Aiken Adult Eventing Camp: 2010

(Ruby, during our dressage test on 3.27.2010)




On March 20th I flew down to Aiken, SC where Ruby has been in training all Winter, to attend my trainer’s Adult Eventing Camp. It’s been a long few months without her and, while Ruby has been doing well and competing around the Aiken area, I had hardly been riding at all while she’s been gone. So, I was pretty nervous upon my arrival in Aiken. I knew that I was not in the best shape for this, and also, having not having ridden much while Ruby was gone, I felt that I might have lost some of the scant ability that I do have. I knew that it was possible that the week might be a bit grueling, not to mention embarrassing for me.

I arrived to beautiful, warm weather. And it was so nice to see Ruby again! I’ve really, really missed her. I could tell that she has been enjoying all the turnout and extra work that she’s been getting. Most of the horses down there have not seen much stall time, they have gotten to just be horses out in their big turnout areas. I would love to send Ruby down to SC every year for that reason alone (not sure if I want to be parted this long again though). No riding on this day though, we spent the time to get settled in and going out to dinner (Aiken Brewery, YAY!).

On Sunday Alison was hosting a schooling 2-Phase (dressage and stadium jumping) at her farm. She needed extra help so I volunteered to be both jump judge and jump crew which ended up being quite a workout as it had me running back & forth across the big jumping field (in the rain) for most of the day. It was interesting and educational and fun to watch all the riders though. I felt like I got a lot out of it and was glad to be able to have had the experience. A little later in the afternoon I finally took a ride on Ruby. I was pretty nervous, to be honest, but it was really like old times, a few spooks in a corner of the dressage ring and some high-spiritedness out in the field. She also hadn’t been ridden in a few days as recommended by the vet after a strenuous chiro appointment earlier in the week, so she was really raring to go. I rode her for a good hour to work the kinks out.

On Monday we started off the day with a barn lecture on horse first aid and then we had lessons on the longe in the round pen (which meant no reins & stirrups) and dressage lessons. After lunch we trailered over to the galloping track to do pace work. Knowing how strong and worked up Ruby had been in the field the day before, I wasn't quite sure what to expect from her at the track. The track can be a little bit overwhelming at first, especially after a season of riding around an indoor ring, but I felt pretty comfortable after the first time around. There was one stretch around the track where Ruby wanted to spook each time, but other than that, she was happy to just gallop away. The last time around Alison asked us to pace ourselves to 450 meters per minute. I had been holding Ruby back considerably on our other trips around the track, this time we started out easy, but once we rounded the turn I said to her, "you want to go? let's go then" and let her open up. It was pretty thrilling and I think we hit the marker maybe only a few seconds fast. Of course our trip around probably wasn't the even, consistent effort that Alison had had in mind, but it sure was fun!

On Tuesday morning we worked more on our dressage, this time actually performing the dressage tests for Alison in a kind of "Ride-Critique-Ride" type of thing. I did both BN Test A and Test B as I was to perform both at the 2-Phase competition the next day. Test A was for the competition and Test B to be practice for our competition at Pine Top on the weekend. After our dressage work we took a trail ride with Lindsay (a friend of Alison's) who is an endurance trail rider. After lunch it was finally time to jump, what I had been worried about. After warming up some we went to the top of the field and practiced a bit over the three jumps that had been set up as warm-up for the 2-Phase that had been held there on Sunday. After doing a few of those, I found that my heart was pounding with adrenalin like crazy! After we had warmed up there sufficiently, Alison brought us back down to the main part of the field and we first did the same jump course that she had had set up for the Sunday competition. It was great to actually jump it after watching and judging everyone else on Sunday. And I don't know what I had been worried about, because Ruby was wonderful. Willing and happy and adjustable and completely in her element.

On Wednesday morning we trailered over to Sporting Days Farm for their schooling 2-Phase. I remember this same competition last year, I was so incredibly nervous that my stomach was physically upset for most of the day! This time I didn't get too terribly nervous. I was a bit edgy, but not really too bad, I thought. Our dressage (both tests) were rather unfortunate, but we completely redeemed ourselves with a wonderful, wonderful jumping round (after a nice big spook while heading to the starting line). After all was said and done we got a 6th place ribbon. Too bad about the crummy dressage. In the afternoon we headed to Hitchcock Woods to first have a picnic lunch and then we had a nice long trail ride through the park.

On Thursday we returned to Sporting Days Farm for cross-country schooling. We were very lucky to have the entire place to ourselves so, after schooling many of the jumps throughout the farm in combinations of twos and threes, Alison put together an entire course for us, using the whole facility. For me this was the highlight of the week, Ruby was completely brilliant and I managed to work through breathlessness and adrenalin and plucked up some courage to boldly ride everything the way it was meant to be ridden. I think the most thrilling part was coming through the section where you jump the "shark" it's a stride or two and then through the water and then up the hill to the bank, up to the top of the field and around the big coop and table jumps at the top and back down the hill jumping some big rolltops along the way. I finished all of that completely thrilled and with a big grin on my face. Alison let us know later that a few of the jumps and combinations had actually been N level. It was nice to find out at the end so it was something I didn't worry or obsess about before riding. Anyway, I felt like it was one of the best cross-country courses that Ruby and I have done together, so I finished the day feeling great.

