Frustrated

I told myself back in March when I started this (weight loss) journey that I was going to be patient. I knew then and I know now that my body can be pretty stubborn. All my life I have been prone to easy weight gain and slow-to-non-existent weight loss. Even all those childhood and teenage years that everyone bemoans about how skinny they were or how they could eat anything on the planet to no effect was not my experience. My childhood pictures show, at best, a chubby, blocky-looking kid. And with my ugly bowl haircut, it’s not so easy to even tell whether I’m a boy or a girl in a lot of those pictures. Teenage years I went from chubby & blocky to down right fat. Being an introvert AND fat does not lend itself well to social acceptance in middle and high school, let me tell you.

Anyway, I managed to lose weight as an adult, in my early 20s through basically starvation, but by my late 20s I caught onto exercise and learning how to limit my food intake sensibly. Of course the years that followed have been a roller coaster of ups & downs. If I’m not careful with what I eat, or if my activity level decreases, the weight comes on pretty quickly and easily. All this became even harder when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism about 10 years ago or so.

Once I got the thyroid meds all sorted out, I found that I had a bit more energy and that’s when I started running for the first time. That Summer I think I lost about 10 lbs and I credit running (and getting the thyroid straightened out) for the loss. I don’t think I changed anything much with my diet though, which was somewhat miraculous to me. A couple of years later I was training for a marathon, I was running 5-8 miles on weekday mornings, taking spinning classes on weekday evenings (and the occasional Sunday), or sometimes doing a second run for the day and running long runs starting around 13 miles, capping off at 24 miles on the weekends. Basically all I did was workout or run, work, workout or run, sleep and then repeat. Well, with the occasional happy hour thrown in (hey, I was younger then!) Anyway, I lost a bunch more weight during that Summer and was in great shape. I still wasn’t a tiny little thing, I was muscular and about a women’s size 6-8, but I looked pretty good (I think) and I felt terrific.

After the marathon however, I let it all fall apart and the farther away I got from the buff person that I had been at the end of that Summer, the more overwhelmed I felt with what it was going to take to get me back on the fitness and weight-loss track. The farther away from that marathon person that I got, the more depressed and overwhelmed I became. Then some other stuff happened, my mother died, I moved to Queens, and I became legitimately depressed.

The rest is more recent history. I moved to New Hampshire and started a new life & job. The first year was pretty much just transitional, the second was psyching myself up to do something about my weight and fitness level and finally the third year has been about taking action. And so far it’s been a successful and satisfying journey. From the start I assumed that it was going to be slow going for me. I know how my body likes to hold onto weight. I have my thyroid as well as hormonal challenges and I am at an age where even the most metabolically gifted women find it difficult to lose weight. I told myself that I had to be patient and wait and just stick with it, no matter how slow and agonizing the process was. Except that it wasn’t. From the start I seemed to lose weight consistently, averaging about 10 lbs a month, which is pretty much the cap for healthy monthly weight loss (you wouldn’t want to lose any faster or you’re losing muscle). That is until the past month. My weight loss seems to have ground to a halt. I’ve been watching the scale fiddle around with the same couple of pounds now for weeks. Finally last week I was down about 2 lbs, I stayed there for about four days or so and now for the past two days I’ve been back UP those 2 lbs. I am ready to bang my head against a wall. I haven’t cheated, I haven’t had any alcohol. If anything, I worked out last week more than I had in over a month. I’ve started back with strength training. I’ve made an effort to get a good amount of sleep. I just don’t know what else to do. I know anyone reading this is probably going to tell me to just be patient. And I’m trying, I really am. But I so can see how people fall off this wagon. When you reach a point where you’re working hard, but making zero progress, it’s so easy to want to give up. If I was within 10 lbs of my goal or something I wouldn’t be so upset, but I still have a long freaking way to go and here I am stalled, stalled, stalled. I’m trying to remain positive and motivated and moving forward. But it’s hard not to feel kind of defeated too. This morning I’m wearing this feminine “dressy” t-shirt top that I bought a month or so ago. When I first got it and started wearing it, I thought that it made me look a little “cute”. Today all I can think about how it makes me look is just dumpy and ugly. UGH! I know that this is not the attitude to have. I have to stay focused and positive! Well, I have my trainer today, so I’m sure I’ll be in a better mood after I workout with him.

Anyway, hopefully this long-ass-winded rant will last me for a while. I truly AM trying to remain positive and focused on my goals. But it is frustrating when I know I have a lot more ground to cover, to find myself ground to a halt like this, here in the middle of nowhere.