Friday, May 28, 2004

Holiday Is Gearing Up

Well, the holiday weekend has officially begun. Penn Station is currently stuffed with hordes of people, all toting suitcases and duffel bags and backpacks, on their way to their holiday getaways. My concession to the holiday weekend? I ran to KMart to buy a cooler so that I can sit in the backyard of my apartment building and drink beer. Par-tay!

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Sometimes I Am Such A Girl

Needed a little pickmeup, so I ran out to Sephora at lunch and bought me some lip gloss. I feel much better now.
Why are the days leading up to a long, holiday weekend always so. agonizingly. slow? It's only one extra day off, but, sheesh! You'd think I was planning a month-long vacation to some exotic locale or something. (And, no, I am not going anywhere. I'll be spending the weekend mostly loafing and trying to convince myself to go for a run or to the gym)


It totally didn't occur to me until this morning that today is my brother's birthday. Oh well, it's not like the rat bastid ever remembers mine either (or Christmas either, for that matter).

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Chrissy was asking me today about, I've been wanting to blog about my first experience with it, but I haven't had the energy, but then I had the bright idea that I could just copy in our IM conversation about it and save myself the trouble of having to rewrite it all. So here it is:

c(hrissy): hey any interesting hits on
ds(me): I've had a lot of "winks" sent and a bunch of emails
ds: it's a little overwhelming
ds: so weird to be emailing back and forth to someone you don't know at all
c: anyone sound interesting?
ds: a couple
ds: maybe
c: well I guess that's how you can get to know them a little
c: before meeting them
ds: yeah
ds: it's just weird
c: i can imagine
ds: like, what are you supposed to say?
c: i would have no idea
c: what do they say?
c: what have they said I should ask
ds: like, one guy, seems nice enough, sends me an email and says "would you like to get to know each other via email for awhile?"
ds: okay fine
ds: I say "sure"
ds: but he doesn't really ask me anything in the email
ds: so does that mean that the onus is on me to ask all the questions?
ds: or what?
ds: lol
c: lol
ds: and who has the time to sit there and think of this shit
c: i hear ya
ds: well, I could come up with the time, I guess
ds: it's just sort of weird
ds: oh and there was this other guy
ds: I'm thinking of blogging about this
c: what's his story?
ds: I just haven't felt like sitting down and writing the blog
ds: so, I go online the other night
ds: and I go to
ds: match has this little instant msg application that you can use
c: right I saw that when I waslooking at the site
ds: and the default is that it invokes automatically whenever you go to the site
ds: so I hadn't changed that yet
ds: so anyway, some guy instant messages me
ds: no biggie, so I talk to him for a few minutes
ds: he seems interesting enough
ds: has an intersting job, etc.
ds: but then he asks for my "sign"
ds: okay (freak)
c: oh god no
ds: and then he starts going on and on about having found his "darma"
ds: and about the universe
c: oh, ok see ya buddy
c: nice chatting with you
ds: and "oh god when will true love enter my life"
c: ok freak
ds: and I'm already thinking, alright, I've got to get out of this...
ds: when all of a sudden the instant messenger crashes
ds: as does my IE session
ds: so I feel bad b/c I didn't say goodbye, but I hadn't saved his screenname
ds: so I have to bring everything back on and find the website again
ds: and I'm searching through all these profiles trying to find him again (I can't remember his screenname or what town he lived in or anything)
ds: finally (after probably 15 mins or so) I do
ds: and I send an apology via instant msg
ds: you know, "sorry everything crashed, etc."
c: right
ds: well, as I'm doing this I check my email and I have an email msg from him
ds: that says...
ds: wait, I'll cut & Paste it in, I still have it
c: ok please do
ds: "please do"
ds: lololol
c: I can only guess what he wrote
c: lol
ds: the subject line is: "Hi we were chatting"
ds: and this was his email:
ds: "Hi

