The Joys of Hacking

One of the things that I love about my barn is the access we have to a fabulous network of trails. A short ride through a neighborhood sub-division to the trail head and there is miles and miles of conservation land, with beautiful groomed trails that are maintained by a local snowmobile club. The trails are perfect for a relaxing, meandering ride, for a long sets of trotting, cantering over varying terrain, bits of gallop, a small stream to cross if you want to get your horse used to passing through water, plenty of up and down hills to build fitness and balance, there is even a vast orchard at the end of one trail with hills and open fields and sweeping 360° views ... We really do have access to a little bit of everything on our trails.

Living in New England, however, we do have to cope with quite a bug season during a good part of the Summer. Flies and gnats and mosquitos are one thing, the deer flies are another. When the deer flies are at their thickest, the only way to really negotiate the trails is at a canter and gallop. Anything slower and your horse is just completely swarmed. This has its own element of fun because, during this part of the season, I have to be a bit inventive about the route I take so that I can go at the right pace the whole way to escape the bugs.  There is a fair shot down to a hard-packed sand parking lot that is ideal for a good gallop. It usually takes me about 3-3.5 minutes of galloping on that part of the trail and then in the middle of the trip I would throw in 3-4 5-minute trot sets (with a couple of minutes of walking in between) in the sand lot. Between the walk up & back though the sub-division, the canter through the bit of trail at the trail head, trot down the steep trail to the "gallop" trail, 3-3.5 minutes down to the sand lot, my series of trot sets and the gallop back up the trail (and up the steep hill), it is a fair ride in a pinch. Ruby has certainly enjoyed it. (I did get a little tired of the tediousness of the parking lot trot sets though). And so I managed to make it work during the worst of the bug season while also very much enjoying the fact that I am comfortable enough with my horse to hack her out and gallop down the trail alone.

Happily, about a week or so ago I happened to go out for a trail ride and noticed that the deer flies were suddenly greatly, greatly reduced. Hallelujah! In the past week I have been able to: introduce a barn friend on his new horse to the trail system for quiet ride; a very energetic trot and canter set trail, just Ruby & me; and an exploring trail with another friend on Sunday when we had plenty of time. And so hack & trail season can begin again with a big variety of possible rides in any given week. I think it is so important to intersperse the hacking days with the schooling days in the ring. I find that after a hacking day Ruby is so relaxed and more naturally forward. Working with the terrain changes helps build fitness and encourages the horse to learn how to carry herself at different gaits over uneven footing, up hill and down hill, and teaches me how to ride it as well.

In addition to the usual hacking benefits, I'll also sometimes throw in a little leg yielding and shoulder-in on the trail, I'll do some within-canter transitions and other flat work that we're schooling back in the ring. But one of my favorite things to work on during hacks are trot lengthenings. There is just something about an energetic hack that seems to encourage a great trot lengthen to happen organically, where in the ring it is just ... Not. Happening. It's wonderfully refreshing to just suddenly feel Ruby lift her back, reach down even more for the contact, engage her haunches and just switch into this ground-covering version of trot that I just can't seem to get in the ring (at least not yet). When I get this trot, I just go with it and enjoy. Now to learn how to translate it into the ring!

The other thing I enjoy about hacking is that I can relax about my own riding. I stop thinking about all the stuff that I can't do, or can't seem to do right. I don't think about position or effectiveness or how I don't feel my hands are elastic enough, or how I feel that my leg aids are not subtle or precise enough ... I just ride, and manage to feel reasonably competent while doing it too.

I would never want to replace Dressage or Stadium or Cross-Country for just hacking out in the woods, but I definitely feel that it has a very important place in my riding life and in Ruby's program. I'm very happy to have such great hacking options.

Fear

I mentioned before that I am going through a cycle of fear with my riding. Specifically with jumping. There is no real reason for it (at least this time around). Nothing bad has happened, I have not had a fall, or even (really) a terrible jumping round. No, I just haven't been jumping a lot and the less I jump, the more my fear grows. It's unreasonable, and even a bit nuts, but fear is a hard emotion to get a handle on.



I think I have my trainer convinced now that I can't handle anything "big" and that I hate to jump. This is not really true, however. What I hate is the anticipation of jumping. Once we're on course, I'm usually okay. I'm also better if I go earlier in the rotation, rather than later (if there are three or four people in the class, my nerves are much better if I jump first. If I jump last, I tend to start freaking out more). Once I start a course, however, I'm fairly calm and able to function okay. When I'm looking at a jump course and the jumps are relatively big ("big" for me means around 3 feet), I'll start to freak out, but once we start jumping, I seem to settle into the work. Actually, the bigger ones tend to jump a little nicer, so I might even relax a bit on course with larger fences. Oddly, I am the most relaxed when jumping cross-country. Jumping stadium courses in the ring, I tend to think and worry too much and just want to "get it over-with". Send me out in the field and I'm up for a nice gallop, jumping anything that gets in the way. After a jumping session, I usually feel pretty exuberant, excited that I did it, happy that it went well, a bit of an adrenalin rush. It feels great.



I think the fear is partially physical fear and partially a fear of failure. The physical side of this tends to ebb & flow with how much I’m jumping in any given season and how well it’s going (and, typically, the more I’m jumping, the better it tends to go, things are funny that way). But something I struggle with in many other parts of my life, in addition to riding, is the fear of failure. I can intellectualize the logic of my resistance to starting down an unsure path where success is not assured, but I really struggle with the emotions around this and the resulting inertia. I worry about failure, and so I don’t even try. I worry about looking foolish or stupid. I doubt myself and self-loathing rears its head. It sounds so simple and stupid, just put yourself out there, you don’t have to be perfect! I know, I know, I agree, but it’s just not that simple. It’s an extremely complicated and layered emotional thing. It’s a little easier to see the illustration with something like riding, since the physicality of the activity makes it a little more simple, more black & white, but it’s still there and a very real feeling that paralyzes my willingness to take chances.



Because of my fear issues, in addition to being pretty resistant to jumping in general, I have not been willing to sign up for any competition this year (there is a logistical and time component to this too, but the fear is probably the biggest element). I chickened out on an invitation to go to fox hunting (the opening hunt) this past weekend and I have chickened out on multiple opportunities to go cross-country schooling this Summer. Oddly enough, I have had absolutely no problem with motivating myself to go out hacking alone, including galloping down the trail. Maybe it’s because no one is watching? My horse has been so good in general, that I have reached a point where I really do trust her. I just need to trust myself more. In the meantime, my peers at the barn are all competing and advancing and all doing very well and I am completely left in the dust.



If I am to be honest with myself (and, really, if you can’t be honest on your blog, why even bother?) I will also have to admit that there is another component to my current fear issues. Being significantly overweight and out of shape wreaks havoc on my ability to ride well -- my physical ability to actually do the activity (let’s face it, the tighter and more athletic you are, the more solid and balanced you are going to be careening around a stadium jumping course, and the more solid & balanced you are, the more confident you’re going to feel overall). It also affects my perception of myself, my willingness to take a chance and put myself out there and out of my comfort zone, my concern for looking silly or ridiculous. Hell, when I feel that I am even more porked out than normal, even my willingness to meet new people or interact with people I already know is affected. It’s a vicious circle too. The more self-conscious I am, the more self-loathing sets in, the less likely I am to expose myself to activity and situations where I could look silly or ridiculous or not competent. So, I hide and don’t try new things or put myself out there in general, and of course my activity level decreases. Add to that a 50+ hour a week desk job and any willingness to pursue enough activity to make a dent in my fitness level really suffers. Most weekdays are crazy and I am committed to riding at least three workdays out of five (and both weekend days). I used to be able to schedule gym or running time on my lunch hours at work, but I now have so many lunchtime meetings and commitments, that it hasn’t been realistic in a long time. I am generally at work by 7 and I ride after work, home around 7:30-8 PM and in bed by 9. So there isn’t a lot of wiggle room on these days for fitting something else in (especially something in the mid-day when I will need a shower afterwards). What I must do, however, is make a commitment to do some other activity (running, yoga, spinning, even just a long walk with the dogs) on the days where I don't have riding commitments. Thursdays are a good target (I have lessons on Tuesday & Wednesdays and usually plan to ride on Mondays as well). If could just get myself to run or take a yoga class or go to the gym on Thursdays & Fridays and one day (in addition to riding) on the weekend, I think that would be a great start. It would also really help if could sleep better during the week and not be so unbelievably exhausted by Thursday. Okay, I’m making excuses. I just need to suck it up and make a plan.