Because we all had such a great time and such positive experiences cross-country schooling on Thursday, we decided to do it again on Friday, this time at Full Gallop Farm. By now I was beginning to feel the strain of the week and did not feel quite as sharp as I had the day before. Still, Alison had us ride a good number of big combinations in numerous fields at Full Gallop which included some huge (to me!) jumps, banks, water and other stuff. Ruby was once again a total star and I actually came through pretty well in the end. It was great to get my fill of cross-country since I don't get to do it much otherwise. This is exactly what I wanted out of my week in Aiken!

On Saturday we travelled to Georgia to compete in the Pine Top Horse Trials. Because there were only three of us competing and we all had late ride times, we had a nice leisurely start to the day, arriving at the show around noon or so. Quite a change to the marathon show days I experienced over the Summer! I was surprisingly not all that nervous, even through our dressage warm-up and test. The test itself I felt was much better than the tests we had performed on Wednesday. I felt that Ruby was more consistently round and on the bit, forward and responsive to aids, even her canter to the right was not the total horror show it had been on Wednesday (although not fantastic). Still, our score was a poor one. Since that ride however, I've been able to look beyond the score and focus on the positive parts we had in the test. With Ruby and dressage I always come away feeling that there were some great parts and some terrible parts, so the great pieces give me hope for our future someday. I know that dressage will never be our strongest phase, but I do have faith that it will get better with time.

As is typical for me at these events, I was incredibly nervous for the stadium jumping phase. I'm not sure what about stadium freaks me out so much, but my nerves seem to reach the apex for this warm-up. Ruby either felt the same way, or fed off of my nerves because she decided to throw some freakazoid behavior at me in the warm-up field. She did a bit of her buck/jump/small bolt routine (which was thankfully only a shade of the craziness I experienced at Groton House last year), but it was enough to make me a good bit of a wreck. It was right around this time that a big freight train (complete with loud whistle) decided to pass through the edge of the property and our warm-up was pretty much done! Luckily I was able to go into the ring shortly after that. Once we got started, however, our stadium round was pretty good. We were double clear (no time faults), but I didn't feel that the round was quite as smooth or consistent as we are capable of. Still, we got through it and I was relieved! Once out of the ring, I dismounted right away as Ruby was being a snorty beast and I was a bit mentally fried. But for all my worry, we actually ended up with a pretty good day.

On Sunday we had another leisurely start to the day (again we all had late ride times) and arrived with ample time to walk the cross-country course. Because some severe thunderstorms were due to come through, they were trying to hustle everyone through and the ride times had all been moved up. So, once we had walked our cross-country course and bolted down lunch, we pretty much just started getting ready. Of course, the moment I got on the horse, the hard rain started! Although, I can't complain really, because we had been blessed with perfect weather all week long. It was rather odd weather, we would have these bursts of torrential rain and then the sun would come out. Then it would rain again, all in relatively short periods of time.

I don't know if it was the weather, or the set-up or what, but I found the warm-up a little wild. I was not feeling very brave there (as is usually the case in a jumping warm-up area for me) and just wanted to get to the start box and ride my ride. I did a little bit of warm-up and very soon the steward said that I could make my way up to the start. Once through the count-down and off, I felt much better, even though Ruby was quite squirrely. The first section required that you ride adjacent to and then away from the warm-up field and most of the horses really hated this. Ruby was no exception. She came down to the first fence at a good pace, but obviously thinking about the field of horses behind her, so I was very firm with my leg and balanced her and I felt like we ended up with a nice fence. Second fence, more or less the same, still a little distracted by the field of horses we were leaving, but less so, I concentrated on balancing her and being firm with my leg and we ended up with a nice and steady fence. Third jump was a jump up a decent bank into the next field, Ruby was getting down to business and starting to focus on the task at hand. But something happened, we took a bad spot, or maybe I didn't have her balanced enough, but Ruby stumbled up the bank, scrambled, but just could not get her feet under her in time. As we started to go down, I knew there was nothing I could do as we were going down together. One of my biggest first thoughts was, "crap. I'm going to be eliminated". Very soon after that it was, "crap. I'm under the horse!" Ruby kind of skidded and then pushed off from me. I lay there for a moment feeling hurt, but not really injured, rolled over on my side, propping myself up on one elbow and watched Ruby first cantering and then (once she realized she was free) galloping up the field. Apparently she had a lovely mad gallop past the warm-up field and down the dirt access road (picking up a friend along the way who managed to get loose and join her) before someone was able to shoo and corral her into a paddock.