We were chatting online. I just wanted to point out the reason we have so many relationship problems in this country is because we are not very honerable people. I deal with lots of people overseas and they would never leave a conversation blank like that. they would at least say I must go and thank You. people in this country have little manners.let alone value good will. I just bought a piece of equipment from a person in tawain, he sent it to me and waited until I recieved it , then he said wire me the money. Thats what i call dignity......... I am not insulted, I am very use to this.
Good luck

ds: I was so pissed
c: i knew it was going to be something like that
c: idiot
c: did you respond? did he respond to your IM
ds: I wrote back something to the effect of, I'm sorry, but it was not my fault, my system crashed, and I had to search to find your profile again. I suggest you give someone the benefit of the doubt and not jump to conclusions in the future
c: of course he jumped the gun and assumed you didnt want to speak to him
ds: right
ds: but I was really pissed
c: probably because he is a freak and it happens all the time as he stated
ds: esp as I spent a lot of time trying to find him again
c: right
ds: when I wasn't even interested
ds: just as a courtesy
ds: b/c I felt bad
c: right
c: and was just being nice
ds: he was sorry after he had read what happened
c: oh, ok
ds: he wrote this email in reply: "Hi Debbie

You are right. I am just a little burned......sorry did not mean it so brash. Would U like to chat on the phone?


ds: and also an IM
ds: but I basically was like, "well, I have to go now, it's been nice talking with you"
ds: later dude
ds: freak
ds: lolol
ds: so that's been my experience on so far
ds: like, I said I was going to blog about that, I just haven't had the energy
ds: I might still do it
c: you should
c: funny


So, last night I returned to running after a brief hiatus to rest my sore shin and my knotted calves, and it was a relief to be back out there, let me tell you. Taking a few days off starts to worry me, like I'm never really going to run again. I start to doubt myself and think that a running future might not be in the cards for me. So it is a great feeling to be able to hit the roads again and run relatively pain-free (still have some soreness and some aches & pains, but nothing to really be concerned with at this point). The run itself went okay. Not great, not horrible. But that's fine, knowing that I'm still in the running is what matters at this point. I wish running was not such an injury-prone activity. I feel like I always ride the cusp between functional and injured. I wish I could just get out there and keep plugging away (the way you can, say, on a stairmaster or something) without the fear of injury. My fitness level is enough of a hindrance, the threat of injury just makes everything so much more dicey and frustrating. On the other hand, perhaps this is also what contributes to making running such a satisfying and thrilling sport and activity. To manage to overcome all your limitations and be able to competently string together a significant number of miles is the greatest feeling.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Is it just me, or has Blogger been really screwed up this week? Everytime I try to view my own blog, I get that the website is not found. Annoying.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Guilty Secret

Now I know that there are going to be some of you out there that will get a big laugh out of this, but I'm going to go ahead and announce it anyway... I just joined In a moment of weakness last week I filled out a free profile and then I added a couple of pictures and then this morning, I just officially subscribed. I don't even know why. I don't think I really want to go back into the dating scene, my experience has always been filled with heartache and disappointment, and the internet dating thing adds a whole other level of rejection to the mix (trust me, I know, I've tried it before -- not through Match, but through Yahoo and AOL) and I just don't know if I have a thick enough skin for this. On the other hand, I'm not really doing a whole hell of a lot else with my free time, so it might be worth a shot. Maybe. If nothing else, as I told Chrissy last week, it might make for good blog fodder. I'll keep you posted...

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Rant of the Day: Damn US Postal Service Bastards. Idiots had a package to deliver to me today and rather than buzzing me or knocking on my door, they put a notice in my box that it's waiting for me at the Post Office instead. Of course the Post Office only has hours from 8:30-5:00 during the week so now the only time I'll be able to pick the damn thing up is next freaking Saturday. What makes me the most mad is the fact that I WAS HOME when they were here! Lazy bastards probably didn't even bother to bring the package with them over from the Post Office. And the other thing is, the delivery is just dog biscuits from Petco. I think they could even have risked leaving it by my door had I not been home. I hate the USPS. Morons.

and one other thing...

I can't believe that Cher has never had a pedicure before today. unreal.
out for drinks out side at Austin's Ale House. And then Wendy dragged Michelle and me to another bar for a drink and then Carolina & Janos's for a movie and more booze. Oof. Too much...