A long and rambling post to my conclusions … I absolutely know what some of these things are that are holding me back, in life, in general, but in riding in particular. But how do I overcome them? That is really the meat of the problem. I can blather about it all endlessly, I can self-analyze with the best of them, but what I really need is a concrete action plan. Hmmm, more on this in future posts, I think …

Inspiration

I was streaming some of the NBC Eventing Dressage coverage from the Olympics yesterday and found myself quite inspired for a different reason than the inspiration I normally will get out of watching coverage of (for lack of a better term) "pure" Dressage, or even Eventing cross-country or stadium jumping. The Eventing Dressage seemed almost ... in my grasp. At least many of the movements are movements that I am already schooling, or thinking about with my horse. "Pure" Dressage is a pleasure to watch. But, let's face it, the odds that I will ever accomplish anything even approaching tempi changes, piaffe, passage, pirouettes, etc. are pretty remote. But Eventing Dressage at the Olympic level? Counter-Canter? We're almost ready to school this. Shoulder-In? Check (maybe not well-done, but we're working on it). Extended Canter? We're working on Medium now. Extended Trot. Not sure if Ruby will do Extended, but we're working on Lengthen Trot, and Extended is not outside the realm of my experience. Flying changes? I'm beginning to believe that could happen. Half Pass? Side Pass, anyway. All the movements I watched on the streaming coverage seemed familiar and even somewhat reachable (at least to a degree).

Grand Prix Dressage is an absolute joy to watch. But from a "pie-in-the-sky", not in my wildest dreams-type of perspective. Advanced Level (and, well, let's face it, anything over Training Level) Eventing cross-country or stadium? Same thing, jaw-dropping to watch, but completely out of my reach, of course. Eventing Dressage, in comparison, was almost comforting in how feasible it actually seemed.

Thus inspired, I blew off Sunday Galloping Day and decided to do some dressage schooling instead (I'm sure if Ruby had had a calendar to consult, she would NOT have been pleased).  After her usual warm-up, some shoulder-in at the walk and then some spirals at the walk, trot and canter, I worked on some change in gait at the trot and then at the canter. Her working-medium-working canter transitions to the left were very nice, to the right is still a bit shaky, but she is trying. To the right we did some more walk-canter transitions as I feel this will really help to strengthen her in this direction, and then also some more spiraling in and out at the canter. Finally, I waited until we had the ring to ourselves and I worked on some big leg-yielding at the canter. When I say "big", I mean that we turned down the long side close to the center-line and leg yielded all the way to the track. We did this a few times very nicely to the left and then we tried the broken-line exercise that we had worked on with Trainer earlier in the week. This also went very nicely, so I decided to try for the right side (always our wonky side). First we did the leg yield exercise and that went fairly well. Not as great as it was to the left, but again, she was trying. I had to use all my strength to support her, and use my inside leg correctly, and to try not to just muscle her over with my upper body. That is my challenge to the right with Ruby. Less rein, more leg. Less rein, more leg. Support with the outside rein, inside rein needs to be MINIMAL. And then we tried the broken line exercise. And, SUCCESS! It was not as nice as it was to the left, but I have to say that it was a solid effort, especially considering that we had to be pretty precise to avoid all the jumps set up in the ring. I decided to call the schooling a success and end on that positive note (after a little walk on a loose rein). Ruby is such a trooper.

And so, I have found very concrete and actionable inspiration out of these Olympics so far. It is always exciting to watch an international competition and to see something that you can actually do (or "almost" do). I mean, watching gymnastics or figure skating is fun sometimes but, I might as well be watching Cirq de Soliel or something. It's entertainment, but not something I can even remotely relate to. Watching Eventing cross-country will be exciting and I can perhaps relate to it on a small scale (and it will be interesting to see how everyone handles what looks to be a very trappy course), but it is also so outside the realm of anything I will ever realistically ride myself. If I was to be honest with myself, I would admit that I will also watch the cross-country with some amount of relief that I will never have to attempt anything at that level.  I will also enjoy watching some of the Dressage event. Knowing how much I struggle at my low level will give me an even greater appreciation of the feats of the Dressage olympians, but I will also watch it with the knowledge that this too is far beyond my grasp. So, the Eventing Dressage phase has become somewhat inspirational for different reasons for me, and I will take whatever motivation I can, wherever I can get it.

Owning a Horse: The Antidote to a Bad Day

I was in a terrible, pissy mood yesterday. Just various irritations and problems at work all loaded on my head that added up to a foul, black temperament by the end of the day. I had a dressage lesson scheduled last night and, up until about 5:30, I wasn't even sure if I was going to be able to get out from under work stuff to be able to go, but I managed to get everything done in time and headed out.




It was hot and sticky with the threat of storms pretty much all day. I wasn't sure how much energy we'd be able to muster. I also had to strap my BlackBerry to my leg in case something came up with work, so I really wasn't starting off the ride on the best possible terms. Still, any day where I manage to ride is a good one, so already Tuesday was improving. After a warm-up on a loose rein, Ruby and I got to work and right away I felt that her stride was energetic and that there was a good swing to her back. I didn't need to do much warm-up or suppling to encourage this, it seemed to happen pretty freely. This was a great sign that we we were going to get some very good work done. Trainer had us do some significant lateral work at the trot in which Ruby was very responsive. We moved on to lateral work combined with transitions during which Ruby was very focused and engaged with the effort. Trainer took advantage of Ruby's willingness and by the fact that I seemed to have garnered enough energy to hold it all together (believe me, sometimes that strength is fleeting) and had us work very hard, first on leg-yielding across the ring at the canter combined with working-medium-working canter transitions, and then on riding a broken line at the canter. Now, this sounds simple enough, but Trainer stressed that this is our first exercise towards developing a counter canter. The broken line took a lot of concentration and focus from Ruby and a lot of concentration, focus and core engagement from me to hold it together, keep the correct bend, keep the quality of the canter, the roundness, the engagement from behind, and the connection through the bridle. It was a lot of moving parts all at once and just knowing what every muscle in my body was doing, while knowing what every muscle in Ruby's body was doing all at the same time was far more than enough to make my crappy work day float completely away. Our efforts to the left were quite nice and I feel that we did the exercise correctly. To the right? Well, that still needs work. Still, I am extremely encouraged when I think of where we were a few months ago when I could not get even a few strides of acceptable canter to save my life. Now we are working on fairly advanced work (advanced for Ruby, and, well, for me).



Just the fact that Trainer felt that we were ready for this and that we were able to pull off some very good moments left me very happy and almost glowing by the time the ride was done. Oh yeah and I was as limp as a rag by the time it was all done too.



My bad, stressful, irritating day at the office? A distant memory. There is plenty to be said for the peaceful hack on horseback and how it "soothes the soul" or some cliched sentiment, but I have to say that a very good, intensely focused session of work with a horse has an incredible amount of merit in my book too.

Another Catch-Up

I have not written in a very long time and for months have thought about abandoning this blog. However, I do miss writing longer posts about the happenings in my life and the brief status updates on Facebook are just not as satisfying to me. So, I am going to attempt to reclaim this space, if only for my own chronicle, irrespective of whether anyone out there is reading.


A big part of why I have not kept up with the blog is that the past year or so has been pretty crazy and overwhelming at work. A number of team members left or went on to other roles which meant that, for nine-ten months or so, another team member and I had to rotate on-call duties every other week. It was shear Hell for me and a lot of things fell out of my life last Summer as a result. Additionally, there have been a number of consuming projects at work that have also sucked up a lot of time and energy over the past year, all contributing to a lack of time and a change of focus. With all that said, however, my efforts over the past year have been noticed and rewarded (very, very good reviews, resulting raise, etc.) and I feel that I have also grown quite a bit in my professional expertise. As painful as the past year has been at work, I think it has also put me in a good place professionally. In other words, the end result was worth the pain.


Things have now quieted down some. Although, there is still plenty going on at work to cause me ongoing anxiety and worry, I think I just have to resign myself to the fact that this will most likely always be the case. I am a worrier. I also have major issues with confidence and self-esteem, so this is just something I have to fight on a daily basis. But work is not quite as “frantic” at the moment, which has given me more wiggle room to once again try to achieve balance in my life.


This winter (2012) was the first winter since I got Ruby that I did not send her south to SC. This was something that I really went back-and-forth on, but I finally decided that I wanted to re-establish my riding focus during the season (especially coming off of a long stretch of time where work interfered with my ability to get out and ride consistently) and I also felt that Ruby didn’t need to go down for more training. It was more important to get my momentum back, as well as to continue to build the bond and relationship between us. During the winter I was able to take a private lesson once a month with a FEI Dressage coach. I also attended two barn lessons each week, in addition to the schooling I did on my own. I probably averaged riding four times a week (sometimes five). It was not an intense schedule, but good enough to keep us both going. We had our struggles though. I really struggled with my own riding competence (basically, I went through a couple of months of sheer incompetence) and Ruby struggled through some very unbalanced flat work. It was almost as if we both were back at square one. I think a big part of this was due to a real slacking off on my part over the months leading up to the winter with my work schedule. There were large gaps in the work I did with Ruby over the second half of 2011. During that time, due to my crazy work schedule, the few times I did get out to ride I kept to mostly fun or casual rides. Very little actual schooling work was involved. The lack of real focused work really showed up as we entered the winter season and tried to get back to into the swing of regular riding.