Relatively quickly the jump judge, or someone (not sure who he was), drove up to me in the field to see if I was okay. I made the mistake of mentioning that the horse had fallen on me and they immediately announced for an ambulance. I think at this point Ruby was pretty much running past Alison sans rider and so she took off at a run for the field where I was sitting. Surprisingly though, when all was said and done, I was pretty much okay. It could have been a lot worse. I am more upset about Ruby and feel like I failed her somehow. I failed to keep her safe. I also feel disappointed and somewhat embarrassed, but mostly I'm upset for Ruby. She is so honest and bold and willing and basically just MADE for cross-country, I am seriously worried that I've now tarnished that good attitude of hers. Alison said later that she will be fine. That she IS fine. A good horse usually remains a good horse and that it would take a whole lot more than an accident such as this to change that good brain of hers. So, I've been reliving that jump in my head ever since. Thinking it through, trying to figure out what I did wrong. I honestly don't think we were too fast. I actually remember thinking that our pace was nice and steady and conservative over the first two jumps The third was not so far enough away from those to have been able to get up much of a head of steam. Maybe I didn't have her balanced enough. I think I remember that she perhaps did a little bit of a stutter step before the jump, like she almost changed her mind about her spot, but I'm not entirely sure. In any case, she tripped, and just didn't find her feet quickly enough. I'm sure I'll be thinking about this for quite a while to come.

So the week was fantastic and I felt that it was really a shame to end on such a negative note! Part of me wonders if I was just pushing my luck by adding this competition onto the end of the week. Perhaps I should have been happy with the week and left well enough alone. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20 and all that. Immediately after the fall I was thinking that no way will I do an event like this at the end of a camp week again. But now part of me would also like to redeem myself at Pine Top, so I don't know. In any case, I have a year to think about it.

House Selling (not)

Well, apparently my house is worth practically nothing, so I guess I'm not even going to bother trying to sell after all. I'm very, very disappointed and not a little depressed about it all right now.

Hypnosis: Check-in on Progress

It's been a little over a week now since I had my hypnosis session and I have to say that I think it's been going very well. I definitely feel calmer and I am amazed at how much more in control I feel of my eating.

There were a number of times during the week when I've let myself get pretty hungry and I started craving bad stuff as a result, yet I still managed to stick to the chicken & asparagus or the whole wheat pasta or the yogurt that I already had in my fridge. I went to the grocery store at 7 PM one night, before I had had dinner and yet I managed to come away with all healthy stuff. I did not buy even one sweet or prepared meal (other than Lean Cuisine) or pizza or whatever. I'm especially amazed that I was able to carry all of this through the weekend. The weekends are definitely my weakest times, but I did not stray off of my plan even once. I feel so much more on top of this than I have in a long time.

I was also better about exercising in general, but still not quite as good as I want to be. I definitely let poor sleep, work busy-ness and poor planning interfere with exercise, so this is something to be aware of and know that it is something that I need to push myself through.

Perhaps most amazing of all is how my levels of stress and anxiety have been affected. I can't say that I haven't felt any of the above, but before the hypnosis, what would have caused galloping, out-of-control anxiety and stress for me, triggered a reaction that has been more like butterflies. Just flutters, really.

So, I have to say that so far I'm a fan of hypnosis! I'm not sure if maybe it's the "placebo effect", but something seems to be working for me.

House Hunting

I had a realtor to my home on Saturday after which we went to see a few condos. The tour of my house went fine, he seemed to like my house well enough, liked what I've done with it and thought that it showed well. Of course the real information will come from the market analysis that he'll do, so I'll know more once he's done that number crunching. He did say that the market has picked up some and that he is seeing the most activity now from first-time buyers, which I think may be an advantage for me. Mine is the type of place that appeals to the first-time buyer, I think. It's a 3-bedroom, 2.5 bath house for an entry-level price, It's in a complex where lawn care and plowing/shoveling is provided and it's one of only two properties in the complex that has a fenced-in backyard (one of the big things that appealed to me, as a buyer). Larry (the realtor) also said that right now the rates are relatively low which is also helping to motivate buyers, the tax credits that are available now help too. So, it will all come down to, first, what asking price his analysis comes up with and then, whether there is someone out there who is willing to pay it. I'm not desperate, I don't have to sell, so I am in a pretty good position in that regard. Whether I even put it on the market will depend on that market analysis though, so I should have a decision about that in a few days or so.

After all that it was on to see the condos. I am really only interested in properties in this one complex. I figure that if I'm going to go to all the trouble and expense to move, I want to be in a very specific location. This place is located about three miles down the road from the barn where I board Ruby. It's also only about fifteen or so minutes from work, so this is probably the most attractive part of it for me. Additionally, however, the townhouses are quite nice, and there are some great advantages to the property like extensive walking trails, river views/access and a swimming pool, among other things that appealed to me.

