Gawd I'm tired this week. I really am. I've tried to be better about getting to bed and turning off my lights at a reasonable time, but it's still not usually before 11:30 or midnight. So here I struggle just to shake the cobwebs out and keep my eyes open this morning. Really looking forward to being able to sleep a little on Friday. Maybe I'll feel better after that.

My God. Now they're playing The Little Drummer Boy. Really. ACK!

So I listen to this lame rock station here at work. Basically, the reception here stinks, so I don't have a lot of choices. Anyway, I'm listening to it and they are playing Christmas hymns. Hymns! What is this??? ARGH!

Have I mentioned that I hate the title of my blog? I wonder if it's a pain in the butt to change it? Is it worth the bother? Don't even know what I would even change it to, I just don't like the name as it stands now. Gah!

Julia comments:

"I am going to my Company party on Thursday. It's huge. People hear about the Fidelity Christmas party even if they don't work here. It used to be much bigger until we moved a lot of people to remote offices. Anyway, I made sure I came back from India in time to catch it. I wouldn't miss it. Free food, free wine and beer, cab rides home... it's terrific."

Well, we used to have really great Christmas parties here too. I've been to formal parties at: The Plaza, The Pierre (very chichi), The Rainbow Room, Tavern on the Green, Cipriani's, to name just a few. It was always a total blast. Everyone got very dressed up and there was open bar and great food and it was always on a Friday night so you didn't have to worry about going to work the next day. That all ended a few years ago however, when they started laying people off. Now the company shells out $25 a head per department so that each group can go do something. $25 is never enough though, so you end up haven't to chip in some for it. Don't even think I'm going to bother this year.

ARGH! The chick who sits in the cubicle behind me eats this crap that smells (strongly) of a cross between curry and maple syrup. Every. Damn. Day. It's disgusting (and so rude).

Thursday afternoon is our departmental holiday lunch. Reservations have been made at some restaurant that I am not very interested in (one of the menu items is "fried okra" for cripes sake) and I am not feeling particularly festive nor social. Especially in light of the fact that we won't be receiving raises for the third year in a row. And also there are some politics around here lately that make me uncomfortable and not really up for all the phoney chit chat. It exhausts me just thinking about it all, to be honest. I'm thinking of skipping it. On the plus side, there would be unlimited beer/wine for a couple of hours. sigh, what to do, what to do...

Well, I spent some time tonight putting stuff away, cleaning a bit, sorting through a lot of my crap and trying to organize things somewhat. I feel a little better now.

Put in for a personal day this Friday. The Season, NYC, my job and my life are all getting me down. I need a day off.

I hate to be a cliche, but...

The Christmas season always gets me down and this year is no exception. Between the financial and guilty pressure of obligation and having no one special to be with, the whole thing just sucks all around. Add to that the looming New Year (again with no one special to share it with) and the natural inclination to review the past year and think about what's not working in my life (which is quite a lot, I must say). I just have this overwhelming feeling of dread and hopelessness and unhappiness.

Looks like the snow storm turned out to be a bit of a bust. It looked promising when it was snowing heavily until 3 pm or so, but then the snow changed to rain -- and it's raining out there still. Looks like all the snow will wash away in the end. I wonder what this will do to my LIRR commute tomorrow?

Apparently I am still living under that rock because I didn't really have a clue about this morning's snow storm either. Went outside with Lola at 9:30 and there was already about 2 inches and it was coming down hard. Ran into a neighbor who said that the snow hadn't even started yet at 7:30 when he was out with his dog. 2 inches in 2 hours and counting. This is so bizarre for our area. We rarely get snow in December, and if we do, it's usually not a significant amount. To have two big snow storms like this is very unusual. I don't even think it's offcially Winter yet.

Oh and they caught Saddam Hussein -- that's the other big news I didn't know about. But at least that appears to be breaking news this morning, so I'm not too far behind on that one. I've got to think they've been predicting this storm for a while.

Told Carolina & Janos that I would help them with their apartment renovations again today (because I have no life). Now I'm waiting for them to call. While my own apartment is a complete disaster. Need a bulldozer or something for this place. Ugh.

I finally saw Pirates of the Caribbean tonight at Carolina & Janos's. I really enjoyed it, but feel that Johnny Dep really made the movie move beyond being just yet another action picture. Orlando Bloom had his moments too, but Johnny Dep provided a character that gave the film significant humor and a personality that made the movie stand out, for me anyway. It was just a fun movie that was perfect for a Friday night. Enjoyed the characters and the action and didn't have to think too hard. Nor were my emotions manipulated and twisted into a knot. Good, clean fun. Yeah, that's it.

So disappointing: I got a hair cut last night. Lopped off a good bit too. It was a number of inches below my shoulders and I had it cut to a couple of inches above. So a relatively significant haircut. However, no one in my office has noticed. Not one person. Ergh!