Usually the first thing that falls apart with Ruby when not in regular work is the right lead canter, followed by the canter over all. Then we lose overall impulsion. There might be moments of round relaxed trotting, but most of the session would be fraught with long periods of tension and resistance. Add to this frustration and general incompetent flailing on my part and, well, we’re pretty much a mess. Ruby’s canter became somewhat hollow and we could not get in more than a couple of strides of right lead canter before she would switch behind to cross-canter. I also seemed to lose all confidence in myself to get around a jump course adequately. Any jump session was met with terrible nerves and hyperventilating.


It was not all bad. I got quite a lot out of each session with the Dressage coach. I would see significant improvement by the end of each ride and I had many takeaways from my time with her that stick in my mind even now. Ann, the assistance trainer who had me for Thursday night lessons, probably saw the worst of me during the winter. But I did have a major breakthrough with her one night too, and she may not even realize it. She talked me through establishing real contact with Ruby one night. Something that I think I probably used to do correctly (at least some of the time), but with all my slacking off had lost along the way. I think I had forgotten the real feel of it and needed to have it hammered back into my head. That one session, by the end of our lesson, I once again felt the connection through real contact and it was like a light bulb went on in my head. It did take me a while to be able to establish and keep it on my own again when riding after the lesson. First ride I was able to get it for a while, and then it faded on subsequent rides for a while. But that’s okay, now that I had the feel and knew what I was striving for, it was something I was able to once again work towards, even if I was only able to get it at first for a few strides here and there.


Mike, the Wednesday night trainer, also was able to help me quite a bit in some jumping exercises. One session in particular he had me for a private and we worked on jumping two jumps on a 20 meter circle, just establishing the rhythm and a good canter and pace to each jump. It was a simple exercise, but it calmed me down, steadied me, steadied Ruby and got me to think about jumping as more of an extension of flatwork, rather than something to just get done (and over with). I still think this is an exercise that I should be doing regularly on my own. If I could convince myself to jump more, that is.


In March I decided to take Ruby’s canter completely back to basics. I decided that for the canter, all we were going to work on were transitions and nothing else. This is what I did when I first got her and could not reliably get her to canter at all. During that time, I worked on transitions for my own purposes, to take the anxiety out of the movement to the point where I knew I would get a canter, ANY canter. Well, the transition was still established. In even our worst work over the winter, I could still always get a canter. The canter I would get just usually wasn’t one I wanted to keep. So that’s where we started. On a 20 meter circle, ask for canter, canter a couple of strides, downward transition, trot for a couple of strides, canter again. Rinse, repeat. Trot-canter-trot-canter, etc. And then walk-canter-walk-canter, etc. For the month of March and into April, I don’t believe I asked Ruby to canter more than a couple of strides in her flatwork at all.


She started getting stronger and able to hold her canter correctly to the right for longer periods of time. Her left lead canter started getting lovely and round. To the right she stopped swapping behind, the head-tossing lessened and we were able to string together more and more round, organized strides. I added in full circles of cantering and then spiraling in and out at the canter as things improved. Her transitions also became much sharper and cleaner, she would just jump right off of my leg, by the time this exercise was fully established.


About a month and a half ago or so, I noticed that our contact had greatly improved. The periods of tension had lessened, Ruby was more consistently even in the contact and reaching for the contact in all gaits. She seemed overall much more forward, fluid, rhythmic and relaxed. Offering more consistent forward impulsion at the trot meant that I could stop working so hard trying to establish the momentum and that I could now work more on elasticity and adjustment of stride and pace through my seat. Her canter was getting so nice that I started cycling halt-canter transitions into our regular work. I also came up with a warm-up script: after about 6-8 minutes of trot & canter on a loose rein, a few minutes of lateral work at the walk, then we do transitions. Walk-halt-walk-halt, etc. (with some side-pass and turns on the forehands thrown in at some of the halts). Then trot-walk-trot-halts, etc. (mixing it up so it’s not always the same pattern). And then trot-(almost)walk-trot (so, kind of a ¾ halt). And then we’ll move on to some walk-canter and halt-canter transitions. Once we get through all of this, Ruby is usually consistently and delightfully on the aids, even in the contact, round, willingly forward and very sharp with her transitions.


I am at this stage riding pretty consistently six days a week (sometimes we will go seven straight days and then take a day off). We’re now working on transitions within the gait. Her working-to-medium-to-working canter is coming along very, very nicely. I don’t seem to be able to establish as much adjustability in the trot work, surprisingly. However, we HAVE had some beautiful trot lengthenings on the trail, I just can’t seem to get the same quality in the ring. Anyway, it’s a work in progress and very satisfying work it is. I feel that we are finally at a pretty good place in our flatwork where I now have something to work with. We have our good days and our bad days, but I feel that the progress is so considerable that I am very, very happy with the work and encouraged overall. In addition to the flatwork, we have jumping days and hacking/gallop days, so Ruby’s program is pretty well-rounded right now.


My biggest stumbling block with the jumping side of my discipline is my own mind. I seem to go through cycles of bravery and fear and right now I am in a fear pattern. I believe it most directly relates to how much I have been jumping or, more accurately, NOT jumping within any period of time. Since I haven’t been jumping a ton, I am right now more fearful than I was about a year or so ago. The solution is to jump more. I know this, but I have to be coerced! I had a private stadium jumping lesson last week and it went very well. Ruby jumped beautifully, we were jumping almost up to our previous heights, we did full courses, including a two-stride and a triple bar, my position was great, I rode well and I actually thought about each part of the course as I came to it, rather than just trying to hurry through and get it over with. I need to now take that away and jump more often so I don’t become such a freak every time I have to jump in a lesson. Which means that I have to force myself to jump more on my own. Which means that I have to get over myself!


An additional note on jumping: As a side benefit to all the flat work we’ve been doing, Ruby’s course work has also improved. Jumping has always been her strong suit, however she also likes to motorcycle around a bit and blow off the rider’s aids in the corners and around turns. Last week in our jump courses, she was much more responsive on the turns, more willing to listen and bend into the corners and much more round, nicer canter overall.


About competing. Well, I decided to put that on hold for now. Last year I successfully moved up to the Novice division (for non-horse people, if you’re still reading, in the Eventing discipline, this is approximately 3-foot jumps). I eeked it out on very little riding in the month leading up to the event in July. Afterwards I was riding so little that competition was not something I would even consider. This year I have certainly been riding enough to participate in any competition, but my desire has not been there. I think that work has just been so busy and so stressful, and after putting in about fifty hours per week, I just dread the thought of adding the stress and unbelievably long, exhausting days of a competition into the mix. I need my down time on the weekends. Ruby DID, however, go to The Groton House Horse Trials with my trainer’s working student about four weeks ago. They finished on third on their dressage score of 28.5! Proof enough to me that all of our flat work really has paid off.


So the past year and a half has had many ups & downs for both my work life and my riding life. I feel like I have made a lot of progress though, and am happy for where I am. With the riding, I have been enjoying my horse even more than ever and really do feel like the journey is so incredibly satisfying. Just seeing the progress in dribs & drabs and then looking back to see where we were only a few months ago is exhilarating to me.

Life & Depression

I know that I haven't updated this blog in about a year. I keep meaning to get back to it, but life intervenes and I feel like I have so much to write to catch up, that updating everything here becomes pretty overwhelming.

I am just dropping a line to say that I am going through a very rough time right now. I've recently accepted that I have been struggling with depression for most of my life and this year it just seems to have gotten markedly worse. I am sure the stress I have been under has contributed considerably to this, but can't really be blamed for all of my feelings. If I look back I can recognize that I have felt this way to varying degrees for most of my life. I recently started counseling and so I have begun to try and deal with it, but in the meantime I am just struggling with daily feelings of self-loathing, inadequacy, panic & anxiety and a whole host of related feelings that are making me fairly miserable (and, not to mention, weepy).

I am thankful for my dogs and for my horse. The animals in my life make me smile and help me to relax and find enjoyable moments everyday. Riding in particular helps me to forget everything else for awhile. I have never found anything else that allows me to do this, so I am grateful to have a horse in my life! It may have taken me decades to be able to achieve a horsey life, and I may not be able to ride nearly as much as I want to, but I am thankful for what I have.