Friday, May 21, 2004

Walking in NYC (at least in this neighborhood) is not good cross-training for running. I find that I spend so much time dodging smokers, that it becomes a Slalom course, I speed up to jump around one smoker I'm behind, only to find myself behind yet another one. Within a few moments I'm running up the block to get away from them all. So, walking in NYC is not good cross-training for running. It's more like speed-work. Sheesh.
Things that Annoy Me: People who drain the last drop out of the water cooler and then don't replace the damn bottle. I just stood behind a girl who did this. She knew I was waiting for water. She used the last drop and then walked away with no apology. What is wrong with people???
I know that this is totally a cliche and that I say it practically every week, but... I'm so glad it's Friday!

Thursday, May 20, 2004

For those who were sitting on the edge of their seat wondering... yes, I did make it to spinning class tonight. So there.
must go spinning tonight. Must go SPINNING tonight. MUST GO SPINNING TONIGHT!

gotta keep telling myself this. I'm tired and unmotivated and uninspired.
There was a job opportunity that was sent in an email today to various technical people in my company (myself included) for a job working as a technical support person in our Melbourne Australia office. Too bad it was supporting a product in which I have little experience -- I would have applied in a heartbeat. Got nothing holding me here!
My legs are tied up in knots. Particularly my left calf and the inside of my right shin (very sore). I tried to run last night and I couldn't, it was just too painful. I'm especially worried about the pain on the inside of my right shin, worried that it will turn into a real injury. ARGH! So frustrating! Just when I thought I was finally going to get some consistency to my running. I think I need to take a couple of days off from running, that is, unless someone thinks otherwise. Tonight at least I'll go spinning. Sometimes spinning helps counteract soreness related to running (although this feels a bit beyond garden-variety soreness). I'm having a bad week.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

I've been feeling really fragile for the past couple of days. Easily upset and rather blue and I've been trying to pin-point why. I think a big part of it is my continued dissatisfaction with my working and my living circumstances. I want to change my career path, but I have no clue how to do so or where to start or even what I really want to do (I just know that it's not this). I want to live somewhere where there is a better quality of life for your money too. I love NYC, I really do. But for me to live happily in NYC, I have to live near Central Park (preferably on the Upper West Side) and that takes a lot of money, which brings me back to the stress of being stuck in some corporate job I don't love (if I could even get said corporate job that would pay the right living to live near Central Park, which is extremely doubtful). Additionally, I've been on a bit of a life-style makeover for a while now. People who have been reading my Workout Log know that I am in week 13 of consistently working out and running. And, although this working out business has made me happier than I was before I started, I'm very frustrated that I haven't seen better results. I'm in a little bit better shape, yes. I can run longer and further than I could 13 weeks ago (although, to me, it stills seems a pathetic distance), but I haven't physically changed all that much. Some of my clothes are a little looser on me or are baggy, but I haven't dropped even a true size, I don't think. 13 weeks, that's over 3 months of this. It's all just so demoralizing. I'm not going to stop, it's too important to be fit and to lead an active life, and it does make me feel better, in general. But it is all so disappointing at the same time. I guess it's time to do a re-evaluation of my program. At least I know what to do (for the most part) for the running-workout side of my life, it's the rest of it that has me completely stymied.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

I'm in such a bad mood today. Just foul. I think it all started with not getting in my long run over the weekend, I feel like such a failure. Dealing with terrible feminine issues (sorry to any guys out there) never makes me very jolly, and then coming to work knowing that the project that I'm currently working on SUCKS and is going no where fast just topped everything off. Oh and the fact that my apartment could probably qualify for a disaster area right now isn't helping matters much. ARGH! Hopefully things will be better tomorrow.

Friday, May 14, 2004

Fridays lately for me are so damn, dull. By Friday I am so sick of the work week, bored beyond belief with whatever I'm working on and so tired of sitting in the same spot, in the same position for hours & hours at a time. Fridays used to be exciting, they used to be about whatever adventure I was going to have that night. Now they are about white-knuckling it until the end of the work week, when I can finally take that Friday evening train home and relax. I ran downstairs a little earlier to grab a soda and happened to walk past a group of people standing around outside who looked like they were gearing up for the weekend (or the night ahead) spirits were high and you could just read the optimism for fun and high jinxs in their voices. I couldn't help but feel... envious. This used to be me on a Friday afternoon. I all of a sudden felt so very old. On the other hand, the last thing I'm really in the mood for tonight is a night of bar hopping until the wee hours. Maybe it's my job that's making me feel this way. Or maybe I'm just tired. Either way, I am so done with the week already! ARGH!
Boy, I have never been happier to have shun my catholic upbringing than after reading this:

The New York Times
May 14, 2004
Bishop: No Communion for Pro - Choice Voters

Filed at 9:08 a.m. ET

DENVER (AP) -- Catholics who vote for politicians in favor of abortion rights, stem-cell research, euthanasia or gay marriage may not receive Communion until they recant and repent in the confessional, the Roman Catholic Bishop of Colorado Springs said.

