any of it. She softly and willingly moved off my leg and forward and was supple and happy to bend in either direction (yes, even to the right!), happily worked correctly across her back and from back to front, becoming (and remaining) lovely and round. I found myself quickly relaxing which also helped create the smooth, soft dressage state that always seems just a bit out of my reach. It was an incredibly hot day (by then over 90 with extremely high humidity), so I did not want to over work Ruby before our test. I still wanted that forwarded, enthusiastic, but relaxed step. So we spent the remainder of our warm-up walking circles in either direction, doing a little overbending here & there, etc. but keeping things as relaxed as possible.

Soon enough it was time to enter the dressage ring. My overall impression of the ride (a few days later) is that it was … easy. Not at all tense, well, except a few tense moments during the transition to the right lead canter, and then the first few strides of that movement. There were also a few moments here and there where we weren’t straight and I probably added some tension in trying to correct it. But overall, I felt that the ride just flowed and was very pleasant. Dare I say, even, fun? Relaxed, smooth, in harmony with each other. Ruby reaching for the contact, with nice forward implusion. I ended that test very satisfied. Our right lead canter piece was a bit of a disaster. I had trouble getting the canter at first and then she broke a couple of strides in. But once we had it established, the remainder of the movement wasn’t as bad as it can be. But the rest of the test felt quite nice to me. Turns out we were in 8th place after dressage, out of a pretty big pool of competitors, I think. I was very happy with it and feel that if our right lead canter had been even just a little bit better, we would have had a somewhat competitive score. Ruby & I have achieved this score before, but I felt that this was the best test we had ever ridden. We also had some nice comments from the judge like, “nice job” and “great pair”. I was also extremely happy to have been scored with a “7” for Rider in the Collective Marks section. That almost never happens for me. So, I was quite pleased with our first phase and in a pretty good state of mind because of it.

My ride times were all stacked a bit close together and the dressage had been running a little behind, so I found that I did not really have enough time to walk my cross-country course again. Usually I liked to walk it at least twice, but oh well. I did take the map and try to visualize what each element was and where it was, so that helped a bit. About an hour after completing our dressage, I was back on the horse and headed up the hill towards the stadium ring. Last year I think the worst part of the day for us had been the stadium warm-up. This was the place where Ruby had been at her naughtiest. Basically, it ended up being one huge, unrelenting freakout. I think that we only ever ended up jumping one little cross-rail and then spent the rest of the warm-up doing figure 8s a little bit away from the jumping area (before entering the ring for our jump course). This year she was not at all fussed, even though the set-up was exactly the same. When I got to the warm-up the ring steward told me that I only had about 7 minutes (GAH!) so I right away got Ruby to work, jumping each of the three warm-up jumps in each direction. She was FINE, although, a bit sticky and behind my leg. But again, like in Lynn’s clinic and at the XC school the day before, this was the way I was riding and not typical. The hot day probably also contributed to sucking some of the natural energy out of Ruby, but I do know that I was somewhat unable to ride the nice, forward, balanced-with-leg-on pace that I usually can do. Again, I think this was both a physical (I was still incredibly sore) and a mental thing.

Anyway, it was time to enter the ring, regardless of how I was riding, and I can say that our first four fences were dreadful. Ruby was behind my leg and chipping in, I was jumping ahead (a bad habit that I had thought I had eliminated, for the most part). We had a couple of truly terrible jumps that would have stopped many other horses. Ruby bailed me out though, she saved my butt again and again. Finally, after the fourth jump I somehow managed to get our act together and we started moving forward. Probably by then Ruby was just warmed up enough, had forgotten about the hot weather and was focused on the jumping at hand, heaven knows that I had done nothing to help her up until that point. Anyway, we came into the two-stride combination quite crooked, but at least at a good, forward pace (finally) and we jumped in and out of there reasonably. From there on the second half of the course was fine, probably mostly because by then we were moving at a nice, forward pace and I somehow managed not to get too ahead, but I can not say that it was brilliant or all that balanced either. I ended the round so proud of Ruby for being the incredible mare that she is and feeling not at all deserving of the clear round that we had. The ring steward at the Out gate said to me, “good job”. But I feel that this one was all Ruby, I had very little to do with it.

The Groton House Summer Classic is one of those wonderful, wonderful events where you are expected to go to your cross-country directly from your stadium round. This cross-country start was pretty laid back, a couple of riders ahead of me, we all just circled around the area waiting for our turn. The day (as I mentioned before) was unbelievably hot, so none of us really did anything but walking here, but there was plenty of room had one wanted to trot or canter around some. Anyway, it was maybe about a ten minute to so wait for me before I could start and I was pretty amazed to find that I really wasn’t nervous. In fact, I found that for most of the day my nerves never really came much into play. I am thinking that having the early ride times was a major factor in this. I was probably also so dead tired from not having slept the night before that I just couldn’t get too amped up (that and the heat). I am sure the biggest factor was that my horse was absolutely perfectly behaved. No spooking, no crow-hopping or bucking, she was completely focused on me and on the job the entire day.