After a year's hiatus, I would be surprised if anyone reads this, but that's okay. I feel a little bit better for having written it.

The Hunt Field

Ruby and I are the pinto (brown & white) horse smack dab in the middle of the field of bay horses. Stand out much?

On Running

I haven't really written much of an update on my running program. Well, let's face it, I haven't really written much of an update about anything much in a long time. But I did want to sketch out the highlights.

I went through the beginning running schedule through the class that I was taking with my local Y. For the most part this worked out pretty well and it did a good job of generally keeping me on track. Having each week's requirements in black & white and not wanting to fall behind were very good motivators to keep me on the schedule. I think the max of straight running that I was able to do (running without a walk-break) was 26 minutes. The goal of the class was to be able to run for 30 minutes straight (they assume that in that 30 minutes you're covering about a 5K -- nice try), so I fell a little short in the end. To be honest, however, I never did go out there on the last week of the class and attempt the 30 minutes, so I very possibly could have done it, but at that stage the class schedule had gotten me to the basic place where I wanted to be and I was satisfied enough with that.

Around the last week of the class I participated in a local 5K at Mine Falls Park, which was a fun thing to do. I was very disappointed with my time and, even more than my time, I was disappointed in how poorly I paced and pushed myself during the race. But it was fun to be out there again and it was a perfect day for a race. I had forgotten how great I used to feel on a Saturday or Sunday morning right after participating in a race. There were a few years while living in NYC where this was pretty common weekend activity for me. I had had plans to do another 5K on Thanksgiving Day at the same location, but, between every muscle in my body being unbelievably sore from hunting the day before, and the race starting at the ungodly hour of 8 AM (previous race had started at the more civilized hour of 10 AM), I never made it to the start. I wish there were some other local races coming up that I could target, but the race calendar around here is pretty sparse this time of year. I find that if I have something that I'm working towards that it helps me focus a bit. I may not be going for some big personal record (PR), but not wanting to be embarrassed and not wanting to disappoint myself are usually good enough motivators to stick with a training plan to some degree. But, with nothing coming up, I'm going to have to find other motivators. Already I am finding the colder weather to be a big challenge, most of my runs over the past couple of weeks have been on the treadmill. There is nothing wrong with the treadmill, I guess, but I worry a bit about keeping the running going through the entire Winter if I'm only using that.

I am now trying to come up with some kind of training plan. I would like to run a 10K in the late Spring or thereabouts and I would like to get my weekly mileage up to about 25 miles per week, but I'm not thinking much beyond these two goals. I think I am going to push back the idea of running straight (no walk-breaks) and do some planned run / walk intervals for a while. There are a number of reasons for this decision:

1. I want to keep running as enjoyable as possible. I recognize that I am at a bit of a vulnerable point in my new running program. This is the stage when I very often give up. The excitement of the new program starts to wane, I start to get pissed off over my lack of progress and I get discouraged over how impossible it seems.
2. I want to build some more mileage and I just can't do it the way that I've been running.
3. Run/walk intervals will allow me to include more variety into my weekly schedule.
4. I need to build endurance, while also getting in a good workout for each session. Run/walk will allow for longer training sessions.

I am really trying to come up with ideas that are most likely to make me successful in getting through the Winter. I am not being too ambitious about what I expect to accomplish through March because I want to be realistic. I feel that if I can finish the Winter still running, with a consistent weekly mileage base, even if it's only 20 miles per week, and a long-ish run of around 5 miles. I will feel that I was successful. If I can maintain that through March, then I feel that I'll be in a pretty good position to start increasing mileage a bit and also increase the long run some. That's what I'm thinking anyway.

A-Hunting We Will Go!

I was invited to go fox hunting on the day before Thanksgiving, something that I have wanted to do since I was probably, oh, about 12 or 13. Anyway, I've been meaning to write up a detailed report of the experience and haven't had time. Instead, I am cutting & pasting highlights that I wrote in an email that I sent to a couple of friends a couple of days afterwards.

(Disclaimer: This was a drag hunt, which means that a scent was dragged ahead of time for the hounds to follow. There were no live foxes involved).


This is what hunting was like:

• Pre-hunt announcements, instructions, etc. (meet our field master and so-on).
• Release the hounds -- watch them fly across the field (it was an awesome sight). Ruby, ears pricked & watching, you could almost see the wheels turning and her thinking, 'Well, I know what THIS is!' (At certain times in open country when you could see the hounds and the field of horses all spread out chasing, it was breath-taking and amazing to know you are a part of it).
• Next moment, you're just flat out galloping HARD. Like, tears-flowing-out-of-your-eyes-so-much-you-can-hardly-see, hard. Horse is galloping and passing everyone in the field. You have strong "conversation" with horse to gain control and not pass field master. Pass everyone in field but field master (thankfully).
• Gallop hard from field to field to woods to field again.
• Encounter jumps along the way and jump everything. Thought once in a while floats across brain, 'Wow, that looks a bit ... LARGE ... oh what the heck.' And jump it anyway. Try to get the coordination of giving the horse in front enough room to jump while not disrupting the flow of pace. Figure that out and move on.
• Fly though the woods and think, 'Wow if I was trail riding on my own, I'm not sure if I would even trot through this footing, no less gallop ... ' Gallop anyway.
• Gallop through field with a little ditch with water flowing. Other horses splash through, your horse jumps it (yes, those ditch issues are long gone).
• Realize about 20-30 minutes in that your quads are completely shredded and jell-o-like, like you had been skiing big moguls all day.
• Realize that without recent running program you would NOT have been able to do this. Be thankful for running program.
• Finally some trotting and a couple of check-points (where you stop and the fields re-group). Realize that your legs are now jelly.
• Reach area for stirrup cup, volunteers hand out lemonade. Some seasoned hunt members pull out flasks.
• Hack back to starting point and the riding part of the hunt is over.
• Go in for the hunt "tea" (which is really a big, potluck brunch). Eat good food and down two big glasses of wine.
• Wake up the next day incredibly sore from head-to-toe.

That was my hunt experience in a nutshell! And I can't wait to do it again (am considering becoming a member for next year).

Did I mention how wonderful my horse is?

Course Brook Farm HT 10.9.2010

It’s awesome to ride a bold horse who loves her job. A horse who, while galloping along on cross-country, is eagerly looking for the next thing. When you have that in an eventing horse, everything else seems to fade down the scale in importance. When you have that in an eventing horse, your enjoyment of the sport can be limitless.

My competition planning for this year was pretty random at best. After a relatively poor start to the season with my fall at Pine Top in March, my meltdown and resulting scratch from King Oak in May, other falls and mishaps around the May & June timeframe, I started out lacking a lot of confidence and with not a lot of desire to commit to anything much. We had a pretty successful showing at the Groton House Summer Classic in June, but I came away from that effort considerably disappointed in myself as I felt that I rode pretty horribly overall. Well, our dressage was nice, but I was terrible in the jumping phases, my brilliant horse basically saved my behind again & again on that day (it’s pretty telling that I’m having a bad day if my best ride ends up being the dressage phase!)

Alison (my trainer) had been nudging me all Summer about signing up for some events. I finally caved and signed up for Valinor at the very end of August, which turned out pretty well. I knew that I should sign up for at least something else, but I didn’t want to do UNH Fall because that is a two-day event (I did it last year) and stringing two of those marathon days together is just BRUTAL. I wasn’t too thrilled about King Oak either after my meltdown there in the Spring (although, at some point I’m going to have to face that boogeyman and do an event there again so that I can put any phobias to rest). The Course Brook Farm HT was an attractive option for a number of reasons: it was a one-day event. It was relatively close by. And other adults were going, plus there ended up being only three of us in the trailer, which made for a more relaxed experience overall.

Of course, as the date for the event approached, I began to dread it (as I always do). Added to the general stress of nerves and worry and dread for the long day, was the fact that the weather has cooled off considerably which has made Ruby naturally pretty fresh. The shorter days and some significant rain has also interfered with my being able to ride consistently (and also contributed to creating the fresh horse). I had a pretty bad ride the Sunday before the show where Ruby really was feeling her oats and wanted to leap, buck & bolt around the ring. I was ready to scratch from the show right then and there. I managed to ride a number of times during the week, although we missed Wednesday due to a torrential downpour. On Thursday in a lesson Ruby started in again with the fresh behavior and Alison had me spend most of the entire lesson cantering and galloping her around without a break – the only breaks came when we were required to ride a jump course. I was pretty freaking sore after that ride. All the way up until Friday afternoon I toyed with the idea of just scratching. But I finally decided to go. I figured even if there was some fresh behavior, I am almost always able to ride through it. And if something REALLY freaked me out, I could always just scratch at that point.