The first property that we looked at was the nicest. It had been somewhat renovated with new flooring -- beautiful Australian cyprus in the living room, slate hallways and kitchen (I LOVE slate, always wanted to do some slate flooring in my home), stone tile floors in the bathrooms and high-end, lovely berber carpet on the stairs and upstairs. There are two good-sized bedrooms and a loft area in the master, which would work for an office, a little den or perhaps as a location for my treadmill. This unit also has a finished basement with a walkout and a very large laundry area. There are a few things that need some work, definitely the kitchen needs some upgrading and new appliances. And the bathrooms could use a little upgrading too, although, not really a huge necessity, a big renovation wouldn't be needed on the bathrooms, a little facelift there would work wonders.

The second property was the exact layout as the first, only without the renovations and without the basement/walkout. It was nice to have seen the other property first, to help to have a vision for how this one could possibly look. However, it's hard to get around the absence of the basement/walkout space. This one only had a crawl space for a basement (the laundry was a stackable on the second floor), so the overall useable square footage is much less. The asking price was also about 25K less, so that's a big thing to consider.

We then saw one or two (I can't even remember, I'm already losing track and it's only been one day!) with an alternative layout. This one you enter into the living room, the kitchen is at the back and the glass doors and deck are off the kitchen. In the other units, you enter into a hallway, the kitchen is off the hallway and then the hallway opens up into the living room, with the glass doors and deck off of the LR. The units with the LR in the front are smaller and more narrow, the bedrooms are smaller and there is no loft in the master bedroom. I definitely preferred the other layout, I found it much more spacious, felt that it flowed much better and I preferred having the deck off of the living room. One of these was obviously a bank-owned foreclosure and was an absolute MESS, so it would need a ton of work.

Lastly was a unit that Larry had been unable to get access to. It is still occupied and the listing realtor had not responded. But we took a walk by it anyway, to see the location and I have to say that I was intrigued when I saw how it was situated. This unit is my preferred layout and it looks out over the walking trail (the trail passes right beside the deck) and the river just beyond that, so it seems like it could be lovely. There is no walkout with this one however, so there would be a tradeoff (and I haven't seen it yet, so I don't have an idea of what shape it's in).

So, overall, I liked the first place the best as it is move-in ready and I loved what they've done with the flooring. It's got the most space and having the finished basement/walkout would provide the most flexibility and options. It is the most expensive, however, it is also empty and has been on the market for 30 days (and counting) so perhaps there would be some negotiation possible there. Also, the argument can be made that the kitchen needs some work, so, despite the upgraded flooring throughout, it still should not be commanding top dollar.

After thinking awhile about the properties that I saw, I think that I've decided that I am not interested in the second layout option (kitchen in the back). But whether I can live without the basement/walkout is still on the table. If there is a huge price difference and there are some other advantages (like the view and immediate proximity to the walking trail with the unit I didn't see), then maybe I can get over having that extra space. I still have to think about all this. I CAN say however, that a few things have stuck in my mind since yesterday.

They are:

* The lovely, lovely hardwood, slate and berber flooring in that first unit. I keep thinking about how nice the place was. (Yes, I'm shallow, always going for the appearance).
* I loved how all the units have forced hot air (from a town gas line! no oil or propane delivery required) and central air.
* LOVED the walking trail. I just think that I would get so much use out of that. I especially keep thinking of how nice it would be to right beside it in that one unit.

The more I think about it, the more I think that my quality of life would be improved by moving to a place in this location. The proximity to the barn is one of the biggest advantages. I'm losing about an hour a day driving back & forth and I can tell you there are plenty of days where I've talked myself out of it for this very reason, not to mention those days in the Fall when I just run out of sunlight. Also because of the access to trails (both on the property and town & state trails very close by), I would have more time and ability to get the dogs out for decent walks or runs. Less wasted time driving, more stuff immediately available. These places are going to be much more energy efficient -- my current house has electric heat (UGH!) and because there is no duct work, central air is not doable. I cool it adequately with a ductless, split-system A/C, but it would be nice just not to have to deal (I worry about the maintenance of the external duct thing on the outside of the house). The condo units would be smaller than I have now, but I think perfectly adequate for my needs. And certainly if I want to renovate something (like the kitchen), it will be a lot more doable with a smaller space anyway. I know people who live in these condos and I have not heard one negative thing about it, so I feel pretty good about it so far. So, I don't know. Bottom line is, I don't hate where I am, but I think my life would be better there. So, I've decided to continue to move forward. I'll see if the market analysis stops me cold in my tracks.

The Communicator

I find it hilarious how every time I have any kind of evaluation at work, it is emphasized how fantastic I am at communication. No one seems to notice that I'm a complete introvert and extremely socially awkward. I guess I either, A) know how to make up for it, or, B) how to fake it. Either way it takes effort and is exhausting!