Soon enough it was our time over the start. The course began with a short run across a field and then a log oxer-type jump in the tree line into the next field. Jump #1 was apparently a very sticky one for many people that day and we were no different. A lot of the horses didn’t like jumping away with no real intro fence first (last year they had a simple log jump partway up the first field to get you rolling and then the tree-line fence was #2). In any case, this jump proved to be quite sticky for Ruby and me too. Again, I had the problem of not being able to get Ruby in front of my leg. I basically did everything wrong, no pace, jumped ahead, etc. It was an ugly, ugly jump. She jumped it very awkwardly, almost up & down like a deer, throwing me out of the tack somewhat. I almost fell off on the other side of the jump! Somehow I managed to stay on, slowed for a trot until I could get my stirrups back and then continued across the field. The next jump, a bunch of straw bales set up as a kind of rampy thing, was another very sticky, chipped in jump. I think at this point I said out loud to Ruby, “come ON Ruby, we can do this.” After that we managed to get rolling. #3 was a red house jump and then it was a sharp corner to the left and over a good-size red coop (#4). I had started to relax and felt more myself with those two jumps and we then had a nice bit of a gallop along the grassy path beside the woods after the coop. Then it was a turn into the woods and down a hill that was a bit rocky and steep. We trotted down this because the footing wasn’t fantastic and I knew that we had a funny turn at the bottom with a jump right after that awkward turn.

So, you basically came down the hill on this rocky trail and then you had to make a turn into the trees on this kind of rutted goat trail around a couple of trees and then approach the next jump (#5, a gate made out of logs), which by then was maybe only 3 or 4 strides away. Because of the footing and then how we had to turn for the approach so close the jump, I didn’t feel that there was enough time to fiddle around and try to get a good, forward canter, so I just let Ruby take it from a nice, strong trot. I think it was the right decision for us, she jumped it nicely, I didn’t get in her way trying to change the gait and pace, etc. With this jump, you basically were jumping out of the trees and into the next field. From here it was a short gallop to #6, a solid roll top. By now the heat of the day was getting to me a bit and I was feeling a little lightheaded. Having not really eaten since about 4 AM (yogurt) probably didn’t help much either, so I know I did some bits of trotting here and there. The next jump was all the way across the field and was a solid double, criss-crossing log (#7). And then it was a turn up the hill to a pile of cordwood (#8). I remember the hill after the cordwood jump, last year Ruby bucked her way up it -- ha ha! This year she was very well-behaved. We went up the hill a bit then then it was back across the field to a jump back into the woods (#9 -- I can’t remember what the jump was, I’m thinking that it was maybe a coop, but I’m not sure!). We were then on this nice trail through the woods and up a hill. By now we were rolling nicely and I could really feel how much Ruby was loving it, she was excited and focused with her ears pricked and looking for the next thing and I let her go! We topped the hill out of the woods into a field to a combination of two log jumps. I think maybe 5 or 6 strides between them? Anyway, it was no problem for us and we had a nice forward pace & balance to make each jump easy and comfortable (this was jump #10 & #11).

From there it was through an open gate and then down a steep hill to the water complex. I can’t say that I liked that hill much so I keep it slow and then let Ruby move forward again once we got to the water (#12). Through the narrow exit of the water and then up the hill on the other side. Ruby wanted to know “what’s next?!” as she galloped up the hill. It was turn through another open gate, new field to another house jump (#13) all the way across the field to another stack of straw bales, but with some pine brush on top (#14) and finally, a turn back across the field to one last jump in the tree-line, a a stone wall with a log on top (#15). A gallop through the finish and we were clear! The first two jumps of the course were ugly, ugly, ugly, but once we got rolling and I relaxed a bit, it all seemed to come together nicely, so I feel like I redeemed myself some in the end. Ruby was completely in her element on that cross-country course, it was almost like she was saying, “now, THAT is what I’m talking about!” The cross-country phase is what makes it all worth it to me, the sleepless night, the early, early morning. Enduring dressage coats and stock ties and nerves and scary warm-up situations. When you are on that course, just you and your horse, there is just nothing at all like it. And on a horse like Ruby who has that wonderful cross-country mind ... well, it’s just awesome. You’re in it and loving it together.

So, we ended with a good day, overall. The dressage I consider almost miraculous. The stadium was terrible (all me), but did improve later in the course. It just pisses me off because I know that I can do so much better! That stadium course also showed me just how much heart Ruby has. She would have been completely justified in stopping at a couple of those jumps, but she gutted it out and went way above & beyond the call of duty. The cross-country, after an awkward start, was wonderful. We were in sync and happy and I feel that I rode most of it well. It was a great experience for both of us. Even the warm-ups were great. After it was all said and done, I was happy to discover that I had actually earned a ribbon too -- 6th place.

Postscript: The Tale of the Evil Mounting Block.

The day was not without some casualty however. Because of my incredibly sore rear area, I was having some trouble moving and bending. I could not lean over the save my life, had to crouch down to pick anything up. And mounting was a serious problem. I couldn’t bend my leg to get it in the stirrup and mount the way one normally would do. I had to stick my leg out straight, which meant sort of cantilevering my butt out at an angle in order to get in the right position. Well. When I was preparing to get on for my stadium round, I was awkwardly trying to position myself in this way and somehow I managed to upset the balance of the mounting block! The thing tipped over and threw me to the ground, hard on my sore butt. I was embarrassed more than hurt -- two people riding past as this happened were doubled over hysterically laughing.

But apparently the mounting block was not finished with me. Later in the day, when I was all finished riding, I had changed into shorts and was packing some of my stuff up into the trailer to get it out of the way. Well, I stepped out of the dressing/tack room and onto the mounting block, but I guess I wasn’t paying enough attention as I somehow stepped onto it on the edge of it, again completely upsetting the balance of the thing. Only this time I was flung into the air and ended up crashing down on the mounting block, hard (front first). I did some serious damage to myself, I look and feel like someone beat me with a baseball bat. Huge purple bruise that covers my entire left thigh. A less dark, but more painful bruise that goes from knee all the way down my calf. A black-purple contusion on my stomach. But worst of all, I’ve done some damage to my ribs, my upper right ribcage is so painful that I can’t roll over, or sit up easily, or breath deeply, or cough, or sneeze, or even really touch the area without significant pain. I haven’t tried to ride yet, but have trouble imagining how I’m going to be able to. The damn mounting block seriously had it in for me that day. SHEESH. If I wasn’t so banged up, I’d find it funny. At least it did take my mind off of all my sore hind parts. That mounting block did far more damage than falling off the horse did, by a long shot.