Email to the LIRR:

subj: Horrible Service -- Trains Constantly Delayed -- Poor Communication

What gives? My morning train has been late (significantly late, over 10 minutes and as much as 20 minutes or more) EVERY single day this week. Every day. Some mornings there are announcements and some mornings (like today) there are not. I rush madly around my apartment in the morning to be on time for the train, yet I invariably end up standing on the platform amongst other equally frustrated and pissed off passengers waiting for a train that doesn't show. I end up at work late as a result, I end up having to work later at night. The service of your organization just seems to become worse and worse, yet the prices continue to rise. Your latest price increase has me paying around $130 for a monthly ticket -- to go 8 miles. 8 miles! Yet the service is despicable. Additionally, we have to endure surly staff (ticket clerk at the Kew Gardens station) and completely over-crowded trains (I think for $130 a month, I should at least be able to sit down). What are the LIRR plans to improve service? Currently the situation is completely unacceptable.

-Frustrated Passenger

Yesterday I went over to the desk of our department javascript/HTML/Web-stuff "expert" to get some help with my javascript issues. He's a pretty cute guy and our paths don't cross often, so I'm usually a little shy around him (he has a GF, so it's not like I am "after" him or anything, it's just one of those things that gets me flustered). Anyway, I spent almost an hour with him and afterwards I went into the Ladies room where, lo and behold, when I looked into the mirror, I noticed that I had somehow sprouted a zit. Right in between my eyes. And I hardly ever break-out. Additionally, I had somehow developed some kind of red heat rash on my forehead. Our office area is so hot and it was particularly so yesterday. So, nice, attractive picture I must have presented. Sheesh!

I know this is completely redundant, but... delays again this morning on the LIRR. 20 minutes this time, with no announcements to the poor slobs waiting anxiously on the platform (of course, that's what I said they should do yesterday -- just didn't know I was going to be taken literally). At first when we had only been waiting for a couple of minutes, I thought to myself, 'no, it just can't happen again. No matter how much I complain about the LIRR, it would be ridiculous to be late (significantly late -- over 10 or 15 minutes) every single day this week. Even for them.' But sure enough, 20 minutes late. And of course the train was horrendously over-crowded (no seats available at all and limited standing room) AND it made an additional stop in Woodside. I just find this whole state of affairs maddening and frustrating. I feel so completely helpless, there is nothing I can do, I just have to continue to pay their exorbitant fees and take the service they provide, for good or for bad (mostly for bad, as it seems).

Since I brought my lunch to work today (as I'm proud of myself to have been doing all week), I didn't have a chance to run any errands, since I never left the building. So I ran down to Duane Reade for a couple of minutes just now. On my way back to work, coming through the mezzanine at the back entrance, I couldn't help but notice all the smokers socializing and laughing it up out there like it was a good old cocktail party. All that was missing were the cosmos, martinis and finger foods. I don't understand how hard-core smokers get away with it these days. To have to constantly run downstairs and outside to smoke. And then they all seem to run into their smoking buddies, so I would think they tend to hang out for longer than it takes to smoke one cigarette. I just don't get it.

Nothing like banging your head on a wall trying to figure out how to code in javascript when you've had no training in it at all and rarely need to use it. I hate feeling stupid.

So, I gave up two hours of my life to watch Ryan & Trista's wedding last night. Why? I have no idea. I didn't even watch the Bachelorette! So it's not as if these people even have any meaning for me. But watch it I did. The whole two hours. While commenting out loud to myself and Lola about what a load of schlock it really was. But still watching. They staged it like the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. One commenter in the main "booth" while occasionally shooting to ground reporters staged in different places. It just amazes me that these two "average" people are somehow now super-celebrities. Like these beautiful people couldn't get a date before ABC stepped in. Please. I would like to see programming for a show called, "Old Maid" (in addition to the "Average Jane" show I suggested earlier this week). You get some past her prime, 40 or 50-something year old woman who has to wade through a crowd of 40 or 50-something year old guys. Many who have real intimacy issues. Some are divorced and have lots of baggage, are paying alimony and have evil children who don't like the idea of a step mother. All have completely twisted expectations, wanting to date a 23-year old blond, hard-body cheerleader (and not the 40-50 year old woman).

What is with the Reality phenomenon anyway? I think this is the end of civilization as we know it. Certainly I feel my meager intelligence seeping away as a result of watching the small amount of reality programming I have over the last month or so.

Of course there were delays this morning on the LIRR. It's raining afterall. At this point, I think there have been more morning delays than not (over the last few weeks anyway). I think the railroad should forget about making PA anouncements when there is a delay and instead just announce when the trains are on time. Along those same lines, perhaps I should also only remark when the LIRR is on time.

