Monday, January 12, 2009

Braving the Scale

Well, I did it, I braved the scale this morning (which was one of my immediate goals for 2009). I was frankly terrified because I hadn’t stepped on since, oh, about the beginning of November. I had been depressed then because the scale was not budging at all, even though I was sticking to the Jenny Craig eating plan and was exercising a lot. And then my birthday hit, not to mention big layoffs at my company (which happened ON my birthday) and then the usual holiday doldrums and festivities. The longer I went without getting on the scale, the more scared of it I became. Well, I had a Jenny Craig appointment scheduled for today and I knew that I couldn’t put off weighing in there any longer (already my counselor was lying for me), so I stepped on it this morning. I just didn’t want there to be any huge, unpleasant surprises at JC later in the day.

The results are … up 5 lbs (since the beginning of November).

I am actually pretty happy (not to mention, surprised) with that. All this kvetching about it and the dreading of the big weigh-in and it really isn’t all that bad. Now at least I feel like I can move forward from here.

I have such mixed feelings about the scale. On the one hand, it makes me crazy and depressed and it causes me to really hate myself to watch the numbers so vigilantly. On the other hand, if I stay away from it, it is so, so easy for me to put myself in denial, do the whole, “I’ll worry about it tomorrow, I’ll start tomorrow” thing. So, it’s a necessary evil for me, I think. It’s just too easy for me to fall apart otherwise. But it sure is a fine-line between obsessing with numbers and completely hating myself and keeping myself in reasonable check. Ugh.

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