Aiken Adult Eventing Camp: 2010

(Ruby, during our dressage test on 3.27.2010)




On March 20th I flew down to Aiken, SC where Ruby has been in training all Winter, to attend my trainer’s Adult Eventing Camp. It’s been a long few months without her and, while Ruby has been doing well and competing around the Aiken area, I had hardly been riding at all while she’s been gone. So, I was pretty nervous upon my arrival in Aiken. I knew that I was not in the best shape for this, and also, having not having ridden much while Ruby was gone, I felt that I might have lost some of the scant ability that I do have. I knew that it was possible that the week might be a bit grueling, not to mention embarrassing for me.

I arrived to beautiful, warm weather. And it was so nice to see Ruby again! I’ve really, really missed her. I could tell that she has been enjoying all the turnout and extra work that she’s been getting. Most of the horses down there have not seen much stall time, they have gotten to just be horses out in their big turnout areas. I would love to send Ruby down to SC every year for that reason alone (not sure if I want to be parted this long again though). No riding on this day though, we spent the time to get settled in and going out to dinner (Aiken Brewery, YAY!).

On Sunday Alison was hosting a schooling 2-Phase (dressage and stadium jumping) at her farm. She needed extra help so I volunteered to be both jump judge and jump crew which ended up being quite a workout as it had me running back & forth across the big jumping field (in the rain) for most of the day. It was interesting and educational and fun to watch all the riders though. I felt like I got a lot out of it and was glad to be able to have had the experience. A little later in the afternoon I finally took a ride on Ruby. I was pretty nervous, to be honest, but it was really like old times, a few spooks in a corner of the dressage ring and some high-spiritedness out in the field. She also hadn’t been ridden in a few days as recommended by the vet after a strenuous chiro appointment earlier in the week, so she was really raring to go. I rode her for a good hour to work the kinks out.

On Monday we started off the day with a barn lecture on horse first aid and then we had lessons on the longe in the round pen (which meant no reins & stirrups) and dressage lessons. After lunch we trailered over to the galloping track to do pace work. Knowing how strong and worked up Ruby had been in the field the day before, I wasn't quite sure what to expect from her at the track. The track can be a little bit overwhelming at first, especially after a season of riding around an indoor ring, but I felt pretty comfortable after the first time around. There was one stretch around the track where Ruby wanted to spook each time, but other than that, she was happy to just gallop away. The last time around Alison asked us to pace ourselves to 450 meters per minute. I had been holding Ruby back considerably on our other trips around the track, this time we started out easy, but once we rounded the turn I said to her, "you want to go? let's go then" and let her open up. It was pretty thrilling and I think we hit the marker maybe only a few seconds fast. Of course our trip around probably wasn't the even, consistent effort that Alison had had in mind, but it sure was fun!

On Tuesday morning we worked more on our dressage, this time actually performing the dressage tests for Alison in a kind of "Ride-Critique-Ride" type of thing. I did both BN Test A and Test B as I was to perform both at the 2-Phase competition the next day. Test A was for the competition and Test B to be practice for our competition at Pine Top on the weekend. After our dressage work we took a trail ride with Lindsay (a friend of Alison's) who is an endurance trail rider. After lunch it was finally time to jump, what I had been worried about. After warming up some we went to the top of the field and practiced a bit over the three jumps that had been set up as warm-up for the 2-Phase that had been held there on Sunday. After doing a few of those, I found that my heart was pounding with adrenalin like crazy! After we had warmed up there sufficiently, Alison brought us back down to the main part of the field and we first did the same jump course that she had had set up for the Sunday competition. It was great to actually jump it after watching and judging everyone else on Sunday. And I don't know what I had been worried about, because Ruby was wonderful. Willing and happy and adjustable and completely in her element.

On Wednesday morning we trailered over to Sporting Days Farm for their schooling 2-Phase. I remember this same competition last year, I was so incredibly nervous that my stomach was physically upset for most of the day! This time I didn't get too terribly nervous. I was a bit edgy, but not really too bad, I thought. Our dressage (both tests) were rather unfortunate, but we completely redeemed ourselves with a wonderful, wonderful jumping round (after a nice big spook while heading to the starting line). After all was said and done we got a 6th place ribbon. Too bad about the crummy dressage. In the afternoon we headed to Hitchcock Woods to first have a picnic lunch and then we had a nice long trail ride through the park.

On Thursday we returned to Sporting Days Farm for cross-country schooling. We were very lucky to have the entire place to ourselves so, after schooling many of the jumps throughout the farm in combinations of twos and threes, Alison put together an entire course for us, using the whole facility. For me this was the highlight of the week, Ruby was completely brilliant and I managed to work through breathlessness and adrenalin and plucked up some courage to boldly ride everything the way it was meant to be ridden. I think the most thrilling part was coming through the section where you jump the "shark" it's a stride or two and then through the water and then up the hill to the bank, up to the top of the field and around the big coop and table jumps at the top and back down the hill jumping some big rolltops along the way. I finished all of that completely thrilled and with a big grin on my face. Alison let us know later that a few of the jumps and combinations had actually been N level. It was nice to find out at the end so it was something I didn't worry or obsess about before riding. Anyway, I felt like it was one of the best cross-country courses that Ruby and I have done together, so I finished the day feeling great.