I just got a piece of spam mail that is advertising, "Get TOTALLY Free Condoms on the Internet!". Uh maybe it's just me but, I'm not sure this is an area where one should be looking to getting something for nothing.

The girl in the next cubicle is eating something incredibly stinky AGAIN! ARGH!

Open-air office plans suck.

Everyone knows how much I love The Fab 5, but during the course of the show last night, Bravo was promoting the up and coming "Queer Eye music video" (to be previewed after next week's episode). Is this an example of the media over-exposing and turning a good thing into a pop culture joke? Over-saturating the public with something just because the image in question was well-received in its original form? I hope not, but time will tell.

Oh, and there were delays on the LIRR yet again this morning. Bastards.

Geez, I just re-read the two entries below. Think I'm in a bad mood or something? I blame the LIRR...

Thought I'd try to save some money this morning and drink the free coffee in the pantry here, rather than buying it from Dunkin' Donuts (those soulless bastards) or Primo Cappuccino or similar. However, I don't think this is quite going to work -- ecccccch!

Delays again this morning on the #$@!@&*)$%#$ ass-sucking LIRR. Bastards.

I have a guilty secret to confess. I've been watching Average Joe. Tonight was the finale when the beauty had to choose between "Average Joe" Adam and "hottie" Jason. Personally, I was rooting for Adam, the "average" guy and no, not just because he was the underdog. He just seemed sincere and sweet and there seemed to be a great chemistry between the two. And by the way, he actually was cute, just not a model-y type. I guess a huge part of it was based upon who I would have picked (I guess that's what you end up doing with these shows) and for me having someone who makes me laugh is just such a huge thing. The guy who won, Jason, seemed nice enough and sincere as well, I just thought Adam was such a great guy all around. But what do I know, my romantic history is certainly fraught with way more failure than success. But there you have it, I found the ending very disappointing. I would actually find it extremely interesting if they broadcast an "Average Jane". Of course the average girls would be immediately voted off once the models all showed up, so I guess it wouldn't end up being much of a show afterall.

A week or so ago I bought these "buffalo wings" from the freezer section of my local health food store. They're made with soy and "stone-ground wheat gluten" and are completely vegan -- sounds revolting, yes? I finally decided to give them a try tonight and I have to say they were surprisingly good. Certainly not as good as real buffalo wings, but not a bad facsimile -- good tabasco taste too. And all for under 300 calories. Woo! Too bad I didn't have some beer to go with them though, buffalo wings just aren't the same without beer. But then, I guess that would sort of be defeating the purpose of the healthy "wings" now, wouldn't it?

I have no idea why there should have been delays on the LIRR this morning when the storm ended well over 24 hours ago (and has been brilliant and sunny ever since). They've had plenty of time to get things sorted out, I would think. Bastards.

Wow, we got a lot of snow this weekend. Storm 1 blew through on Friday dumping, I don't know, maybe 5" or 6". Woke up on Saturday morning to storm number 2 (the news channels called it a "blizzard") which continued all day and into the night. I spent the day helping Carolina and Janos with their apartment (they are pretty much down to the wire with time and there is still a significant amount of renovation to be done, so they're taking help wherever they can get it). Carolina's mother kindly made dinner for us afterwards. When we walked from their building back to our's at around 8 PM, we noticed that the snow had finally stopped, and we figured that the storm was finished. However, when I took Lola out at 11:30 it was snowing again quite significantly. Was still snowing when I went to bed (I guess around midnight or so). Who knows when it ever stopped? But it was sunny this morning. Things are kind of messy out there now. But traffic seems to be moving okay and everything is open, etc. So I guess it's back to normal here in NYC.

I've been thinking long and hard about quitting NYC, leaving my job and moving somewhere cheaper to live, work and go back to school. I've been having a lot of dreams lately, my subconscious is really working over time. I think I'm having a mid-life crisis and don't know what to do. I think I need another beer...

drat. I left all the beer at Carolina & Janos's...

It's snowing like crazy out there. It's actually kind of exciting. Wait until Lola sees this tonight, she'll go nuts. On an unrelated note: Penn Station was insane when I ran down there at lunchtime. Children and senior citizens swarming everywhere. I think the Christmas Shows at the Garden have started. And of course all these kids were with school groups and all were linked together, holding hands, so trying to get past was like waiting for a freight train to end. Hordes of people also stood outside my office building blocking the entrances, making a quick errand to pop down and grab lunch an unexpected ordeal. But the snow sure was pretty.

Julia notes that I should have the Weather Bug on my system. Well, I used to have it installed on my computer at work (which is where I really need it because I sit far from a window and never have a clue about what's happening outside) and it drove me bonkers. So I uninstalled it. So there. heh.