Sundry

* I'm not quite sure why, but every conversation I have with my father leads to my defensiveness and even sometimes irritation, over the most mundane of topics. Case in point: Today he was asking how Tig's obedience class was going. And then he went on to say something to the effect that I must have a goal to make him "sane". What? He's just an excited dog, but he's a good boy. My response was, "no, the goal is for him to be happy. To give him something fun to do. To engage his mind. And to reinforce our bond." Whatever.

* Speaking of Tig, I took him on a very nice, long walk/hike/run/whatever in Mine Falls Park today. We saw a good number of other people, as well as dogs, during our outing and Tig was each time completely focused on me and willing to stick by my leg on a loose leash. He's really come a long way.

* On my way to the park this morning, I took a drive through the condo complex that I'm interested in, just to get a feel for the area. The place seems pretty nice and there also appears to some conservation land that abuts the property to East, which is a plus. Also, I noticed that the decks on the townhouse units are actually a bit bigger than I had originally thought. Still smaller than what I currently have, but larger than I had been thinking, so that's a plus. It was nice to see how close we would be to Mine Falls Park and other trail areas.

* I'm still a little bit traumatized by our nor'easter/hurricane/tornado or whatever it was that hit Southern NH on Thursday night, into Friday. I do not want to have to repeat that experience any time soon -- it was crazy! And now I'm rather overwhelmed with the task of figuring out how I'm going to address my damaged roof and porch. GAWD! It's always something. Add THIS to the pro list for moving to a condo townhouse.

* Post-hypnosis seems to be going well so far. I have not been tempted to binge (or really, to eat anything not in my best interests) and was motivated to do the walk today.

* I had some text messages from the kid who was riding Ruby this week down in Aiken for my trainer's "Kids' Camp Week". She sent me updates through the week and gushed about how much she loved Ruby. I always enjoy hearing when someone loves my horse and I really appreciated the updates. I told her that she could ride Ruby back in NH if she wants to. I am thinking especially for the weeks I'm on-call when it is hard for me to count on being able to ride at all.

* I'm enjoying this weekend quite a bit, I wish it was a long one!

Hypnosis on a Saturday Morning

I had my hypnosis session today and I think that I'm still trying to process everything. Actually, I think it's going to take me a few days to really get a feel for whether it is working, to see what I'm getting out of it. So far, however, I'm thinking that the result has been positive.

Since this was my first time, the session started with a long talk with the hypnosis therapist. We talked a lot about my goals, my life, both past & present, my feelings, what stresses me out, what fulfills me, what I see as a healthy ideal. It was a very long discussion, but an interesting one. It actually kind of felt like therapy and I feel like he knew me pretty well after all that. Then he spent a little bit of time explaining how the mind works and how hypnosis works and how these things fit together. He told me what to expect and then asked me if I had any concerns and I said, "nope". I guess most people have concerns, but whatever.

Then it was time for the actual hypnosis. I sat in a comfortable recliner and basically just listened to his voice. At no point did I really feel any different. I didn't "go" anywhere or ever feel like I couldn't just open my eyes at any moment. Random, unrelated thoughts did cross through my mind from time-to-time (stuff like, 'what errands do I need to do after this?'), but I was able to let them drift past without latching onto anything. During this session there were a couple of distinct periods where he talked me through deeper & deeper relaxation (mostly by counting and imagery) and the rest of the time he just emphasized the behaviors to help me reach my goals, as well as emphasis on my positive attributes. When it was time to end, he counted me out of it and I opened my eyes and that was pretty much it.

I can't say that I felt any different. I felt pretty relaxed, but at the same time, less tired than I had felt when I had arrived. I was amazed to learn, however, that our hypnosis session had lasted 40 minutes! If someone had asked me, I would have sworn it was no more than 15 minutes, if that. The jury is still out on whether this will have any effect on my behavior in my real life, but I'm willing to be open-minded about it. Already I can say that all I wanted for dinner tonight was a Lean Cuisine, even though I have a steak in my fridge. So that gives me a little bit of encouragement. It will be interesting to also see if there is any effect on my stress/anxiety levels. So I have a lot to think about this week and will be posting updates!

All-in-all, I was there for over 2.5 hours! I signed up for another session for next week, this will be a much shorter session, just the hypnosis part, I think. The therapist said for this type of work that three sessions are recommended. He said that after the three, most people are pretty well on track. We'll see.

Boxers are the Best

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a kid person. And I'm especially not a a baby person. But even I thought this was unbelievably adorable. Of course, I am completely in love with the dog, not the kid, but you expected that. Right?

Wet Dog

My Boxer, Tig, is the biggest water weenie that I've ever met. Human or canine, that's saying a lot. Big time wimp.