Because we all had such a great time and such positive experiences cross-country schooling on Thursday, we decided to do it again on Friday, this time at Full Gallop Farm. By now I was beginning to feel the strain of the week and did not feel quite as sharp as I had the day before. Still, Alison had us ride a good number of big combinations in numerous fields at Full Gallop which included some huge (to me!) jumps, banks, water and other stuff. Ruby was once again a total star and I actually came through pretty well in the end. It was great to get my fill of cross-country since I don't get to do it much otherwise. This is exactly what I wanted out of my week in Aiken!

On Saturday we travelled to Georgia to compete in the Pine Top Horse Trials. Because there were only three of us competing and we all had late ride times, we had a nice leisurely start to the day, arriving at the show around noon or so. Quite a change to the marathon show days I experienced over the Summer! I was surprisingly not all that nervous, even through our dressage warm-up and test. The test itself I felt was much better than the tests we had performed on Wednesday. I felt that Ruby was more consistently round and on the bit, forward and responsive to aids, even her canter to the right was not the total horror show it had been on Wednesday (although not fantastic). Still, our score was a poor one. Since that ride however, I've been able to look beyond the score and focus on the positive parts we had in the test. With Ruby and dressage I always come away feeling that there were some great parts and some terrible parts, so the great pieces give me hope for our future someday. I know that dressage will never be our strongest phase, but I do have faith that it will get better with time.

As is typical for me at these events, I was incredibly nervous for the stadium jumping phase. I'm not sure what about stadium freaks me out so much, but my nerves seem to reach the apex for this warm-up. Ruby either felt the same way, or fed off of my nerves because she decided to throw some freakazoid behavior at me in the warm-up field. She did a bit of her buck/jump/small bolt routine (which was thankfully only a shade of the craziness I experienced at Groton House last year), but it was enough to make me a good bit of a wreck. It was right around this time that a big freight train (complete with loud whistle) decided to pass through the edge of the property and our warm-up was pretty much done! Luckily I was able to go into the ring shortly after that. Once we got started, however, our stadium round was pretty good. We were double clear (no time faults), but I didn't feel that the round was quite as smooth or consistent as we are capable of. Still, we got through it and I was relieved! Once out of the ring, I dismounted right away as Ruby was being a snorty beast and I was a bit mentally fried. But for all my worry, we actually ended up with a pretty good day.

On Sunday we had another leisurely start to the day (again we all had late ride times) and arrived with ample time to walk the cross-country course. Because some severe thunderstorms were due to come through, they were trying to hustle everyone through and the ride times had all been moved up. So, once we had walked our cross-country course and bolted down lunch, we pretty much just started getting ready. Of course, the moment I got on the horse, the hard rain started! Although, I can't complain really, because we had been blessed with perfect weather all week long. It was rather odd weather, we would have these bursts of torrential rain and then the sun would come out. Then it would rain again, all in relatively short periods of time.

I don't know if it was the weather, or the set-up or what, but I found the warm-up a little wild. I was not feeling very brave there (as is usually the case in a jumping warm-up area for me) and just wanted to get to the start box and ride my ride. I did a little bit of warm-up and very soon the steward said that I could make my way up to the start. Once through the count-down and off, I felt much better, even though Ruby was quite squirrely. The first section required that you ride adjacent to and then away from the warm-up field and most of the horses really hated this. Ruby was no exception. She came down to the first fence at a good pace, but obviously thinking about the field of horses behind her, so I was very firm with my leg and balanced her and I felt like we ended up with a nice fence. Second fence, more or less the same, still a little distracted by the field of horses we were leaving, but less so, I concentrated on balancing her and being firm with my leg and we ended up with a nice and steady fence. Third jump was a jump up a decent bank into the next field, Ruby was getting down to business and starting to focus on the task at hand. But something happened, we took a bad spot, or maybe I didn't have her balanced enough, but Ruby stumbled up the bank, scrambled, but just could not get her feet under her in time. As we started to go down, I knew there was nothing I could do as we were going down together. One of my biggest first thoughts was, "crap. I'm going to be eliminated". Very soon after that it was, "crap. I'm under the horse!" Ruby kind of skidded and then pushed off from me. I lay there for a moment feeling hurt, but not really injured, rolled over on my side, propping myself up on one elbow and watched Ruby first cantering and then (once she realized she was free) galloping up the field. Apparently she had a lovely mad gallop past the warm-up field and down the dirt access road (picking up a friend along the way who managed to get loose and join her) before someone was able to shoo and corral her into a paddock.

Relatively quickly the jump judge, or someone (not sure who he was), drove up to me in the field to see if I was okay. I made the mistake of mentioning that the horse had fallen on me and they immediately announced for an ambulance. I think at this point Ruby was pretty much running past Alison sans rider and so she took off at a run for the field where I was sitting. Surprisingly though, when all was said and done, I was pretty much okay. It could have been a lot worse. I am more upset about Ruby and feel like I failed her somehow. I failed to keep her safe. I also feel disappointed and somewhat embarrassed, but mostly I'm upset for Ruby. She is so honest and bold and willing and basically just MADE for cross-country, I am seriously worried that I've now tarnished that good attitude of hers. Alison said later that she will be fine. That she IS fine. A good horse usually remains a good horse and that it would take a whole lot more than an accident such as this to change that good brain of hers. So, I've been reliving that jump in my head ever since. Thinking it through, trying to figure out what I did wrong. I honestly don't think we were too fast. I actually remember thinking that our pace was nice and steady and conservative over the first two jumps The third was not so far enough away from those to have been able to get up much of a head of steam. Maybe I didn't have her balanced enough. I think I remember that she perhaps did a little bit of a stutter step before the jump, like she almost changed her mind about her spot, but I'm not entirely sure. In any case, she tripped, and just didn't find her feet quickly enough. I'm sure I'll be thinking about this for quite a while to come.

