Putting Things into Perspective

After my whiney post last week about being snubbed by some women in my department at work, I received a phone call from a former friend of mine (S) who wanted to let me know about some parties that were happening over the weekend out in the suburban NJ town where I grew up. The parties were all surrounding my high school reunion which she assumed that I already knew about. I didn't (nor did I care to know).

So, S and I used to be pretty good friends, but over the years we have drifted apart because of our different lifestyles and circumstances. She is a stay-at-home mom living in the suburban town where we grew up and I, well, am not. S was also the type of overly-dramatic friend that used to gravitate to me (or did I gravitate to these kinds of friends? I've never been able to figure it out). I'm the quiet, shy, introverted sort. I tend to be somewhat socially retarded. However, I have found myself many times in my life with these extremely extroverted friends. The kind of people who must have major drama going on in their lives or they're not happy. S was probably the most extreme example of this. She couldn't just have a boyfriend, but would have to have an abusive, jealous boyfriend who she was sneaking around on. She didn't just have a job, but a job where her boss was hitting on her, and where she was being sabotaged by everyone else in the place. She didn't just have a husband, she had a husband with Mafia ties who would kill her (literally) if she tried to leave. I could tell stories about visiting her in NJ at the house she shared with her former (Mafiosi-wannabe) husband and having to sneak out of the house, rolling the car down the driveway to meet some other guy at a club, she ditching me there as soon as she hooked up with the guy. Even up until a few years ago I could have a conversation with her on the phone for over an hour and hang up realizing that I had never even said one word about myself or about what was going on with me (not that it was ever much in comparison to her drama). It was an exhausting friendship and one that I just did not have the energy to cultivate, finally. We never had a falling out, but I just allowed things to fade. I handled it very immaturely by not returning phone calls, not letting her know when I was going to be in the area, etc. Kind of the way you allow a romantic relationship that is not clicking to fade away. I've found in my friendships like this (and there have been others) that it becomes very one-sided, that it is all about the one person. I look up one day and realize that I don't have a life, that I'm living vicariously through the drama of the other person. Anyway, I decided at some point that these kinds of friendships generally aren't healthy for me and so, I just decided to gently let go of my friendship with S. We still will talk on the phone from time to time, and I feel no need to hurt her by declaring that I no longer want to be friends. I think by now she's realized that we live completely different lives.

Anyway, a couple of years ago she called me after a long period of time of no communication at all. In the couple of years since I had last spoken with her, she had been through a breast cancer diagnosis, chemotherapy, radiation, masectomy. Basically, she had been through Hell. Her life had become a real drama of the kind no one ever wants to experience. In our conversation on Friday she revealed to me that she had recently been to the Mayo clinic to consult about possibly having some reconstructive surgery done, but that it turned out to be impossible because her masectomy was so radical (basically there is no muscle at all left on the chest wall). She remained (always) very upbeat about it all, thankful that she is here. That is one thing I have to say about S, she always was very upbeat and energetic. That call from her on Friday really put my petty little problems with the personalities at work into perspective. So, there are people who don't like me here, there are far worse things in life. They can have their clique, I enjoy my work here and have a good working relationship with the people who matter. More importantly, I'm healthy and have options in what directions I can go in life. Life could be far, far worse.