So, tonight it's pouring down rain. I mean, teeming, driving, torrential rain. And of course at some point Tig has to desperately go out. That is until I open the door and he sees the rain. I guess he had to pee pretty badly though, because he jumped outside anyway, after a big hesitation. Normally, he would immediately back away from the door when he saw that kind of rain. So out he slinks, looking over his should at me (which means that I now have to go out there with him). So, Tig gets half-way out in the yard and decides, nope, it's not worth it and bolts back for the door. Ugh, I know how this is going to go. He's going to go back in the house and will just start bugging me to go out again, so, no freaking way! So, I corral him back across the deck and back down the stairs, and he tries to get back to the door. I block, he bolts around me and back to the door, I chase him back down in to the yard. And so it goes, back & forth in crazy freaking rain until we're both completely and utterly soaked. Finally he stands there at the bottom of the steps shivering and looking at me. I stand at the bottom of the stairs and shoo him farther into the yard. FINALLY he gets to business, trots a little way out, sniffs and pees and then runs again for the door, this time I let him go, of course. He could have peed in 20 seconds and gotten it over with, without all the drama, I didn't need to be now sitting here soaking wet and freezing. Stupid dog, SHEESH!

Edited to Add @ 9:31 PM: Heaven help me, that dog wants to go out again!

Edited to Add # 9:42 PM: And ... I'm soaked again. The dog looks at me like the weather is my fault or something.

Moving "Fantasy" Update

As an update to my moving fantasy of the other day: I bit the bullet earlier in the week and sent a query to a real estate agent. He called me last night and I was able to discuss with him at length what I was thinking of doing. He seems to think that it may perhaps be doable. Maybe. He said that there are some tax incentives for buyers right now, so he thinks that I should get my place on the market immediately to take advantage of this possible motivation. The tax incentive expires sometime in April, so if someone is potentially interested in my place, there is a big advantage to them having a contract in place by the April, whatever cut-off date.

I'm a little overwhelmed, to put it mildly.

In any case, he's going to come by my house next weekend to do a market analysis and then we're going to go look at some townhouses in the complex that I'm interested in. I guess it can't hurt to take a stab at this, I don't have to sell if I suddenly chicken out, or don't get a decent enough offer. Still ... yikes!

Edited to Add: I should mention that my real real estate fantasy is to buy some charming cottage in Hollis. But I'm unlikely to be able to realistically afford this anytime soon (or in my lifetime, if I'm going to truly be honest with myself). The condo idea above is my current, semi-realistic fantasy. Just so we're clear.

Hypnosis Scheduled

Well, I have an appointment set for the hypnosis place. Unfortunately, I couldn't get anything before next Saturday, but it will be here soon enough. Should be interesting, I'll make a point of posting about my experience.

I always have one fantasy or another going

I've been fantasizing this week about downsizing a little bit. Selling my house and buying a townhouse close to where I board my horse. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea. But the thought of it also completely overwhelms me. So, I'm making out a pro & con list. Here is what I've come up with so far:

Pros

* Cheaper (smaller mortgage, less property taxes, may be less HOA (not sure about that last one)
* MUCH closer to the barn. Like by 25 mins each way -- this is HUGE to me.
* A bit smaller (less to clean and less area to keep track of), might be a warmer space in the Winter (lower utility bills).
* Central air (at least the place I was thinking of).
* Closer to Nashua amenities (like Trader Joes, hello!)
* Less stuff to maintain (yard, outside stuff).
* This particular place has a swimming pool.
* The condo place I'm thinking of also has walking trails.
* There are at least three other areas of conservation land trails very close by.
* It's just beside the border to my favorite town (Hollis).
* I'd be closer to some of my cousins and some other people I know from the barn.

Cons

* No backyard or screened porch, smaller deck. much less personal outdoor space.
* Attached walls.
* No garage.
* Smaller space (can be looked at as both a plus and a minus).
* Only 1.5 baths, no master bath (I don't think).
* Selling and buying and closing and moving is enormously expensive, not to mention a huge pain-in-the-butt.
* I currently have an excellent mortgage rate, it would piss me off to have a higher %.
* I'm sure I couldn't get as much for my house right now as I paid for it.
* All the work I would have to have done on my house in order to even think about selling it.
* Sure would miss being able to just let the dogs out all the time.
* Being in an attached townhouse, the dogs might bark more (I don't care so much, but neighbors might object).


Break-even stuff

* About the same distance to work (give or take maybe 3 minutes).
* Both locations are pretty close to grocery stores, etc.
* With the outlay of money it takes to sell, buy and move, the money part might actually break even for a while.

Most likely this is all a moot point because I suspect that I would not be able to sell my house for near enough for it to make any sense. I think the biggest reason that I'm fantasizing about this right now is because I really, really, really want to be closer to Ruby, while not adding any time to my commute. And the idea of paying less per month, in general, is a very attractive idea too. If I could get what I paid for my house it would absolutely make sense. But it is a whole lot of trouble, not to mention up-front expense, to jump through the hoops to be in a position to even think about selling. Well, maybe I'll look into it come Spring, see if I can find someone to recommend a real estate agent. Or maybe I'll put the thought on the back burner and think about it again in another year. Food for thought anyway.