For a change, I had a really early ride time (usually we get there at the crack of dawn and I don’t ride until noon or later). So, because of this, we had to leave even earlier than normal (at 4:30 AM) in order to fit in a cross-country course walk with Alison before all the action started. We were basically the first horse trailer there and were out and on the course as the sun was coming up. In fact, I used my headlamp for most of the walk, it was still pretty dark, especially in the woodsy parts. Once we got back to the trailer I pretty much had to start getting ready for my dressage ride. This was a very welcome change for me. Usually my ride times are so late that I just find myself getting increasingly nervous as the day wears on. The time crunch made things a little bit stressful, but I appreciated being able to get going and get on with the show!

The dressage warm-up areas were pretty dicey at best. Held in paddocks with deep, soft footing, it was hard to really do much of anything. Added to that was the fact that Ruby was spooking, and doing some leaping about, well, let’s just say we really didn’t get much accomplished during our warm-up. When it was close to my ride time we were able to move up to a small grassy area beside the dressage ring, but this was not much better. We did a couple of very short canter transitions there, but that was all we were able to do for canter warm-up. Really insufficient for what we need. Even still, I was happy when it was my turn to head into the ring, I usually just reach a point where I need to do my ride and be done with it, and on Saturday, Ruby was very, very “up”. I didn’t think anything was going to get much better, to be honest. The test was BN Test B, which I actually think I prefer, it rides much nicer than it reads. I don’t like that canter before X business, but other than that, I like all the diagonal lines. It’s especially nice for someone who may have some trouble keeping their horse straight down the long sides of a dressage ring (ahem). So, the highlights of our test on Saturday: I felt that we were nicely forward. I felt that some of the trot parts were nice. I would have some nice bend, some nice round trot, but then there would be some head tossing and some resistance. She was spooky and very, very hyper-alert to her surroundings, so honestly, I was happy to just keep all four feet on the ground. The canter transitions were not very good, but, once going, we did get some nice roundness and bending, before resistance and head tossing started again. So really, as with most of my tests, there were some good moments and some bad moments. I don’t feel like I was fighting her the way I had been at Valinor. I think I rode the horse that I had that day and did my best. But I am still chasing that nice, rhythmic, flowy, harmonious test that we had at the Summer Classic. I wish that we could be more consistent in producing that. Anyway, as always, I was happy to be done with dressage and I was happy enough with our test, even if our score was terrible.

It was such a gorgeous Fall day that it was a pleasure to hang-out hand-grazing our horses in the sun and chatting between each phase. The timeline was rather tight, so I luckily did not have a ton of time to sit around and get super nervous like I usually do. About an hour and a half after my dressage test it was time to get ready for stadium. I think I get the most nervous for stadium and I really don’t know why, I don’t think we’ve ever really had much trouble with this phase. What I dislike the most, however, are the warm-ups. I HATE the warm-up. This warm-up didn’t prove to be too bad on this day, we did our cantering around and jumped a few fences in a nice, forward rhythm. The only real mishap were the two horses right in front of me who basically collided (uh, hello?! Don’t people know about the “pass left shoulder, to left shoulder” rule???) that sent Ruby into a bit of a freakout spin, but by then our basic warm-up was done at least. Very soon it was time to head into the stadium field.

I kept in mind what Alison had been drilling into my head recently about forward, forward, forward! So I very determinedly established that good forward pace on our way to the start flags. First fence rode well and then it was a slight bending line to #2 that I really planned very poorly -- we jumped it practically into the right jump standard! A couple of inches more to the right and we would have brought that jump down. Of course Ruby, being the brilliant & big-hearted jumper that she is, jumped it happily regardless of the crappy line I rode her to. After that it was a left turn back in the other direction to a 4-5 stride vertical to an oxer. I’m trying to remember but, I think the first jump in the line was fine, but I think we chipped in and had an awkward, sticky jump out. I must have dropped the ball a bit and not have had enough leg on through there. Oh well. #5 was another vertical along the edge of the field. Fine. And then it was a left turn up a hill to a two-stride combination. This I rode assertively and we got the two, it felt just right, so I was happy with that. #7 was a roll-top at the top of the field and then it was a turn down the hill to an oxer. That rode well, but after we jumped that, I realized that we were kind of charging down the hill, uh, can you say “whoa”? BIG WHOA. I actually almost took out one of the start flags that sort of appeared in our path very quickly. SHEESH! So, we whoa’ed, whoa’ed, whoa’ed and then it was a turn back up the hill to the last fence which we flew over and then it was gallop through the finish flags. To be honest, I had to ask Alison later if I had knocked anything down, I really wasn’t sure! I didn’t think we had, but the course was such a blur, that I really didn’t know for sure. I WAS sure, however, that we hadn’t incurred any time faults. That was a no-brainer.

Happily, my cross-country time wasn’t too long after stadium, so I did not have to do a whole lot of warm-up again. The time had been tight enough that I found that I almost had to sprint my second walk of the course, that was interesting (good thing I’ve been doing all that running!) So, we did a little canter in the warm-up, a fence or two and we were then able to pretty much head directly to the start box. I loved that, no real waiting around. Count-down, start the watch and we were off, no muss, no fuss.

Across a field and over the first fence, a simple log, and then it was through a fence line and down a galloping lane with a bunch of brush on one side, and woods on the other side. Ruby found this section pretty spooky so we kind of zig-zagged down the lane as she galloped and spooked, galloped and spooked. Then it was a 45* turn to the right across a little bridge and into the woods, jump #2 was a double log-vertical and then it was down the path, through the woods and out into a big field. A turn across the field and it was a combination log, maybe five strides and this fake ditch thing, a sharp turn and another bunch of strides (5?) and then another jump (I think another log). At this point I was fiddling with my stirrup. Somehow my foot was too far through the stirrup and I was trying to jiggle it back into the right spot, but then I lost it completely ARGH! I tried to get it back while galloping along. When I couldn’t, I had to bring it back down to a trot and then even to a walk. I am not in the right place now where I felt that I could have ridden the rest of the course with one stirrup!

Once I had the stirrup back, we were back to a gallop and it was over a log vertical thing (which I rode to a sticky spot, I will admit) and then it was back into the woods. Up the hill and a turn and then over this red house jump, which jumped nicely. From there was a very narrow & twisty path through the woods. I don’t think I had appreciated how twisty it was while walking the course, suddenly, at speed, I was thinking, ‘crap! These trees are REALLY close!’ It would have been easy to get hung up on one! Ruby at this point was really flowing along, happily galloping away and looking for the next jump. At the top of the path, it was a sharp turn to the right and up through this mogul-y little combination – up a sharp, short hill, a log on top, down the other side, and then up another sharp, short hill with a log on top, down the other side and then a short distance to a big stone wall with a log on top that we jumped out of the tree line and into a field. At this point Ruby was rolling! We had to do a 45* turn across the field to a down bank. Ruby was flowing at such a nice pace, but I brought her back to a trot for the bank. She can sometimes launch very enthusiastically off of down banks and I wasn’t too sure if I’m competent enough to handle that right now – it sure would have been a shame to fall off for such a stupid thing. So I was conservative and trotted. Kicked on to the next jump, a bright white coop thing with corn husks stuck into the top of it. As we rode for it, I could feel Ruby peeking at it, but a good, solid leg on and she jumped it nicely. A gallop all the way across the field, a turn, and over a bench that we got another sticky spot to. I probably did not push enough for pace after our turn. Another turn down the field and it was a gallop to the last jump, a big feeder, a fence that jumped beautifully, and then through the finish flags.

So, the thing with the watch, this was only my second time wearing it for an event and so I’m not really used to it yet. At the last event (Valinor) I remembered to look at the watch a couple of jumps before the end and so knew that I was on track, but I forgot to look at it as I crossed the finish line. This time I remembered to look at the watch as I crossed the finish, but had forgotten to check the watch at any other time on the course where I could have made an adjustment, had our time not have been on track. Luckily, we were about 20 seconds under optimum time, so we were in a very good spot. If I had not had that slow down on the middle of the course for my stirrup, I guess we probably would have been about 30 seconds under, which is a pretty good place to be with time. I was very happy about that. Best of all, I did not have any trouble with the breathlessness I had been experiencing on XC last year. I think the running that I’ve been doing has helped quite a bit with that. I think also that BN level is becoming a little, “been there, done that” for me (at least as far as XC is concerned) so my adrenalin is probably not quite as pumped on course as it was when I first started competing. Last year it was a bit humiliating to be incurring time faults at BN level, I’m glad that I seem not to be having trouble with that this year.

