I Just Don't Get It

I'll just never understand the sort of person who gets on a crowded, standing-room-only, commuter train with 1 minute to spare, carrying a huge, dripping ice cream cone. I mean, I won't even bring a coffee on the train with me if I think it's going to be crowded. People are weird.

Going to be a BAD Day

ARGH! It's Bring-Your-Freaking-Spawn-from-Hell-to-Work-so-that-They-can-Annoy-Anyone-Actually-Trying-to-Accomplish-Some-Blasted-Productive-Work-Day -- I have a headache already.

Things that Annoy Me

The (freaking) Giggler (aka: "Stinky Lunch Girl") on the other side of my cubicle wall yapping away on the phone and giggling incessantly. When does she freaking work? ARGH!

Sundry

My friend Lares was in town for the weekend and so I joined him for some drinks after work on Friday. He moved way upstate over a year ago and is enjoying his life up there. It was nice to do a Happy Hour for a change, even if it was just in some Penn Station bar.

Walking Lola down the street on Sunday -- a bunch of people walking with strollers and small children ahead of us. One woman keeps looking anxiously over her shoulder at Lola and me, finally stops and stands way over to the side and lets us pass, all while eyeing Lola suspiciously. As we pass I say, "she's not going to hurt ya." Sheesh.

Going for a long walk with the dog tonight, I walk down this footpath down the backside of the small park, on the way to the big park. I see a woman with two dachshunds rooting around in the ground, once hunched in a suspicious "humped" position. Woman sees me noticing, so she tugs the dog and plays innocent, like I didn't almost catch her allowing her dog to poop in a place where she was obviously not going to pick up after it. It crossed my mind to say something, but then decided that one confrontation with a stranger a day is enough. I've met my quota for the day.

Nightmare Neighbors above me finally moved out and the new guy moved in last Tuesday. So far the new guy appears to be unbelievably quiet. So much so that I can't believe my luck and have been holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe the mondo-stereo-unit-with-sub-woofer is on back-order.

Low & Blue

I've been feeling particularly low lately, and I'm not really sure how to get out of my funk. Part of this might be a result of the changes at work, but I don't think my mood can so easily be explained away. The politics and attitudes that surround the atmosphere in my department are demoralizing, to be sure. However, I am in the midst of a busy, interesting project and feel like I've gotten a lot done, that my work on all accounts has been appreciated by the users involved and I have plenty of this work still on my plate, so I know that this productive streak can continue for a while yet. I do feel a slight anxiety that I should be also involved in other projects looming in the department, but I can only do so much at a time and must force myself to relax a bit (the politics are making me tense, I guess). But anyway, I think my blue mood extends beyond work. I just feel like I've got nothing really to look forward to these days. I come home and yes, I can take a walk in the park with the dog (although even that has been hard with the added hours I've been working), but that's all that I have going on. I feel like most of my friends have moved on in their lives, people moving, having babies, otherwise growing and living life and that I'm just stuck in the same old rut I've been in for years and years and years. Most of my local friends now have kids and good for them. But it's hard being a childfree person amidst all the family stuff -- I start to feel like a second-class citizen. My friends also know that I really am not all that interested in kids, so it is easy for me to be excluded from the few social things that do come up. I like the kids and like hearing about the kids, as long as that is not your only topic of conversation (and in the case of my friends, all certainly can and will talk on a myriad of subjects, so no one has really descended into that child-centric moronic sensibility that you see over-take so many parents these days). I guess it's situational, I'm not really all that into going to a child's birthday party, and they're not really all that into finding a babysitter and going out for drinks or for dinner or brunch, etc. In addition to this, Queens depresses me, I walk around outside and there is just so much garbage everywhere. There is a Chinese restaurant on the corner across the street from my apartment and punk kids stand there at all hours of the day and night yelling and cursing. I hate not having a car here, I feel like I am trapped by miles of urban mediocrity with no method to escape. This morning I was on a train coming to work, I was with my neighbor Jerry, and we wanted to sit down in a couple of seats where a woman was resting her feet. On the seat. So we both make a comment about how rude it is to put her feet on the seat when someone is going to have to sit in her filth. Well, she starts going at me (I don't know why she set her sights on me alone) and starts calling me "passive aggressive" etc. And I say, "Well, I'm sorry but it is rude to put your feet on the seat like that -- you've walked around stepped in dog crap and whatever and now someone has to sit in that" She goes off on me and screeching about how she has not stepped in dog crap, etc. (aside: I'm sorry, but I own a dog and even the most conscientious dog owner cleaning up after their dog can't get every bit of it off the street, there is still going to be some residue left behind) -- and besides dog crap, the streets are filthy, I don't care where you live. Even if you've driven yourself in your nice, clean car through your nice, clean suburb, you still have to park that car and walk through a parking lot where there is sure to be all kinds of oil, etc. on the ground. And I'm sorry you're obviously commuting into NYC, I mean, hello? Do you honestly think the streets of NYC are clean? And if you commute with any regularity, your shoes are dirty. Period. Anyway, she starts screeching, "SHUT UP!!!! JUST SHUT UP!!!" Every time I even try to open my mouth to defend my position, "SHUT UP!!!" yet again. Maybe I shouldn't have opened my mouth, but I just find this sort of thing so ultimately inconsiderate and a good illustration of how people are around here (maybe it's like this everywhere, I don't know). It just all made me even more depressed about my life, I just seem to see a neverending stream of examples of this kind of soul-lessness. Maybe it's just me, I don't know, but it really set a cap on my already low mood. I sat down at my desk when I finally got in and just wanted to put my head down and cry.