Bishop Michael Sheridan's pronouncement was the strongest yet from a U.S. bishop in the debate over how faith should influence Catholics in this election year.

The discussion of withholding Holy Communion had previously been limited to politicians themselves.

Full article can be read here (registration required).

Thursday, May 13, 2004

I'm just sitting here, basking in the afterglow of a pretty good run. Ahhhh, I've missed this feeling...
I was just in the pantry at work and after helping myself to water, I noticed that the water bottle was empty. No biggie, I grabbed another one off the shelf and prepared to replace it when Accounting Woman who happened to also be standing in the room looked at me with horror and said,

AW: "Are you going to be able to lift that yourself???" Uh, yeah.
Me: "Of course."
AW: "I could never lift that."
Me: "Of course you could." (I mean, it's no more than 20 lbs)
AW: "Oh, I couldn't."
Me: "You could. Unless you have a back problem or something."

I hate helpless people.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Presentation over. I suck.
ARGH! I have a presentation to give this afternoon. I hate giving presentations. First of all, I'm terrible at it, it is not something that comes at all naturally to me. But additionally, why am I always scheduled for these things for the end of the day when I'm brain-dead, my audience is even more brain-dead and anxious to get the hell out of their meeting and I've had this thing hanging over my head all. damn. day. ARGH!
I'm very tempted to try one of the new and jazzy Blogger templates now available, but I am afraid I'll lose all my links, etc. from the sidebar. I see that Blogger also now supports and provides comments. I wonder if it's worth my while to switch to the blogger comments or continue on as I have been. I've been pretty happy generally with Haloscan. The comments seem to generally always be available (not like the provider I used before this).
Rant of the Day:

People who don't clean up after their dogs. This is one of the things that drives me absolutely insane! There is so much dog poop in my neighborhood that I am almost embarrassed to own a dog. This morning I was walking Lola and I saw this woman just around the corner of my building's property from where I was standing with these two revolting chihuahua-style dogs. I see one of them hunched over in the pooping position for a couple of minutes and then the woman goes to walk away. I call out to her, "excuse me! Did your dog just poop???" She responds, "Just peed". Well, yeah right. I make my way over there and, sure enough, there is a fresh chihuahua-sized poop exactly where her dog had been hunched just a minute or two before. She fucking lied to me! And of course this woman was long gone by then. Probably booked right out of there as fast as she could. Bitch. Just wait until I see her walking her nasty-ass dogs around the area again. Makes me so mad, I could just spit. ARGH!

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Went to bed early last night and so it sure does feel good to be truly well-rested for a change. (what a concept) Even if my asshole upstairs neighbors did wake me up bolt upright from a sound sleep by dropping something heavy suddenly on their bare wooden floor, ARGH! Luckily, I was able to fall right back to sleep and so am not too bitter about it today.

Monday, May 10, 2004

I have to laugh at how impassioned people can be about the weather, myself included. Earlier, a colleague and I were discussing the sudden heat & humidity with disgust. Both of us almost affronted by this turn of events. Like we've somehow been done wrong by some weather entity or something.

Sunday, May 09, 2004

I don't think I like the new Blogger interface. Ick.

So, today was Mother's Day and having lost my own mother a couple of years ago, people might expect me to to be a bit weepy or sad, but I don't think I was, too much. Maybe a little sad, but nothing major. I celebrated by going out for a late run, something my mother would have been really, really thrilled to know that I'm doing again. She was very proud of my running you see, coming from a generation of women that did not value physical activity, who actually believed that women shouldn't be too muscular, or too athletic, etc. I've heard of some of my running peer's mothers actually frown on their daughters' running, actually thinking that they could damage themselves somehow, or that they are somehow less feminine for wanting to run. Not my mother. I think she was amazed that both my sister and I grew up to be as physically active as we are (my sister is more so than I am). Ironically, it's my brother who turned out to be the least physically active of the three of us. I think watching us be the athletic adults we became opened up a world to my mother that she never dreamed existed, or could exist, when she grew up (in the 30s & 40s -- she came into adulthood in the 50s), and I believe this inspired her and made her proud of us in a way that I can only try to imagine. I know some of her first questions to me whenever I called her was whether I had run that day, and if so, how far, and, if not, why not. So Mom, this run was for you, Happy Mother's Day, I love you -- wherever you are.