So, crappy dressage score + double clear stadium + double clear cross-country was good enough to earn us 6th place. I was happy with that and actually realized, once I had a chance to think about it later, that this was the best we’ve done (placing-wise) in a sanctioned HT to date, so I suppose that could be considered progress.

This is incredibly inspiring.

Self-Doubt & Loathing

I had a bit of a meltdown in my jumping lesson last week. I'm still not even quite sure what happened. I do know that I was nervous all day for the impending lesson, but that's not anything new. I just started riding and I felt like I couldn't ride to save my life. I was full of self-doubt, convinced that I just Cant. Do. This. I'm not really sure where that was coming from.

When we started jumping I just felt so unfocused, not sharp and questioned every tiny decision I was making. I also was sort of hyperventilating a little bit and was light-headed. I was riding a jump course, generally about the height that I have been competing at, with one or two jumps maybe a smidge higher (but not by much). I had jumped half the course, had just finished a line down the long side, when I pulled up and said that I just couldn't do it anymore that day. I really kind of lost it and a week later, I'm still not really sure why. Nothing bad had happened, Ruby was acting fine. I just suddenly had a real loss of confidence for some reason. I don't know, I'm a bit of a freak, I guess.

This sort of illustrates a general on-going refrain in my life overall. Self-doubt, self-loathing, insecurity, lack of confidence that I can accomplish ___ (fill in the blank with whatever I'm worried about at any given point). With my new running program, it's more of the same thing. I am filled with thoughts of 'who do you think you are ... '. As I struggle to complete whatever running intervals that are on the schedule for any give day, I am completely self-conscious and mortified to see other people while I'm out trying to struggle through. It can totally get into my head and kill any ability to continue running. With work? Well, I don't even want to talk about work.

I have to figure out how to create more self-confidence in my life. This really affects everything from, being successful in my job, to feeling like I am able to have the lifestyle that I want to have. I am such a head case, it's just so strange how cyclical this can be. I can be going along, everything is fine and crash! I'm just a mess of doubt and self-loathing. Of course allowing the self-doubt to cause a meltdown such as with the jumping last week breeds even more self-loathing and utter disappointment in myself. It's just a vicious, ugly circle.

Running Program: Week 1

Monday:
Scheduled: 1 minute running, alternated with 2 minutes walking, x10 -- 30 minutes total.
Actual: 1 minute running, alternated with 2 minutes walking, x10 -- probably a little more than 30 minutes, maybe 40. *

Notes:
This ended up being harder than I expected it to be, especially after the class on Saturday where, instead of alternating 1 min. running to 2 mins of walking, we alternated laps of the indoor track, so our running intervals ended up being longer than one minute each. By the end of each minute of running on Monday, I was really looking at my watch for the count-down of the last few seconds. I'm not sure if maybe I was running a little faster than we had for the class, if it was the effects of running out on the road, or maybe the humidity (because, even though it was fairly cool, it was also humid), but it was definitely harder on me than I had expected. I was glad to have the plan though that forced me to do this ten times, it definitely pushed me a bit. In order to complete it, I had to overlap the neighborhood loop, but I got it done.

Tuesday:
Scheduled: 30 minutes easy walk.
Actual: 1 hour trail walk with some longer (longer than 1 minute) running intervals.

Notes:
The pressure was off for running since the schedule only called for an "easy" walk. Not sure what they mean by that, but it didn't sound too interesting, nor did it sound like there was much benefit to it, so I figured the least I could do was some good trail walking with some steep bits. I wasn't sure if I was actually going to also do some running until I was out there, but once I was on the trails I did feel somewhat inspired to run. What I did was first run the entire Beaver Path. I had not run this in its entirety in about two years or so, so it was definitely a challenge to me. But managed to do it. Barely. Total running interval was 2 minutes, 30 seconds. Not really all that long, but it was hard for me, I really had to push myself to keep running. Now, there is a fair amount of uphill to this path, particularly in this direction, but still, having this much trouble with 2.5 minutes of running does not bode well for my success with this program. After the Beaver Path, it was some road walking to get to the North East Trail Loop. Some steep and technical walking to the top of that trail and then a lovely, lovely long running interval down the other side. I think this is my favorite place to run on all the trails at work. There is such a nice, long downhill, and then you hit a relatively level part of the trail for a good piece, but because you've got the momentum and rhythmn of the sweeping downhill established that it carries over for a good while on the level parts. This long patch of trail can actually bring me back and remind me of what it feels like to be able to run. I don't like to do it too often because I feel like it will lull me into some kind of complacency, but it sure does feel great when I allow myself this indulgence. I wish I had timed this section, but I didn't think of it in time and so I don't know how long this running interval was. It was longer than the 2.5 minutes though. From there I got on the Rock Ledge trail, technical, rocky & rooty for most of it with lots of steep parts, so I walked it all. And then the fire road where I threw in three more shorter running intervals (1-1.5 minutes each).

Wednesday:
Scheduled: 1 minute running, alternated with 2 minutes walking, x10 -- 30 minutes total.
Actual: 1 minute running, alternated with 2 minutes walking, x10 -- probably around 40 minutes. *

Notes:
It was a perfect day for running, cool & crisp with no humidity at all. I found the running intervals easier to do than they were on Monday, hmmmm, interesting. The time also seemed to go much more quickly overall. I chose a running route around the paved roads on the company campus, with one section on a fire road. It was almost completely flat. I did not want to venture onto the trails as I didn't want terrain or hills or anything else to interfere with the intervals. It worked out very well and actually ended up being enjoyable. Imagine that?

Thursday:
Scheduled: 30 minutes easy walk.
Actual: 40 minutes of trail running & walking (appx. 2.5 miles).

Notes:
Work was a little crazy, so I didn't have as much time as I wanted. I decided to do the "Duck Pond" trail loop, I haven't been out there for about two years. It was quite pleasant and I even ran up a bunch of the hills. I also saw a big snake along the way and wished that I had a camera with me. It was a gorgeous day, and a particularly nice one for running. Cool & crisp & clear.

Friday:
Scheduled: 1 minute running, alternated with 2 minutes walking, x10 -- 30 minutes total.
Actual: 1 minute running, alternated with 2 minutes walking, x10 -- 40 minutes? *

Notes:
I had a real struggle with myself to get out for this one. I had had a crazy, insane Thursday and so spent most of the day pretty exhausted. Plus it was a dreary, rainy, cold-ish, gray day, the kind of day where it's very nice to cuddle with a few dogs on the couch. I work from home most Fridays, so I went out on my lunch hour back to my neighborhood loop and I brought Tig with me. The intervals seemed to go pretty uneventfully, but again I felt that that the running parts were harder than I would have liked. Tig was great, I can run with him holding the leash with one finger and he'll just stick with me, no problem. Of course, he probably wishes we would run more, and faster.

Summary:
I'm pretty happy that I managed to do everything that was on the schedule for this program. It was particularly tough this week because I was on-call for work, so that did throw a few complications my way. I felt that the run intervals for week 1 were completely doable and I felt good enough that I even did some trail running on the days I was supposed to just do an "easy walk". I actually managed to cover a total of 17 miles this week!

I'm concerned, however. Tomorrow we bump up to intervals of 4 minutes running / 1 minute walking. To me, this seems like a huge leap from 1 minute walking / 2 minutes running. After doing my running sessions this week, I am having a hard time believing that I will be able to run for intervals that long. I don't even want to think about the 15 minute intervals that are on the schedule for a couple weeks from now (I guess I'll worry about that when I get to that week). So, we'll see. I'm sure we will doing the longer intervals in class tomorrow morning, so I'll see how doable it really is.

Most of all, I'm proud that I didn't blow anything off. This is why I need this program right now, it gives me that extra push to get out the door. I'm happy that I could do the assigned running intervals and didn't need longer recovery times. At least I know I can continue doing that, if the next step proves to be impossible for me.

(*Note: The time added to the 30 minute interval days was added walking time before and after each workout).

Structuring a Running Program

So, I've been thinking that I have to take this running thing (and cross-training, in general) more seriously. Running is my main focus in this for a lot of reasons: it's an activity that can be done without too much logistical worry, if I can't make it to a gym, I can go out the door at work on a lunch hour, I can use the treadmill at home, or whatever. I feel that it can have a high return of benefit for not a huge investment of time. In other words, you can get a lot out of running for a half an hour. It makes your legs strong and is one of the best things for cardiovascular/aerobic conditioning. And mostly, I really like how I feel when I'm running consistently.

One of my big problems is motivation. I've always struggled with this and getting geared up into a running program for me is particularly tough because it takes me a long time before I am able to run an interval of more than a minute or so at a time. Getting to a point where I can run, say, five miles will take months. Maybe a year. At least historically that's been my experience and that was when I was starting out in reasonable shape. So, the fall-out factor for me is high, it's easy to get discouraged and give up. It also takes me a long time before I'm mostly enjoying the running, I may have a moment of bliss here & there, but runner's high? Nope. That's months & months or work and pain down the road. The only runner's high I'll be feeling is the rush of euphoria once the run is over, although sometimes that is enough of a payoff to keep me going.