So the week was fantastic and I felt that it was really a shame to end on such a negative note! Part of me wonders if I was just pushing my luck by adding this competition onto the end of the week. Perhaps I should have been happy with the week and left well enough alone. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20 and all that. Immediately after the fall I was thinking that no way will I do an event like this at the end of a camp week again. But now part of me would also like to redeem myself at Pine Top, so I don't know. In any case, I have a year to think about it.

House Selling (not)

Well, apparently my house is worth practically nothing, so I guess I'm not even going to bother trying to sell after all. I'm very, very disappointed and not a little depressed about it all right now.

Hypnosis: Check-in on Progress

It's been a little over a week now since I had my hypnosis session and I have to say that I think it's been going very well. I definitely feel calmer and I am amazed at how much more in control I feel of my eating.

There were a number of times during the week when I've let myself get pretty hungry and I started craving bad stuff as a result, yet I still managed to stick to the chicken & asparagus or the whole wheat pasta or the yogurt that I already had in my fridge. I went to the grocery store at 7 PM one night, before I had had dinner and yet I managed to come away with all healthy stuff. I did not buy even one sweet or prepared meal (other than Lean Cuisine) or pizza or whatever. I'm especially amazed that I was able to carry all of this through the weekend. The weekends are definitely my weakest times, but I did not stray off of my plan even once. I feel so much more on top of this than I have in a long time.

I was also better about exercising in general, but still not quite as good as I want to be. I definitely let poor sleep, work busy-ness and poor planning interfere with exercise, so this is something to be aware of and know that it is something that I need to push myself through.

Perhaps most amazing of all is how my levels of stress and anxiety have been affected. I can't say that I haven't felt any of the above, but before the hypnosis, what would have caused galloping, out-of-control anxiety and stress for me, triggered a reaction that has been more like butterflies. Just flutters, really.

So, I have to say that so far I'm a fan of hypnosis! I'm not sure if maybe it's the "placebo effect", but something seems to be working for me.

House Hunting

I had a realtor to my home on Saturday after which we went to see a few condos. The tour of my house went fine, he seemed to like my house well enough, liked what I've done with it and thought that it showed well. Of course the real information will come from the market analysis that he'll do, so I'll know more once he's done that number crunching. He did say that the market has picked up some and that he is seeing the most activity now from first-time buyers, which I think may be an advantage for me. Mine is the type of place that appeals to the first-time buyer, I think. It's a 3-bedroom, 2.5 bath house for an entry-level price, It's in a complex where lawn care and plowing/shoveling is provided and it's one of only two properties in the complex that has a fenced-in backyard (one of the big things that appealed to me, as a buyer). Larry (the realtor) also said that right now the rates are relatively low which is also helping to motivate buyers, the tax credits that are available now help too. So, it will all come down to, first, what asking price his analysis comes up with and then, whether there is someone out there who is willing to pay it. I'm not desperate, I don't have to sell, so I am in a pretty good position in that regard. Whether I even put it on the market will depend on that market analysis though, so I should have a decision about that in a few days or so.

After all that it was on to see the condos. I am really only interested in properties in this one complex. I figure that if I'm going to go to all the trouble and expense to move, I want to be in a very specific location. This place is located about three miles down the road from the barn where I board Ruby. It's also only about fifteen or so minutes from work, so this is probably the most attractive part of it for me. Additionally, however, the townhouses are quite nice, and there are some great advantages to the property like extensive walking trails, river views/access and a swimming pool, among other things that appealed to me.

The first property that we looked at was the nicest. It had been somewhat renovated with new flooring -- beautiful Australian cyprus in the living room, slate hallways and kitchen (I LOVE slate, always wanted to do some slate flooring in my home), stone tile floors in the bathrooms and high-end, lovely berber carpet on the stairs and upstairs. There are two good-sized bedrooms and a loft area in the master, which would work for an office, a little den or perhaps as a location for my treadmill. This unit also has a finished basement with a walkout and a very large laundry area. There are a few things that need some work, definitely the kitchen needs some upgrading and new appliances. And the bathrooms could use a little upgrading too, although, not really a huge necessity, a big renovation wouldn't be needed on the bathrooms, a little facelift there would work wonders.

The second property was the exact layout as the first, only without the renovations and without the basement/walkout. It was nice to have seen the other property first, to help to have a vision for how this one could possibly look. However, it's hard to get around the absence of the basement/walkout space. This one only had a crawl space for a basement (the laundry was a stackable on the second floor), so the overall useable square footage is much less. The asking price was also about 25K less, so that's a big thing to consider.

We then saw one or two (I can't even remember, I'm already losing track and it's only been one day!) with an alternative layout. This one you enter into the living room, the kitchen is at the back and the glass doors and deck are off the kitchen. In the other units, you enter into a hallway, the kitchen is off the hallway and then the hallway opens up into the living room, with the glass doors and deck off of the LR. The units with the LR in the front are smaller and more narrow, the bedrooms are smaller and there is no loft in the master bedroom. I definitely preferred the other layout, I found it much more spacious, felt that it flowed much better and I preferred having the deck off of the living room. One of these was obviously a bank-owned foreclosure and was an absolute MESS, so it would need a ton of work.