Hypnosis

Heaven help me, but I just sent an email to a hypnosis center in an adjacent town. I have to find a way to combat this continued anxiety, and the idea of hypnosis has always intrigued me. I would also be interested to see if it could help me with fitness goals, general focus, finding a "center", etc. I guess it couldn't hurt to check it out anyway, if I don't feel it's for me, I don't have to go back. If nothing else, it might make for an interesting blog post.

Ski Racing

A very brief video of my nephew at a recent ski race -- just a glimpse as he flies past:



He made the qualifier for the Western Junior Olympics!

Worry, Worry, Worry

I've been feeling a little, I don't know ... lost over the past week or two. I think most of it is stemming from worry. Mostly worry about work. I am worried about continuing to have a job. I worry about the stuff I'm working on, I worry about the stuff I may end up working on. I worry about what I don't know, or whether I am learning enough, or quick enough. I worry about the stuff I haven't learned yet or the stuff I can maybe learn, but perhaps need assistance with at first (and how to ask, or who to ask). I worry about the stuff other people are given to do. I worry about being out of the loop. I worry about being so much in the loop that I can't devote enough time or attention to any, one thing. I worry about what team members think about me, I worry about what customers think about me. Worry, worry, worry, worry. I worry so much and so constantly that my heart literally pounds and my breath comes so fast that I actually pant. I'm basically a bit of a wreck right now. It's a shame because I had such a nice period where I actually felt comfortable and content at work. I guess my anxiety took a bit of a holiday, but it's back in full-swing now.

(I hate to admit it, but I even worry that I haven't written a blog post in a while, or what I'm going to write about, or how to write it, or whatever. I am such a freak!)

I think this is partially the result of the current climate (both economically and the changes that have been going on at my company) and partially it is just my nature and my continued feelings of insecurity and my lack of self-esteem. I do know that if I could push myself to exercise more, that would help balance my emotions. If I could sleep a little better, that would help too. I have always craved for a feeling of financial/employment security and I have never, ever really felt it, no matter what job I had at the time. I'm not sure if this is just my general emotional make-up or if it's also a little bit of mild PTSS from a period of time growing up when my father was unemployed. Perhaps the feelings of worry from my parents during that time of my life leaked into my psyche and made more of a lasting impression than I realized. Whatever the cause, I need to think of healthy ways to deal with this continued anxiety.

I miss my horse very much, and I know that when I'm riding, I truly do not think about anything else at all. However, it's also hard to motivate myself to ride during the Winter and she is also doing so wonderfully down in Aiken (she got THIRD in her division at the Sporting Days HT on Sunday!) that I don't at all regret sending her down there. She is going to come back a much better horse than she left, I know that. I am also looking forward to having her for my week in Aiken at the end of March. That will hopefully be an entire week where I won't think or worry about work (or not much anyway).

Taking Tig to his new obedience class is helping a bit too. He and I are both enjoying the class and I make sure that I spend at least a little bit of time each day on our "homework". It's great to have some productive time that has absolutely nothing to do with work, and that also has nothing to do with my weight or my fitness level, another source of worry & anxiety, let me tell you.

When I exercise I actually think about work quite a bit. But I think about it with more perspective, or more reasonable perspective anyway. I have found that it really can help me balance my emotions and my worries. I can puzzle out problems and I feel better about the things that I can't control. So, I think that has to be my goal going forward. Do something (anything!) for exercise everyday. Even if it's just taking a dog for a 15 minute walk. SHEESH. What a mess I am.

XC Helmet Cam

I posted this to Facebook yesterday (it was posted in the COTH Eventing message boards):

Dressage on Fergie

On Wednesday night I had a riding lesson and got to ride "Fergie". Fergie was the very first horse that I rode at ATF so it was interesting to give her a try again after all this time. I remember that first time that I had a lot of trouble getting a decent pace out of her and forget about getting on her on bit or bending. At that stage I was really just trying to remember basic aids and trying to re-establish my own balance on a horse. Shortly after that first lesson I started leasing LuLu and then I bought Ruby, so I didn't ride Fergie again until this week.