So, overall, I like the idea of running, I like the potential benefits, I like the way it makes me feel (both physically & mentally), it is the activity that is probably the easiest to insert into my busy schedule. But I recognize that it is going to take more commitment, planning and mental toughness than I've been expending thus far. So, when I saw that the Y was offering an intro running class ("Run a 5K in 8 Weeks"), I thought that maybe this would help put some structure around my desire.

Today was the first class and I feel like it went pretty well. It's a bit tough to commit to be be at the Y every Saturday morning by 8 AM, but once I was out and about, I actually preferred the early hour. Most of all I liked the company and the camaraderie of the other women in the class (interesting that there were no men). There were about 10-11 of us in varying states of fitness. I would say that I am at the lower end of the scale, although, at each run interval, I was always one of the runners at the front (competitiveness maybe?) For today it was fine, but as we progress through the weeks, I'm sure the disparity in fitness levels will sort the group out more. The goal for today was to run one interval (one lap) around the indoor track alternated with an interval of two walking laps, x 10. When it was finished, we had covered a total of three miles. This was easy, so that was a relief, but I know that it is going to get progressively harder each week and if I'm not doing the necessary work during the week, I'll fall behind very quickly. I am hoping that this will help motivate me to keep going during the week on my own. I want to feel confident going into each class that I'll be able to keep up!

Anyway, so I'm encouraged so far. I hope I can keep my enthusiasm going. I'm also hoping to have a decent enough running program established that I can carry it through the Winter a little more easily. January is a tough month to be kicking off a brand new running program, after all. I am also hoping at some point that it will help me start to lose some weight and that it will also benefit my riding.

Am I ready to move up?

(the answer is "no", by the way)

Alison (my trainer) recently sent out the new lesson schedule for Fall and I noticed that she had moved some people around so that now my Wednesday night lesson is comprised of three girls who are competing at a level above me and, well, me. Gulp. I would say that this caused me some concern. Yep, that would be pretty accurate.

So, this week was my first jumping lesson with the new group and I can say that I spent a lot of the day leading up to the lesson somewhat anxious and tense. It worked out pretty well, though, after all that worry. After our warm-ups she had a course set more or less max for BN level (my level) with a couple of jumps at N level (next level up), so I didn't end up doing a whole course at the higher level, but did the few bigger jumps sprinkled in as part of my jump courses. I'm a little proud of myself because I didn't allow myself to get too freaked out and the bigger fences actually ended up jumping rather nicely, I didn't seem to have any problem at all. Perhaps this is part of Alison's Evil Plan, sneak these bigger jumps in on me one at a time until one day I look around and realize that I'm doing whole courses of them. We'll see how this goes, I definitely feel like I'm going to be somewhat out of my comfort zone on the weeks I have a Wednesday jumping lesson, but perhaps that is a good thing. Am I ready to move up? No. But I feel like I am taking the right steps to maybe do so next season. If I had been more aggressive about my show schedule this Summer maybe I could have tried this Fall, but I'm in no hurry after all.

Valinor Farm HT: 8.29.2010

I have not signed up for a lot of competitions this season. There are a number of factors affecting this: first, I lost a bit of confidence with some of my riding mishaps earlier in the year. Even though the Groton House Summer Classic ended up working out pretty well, I still came away from that event feeling like I had ridden very poorly, most of that was related to soreness and minor injury resulting from a fall a few days before, but the bottom-line was, I sucked and almost felt like I didn’t belong there. My schedule has been a real challenge this year. Now that I am part of our operations on-call rotation, I don’t feel like I can sign up for a competition that follows an on-call week, since I can’t guarantee that I’ll have the prep time available to me during the week. Also, it’s expensive! My budget has been pretty tight, and I’m finding it hard to justify the cost. Still, I’m an eventer (I like saying that) and eventers compete in events, so I could not let the season go without competing in at least ONE sanctioned event. So, I signed up for the Valinor Farm Horse Trials.

It’s funny, but, despite my issues with lack of confidence, overall I feel that my riding this Summer has been going pretty well. Ruby and I have established a strong partnership, I feel that our flatwork has really turned a corner, I’m much braver jumping and definitely am better (but nowhere near perfect) at the balance + forward thing. We have been hacking out a lot more this year, both in company and on our own. Our bond is stronger, Ruby can no longer truly be called “green”, I’m a little more solid in my skills, in general I really SHOULD be in a good position to move forward and be a relatively strong competitor. However, when it comes to participating in an actual competition, I kind of fall apart. I guess it’s all nerves and it could be argued that if I went to more horse trials, the nerves wouldn’t be nearly so bad. Yeah, I know, I know. But between the nerves and knowing what an exhausting, marathon weekend each competition will be, I just DREAD it when I know something is coming up. On the flip-side of that is the fact that I always (with maybe the very rare exception) walk away from a competition on a total, glowing high, completely thrilled with my horse and so very, very happy that I did it. Conflicted much?

As has become the routine for going to a HT, I got up around 3:30 AM. What I did differently this time was take an Ambien before going to bed, so I actually had managed to have some amount of sleep. The pill had worn off before 3:30 and I woke up before my alarm, so it really seemed to work out well. With a show, it is expected that it is going to be an incredibly long day, what was different for me this time was that I had actually had some sleep, so I did not feel quite as horrible as I have for some of the others that I’ve been to. Another thing that is typical for me with these competitions is I always seem to have late ride times which leaves me with a lot of time to sit around and contemplate my rides, and thus become increasingly nervous.

My ride time for dressage was 11:20 AM and the day had heated up quite a lot by the time I was on the horse. There is nothing quite like riding a steaming horse, on a steaming hot day, in a high collar, stock tie and black wool dressage coat. After about twenty minutes or so of warm-up, I thought that I was going to expire on the spot. Anyway, otherwise warm-up was relatively uneventful. I felt that Ruby was nicely focused on the work, not too distracted by the goings on. I did have a bit of a struggle getting a good forward pace out of her though. Who could blame her with it being in the mid-90s and all? The warm-up areas were not at all crowded and were actually very pleasant, which one doesn’t always find at these events. Overall, I have to say that my dressage warm-up was not a bad experience at all.

My dressage test, however? Well, that is another story. Let me just say that I was incredibly tense from the get-go. My tension translated down to Ruby and we really ended up fighting each other for most of the test. I look back on our Groton House test with such fondness, because in that one there was such nice rhythmic harmony. This test just did not flow, Ruby and I kind of muscled each other around the ring and basically just got through it. Some of the comments include, “fussy in the bridle”, “needs longer steps”, “swinging head”, “fussy, tossing head”, “could be more accepting”. I am a tiny bit proud about the comment for our left lead canter however, “fairly round” is a big compliment (and represents a HUGE improvement) for us. Even the right lead canter didn’t have any real terrible comment, “above the bit” is actually not too bad considering where we came from. But overall, the test was not very good. I still feel that it’s an improvement over last year, but not truly representative of the work we are currently doing. Still, a dressage test is only, and can only be, a snapshot of a moment of time and in this moment, Ruby and I were not working together, but against each other and it really is all my fault. Her warm-up was nice, but then I lost it in the test by being a tense wreck.

My time for stadium jumping was not until 1:46 pm, so this gave me plenty of time to walk the cross-country course a couple of times. Nothing on the course alarmed me. Actually, I can’t remember the last time I saw anything on a BN course that made me goggle, but one thing I did note was that there was A LOT of terrain involved with this course. It looked to be a constant roller coaster of up and down hills and I wondered how that would affect my ride. The stadium course also had a terrain element. It was in a field and there was one hill in particular that you had ride up and down a number of times during the course that I knew was going to be a factor in my ride.

It was such a hot day. I really dreaded putting that (black wool) dressage coat and stock tie back on. DREADED IT. I watched others warming up for stadium and noted that there seemed to be half-and-half people in show coats vs those in white collared tech shirts. I stood there for about ten minutes waffling but then decided that I was going to go the tech shirt route. I mean, it was about 95 with the sun just beating down. I could not face that coat again.