Lastly was a unit that Larry had been unable to get access to. It is still occupied and the listing realtor had not responded. But we took a walk by it anyway, to see the location and I have to say that I was intrigued when I saw how it was situated. This unit is my preferred layout and it looks out over the walking trail (the trail passes right beside the deck) and the river just beyond that, so it seems like it could be lovely. There is no walkout with this one however, so there would be a tradeoff (and I haven't seen it yet, so I don't have an idea of what shape it's in).

So, overall, I liked the first place the best as it is move-in ready and I loved what they've done with the flooring. It's got the most space and having the finished basement/walkout would provide the most flexibility and options. It is the most expensive, however, it is also empty and has been on the market for 30 days (and counting) so perhaps there would be some negotiation possible there. Also, the argument can be made that the kitchen needs some work, so, despite the upgraded flooring throughout, it still should not be commanding top dollar.

After thinking awhile about the properties that I saw, I think that I've decided that I am not interested in the second layout option (kitchen in the back). But whether I can live without the basement/walkout is still on the table. If there is a huge price difference and there are some other advantages (like the view and immediate proximity to the walking trail with the unit I didn't see), then maybe I can get over having that extra space. I still have to think about all this. I CAN say however, that a few things have stuck in my mind since yesterday.

They are:

* The lovely, lovely hardwood, slate and berber flooring in that first unit. I keep thinking about how nice the place was. (Yes, I'm shallow, always going for the appearance).
* I loved how all the units have forced hot air (from a town gas line! no oil or propane delivery required) and central air.
* LOVED the walking trail. I just think that I would get so much use out of that. I especially keep thinking of how nice it would be to right beside it in that one unit.

The more I think about it, the more I think that my quality of life would be improved by moving to a place in this location. The proximity to the barn is one of the biggest advantages. I'm losing about an hour a day driving back & forth and I can tell you there are plenty of days where I've talked myself out of it for this very reason, not to mention those days in the Fall when I just run out of sunlight. Also because of the access to trails (both on the property and town & state trails very close by), I would have more time and ability to get the dogs out for decent walks or runs. Less wasted time driving, more stuff immediately available. These places are going to be much more energy efficient -- my current house has electric heat (UGH!) and because there is no duct work, central air is not doable. I cool it adequately with a ductless, split-system A/C, but it would be nice just not to have to deal (I worry about the maintenance of the external duct thing on the outside of the house). The condo units would be smaller than I have now, but I think perfectly adequate for my needs. And certainly if I want to renovate something (like the kitchen), it will be a lot more doable with a smaller space anyway. I know people who live in these condos and I have not heard one negative thing about it, so I feel pretty good about it so far. So, I don't know. Bottom line is, I don't hate where I am, but I think my life would be better there. So, I've decided to continue to move forward. I'll see if the market analysis stops me cold in my tracks.

The Communicator

I find it hilarious how every time I have any kind of evaluation at work, it is emphasized how fantastic I am at communication. No one seems to notice that I'm a complete introvert and extremely socially awkward. I guess I either, A) know how to make up for it, or, B) how to fake it. Either way it takes effort and is exhausting!

Sundry

* I'm not quite sure why, but every conversation I have with my father leads to my defensiveness and even sometimes irritation, over the most mundane of topics. Case in point: Today he was asking how Tig's obedience class was going. And then he went on to say something to the effect that I must have a goal to make him "sane". What? He's just an excited dog, but he's a good boy. My response was, "no, the goal is for him to be happy. To give him something fun to do. To engage his mind. And to reinforce our bond." Whatever.

* Speaking of Tig, I took him on a very nice, long walk/hike/run/whatever in Mine Falls Park today. We saw a good number of other people, as well as dogs, during our outing and Tig was each time completely focused on me and willing to stick by my leg on a loose leash. He's really come a long way.

* On my way to the park this morning, I took a drive through the condo complex that I'm interested in, just to get a feel for the area. The place seems pretty nice and there also appears to some conservation land that abuts the property to East, which is a plus. Also, I noticed that the decks on the townhouse units are actually a bit bigger than I had originally thought. Still smaller than what I currently have, but larger than I had been thinking, so that's a plus. It was nice to see how close we would be to Mine Falls Park and other trail areas.

* I'm still a little bit traumatized by our nor'easter/hurricane/tornado or whatever it was that hit Southern NH on Thursday night, into Friday. I do not want to have to repeat that experience any time soon -- it was crazy! And now I'm rather overwhelmed with the task of figuring out how I'm going to address my damaged roof and porch. GAWD! It's always something. Add THIS to the pro list for moving to a condo townhouse.

* Post-hypnosis seems to be going well so far. I have not been tempted to binge (or really, to eat anything not in my best interests) and was motivated to do the walk today.

* I had some text messages from the kid who was riding Ruby this week down in Aiken for my trainer's "Kids' Camp Week". She sent me updates through the week and gushed about how much she loved Ruby. I always enjoy hearing when someone loves my horse and I really appreciated the updates. I told her that she could ride Ruby back in NH if she wants to. I am thinking especially for the weeks I'm on-call when it is hard for me to count on being able to ride at all.

* I'm enjoying this weekend quite a bit, I wish it was a long one!

Hypnosis on a Saturday Morning

I had my hypnosis session today and I think that I'm still trying to process everything. Actually, I think it's going to take me a few days to really get a feel for whether it is working, to see what I'm getting out of it. So far, however, I'm thinking that the result has been positive.