There is a guy who is sometimes in my lessons who has ridden Fergie a lot, and I've listened to him complain about her before, so when I saw that I was going to be riding her, I wasn't thrilled. But it turns out she was really quite nice! Getting a good forward pace out of her was a bit of a challenge (she also had been ridden in another lesson that day, so it probably wasn't ideal timing), but I found that if I was aggressive about asking for it, and if I kept after her, that she gave up her resistance and did what I wanted. This is a different approach to how I was told by Pat Spettel to ride Ruby. In Ruby's case, she is confused or dulled by constantly nagging with the leg. With Fergie I think she just has to know that you are not going to give up. I guess that she is so used to lesson kids riding her that she probably does get away with a lot if she resists enough. Once she realized that I was not going away, getting the forward out of her was easier. It wasn't a rocking pace by any means, but it was much better, once I was able to get her going. But it was her lovely, light contact that I really enjoyed. Once we got going, she got nicely round, kept such a light, elastic feel that I was amazed. I found it somewhat eye-opening to ride a horse like this, it really was a bit of an "Aha" moment for me. Kind of like, "aha! So, this is how that is supposed to feel!" LuLu tends to lean and get heavy in the hand and with Ruby, while we have our moments of the right contact and feel, it's not yet very consistent, so it can be a bit of a struggle. It was a great lesson for me to see how little you really need to do, or should be doing, with your hands in order to get this result. I'm hoping that I can remember the feeling and that I can carry it over to other horses (especially Ruby, of course). At one point during the lesson we had been trotting around without a break for a long period and Ann said something like, "you're all probably dying at this point." And then she looked me and said, "Well, I'm sure Debbie is anyway." And I said, "I'm actually really enjoying this. Yes, it's tough, but I'm enjoying it."

After my lesson this guy at the barn (same guy who had the complaints about Fergie) said to me, "My horse is like a different horse now that your's is in South Carolina. He's so much happier." I wasn't really sure quite how to respond to that. Am I now supposed to feel terrible that his horse doesn't like my horse? It's not like a child's play group or something. What was I supposed to say or do about that?

Eventing Strong

I love this video! (for the non-horse-y people, "Eventing" is the type of equestrian competition that I do with Ruby)



Thanks to Shannon Molloy for posting the video to Facebook.

Working Out

Well, I'm trying to start off the new year on a more or less good, or at least healthy(ish), note. I believe I mentioned that I joined the "Y", but I didn't actually go for the first time until this past Saturday. For my first workout I was just going to do about half-an-hour, but I surprised myself by working out for almost an hour. I even managed to throw in a few running intervals.

Tonight I went back to the "Y" for more of the same. I spent half-an-hour on the elliptical and then walked for twenty minutes on the indoor running/walking track. The indoor track is really a great alternative during the Winter as the short, dark days, the frigid weather and the ice and snow (and snow banks) everywhere here make it pretty tough to run outside. The track is also considerably less tedious than the treadmill. I still want to keep sessions on the treadmill in rotation as I think I force myself to maintain a more consistent pace (whatever that targeted pace may be) and it works really well for adding intervals. Anyway, I'm pretty pleased with my motivation so far. I have signed myself up for a spinning class on Thursday night. I'm pretty nervous about that, it's been over a year since I've taken one and I'm hopelessly out of shape.

On the food front, I've been okay. Not perfect, but not bad. I've stuck to my breakfast resolve, eating yogurt or oatmeal 6 days / week. Most lunches have been reasonable -- I've actually been getting the entrees at the cafeteria at work (when they have a healthy one). Usually the portion is right and I'll get two vegetables as sides, something I tend not to eat much, when cooking for myself. I've been cooking a lot and have not had much in the way of sweets or other junk. I'm sure that I can get better in this area, but I feel pretty good about my progress at the moment. Oh! And I have increased my water intake and decreased the soda, so that is also a positive.

I think I need to have a different attitude about this health & fitness stuff than I have had previously. Always before it's been about weightloss and looking better. Well, maybe it hasn't been only about weightloss, but that always seems to the most prominent part of any new, healthy resolve to me. And this is also one of the reasons why I become so discouraged so easily, so demoralized when I can't ever seem to reach even a fraction of my ultimate goals. I throw my hands up in despair and figure, why bother? So, I think I have to completely throw weightloss out the window. I hope that weightloss happens, but I don't think that it can be the focus of my efforts any longer. It has just contributed to too many years of self-loathing and disappointment for me.

Instead I am now focused on heath and on training. When I don't want to work out, I have to remind myself of my (Eventing) competition goals. When I want to eat junk, I have to think about the health element and how it will make me feel. If I do eat junk, remember that bad physical feeling, rather than kick myself for having no will power or for setting myself back in my weightloss goals. As they like to say at Jenny Craig, "It's Progress, Not Perfection". At least, I think that was Jenny Craig. Whatever.

Anxiety Dreams

Last night I had some crazy dreams. I slept pretty well until about 3 AM (when the Ambien wore off). I then remember having nightmares about being fired. This is not so unusual, but this time I had dreams on top of dreams -- layered dreams where I remember dreaming about being fired and not being sure if it was true or it had been part of another dream. So, I kept waking up back-and-forth in either a dream or for real not knowing if what I had just dreamt was dream or memory. This happened for pretty much the rest of the night. Kind of like looking in one of those mirrors where you can see yourself reflected back endlessly. Crazy ... much? Ya, I know.