Decision made, I got Ruby and myself ready and over to the warm-up. Again I was pleased with the warm-up situation. Stadium was crazier than the dressage warm-up had been, but there was adequate room for the most part. I was not as overwhelmed as I can get in these situations. Our warm-up canter and jumps went pretty well and very soon I was waiting for my turn at the In Gate. I generally get pretty nervous for stadium, but I felt relatively okay, considering, and all too soon I was on course. Alison has been trying to beat into my head the forward + balance concept. Most times I seem to be able to carry it off, but I’m not completely consistent yet. We started off nicely over fence #1 and then it was a turn down the significant down hill on the course. You had to do some good balancing at the bottom as you turned the corner and then head up a hill to #2. Watching other stadium rounds, I had noticed that this had been a problem fence for a lot of people, lots of rails were brought down. You had to get your horse back enough after that down hill, you needed to do some good balancing work in the corner and then needed some good forward to power up the hill to that fence. And being #2 on the course, it was easy to not yet have that good, rollicking momentum and rhythm going that was needed to ride that jump correctly. I had this in mind as I rode and I can say that it rode very well for us. Most of the course went that way. I can say that some of the bending lines I took were maybe a bit questionable, there were maybe two jumps that were a little stickier that I would have liked (I did not have the right amount of forward to those), but overall I would say that our course was pretty steady, consistent and good. I think we rode the terrain well and for the most part had the exact right pace. We got the desired two strides at the in-and-out at the end and were through the finish flags and were double clear! As always after a course like this, I felt this rush of pride for Ruby. She is such a star!

Unfortunately, coming out of the stadium ring, it was quickly apparent that Ruby was suddenly lame. I jumped off and we saw that she had somewhere and somehow thrown a front shoe. Luckily there was a farrier on the grounds and he was able to fix her up and, after walking it off and resting a bit, she was completely fine and sound again. But that was a pretty scary moment.

Unlike many of the other events that I have done, this was arranged with three distinct ride times, so there was no going directly to cross-country after my stadium round. In this case it obviously worked to my advantage as otherwise I would have had to scratch with Ruby’s shoe issue. Luckily for us, our XC was not scheduled until 4:46 PM which gave a good amount of time for Ruby to recover. Normally I would hate all that waiting around (and it had it’s element of stress), but this time that wait was pretty welcome as it gave Ruby the recovery time needed from the bobble.

One thing I dislike about not being able to go straight to XC from stadium is the necessity to go through another warm-up situation. But the XC warm-up at Valinor was pretty laid-back and relatively stress-free, well, except for horses galloping up the hill to the XC finish behind the warm-up ring which sent Ruby into a bit of a spin. But by then I think she was just getting a bit hyped up for her turn. Very soon it was our turn to head to the start box.

After the start it was a short gallop across a field to (what I considered) a pretty max size (for the level) stone wall with a tree trunk/log on top. We got a really nice pace established and it rode beautifully. From there, it was a turn back the other way and then up a very steep hill to a black log at the top. Then a blue bench and then it was a turn into the woods. Then it was a nice gallop through the woods until the path took a turn down a hill. The last downhill bit I trotted as I felt it was a bit steep and the footing had been chewed up a bit at this point. It was a turn around some trees, reestablishing a canter and head for the #4 jump, a moss-covered cordwood pile. Ruby was a little squirrelly here as it was sort of a spooky spot. But I firmly put my leg on, and she was over it without any real hesitation.

Cordwood:




After the cordwood, you followed the trail back up a hill. It was a good gallop up a hill and into a new field. Once you entered this field, it was a turn up an even steeper hill to a jump made of tires at the very top. I remember thinking that jump looked big when walking the course, but a lot of that was because you are mostly looking at it from the bottom of this very steep hill. Riding it, you really had to push the momentum up this hill. We rode it well enough, but it was definitely a sitting back on the hocks kind of jump. From here it was a rolling down hill, around a turn and back up a hill to a log that was set into the hill that jumped almost like an up bank (although, it was not technically a bank). Farther up the hill was a log pile and then it was a turn across the field and to the water complex. Alison had advised I trot this as the last time she had galloped Ruby through water, she had been so into it, she had launched herself into the complex. So, I managed to get her down and then it was a strong, bouncy trot through the long water feature. Picked up a gallop on the other side, it was down a hill, up another hill and then to a pyramid of rail ties at the top of that hill.

Tires:










Water:




Down a hill directly after the rail ties, across a field and back UP a hill (see what I mean about the terrain element?) to a hanging log combination at the top of the hill. Jump in, four comfortable strides and then jump out. A turn to the left, down a hill and to a tiny ditch. Now the thing with the ditch ... when we were walking the course, the jump itself was not worrisome, but the question was whether the horses would even SEE it, and especially at this point in the course where presumably you’re rolling along pretty strongly, particularly after flying down that hill. Yeah. So, Ruby and I are flying down the hill and I’m reeling her in and bring her back, getting her off her forehand and paying attention to me and what was coming. When walking the course I had thought that maybe we would come back to a trot there to pop over the ditch, but once we were on course our pace was so nice and she was so in the zone that I just didn’t want to do it. I needn’t have worried, however, as she listened to me nicely, saw the ditch and just flew over it.

Red House:




A gallop across the field, up another good hill and then over a red house jump at the top of it. Another jump that had looked relatively large when walking the course since it was sitting at the top of the hill. A turn across the rest of the field, and then exiting the field down another wooded path. Now, I have to admit, in other cross-country runs, this would be exactly the type of spot that I would use to trot a bit to catch my breath, to reel myself in, to get a handle on my adrenalin and the rushing “OMG OMG” emotions. It was tempting, but this time I kept the pace. Ruby was ON, we were so in sync, our pace just felt wonderful and we were both having such a blast. So we kept going, I suppressed my usual need to get a grip on myself. Through the woods, down another hill (kept the pace this time) and over a narrow coop out of the tree line. A turn to the left, down a wooded road, a little detour up into a wooded patch to a jump that looked kind of like wood sled with a pile of rocks. Back out of the woods, a turn across the road, yet another steep hill, sharp turn and over the last jump, whiskey barrels, and a gallop through the finish flags. Of course I forgot to stop my XC watch, but I had checked it at the second to last jump and we had had 1:05 left there, so I knew that we were good on time -- turns out we were something like 43 seconds under the optimum time, which is a serious accomplishment for me!

We both finished the course on a high. Ruby just strutted and pranced and wanted to know if there was more (probably disappointed that there wasn’t). I hadn’t done a cross-country course in a long time, so I was pretty much on cloud 9. I was very proud of Ruby (as always), but I was also proud of my willingness to keep the good pace going throughout the entire course and finishing with that good time cushion. It turns out that this paid off for me as I managed to break a tie for 8th place with my time, earning myself the ribbon.

Overall it was a fabulous day and I ended the experience on a real high and completely thrilled with my horse. I have been reliving that awesome XC run in my head ever since! Things that I learned:

* Find a way to relax for Dressage. Your horse is learning her job and is quite capable of a respectable test. Trust her.
* Don’t let stadium freak you out. Establish a good pace and know that this will bring the jumps to you.
* Think about the quality of the canter, balance in between the jumps and especially in the corners.
* Be more careful about the lines you plot (stadium).
* On cross-country, don’t be afraid to gallop, gallop, gallop!
* Remember that Ruby loves this and is more than game & willing for the job.
* Relax and enjoy yourself.

An Improvement in Flat Work

I have to say that I am very pleased with how Ruby's flat work has been coming along this Summer. If I remember correctly, last Summer it was a bit of a struggle to get her consistently round and reaching for the contact and working through her back. I remember a good amount of inverted flat work. I would get some nice roundness for a few strides and then lose it again. And so we we would go back & forth with this. Last year I would see those nice round moments and be encouraged that the potential was there, it didn't seem completely impossible that we might get some nice consistency on the flat some day. And so I feel that day has more or less come.

Today I decided to do some schooling, since we have a show next weekend. We had the ring all to ourselves which was nice for me, I didn't have to feel self-conscious about my riding (I know, I have issues). We did about twenty minutes of good, solid trot work where she tried quite hard with pretty nice results. Once we moved on to the canter I was again thrilled with how lovely her left lead canter has gotten. Supple and round and really working from behind, it is a complete pleasure to ride. Her right lead canter still needs work, so we still struggle there. But it has definitely improved, we now seem to be able to string together a number of good strides before we lose the roundness. This week Alison (my trainer) pointed out that it might help to ride her right lead lighter in the tack, even in 2-point, so I tried that today. It's a bit hard in dressage length stirrups, but I just concentrated not so much on a real 2-point as I did on trying to stay a bit off her back in this direction and I have to say that I definitely felt that it helped. I got some nice roundness for longer than I usually do. What I probably should have done is finished with a circle sitting in the tack after warming up this way to see if that also showed improvement, but I wanted to end on a good note. Instead, after about 30-40 minutes of the ring work I ended by cantering a few additional circles in the field (my stirrups jacked up to jumping length) to shake out a bit of that routine ring dullness. All-in-all I ended our work today very, very pleased with my girl.