I must be living under a rock or something. Apparently there is some huge snow/nor'easter-style storm bearing down on the NYC area -- just in time for the weekend, or so I hear, but not, unfortunately, in time for a snow day tomorrow (boo). They were going on about it on the News like it's something that's been talked about for days. And maybe it has, like I said, I appear to be living under a rock.

Cher is having W&B for dinner tonight. I'm jealous.

So. Busy. Today. But, it's a good kind of busy, so I'm not complaining (believe it or not).

Julia is in India now. So weird to think that it's already tomorrow for her. And she is probably in the middle of her day or something while I sit here falling asleep in front of The West Wing. Anyway, I know that she was not looking forward to this trip, but it sounds pretty exciting nonetheless.

I wanted to blog about some more stuff, but I am so tired tonight that I feel brain damaged. It's all there somewhere in the far reaches of my mind, but I think that's where it's going to stay. At least for tonight.

I've had a problem with the LIRR every day so far this week. Monday were delays that got me to work about half an hour late. Yesterday was the debacle coming home that left me in Jamaica. This morning there were vague announcements of delays again. As we stood, helpless, on the platform watching train after train just fly through the station (while we all froze, I might add). Got to work twenty minutes late. Must be because it is cold. Yeah, that's it. Bastards.

The first scene in Queer Eye (the one when they're in the Suburban, pulling up to the straight guy's office) was right across the street from my office. I mean, my building was in the shot. Damn, should get out at lunch more. Could have maybe met the Fab 5. I think I enjoy the episodes that involve Manhattan straight guys the most (like tonight). Certainly, I relate more to the tiny apartment do-over. I just can't relate as much to some Mc'Mansion make-over in Jersey (as nice as it might be).

The LIRR strikes again. Train decides that it's not going to stop in Forest Hills or Kew Gardens tonight, so it dumps us all in Jamaica (after sitting outside the station and not moving for fifteen minutes). Then it was a mad dash to the end of the platform, down the stairs, find the right set of stairs back up to the correct platform, dash to the other end of that platform and jump on the train moving west. Argh! Damn them!

Asinine thing at lunch today: Hot & Crusty (sandwich & pastry place) markets this lunchtime thing, cup of soup and half a sandwich for $4.50. Yet when you go to the place and try to buy this combination, they make you wait on two lines. First you wait on one line to order your soup. They give you your soup in a bag. Then you have to go to another line and order your half-sandwich. AND then you have to sort of jockey yourself into the register line to pay. Additionally, because of this method, I ended up with three bags for my lunch (one for the soup. one for the sand. and one for my soda). I'd like to meet the brainiac who came up with this new system. Argh!

I was just in my manager's office and I'm standing there talking to him and I look over his head and out the window and... it's snowing outside! I can't even believe it! (I love snow). I must have somehow missed the weather report this morning. kewl.

Seen at the train station this morning: Woman desperate to park, pulls into a spot (on the other side of the tracks) in the skanky muck "pond" that has formed from all the rain we've had. This water smells, I have to hold my breath when I get off the train at night and walk past this stagnant water on my way home. Anyway, she pulls in and gets out of her car wearing long, woolen pants and back-less mule shoes. Steps into that skanky water (deeper than her ankles) like it was nothing. I was completely flabbergasted. People are crazy.

Greedy @$$&*^#$ Dunkin' Donuts just raised their prices again! As if I wasn't already in a bad enough mood this morning. bastards.

I forgot to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. Oh well.

Anyway, I am very proud of myself because I actually cooked! I rarely cook (beyond grilling something on the foreman grill and steaming vegetables), but I had a hankering for stuffing (it being Thanksgiving and all). So I bought a chicken and stuffed it (a turkey would have been a bit much, don't you think?) And cooked it. And it came out pretty good, if I do say so myself. I didn't do potatoes, because that seemed like a lot of work and pretty silly just for me, but I bought some frozen turnips (I love turnips) and also made a little salad. Everything was surprisingly good, especially stuffing (that once in a year treat I hadn't really had in years). Lola even got in on it as I cut up some dark meat and mixed it in with her dinner (of course her nose was out of joint for the next meal when she discovered that fresh chicken was not going to be an ongoing accompaniment). So now it's nice to have some leftovers in my fridge that actually stand a chance of being eaten. Woo.

I Have a Question: I would really like to post links to some of the blogs I read regularly and enjoy, but mostly the authors of these blogs are more or less strangers to me. Is it good blog etiquette to post a link? Or should you gain approval from the blog owner first? Discuss...