Why Is It?

Why is it, every year the first time I wear sandals I get blisters? Doesn't matter how old the damn shoes are either. Sheesh!

The Pros and Cons of Working Out in the Morning

Cons

* I hate getting up early in the morning (who doesn't?)
* It takes me longer to wake up and warm up.
* I have to seriously watch the clock during the workout.
* I may have to cut the work-out short if I run out of time.
* It takes forever to cool down.
* I can't just relax after the exertion, but must then rush around and prepare for work.
* My fingers swelling so much that I can't even put my rings on.
* I'm still sweating even after my shower.
* I'm still sweating even after my commute.
* I always feel like I'm rushing.


Pros

* After the initial pain of getting up very early, realizing that it's actually not that bad.
* Having the gym to myself.
* Since I'm starting cold and it takes me a while to warm up, my heartrate is working harder from the very start.
* If at the gym, watching more morning News than I usually get to see.
* That smug feeling of finishing the workout and knowing that it's only about 7 AM.
* Knowing that I don't have to try and squeeze a workout in for the rest of the day.
* Knowing that if I do, I get bonus points (and can feel very smug).
* Starting the day off in a good mood. Well, the jury is still out on this last one.

Nothing like being the first one to arrive to work and the last one to leave

and I'm not getting a raise this year because... why???

and the Good News is...

...the Neighbors-from-Hell are moving on Friday! Yay, it's finally official. Don't know what the person moving in will be like, but she told me that she thinks he's a single guy, so at least that's just one person stomping around instead of two + one hellspawn. On the other hand, it's been my experience living in apartments that single guys tend to be of the loud-stereo-playing-variety of neighbor, but let's just wait and see shall we? Maybe this one will put down a rug or two anyway.

Other People's Noise

So, here it is a beautiful, sunny, 70-degree day and I have to keep my windows shut because some asshole thinks that his right to blast crap music out the open windows, doors and hatch of his parked car is more important than the right of everyone else in the vicinity to quiet enjoyment of their homes. Rat Bastard.

What a Long, Depressing Winter it's been...

I can't ever remember being this affected by a Winter before. I think it was less the bad weather and more the long, dark days that got to me. I've been having a tough time at work too for the last few months so there really hasn't been much in my life that has been any kind of a release from all the various stresses. Even not working out becomes a bonus stress as I worry about what I'm not doing and worry & fret about getting back into it. When I took Lola out this morning around 7:30 I could see that already it was a beautiful day. Moderate but crisp temps, brilliant skies, I knew that I would be a complete asshole if I didn't take at least some advantage of it. I puttered around for part of the day, but finally put on light workout pants, sportsbra, t-shirt, windbreaker and running shoes, leashed up the dog and went off to Forest Park. What a gorgeous day -- the sky was this brilliant blue, this shade that seemed almost a cross between cobalt and periwinkle or something. Lola and I had a good time walking and running on the bridle path trails and meeting the various dogs we happened to pass (including two English Bulldogs, one French Bulldog and a Pug puppy named "Precious"). It was really a very pleasant way to spend part of the afternoon, and, even though my workout effort was completely pathetic (it's very depressing to realize how out of shape I really am), it feels good to have gotten out and done something. I think Lola was happy to move some as well.

The Curse of Coming in Early

I was STARVING by about 10:30. Had to finally run downstairs around 11:15 and get a bagel. Sheesh!

Heart-Broken

I don't think I'm adjusting to the changes at work very well. I've been working hard. I've been coming in early and staying late. But still somehow I feel unsettled and out of sync around here all of a sudden. If this was all merely about shouldering my burden and getting a bunch of work done it would be one thing, but the unsettling feeling is coming all from politics. I kind of feel a bit like a pariah, like it's high school all over again. I was very awkward and unpopular in school. My social pain was so much that I just held on and counted it as limbo time until my real life could begin. I figured that once I became an adult, everything would change. Well, that is and is not true. I certainly became a lot more poised. I learned how to find people in life that I could count on (for the most part). I figured out what was important and what wasn't and if someone didn't like you, well, who needs them anyway? But still, I find the parallels in real life to that horrible time in school all the time. It's particularly disconcerting when I come up against it in my work environment because then there is really no escaping it. I can't just shrug it off and go play elsewhere. I've always felt like my department here was a good team, but lately and more and more I feel like it's become a popularity contest. Just little things make me feel snubbed. For instance: a colleague who moved to Seattle a few months ago is in NYC this week and so an email was sent around about people going out after work with her. No problem. I wasn't sure if I was going to go, it being a Tuesday and all, but it was nice to have the option. No more word was said about where and when, etc. But I was here working away around 5:30 - 6:00 PM or so -- I had been in the same spot, the same position literally since 8 AM. And I hear the Director of my department come around to the cube across from me and ask the guy who sits there (Mark) if he was going to come out with them. I heard her mumble where they were going to be and that they were leaving then. Do you think she popped her head into my cube? I was sitting right there and I know that she knew it too. I hate this shit. I feel like it doesn't matter how hard I work, if I'm not on some arbitrary "A" list then I am just a working-slug-piece-of-shit-nobody. It wouldn't be as a big a deal if this snubbing was coming from a colleague, but this is the Director of my department. This is the person who determines whether I get a raise, what projects I get to do, and even whether I have a job!It's like high school all over again and I can't stand it.

So. Stressed. Out.

MY GOD

The radio station I'm listening to is playing "Y.M.C.A." by The Village People. I mean. My God.