Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Worry, Worry, Worry

I've been feeling a little, I don't know ... lost over the past week or two. I think most of it is stemming from worry. Mostly worry about work. I am worried about continuing to have a job. I worry about the stuff I'm working on, I worry about the stuff I may end up working on. I worry about what I don't know, or whether I am learning enough, or quick enough. I worry about the stuff I haven't learned yet or the stuff I can maybe learn, but perhaps need assistance with at first (and how to ask, or who to ask). I worry about the stuff other people are given to do. I worry about being out of the loop. I worry about being so much in the loop that I can't devote enough time or attention to any, one thing. I worry about what team members think about me, I worry about what customers think about me. Worry, worry, worry, worry. I worry so much and so constantly that my heart literally pounds and my breath comes so fast that I actually pant. I'm basically a bit of a wreck right now. It's a shame because I had such a nice period where I actually felt comfortable and content at work. I guess my anxiety took a bit of a holiday, but it's back in full-swing now.

(I hate to admit it, but I even worry that I haven't written a blog post in a while, or what I'm going to write about, or how to write it, or whatever. I am such a freak!)

I think this is partially the result of the current climate (both economically and the changes that have been going on at my company) and partially it is just my nature and my continued feelings of insecurity and my lack of self-esteem. I do know that if I could push myself to exercise more, that would help balance my emotions. If I could sleep a little better, that would help too. I have always craved for a feeling of financial/employment security and I have never, ever really felt it, no matter what job I had at the time. I'm not sure if this is just my general emotional make-up or if it's also a little bit of mild PTSS from a period of time growing up when my father was unemployed. Perhaps the feelings of worry from my parents during that time of my life leaked into my psyche and made more of a lasting impression than I realized. Whatever the cause, I need to think of healthy ways to deal with this continued anxiety.

I miss my horse very much, and I know that when I'm riding, I truly do not think about anything else at all. However, it's also hard to motivate myself to ride during the Winter and she is also doing so wonderfully down in Aiken (she got THIRD in her division at the Sporting Days HT on Sunday!) that I don't at all regret sending her down there. She is going to come back a much better horse than she left, I know that. I am also looking forward to having her for my week in Aiken at the end of March. That will hopefully be an entire week where I won't think or worry about work (or not much anyway).

Taking Tig to his new obedience class is helping a bit too. He and I are both enjoying the class and I make sure that I spend at least a little bit of time each day on our "homework". It's great to have some productive time that has absolutely nothing to do with work, and that also has nothing to do with my weight or my fitness level, another source of worry & anxiety, let me tell you.

When I exercise I actually think about work quite a bit. But I think about it with more perspective, or more reasonable perspective anyway. I have found that it really can help me balance my emotions and my worries. I can puzzle out problems and I feel better about the things that I can't control. So, I think that has to be my goal going forward. Do something (anything!) for exercise everyday. Even if it's just taking a dog for a 15 minute walk. SHEESH. What a mess I am.

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