Since this was my first time, the session started with a long talk with the hypnosis therapist. We talked a lot about my goals, my life, both past & present, my feelings, what stresses me out, what fulfills me, what I see as a healthy ideal. It was a very long discussion, but an interesting one. It actually kind of felt like therapy and I feel like he knew me pretty well after all that. Then he spent a little bit of time explaining how the mind works and how hypnosis works and how these things fit together. He told me what to expect and then asked me if I had any concerns and I said, "nope". I guess most people have concerns, but whatever.

Then it was time for the actual hypnosis. I sat in a comfortable recliner and basically just listened to his voice. At no point did I really feel any different. I didn't "go" anywhere or ever feel like I couldn't just open my eyes at any moment. Random, unrelated thoughts did cross through my mind from time-to-time (stuff like, 'what errands do I need to do after this?'), but I was able to let them drift past without latching onto anything. During this session there were a couple of distinct periods where he talked me through deeper & deeper relaxation (mostly by counting and imagery) and the rest of the time he just emphasized the behaviors to help me reach my goals, as well as emphasis on my positive attributes. When it was time to end, he counted me out of it and I opened my eyes and that was pretty much it.

I can't say that I felt any different. I felt pretty relaxed, but at the same time, less tired than I had felt when I had arrived. I was amazed to learn, however, that our hypnosis session had lasted 40 minutes! If someone had asked me, I would have sworn it was no more than 15 minutes, if that. The jury is still out on whether this will have any effect on my behavior in my real life, but I'm willing to be open-minded about it. Already I can say that all I wanted for dinner tonight was a Lean Cuisine, even though I have a steak in my fridge. So that gives me a little bit of encouragement. It will be interesting to also see if there is any effect on my stress/anxiety levels. So I have a lot to think about this week and will be posting updates!

All-in-all, I was there for over 2.5 hours! I signed up for another session for next week, this will be a much shorter session, just the hypnosis part, I think. The therapist said for this type of work that three sessions are recommended. He said that after the three, most people are pretty well on track. We'll see.

Boxers are the Best

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a kid person. And I'm especially not a a baby person. But even I thought this was unbelievably adorable. Of course, I am completely in love with the dog, not the kid, but you expected that. Right?

Wet Dog

My Boxer, Tig, is the biggest water weenie that I've ever met. Human or canine, that's saying a lot. Big time wimp.

So, tonight it's pouring down rain. I mean, teeming, driving, torrential rain. And of course at some point Tig has to desperately go out. That is until I open the door and he sees the rain. I guess he had to pee pretty badly though, because he jumped outside anyway, after a big hesitation. Normally, he would immediately back away from the door when he saw that kind of rain. So out he slinks, looking over his should at me (which means that I now have to go out there with him). So, Tig gets half-way out in the yard and decides, nope, it's not worth it and bolts back for the door. Ugh, I know how this is going to go. He's going to go back in the house and will just start bugging me to go out again, so, no freaking way! So, I corral him back across the deck and back down the stairs, and he tries to get back to the door. I block, he bolts around me and back to the door, I chase him back down in to the yard. And so it goes, back & forth in crazy freaking rain until we're both completely and utterly soaked. Finally he stands there at the bottom of the steps shivering and looking at me. I stand at the bottom of the stairs and shoo him farther into the yard. FINALLY he gets to business, trots a little way out, sniffs and pees and then runs again for the door, this time I let him go, of course. He could have peed in 20 seconds and gotten it over with, without all the drama, I didn't need to be now sitting here soaking wet and freezing. Stupid dog, SHEESH!

Edited to Add @ 9:31 PM: Heaven help me, that dog wants to go out again!

Edited to Add # 9:42 PM: And ... I'm soaked again. The dog looks at me like the weather is my fault or something.

Moving "Fantasy" Update

As an update to my moving fantasy of the other day: I bit the bullet earlier in the week and sent a query to a real estate agent. He called me last night and I was able to discuss with him at length what I was thinking of doing. He seems to think that it may perhaps be doable. Maybe. He said that there are some tax incentives for buyers right now, so he thinks that I should get my place on the market immediately to take advantage of this possible motivation. The tax incentive expires sometime in April, so if someone is potentially interested in my place, there is a big advantage to them having a contract in place by the April, whatever cut-off date.

I'm a little overwhelmed, to put it mildly.

In any case, he's going to come by my house next weekend to do a market analysis and then we're going to go look at some townhouses in the complex that I'm interested in. I guess it can't hurt to take a stab at this, I don't have to sell if I suddenly chicken out, or don't get a decent enough offer. Still ... yikes!

Edited to Add: I should mention that my real real estate fantasy is to buy some charming cottage in Hollis. But I'm unlikely to be able to realistically afford this anytime soon (or in my lifetime, if I'm going to truly be honest with myself). The condo idea above is my current, semi-realistic fantasy. Just so we're clear.

Hypnosis Scheduled

Well, I have an appointment set for the hypnosis place. Unfortunately, I couldn't get anything before next Saturday, but it will be here soon enough. Should be interesting, I'll make a point of posting about my experience.