Friday, May 07, 2004

Well, the Friends finale was as uninspired as I expected it to be. In fact, it kind of pissed me off. Why, why, why did they have to have Rachel give up her dream job in Paris, just because Ross decided all of a sudden that he wanted her? The fact that they were going to end up together at the end of the show was a given, however, I think it would have been far more interesting to have Ross follow her to Paris, move to Paris because of his depth of feelings and because this job was important to her. So, I came away from the experience irritated. But perhaps that's just me.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

Am I the only one in the universe who is completely underwhelmed by the Friends series finale tonight? I've enjoyed the show off and on over the years, but is this event really worth all the hoopla? Actually, more than the show specifically, I mourn the loss of yet another time slot to probably yet another reality show. Granted, I've been known to watch them from time to time, but even so, most are total crap. Except for The Apprentice, of course.
Too much caffeine. Argh! I knew that second cup of coffee this morning was a mistake. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Bizarro World.

Evil co-worker was just extremely and surprisingly nice to me in the pantry. Actually had a full conversation with her. I wonder if she's been drinking...

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

I'm very excited. I've just noticed that I've started to get a little muscle definition on my legs, on the outside of my thighs. Runners will know this, you know when you get that little hollow between the two big muscles on the outside of your leg? I remember when I noticed this the first time I started running, well, I'm as excited about it now, as I was about it then. heh.
Went to the Doctor this morning, she seemed to think it was some kind of allergic reaction to something. I have to pick up some kind of topical steroid from the pharmacy downstairs. Hopefully that will take care of my creeping crud. In the meantime, here I sit at work in front of my computer with my sunglasses on.

Monday, May 03, 2004

Swollen Shut.

I wrote in my Workout Log (link also on sidebar) that I felt that I got a bit sunburned at the race on Saturday. Well, yesterday my eye lids and the skin around my eyes and the top part of my checks were a little itchy and slightly swollen. Well, this morning I woke up to find that my eyes were all but completely swollen shut! Think: the final scene in Rocky. It's is very uncomfortable, not to mention startling to look at (I can see a little better out of my right eye, than my left). Did the sun cause this??? I'm not red with sunburn or anything. I broke my sports sunglasses over the Summer last year, and so I didn't wear a pair while running on Saturday, but I've run plenty of races and regular runs in the heat and sun without sunglasses before. This is truly bizarre. I called in sick to work, can't go out in public like this, I even wore big sunglasses to take Lola out, even though it is raining and storming outside. Does anyone have any ideas of what I should do? Right now I'm icing the area. Strangest running injury I've ever had.