So it's after midnight, I was just outside walking Lola and there are a bunch of obnoxious teenagers loudly whooping it up on the street so I go, "shuuuusssssh!" One of them goes. "shuuuush!" back to me and so I say, "you know, this is a residential neighborhood, you are walking among people's apartments, under the windows of people's homes, have a little respect". They don't answer until about a couple of minutes or later when they're all the way around the corner, then one of them yells, "slut!" I laughed out loud, and then reply, "oh yeah, I'm a slut, in baggy sweat pants and no make-up, picking up my dog's poop." If only my life was that interesting.

Okay, I am now is such a freaking bad mood. Today is the day before Thanksgiving and my Company released everyone to go home around 2:30, yet my entire department remains! So, it's not like I can really just go waltzing out of here (although I would, if my boss would just leave already!) Argh! this is so frustrating. So here I sit wasting time by reading blogs. I've even already done my ass-sucking-self-eval-year-end-review. UGH.

What is Bugging Me this Very Second: The girl who sits in the cubicle behind mine crunching (unbelievably loudly) on whatever the hell it is she's eating -- ARGH!!!!

it's driving me insane...

I enjoyed last nights Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I felt a little sorry for the poor, deluded straight guy who was such a slave to his toupee. A toupee! I'm glad they were able to convince him to ditch it. (aside: I never knew that they glued these things to people's heads! Gaaaaah! Does not seem too healthy if you ask me). Anyway, one of the things that I think I really like about this show is that it has a heart. The Fab 5 really seem to care about the guys they make over (they also seem to really care about each other). They manage to make it funny and still be kind to the guy. The show could easily have gone in a nasty direction. Almost each episode seems to produce a straight guy who has true tears of graditude. Oh, and I must say, I really love what Thom did to that house -- it was gorgeous. Wish I could afford to have him come out to Queens and whip my little hovel into similar shape. So, for those of you who may have missed last nights episode, NBC is re-airing it tonight at 8 PM (EST).

As I sit here trying to remember what I was going to blog about, I notice that Lola is oddly absent. Damn! She's probably in the other room eating that napkin I left on the sofa. She can be sneaky, that one.

The project manager on my BIG project keeps changing the methodology and structure of the project. That means that the logic flow, applications and even the databases keep changing. Which means that I keep having to go back and change work that I've already completed. I wouldn't mind so much except that sometimes this means literally ripping the guts out of a program I spent weeks (or even months) building. Like what I've been going through all of last week and so far this week. So I completely broke my app last week. Nothing worked and I couldn't put it back together. It was like Humpty Dumpty. Imagine my panic (added to the stress of the layoffs). But I was finally able to fix it this morning. What a relief!

Speaking of layoffs. I had a nightmare on Sunday night. I dreamt that I was being laid off -- it was so real. You know how you can sometimes have a dream that seems very real, but then there is something weird about it that you can't quite put your finger on at first. Finally you have an 'aha', "oh, right. Tom Cruise is not my boss!" or something to that effect. Well, not so with this nightmare. Everything was like real life. My cubicle, the cast of characters, etc. I woke up and it took me a while to really shake the dream off. So I commuted to work with more than the usual Monday trepidation. Luckily I've had a relatively good week so far and have been able to banish the dream to the farther corners of my mind.

Minor Annoyances for Today (so far):

- People who bring small children on a commuter train.
- When you buy your whatever at Dunkin' Donuts and you're waiting for the bag, step aside so the person behind you doesn't have to reach over you to pay for their order.
- When you're getting on an elevator and there are people behind you also waiting to get on, do you think you can maybe step further into the elevator so the rest of us can get on???
- If you called and spoke to me last Thursday and confirmed my appointment with the dentist. AND called and left me a voice mail this morning to confirm again. Do not require me to call back to re-confirm! Gaaah! I'm busy enough today! (nobody is in here)

Added to the List (1:51 PM):
- HORRIBLE smell of (the chick's who sits behind me) lunch. I'm gagging bleargh.

Added to the List (7:32 PM):
- Duane Reade lost my prescription.
- My train home was late arriving to Penn Station, pulling in about 2 minutes before it was due to leave and thus causing a stampede rush for the available seats.
- The running shoes I bought this Summer are really not working out. I don't know if I just happened to get a bum pair (kind of like getting a lemon car) or that they've changed the model so drasically from last year. Either way, I am not pleased.

I took a nice, 3-mile walk with Lola this afternoon because the weather is so beautiful here and I never really get to see much of the daylight during the week this time of year. Queens is a completely different world to Manhattan, it really is. In the course of our 3-mile walk we saw 2 dogs. Literally. In Manhattan (in the neighborhood I used to live) you wouldn't be able to walk 2 feet without seeing at least a couple of dogs. And people's reaction to dogs around here blow my mind. You get everything from complete indifference, to suspicion to absolute horror and terror. At a pug. Imagine if I was walking a rottweiler or a bull mastiff or something. People are strange.