I always have one fantasy or another going

I've been fantasizing this week about downsizing a little bit. Selling my house and buying a townhouse close to where I board my horse. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea. But the thought of it also completely overwhelms me. So, I'm making out a pro & con list. Here is what I've come up with so far:

Pros

* Cheaper (smaller mortgage, less property taxes, may be less HOA (not sure about that last one)
* MUCH closer to the barn. Like by 25 mins each way -- this is HUGE to me.
* A bit smaller (less to clean and less area to keep track of), might be a warmer space in the Winter (lower utility bills).
* Central air (at least the place I was thinking of).
* Closer to Nashua amenities (like Trader Joes, hello!)
* Less stuff to maintain (yard, outside stuff).
* This particular place has a swimming pool.
* The condo place I'm thinking of also has walking trails.
* There are at least three other areas of conservation land trails very close by.
* It's just beside the border to my favorite town (Hollis).
* I'd be closer to some of my cousins and some other people I know from the barn.

Cons

* No backyard or screened porch, smaller deck. much less personal outdoor space.
* Attached walls.
* No garage.
* Smaller space (can be looked at as both a plus and a minus).
* Only 1.5 baths, no master bath (I don't think).
* Selling and buying and closing and moving is enormously expensive, not to mention a huge pain-in-the-butt.
* I currently have an excellent mortgage rate, it would piss me off to have a higher %.
* I'm sure I couldn't get as much for my house right now as I paid for it.
* All the work I would have to have done on my house in order to even think about selling it.
* Sure would miss being able to just let the dogs out all the time.
* Being in an attached townhouse, the dogs might bark more (I don't care so much, but neighbors might object).


Break-even stuff

* About the same distance to work (give or take maybe 3 minutes).
* Both locations are pretty close to grocery stores, etc.
* With the outlay of money it takes to sell, buy and move, the money part might actually break even for a while.

Most likely this is all a moot point because I suspect that I would not be able to sell my house for near enough for it to make any sense. I think the biggest reason that I'm fantasizing about this right now is because I really, really, really want to be closer to Ruby, while not adding any time to my commute. And the idea of paying less per month, in general, is a very attractive idea too. If I could get what I paid for my house it would absolutely make sense. But it is a whole lot of trouble, not to mention up-front expense, to jump through the hoops to be in a position to even think about selling. Well, maybe I'll look into it come Spring, see if I can find someone to recommend a real estate agent. Or maybe I'll put the thought on the back burner and think about it again in another year. Food for thought anyway.

Hypnosis

Heaven help me, but I just sent an email to a hypnosis center in an adjacent town. I have to find a way to combat this continued anxiety, and the idea of hypnosis has always intrigued me. I would also be interested to see if it could help me with fitness goals, general focus, finding a "center", etc. I guess it couldn't hurt to check it out anyway, if I don't feel it's for me, I don't have to go back. If nothing else, it might make for an interesting blog post.

Ski Racing

A very brief video of my nephew at a recent ski race -- just a glimpse as he flies past:



He made the qualifier for the Western Junior Olympics!

Worry, Worry, Worry

I've been feeling a little, I don't know ... lost over the past week or two. I think most of it is stemming from worry. Mostly worry about work. I am worried about continuing to have a job. I worry about the stuff I'm working on, I worry about the stuff I may end up working on. I worry about what I don't know, or whether I am learning enough, or quick enough. I worry about the stuff I haven't learned yet or the stuff I can maybe learn, but perhaps need assistance with at first (and how to ask, or who to ask). I worry about the stuff other people are given to do. I worry about being out of the loop. I worry about being so much in the loop that I can't devote enough time or attention to any, one thing. I worry about what team members think about me, I worry about what customers think about me. Worry, worry, worry, worry. I worry so much and so constantly that my heart literally pounds and my breath comes so fast that I actually pant. I'm basically a bit of a wreck right now. It's a shame because I had such a nice period where I actually felt comfortable and content at work. I guess my anxiety took a bit of a holiday, but it's back in full-swing now.

(I hate to admit it, but I even worry that I haven't written a blog post in a while, or what I'm going to write about, or how to write it, or whatever. I am such a freak!)

I think this is partially the result of the current climate (both economically and the changes that have been going on at my company) and partially it is just my nature and my continued feelings of insecurity and my lack of self-esteem. I do know that if I could push myself to exercise more, that would help balance my emotions. If I could sleep a little better, that would help too. I have always craved for a feeling of financial/employment security and I have never, ever really felt it, no matter what job I had at the time. I'm not sure if this is just my general emotional make-up or if it's also a little bit of mild PTSS from a period of time growing up when my father was unemployed. Perhaps the feelings of worry from my parents during that time of my life leaked into my psyche and made more of a lasting impression than I realized. Whatever the cause, I need to think of healthy ways to deal with this continued anxiety.

I miss my horse very much, and I know that when I'm riding, I truly do not think about anything else at all. However, it's also hard to motivate myself to ride during the Winter and she is also doing so wonderfully down in Aiken (she got THIRD in her division at the Sporting Days HT on Sunday!) that I don't at all regret sending her down there. She is going to come back a much better horse than she left, I know that. I am also looking forward to having her for my week in Aiken at the end of March. That will hopefully be an entire week where I won't think or worry about work (or not much anyway).

Taking Tig to his new obedience class is helping a bit too. He and I are both enjoying the class and I make sure that I spend at least a little bit of time each day on our "homework". It's great to have some productive time that has absolutely nothing to do with work, and that also has nothing to do with my weight or my fitness level, another source of worry & anxiety, let me tell you.

When I exercise I actually think about work quite a bit. But I think about it with more perspective, or more reasonable perspective anyway. I have found that it really can help me balance my emotions and my worries. I can puzzle out problems and I feel better about the things that I can't control. So, I think that has to be my goal going forward. Do something (anything!) for exercise everyday. Even if it's just taking a dog for a 15 minute walk. SHEESH. What a mess I am.