Saturday, May 01, 2004

So, today I ran the Revlon Run/Walk for Women's Cancers and it was rather insane. Hordes of people. Literally 10s of thousands of them, most planning to walk the thing. I got there early because I didn't want to have to rush and I wanted to try and enjoy the event a bit, so I thought I would watch some of the pre-race entertainment. That turned out to be rather fun as well as inspiring, but at about 5 to 9 (race started at 9:15) I decided I had better start making my way towards the Start Line, as I was still about 6 or more blocks away and I knew that most of this pack would be walking (evidenced by the plethora of big backpacks, jeans, small children, etc.). As I wormed my way along, I was dismayed to see stroller after stroller packed into the crowd of race participants, many of them double and even triple strollers -- ACK! There were also a surprising number of dogs, which I think personally is a mistake in such a crowd. I know Lola (normally an incredibly social dog) would have been traumatized by 10s of thousands of people packed in together like sardines. Anyway, I managed to get to about maybe 2 or 3 blocks from the Start Line before I could really no longer move forward. Once the race finally started, it was the slowest shuffle imaginable to that start line, where I finally started to run, very slowly and dodging great clusters of walkers everywhere. It was very frustrating as the runners here were definitely in the minority. Dodging groups of walkers, innumerable strollers, people walking with small children, ARGH! It was truly an obstacle course. Surprisingly, I was really able to maintain a slow running pace, with lots of zig-zagging back and forth across 7th avenue, a few places where I had to come to a complete stop for a breath of a heartbeat and then a duck around whatever obstacle had stopped me, a few jumps up onto the sidewalk, a dodge along the curb to ditch yet another walking group and soon we were in the Park. On the bottom part of the Park I jumped off the Park Drive and onto a worn path through the grass next to the drive that the runners had adopted, it was here that a tree root grabbed my ankle and I tripped spectacularly, almost went down, but managed to recover and keep going. Wound around West and up the hill towards Tavern on the Green (across the NYCM finish line) and finally I allowed myself a walkbreak, about 12 minutes of running in and to the first mile. Yes, a 12/min mile, just shoot me now. After a minute of walking, it was off to run again and straight up hill along the West Drive. I was determined to run for a 10 minute interval because that is what we are now doing in class, yet it was up hill. Up, up, up, ARGH! Did I mention it was hot? It was so hot. And humid! Gah! Managed to make my 10 minute interval. Barely, but I did it. Of course, once I made it, I had reached a lovely down hill. Sucks ASS! After this effort, I just had to walk for a bit. Had a bad side stitch and was slightly content that I had at least done my running class homework, I figured that anything was gravy at this point. Unfortunately, the timing of my walk break put me near these two girls that were having the most inane conversation, I kept trying to walk faster to get away from them, but I just couldn't seem to walk fast enough, my side stitch was killing me and not allowing me to run again, so I had to endure it (I kept thinking, 'gah! I've got to get away from them, they're making me crazy' -- LOL). Anyway, eventually I was able to run again and managed decent intervals from here on in. The one walk break had lasted a long time, maybe 4 or 5 minutes, but subsequent walk breaks were relatively short and the running intervals were longer than I thought I would be able to do at this stage. Finally wound through the 102nd Street Traverse and out to the East Drive and finished very shortly after that turn. Was I ever glad to stop running.

After the race, the race officials had everyone walking along the East Drive for another 1/4 - 1/2 mile to the East Meadow where the everyone was directed to pick up their goody bags and t-shirts. After this I meandered West again, strolled along the footpaths past the tennis courts and way over West to where my friend Stephen was having a birthday party for his son (I had said I would stop by if I could). The hordes of walkers where still packed on the West Drive here and so it was a little complicated crossing over, but I managed and found the playground where the birthday party was happening. Stayed and chatted for a few minutes and had some coffee but then had to move on as I was scheduled to meet Ellen and Ken. Walked South on the footpaths alongside the Park Drive where the event participants were still moving forward. Passed the 2 mile mark (I was going in reverse) and the race clock here read 1:15. An hour and fifteen minutes and there were still thousands of people coming. I just wonder how long these people had to stand in Times Square before they were able to move forward at all. Nobody appeared to be moving very quickly, but an hour and fifteen minutes is a long time for anyone to cover 2 miles. Anyway, I finally, eventually, put the event behind me and made it down to the West 72nd Street entrance to Central Park where I met Ellen & Ken. We then moved on to the City Grill for a nice lunch and a couple of beers.

During the event I really cursed myself. I told myself I could have slept until a reasonable hour and still gotten out and gotten my requisite run in. But now, looking back, I remember feeling awake and alive waiting for the train so early, early this morning. I had forgotten how good it can feel to be up and out and on the way to a race on a Saturday. And that feeling of relief and pride once the race is done (no matter how poorly you've done) can't be beat either. Lastly, running in any event, whether it be a race or a charity event such as today, really pushes you past what you are ordinarily willing to put yourself through on a regular training run, so there is value to that. So, all in all, a positive experience. My slowness is just depressing beyond words. I think my slowness bothers me more at the moment than my inability to run much mileage. I just have to forget about speed for a little while. As I get back to running, some of my old pace (not that it was blazing, even way back when) will come back. Hopefully I will also lose some weight, which will also help. Once I can comfortably run a certain amount and can do so consistently, I can worry more about speed, now is not the time and I have to keep reminding myself that.