I have to say, I'm a little upset by the apparent demise of Dr. Romano on ER tonight. He was obviously not a favorite, but I think he added humor and sarcasm and a conflicted, multi-faceted villain to the show that they will be hard-pressed to replicate in his absence, I think. Certainly an edge that Carrie Weaver will not be able to provide as she come across as pure bitchiness with no humor at all (in my opinion).

I talked to my good friend Sandra earlier today. Sandra moved back to Ireland a few years ago and I miss her so much! One of these days I'll get my act together and make a trip over there to visit. Of course she was none too pleased with me to hear that I was in London in August. Said she would have flown over to meet me. Oops.

I believe that I had my singlemost worst (so far) LIRR experience this morning. Announcements of delays of 20 minutes, they then extended that to 30 minutes (while we're all standing there in the rain). Train that finally arrives was so packed, there was only room for maybe 2 more people to squeeze on (and that was by with practically standing on the toes of the people already standing there). I managed to just barely get on, but squeezed in so tight, I could actually feel and smell the hot, bad breath of the guy standing behind me (unbelievably gross). Train had to of course then stop at Forest Hills AND Woodside. There was a woman a couple of people away from me, who had dandruff (GROSS!). I felt sorry for the girl in the black sweater standing behind her, who kept having to brush off the flakes that came her way. ICK! It was such an uncomfortable ride and I was so frustrated that I literally felt myself on the edge of tears. I hate commuting!

I. Am. So. Tired. I think I'm actually getting sick. Got all those warning signs, headache, sore throat, that heavy-achy feeling. Too bad cuz I was really on a roll. It's been about a year since I had any kind of serious cold.

Gaaaah! I must have the most uncomfortable chair ON EARTH! I'm not kidding.

I'm having a relatively good day today. Especially considering how this week started out. I've been busy and productive and was able to figure out something that had me tearing my hair out on Monday & Tuesday. I love when that happens. I all of a sudden feel "smart" again.

oooooo, someone nearby is eating soup or something and it smells really good. Now I'm hungry.

Enjoyed tonight's Queer Eye. Of course I am pretty much always a fan of getting rid of the facial hair, in my opinion a beard or moustache is rarely a good look. Unless you're maybe trying to cover up a deformity or something. And I don't know what goes on in other parts of the country, but here in NYC we were treated to a cheesy, low-budget commercial for a Gay porn website (mygaydar dot com, or similar). At least I think it was for Gay porn, I can't imagine it was an ad for a hip line of clothing. Somehow I don't think this ad would be so welcome over on NBC. But I could be wrong, Gay seems to be the Black these days...

YAY! a new Queer Eye for the Straight Guy airs tonight at 10 PM (EST) on Bravo. Looking forward to it. (Yes, this is how exciting my life actually is)

Rant of the Day: The president (and owner) of the company I work for who made a point of being out of the country when the layoffs were happening yesterday. Nobody liked what happened, but be a man, step up and at least be present when your staff is being let go. Especially since many of these people worked for you for over 20 YEARS! Pisses me off.

This morning's tear-jerker Today segment featured Matt Lauer's admiration of Hospice Care Workers. A subject close to the emotions of most people who have stood over a loved one with a terminal illness. Why does NBC seem to plot these things for the exact time I'm trying to put my make-up on??? As if it wasn't already hard enough to get out the door in one piece in the morning. Sheesh.

Today was such a screwed up day that simple kindnesses really made my day. Like the guy who let me step ahead of him when getting off the train this morning. And the guy who held the elevator for me, even though I wasn't all that close. Little things like these seem big when ugly things are happening in your world.

OMG! I just found out that a long-time friend of mine here was laid off. Also upsetting is the fact that she is not a young woman. She had worked here for probably about 20 years. It's going to be hard for her to start over. Bastards!

So far, I have heard of a lot of old-time programmers being let go. People who have been here since the beginning of time, practically. Also heard about an admin from the department next to mine, whom I'm friendly with who was let go and some other people here and there. My friend Lares just called me to see if I was still here. Uh, yes, so far... (actually, I was led to believe that I was safe. For this round anyway, who knows what the future holds?)

Well, the layoffs have started...

Lola has this weekend morning ritual of waking me up. First, she'll stick her face in my face (usually licking whatever she has access to). Then she will alternate sitting on one of my hands with sitting on one of my feet, moving back & forth across the bed as she does so. Well, this morning she added a new feature to her weekend repertoire. She stuck her face in my face and then she climbed up on my pillow, turned around, backed up, and sat. On my face. How weird is this dog?

