Low & Blue
I've been feeling particularly low lately, and I'm not really sure how to get out of my funk. Part of this might be a result of the changes at work, but I don't think my mood can so easily be explained away. The politics and attitudes that surround the atmosphere in my department are demoralizing, to be sure. However, I am in the midst of a busy, interesting project and feel like I've gotten a lot done, that my work on all accounts has been appreciated by the users involved and I have plenty of this work still on my plate, so I know that this productive streak can continue for a while yet. I do feel a slight anxiety that I should be also involved in other projects looming in the department, but I can only do so much at a time and must force myself to relax a bit (the politics are making me tense, I guess). But anyway, I think my blue mood extends beyond work. I just feel like I've got nothing really to look forward to these days. I come home and yes, I can take a walk in the park with the dog (although even that has been hard with the added hours I've been working), but that's all that I have going on. I feel like most of my friends have moved on in their lives, people moving, having babies, otherwise growing and living life and that I'm just stuck in the same old rut I've been in for years and years and years. Most of my local friends now have kids and good for them. But it's hard being a childfree person amidst all the family stuff -- I start to feel like a second-class citizen. My friends also know that I really am not all that interested in kids, so it is easy for me to be excluded from the few social things that do come up. I like the kids and like hearing about the kids, as long as that is not your only topic of conversation (and in the case of my friends, all certainly can and will talk on a myriad of subjects, so no one has really descended into that child-centric moronic sensibility that you see over-take so many parents these days). I guess it's situational, I'm not really all that into going to a child's birthday party, and they're not really all that into finding a babysitter and going out for drinks or for dinner or brunch, etc. In addition to this, Queens depresses me, I walk around outside and there is just so much garbage everywhere. There is a Chinese restaurant on the corner across the street from my apartment and punk kids stand there at all hours of the day and night yelling and cursing. I hate not having a car here, I feel like I am trapped by miles of urban mediocrity with no method to escape. This morning I was on a train coming to work, I was with my neighbor Jerry, and we wanted to sit down in a couple of seats where a woman was resting her feet. On the seat. So we both make a comment about how rude it is to put her feet on the seat when someone is going to have to sit in her filth. Well, she starts going at me (I don't know why she set her sights on me alone) and starts calling me "passive aggressive" etc. And I say, "Well, I'm sorry but it is rude to put your feet on the seat like that -- you've walked around stepped in dog crap and whatever and now someone has to sit in that" She goes off on me and screeching about how she has not stepped in dog crap, etc. (aside: I'm sorry, but I own a dog and even the most conscientious dog owner cleaning up after their dog can't get every bit of it off the street, there is still going to be some residue left behind) -- and besides dog crap, the streets are filthy, I don't care where you live. Even if you've driven yourself in your nice, clean car through your nice, clean suburb, you still have to park that car and walk through a parking lot where there is sure to be all kinds of oil, etc. on the ground. And I'm sorry you're obviously commuting into NYC, I mean, hello? Do you honestly think the streets of NYC are clean? And if you commute with any regularity, your shoes are dirty. Period. Anyway, she starts screeching, "SHUT UP!!!! JUST SHUT UP!!!" Every time I even try to open my mouth to defend my position, "SHUT UP!!!" yet again. Maybe I shouldn't have opened my mouth, but I just find this sort of thing so ultimately inconsiderate and a good illustration of how people are around here (maybe it's like this everywhere, I don't know). It just all made me even more depressed about my life, I just seem to see a neverending stream of examples of this kind of soul-lessness. Maybe it's just me, I don't know, but it really set a cap on my already low mood. I sat down at my desk when I finally got in and just wanted to put my head down and cry.