I Suck

So, I ran a 4-mile race today. In the chilly, but sunny NYC morning. Got up at some ungodly hour, rode the LIRR in. Walked up the Herald Square, took the N train to 59th, switched for the 6 train and took that to 86th and from there, walked to 89th to the NY Road Runner's Clubhouse and picked up my chip and number and t-shirt and then I walked (the equivalent of) 13 more blocks north to the race start. I was early, of course. Milled around for almost an hour to try and keep warm and then it was shuffle to line up amoungst the hordes joustling for a spot. Found Harriet a couple of moments before the race too. I always find Harriet. Anyway, and then we start. I initially left Harriet behind me and things went well for, oh, about the first mile. Managed to pretty much keep going. Managed the hills alright. Had my new MP3 player on and so the music managed to inspire me a bit. At some point around here, Ken and our friend, Ron, who is visiting NYC for the weekend, caught up and ran with and around me for a a little while until they pulled away. After the hills on the West side drive, the side stitches started. Ellen passed me somewhere in the downhill before our turn East. Somewhere in the 72nd Street Transverse, Harriet passed me. I managed to stay semi-close to her for a little bit, but then she too was gone, gone, gone. I walked, I ran, I tried to pace myself behind people. But all along I was just thinking, I suck, I suck, I suck. As bad as my running was this Summer and in the early Fall, I've actually gotten worse, which is (really) no wonder given my sloth-like behavior lately. It sure was depressing. Demoralizing. It was a relief to finally finish that damn race. No euphoria for me, just self-loathing and relief.

I need to turn this trend around. I'm horribly out of shape. Fat. Not only do I feel icky, can't run or do the other things I want to be able to do, but emotionally, I don't want to do many things now. My sister wants me to come out to Taos in January to ski when my father comes out and a big part of the reason why I really don't want to (in addition to the fact that it would cost a fortune) is that I'm just. Too. Damn. Fat. It's humiliating. I have no ski clothes that currently fit, not even my ski jacket! I would have to rent equipment where you have to rattle off your weight for all to note, I just can't do it.

I. Suck.

I guess I know what my biggest New Year Resolution is, sheesh!