So, they've pushed back the layoffs at my company until next week. This week they distributed a document about severances (as in, what severance people are entitled to, based upon years of service). The rumors are flying and I have a little more information. I know who is being laidoff in Chrissy's division. In my division I don't know, except that they are looking for 13 or 14 people from my VP's area (his area is comprised of five or so departments). Last I heard was that my specific department is not being asked to lay anyone off, but that also seems to be changing daily. Every round of layoffs seems to skim that much closer to us. I hate sitting here knowing that all of this is about to happen, just waiting for the axe to fall. I hate that there are going to be layoffs, but if they have to happen, then get it over with already! This is torture. Yet another weekend will be spent in complete anxiety.

I have two words for the wind out there tonight. In. Sane. Special weather broadcasts are calling a warning for winds in excess of 60 MPH! I would think that has to qualify for gail-force, at what point is it considered hurricane-force? 100MPH? Afraid to take Lola out there for fear that she'll just blow away.

It is a beautiful Fall day here in NYC. The rain and the fog from yesterday seem to have cleared out the air, so that by this morning it was crisp, with that slanted Autumn light I love so much. It was very windy, and I enjoyed watching the low white, blue & gray clouds moving quickly across the sky, against the vivid blue backdrop. The wind also kicking up all the leaves on the ground and stirring things around, making that rich, November rustling sound (before things turn to Winter harsh). This is the texture I've been missing during these unseasonably warm days.

Okay, so dinner wasn't so terrible. Except for the one stray comment of my father's asking wifey, "what's honeybun going to have for desert?" shudder

Okay, what is with the cleaning lady in this place?! She comes into my cubicle (without knocking, I might add -- my door was closed) reeking of her tacky perfume. She then proceeds to dust. Around me. While I'm sitting here. I know being a cleaning lady is not exactly the best job in the World, but geez, you don't have to dust if I'm sitting here! gaaaaah!

awwwwww -- a colleague here went out at lunchtime and bought a chocolate cake for me for my birthday. Isn't that nice?

Seen on my way down to grab my salad for lunch -- a man wearing a fez. Really.

So tonight is the dreaded dinner with my father and wifey. I am so not looking forward to this. Hoping to try and talk someone into going for a drink first. As Julian says, "I need a primer" (or two).

I want to know who the brainiac is at my company who decided that it was a good idea to schedule a blood drive (today) the day before they hand out flu shots (tomorrow)??? I mean, really.

On an unrelated note. My train this morning was two minutes early. Actually about seven minutes early, when you consider that it is normally about five minutes late. The volume of people waiting on the platform was significantly less than usual. Have a feeling there was an unpleasant surprise in store for some of the lollygaggers.

So what is with The Today Show? Why do they always schedule these tear-jerking segments right when I am trying to get my makeup on and leave for work? This morning it was about some guy who wanted to thank the teachers he had had in 8th grade for making him feel like he was "worth something". ARGH! Kind of hard to stick to a schedule in the morning when you're crying all over yourself. I'm such a sap.

OMG. Cher has actually written two blogs in a month. So far. I can't believe it! (And, I should say, I'm impressed -- heh.)

Went for a bit of a run tonight. Started in Forest Hills Gardens, turned onto the quieter streets so that I could run in the street rather than on the sidewalks. Through my meanderings, I ended up on Metropolitan Avenue and so I followed that back towards Kew Gardens and Forest Park. I decided to brave the park, even though it was quite dark, but I just ran up the first hill into the park, to the top, turned around to run back down and repeated a couple of times. The park was deserted and it felt rather creepy, so I was careful not to run too far in (I saw no other people at all). Hardly the ideal run, but it was better than riding the couch.

Why is it, whenever you take a class (makes no difference what the class is) there is always one know-it-all in the bunch? I was in a half-day class this morning and wanted to smack the smug, techno-geek with greasy hair in front of me. Instead, I spent the three hours rolling my eyes behind his back everytime he felt compelled to impress us with his "superior" knowledge (which was often).

Is it bad that all I want to do on the weekend is sleep?

So, I've spent most of this weekend worrying about the layoffs that are supposedly happening at my company this coming week. So far, over the past couple of years, my department has escaped the knife (so to speak), but I can't imagine that continuing indefinitely (should these layoffs continue). Friends in other departments speak with confidence that I would be safe. The opinion is usually that I have a lot of seniority and that I am one of the essential staff in my group -- how do they know? I think everyday of how I could be replaced. I don't think I would be so freaked out about the prospect of being laid off if, A) I was younger -- I'm just too old to start over, especially doing something else. And B) I didn't have debt. I would feel a lot freer to make a big change, if not for these things. Certainly, if it were to happen, I would think very hard about whether I wanted to stay in the NYC area. Julia keeps talking to me about relocating to the Boston area. And I would love it, truly I would. I've always considered myself a New England girl. Spent every Summer of my life on Cape Cod (until I was in my early 20s), I went to college in Massachusetts. I have two cousins who live in NH (v. close to the MA border), my roommate from college is in Wellsley, Julia & Joe are in Boston. I have other friends around the area. I also used to spend a lot of time in VT as my sister lived there until their big move to New Mexico a couple of years ago (they still come back every Summer for a vacation on Lake Champlain). I could have a life in New England. The big problem is finding interesting employment that would pay me a livable salary. Getting a car, finding a place I could afford to live, etc. Oh, it's just so overwhelming! Chances are I'm not being laidoff anyway, my manager is on vacation next week and I'm handling some things for him while he's gone. And I didn't get any weird vibes from him at all (and I tend to be sensitive about this stuff). Of course, on the other hand, he could maybe not even know that I am on the chopping block. He could come back to work the following week and find me gone (believe me, I have heard some stories from other depts in prior layoffs where this kind of thing happened). Anyway, see? I'm obsessing. Nothing I can do about it now anyway.

So my friend Julian happened to stop by my desk for a visit yesterday. During the course of our conversation, he asked how Lola was doing. I said, "Oh she's the same happy girl. In fact she is so happy, it almost breaks my heart. She's just so happy with so little." Julian gave me a strange look. He probably thinks I'm crazy.

This morning for breakfast I had a Jello Pudding cup (chocolate, of course) and an apple. I feel like I'm about 8 years old.

I had to give a presentation this afternoon. Doesn't matter how many of these I give, I just can't get used to it. I hate public speaking. I actually don't mind presenting an application I've been working on to the users it's written for. But this kind of presentation freaks me out. But it's over now. At least until the next time.

So, I had this nightmare about Dr. Phil the other night. I dreamt that he was living in this apartment building with his family and I happened to be walking down the stairs of the building. I knew someone who lived in the apartment complex, or I lived there somewhere (I can't remember which from my dream) but went to his particular building because I thought I might catch a glimpse of him (which is strange because I am not usually the star-struck type). Anyway, I was walking down the stairs from the floor above his apartment when he happened to be coming out of his front door. He saw me and thought I was some crazy loony stalker that had been bothering his family (knowing that I was not the person who lived on the floor above). He grabbed me and shook me and yelled and yelled at me and told me to leave his family alone. I was struck by feelings of guilt and shame (because I had been in the building for a Dr. Phil sighting after all) and upset at the unfairness of it all (I wasn't the psycho he mistook me for). It took a long time to convince him of my innocence at which time he finally, half-heartedly, apologized, but was none too thrilled with me nonetheless. I've got to stop watching so much damned TV. Sheesh.

OMG! It is soooooo hot out, I mean like mid-70s hot. Like Summer. I was over-heated just walking around Columbus Avenue tonight, if I had to run a marathon tomorrow I would be freaking out.

Dinner last night at Rancho with good friends and tonight at Pomodoro with more of the same. I love NYC Marathon weekend, it just flies by too quickly though.

Oh. Holy. Crap. Somehow my elbow has worked a hole into the sleeve of my shirt. Curses. Same thing happened to a new-ish sweater the other day. Same arm. Have my elbows all of a sudden gotten sharp??? sheesh, feel like Shanty Irish here.

Oh. My. God. There are kids all over Penn Station. I mean they are everywhere! I couldn't even get into my building. Seriously.

Greatest (non-alcoholic) beverage invention ever: Dunkin Donuts Extra-Large Coffee -- fabulous.

Managed a bit of a run tonight in the little annexed park that sits above Forest Park. Some people were there socializing while their dogs played, so I let Lola off her leash so she could join in the fun too. Kind of like an informal dog run. Was rather nice that it was dark as the park was empty of the usual kids and strollers and obnoxious teenagers and such. Except for one kid alone with her father screeching her head off (and most apartment buildings don't like to have dogs because of the noise -- sheesh). I ran a few laps around, ended up being not much in the way of exercise, but it felt good anyway. On the way home ran up this one hill and almost choked after passing man in leather pants doused in a ton of fumey cologne. UGH.

Did anyone catch ER tonight? Holy fuck. I hope I don't have nightmares now.

fuuuuuck! Just dumped an entire bottle of Diet Coke out all over my desk. Typical.

Gaaaah! everyone is running the NYC Marathon this year. I just found out that my former running partner will be running on Sunday. She used to meet me in Central Park on weekday mornings at 6 AM while I was marathon training. Wish I could have returned the favor. Got to get my ass in gear. Was going to go spinning tonight, but think will go run instead. Its a beautiful day, besides I don't have the dog walker today and should get right home to let Lola out.

Chrissy read in the Daily News this morning that H&M plans to launch a line of ("50s inspired") dog clothes and accessories in February. I told her not to mention it to Lola as she likes to spend my money.

Scary rumors flying around the company again. This time about some supposed layoffs that happened yesterday with rumors of an enormous layoff planned for the first quarter of next year. V. unsettling.